Gloria25 Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 Your woman is controlling and a little psychotic. Well, maybe she's putting the squeeze on him cuz she's up to no good. I mean, I've heard often cheaters "project" their insecurities that the innocent partner is cheating - cuz the cheater is actually cheating...In other words, she's cheating, so she gets controlling on the bf out of fear he's doing the same. 1
Author threesinsofseven Posted September 2, 2014 Author Posted September 2, 2014 Lots of really good feedback here and I find it to be invaluable in that I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past year and it's difficult to see where my flaws end and my partners' start. While I am open to acknowledging blame I don't want to be so eager to do so that it is taken advantage of and I'm doing work that she should be doing to find a normalcy. Ninjainpajamas... Spot on, thank you so much for the input. OP, can you clarify?..... my read is that, in the name of transparency, you provided your GF access to your FB and she then proceeded to examine your past contacts and insist you clean things up and de-friend those contacts and it was at that point you felt a quid-pro-quo was appropriate. Did I read that incorrectly? The timeline is somewhat circuitous to determine from your original post because it added 'almost as a disclaimer', actions of hers which predated yours, so kind of, apparently, jumped back in time. Yes, you read that correctly. I gave her FB access. She first told me to get rid of exes who were still platonic friends, anyone I've ever dated, then any females that I felt that were dateable and it's pretty much down to relatives and undateables on my profile now. She pretty much imposed the no private chatting. It was on one of her "get rid of her" escapades that I got irritated and asked her to open up her account if she was going to scrutinize mine so closely.
mightycpa Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Jeez, I'm married, and I don't give my wife any of my passwords. She offers me hers, but I don't want them. I think you're perfectly entitled to a bit of privacy, even if you don't ever need to use it.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 The Facebook issue is just a symptom of a larger problem. You don't trust each other. Why? Have either of cheated before? What is the basis for this obvious distrust? How long have you known each other?
bobsmith76 Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 While I know some people view sharing passwords as to being a little freaky, No, not at all. It's better to things that way. Why should there be secrets anyway? Recently I asked her if she had talked to anyone of the opposite sex since the last time I asked her, as she OFTEN asks me, she danced around the answer and eventually stated that someone had contacted HER but SHE never replied back--it was a guy she was talking to from a dating site six months ago and it happened a few days prior. Mind you, we had agreed, and I had exercised that agreement with exes trying to contact me, that we tell each other when someone tries to make contact with us. When I asked to see the text she said she deleted it--even after having this occur the first time and her eventually saying she understood how I felt and that if she could change it she would, when given yet another opportunity to show proof of concept, she, again, behaved the same way and "deleted the evidence" (as I see it). Ok, this is good evidence that she's not telling the whole truth but I would not worry about it too much. We are all human and we all have difficulty being 100% faithful. It might even be the case that being faithful is more difficult early on. It takes a while for you to teach your mind to ignore those temptations. I think she will probably get better at it and she will eventually learn to become more committed to the marriage as time goes on especially after the marriage becomes official. No one wants a failed marriage and she probably does not want a failed one either, so I think she will gradually get better at being honest and faithful just be patient. How I would handle the situation is keep pressing her to be more honest but when she fails don't worry about it that much. She doesn't have to be perfect, she just has to gradually improve. But maybe I'm paranoid and insecure and it's merely a case of someone just wanting a right to their own privacy? There's no privacy in marriage. Why should there be? Your health and her health are mutually interdependent.
Author threesinsofseven Posted September 2, 2014 Author Posted September 2, 2014 The Facebook issue is just a symptom of a larger problem. You don't trust each other. Why? Have either of cheated before? What is the basis for this obvious distrust? How long have you known each other? Neither have cheated that I know of. Personally, on my side of things, I might have some issues with confession due to my upbringing where I was basically required to disclose all of my personal details to my mother in order to have a clean conscience. I find that I like that feeling as an adult and perhaps that's where my desire to be open with a partner comes from. Not sure where the mistrust comes from but I'd venture to guess it's because a lot of people don't translate transparency as blatantly as I prefer to give it. Most people I've dated seriously in the past have never had a problem with the password thing and nobody ever really made much of it--therefore it wasn't really an issue and we didn't "monitor" each other's accounts as much as maybe check in once in a great while if we were curious. The other half of it is basically her stating that she's a very "one on one" person and that she treats relationships on a very exclusive basis. My most recent ex prior to her was the same way in regard to exclusivity also so I figured it was something I was learning as a "normalcy" that I had been unaware of prior. So I went with the removing of everyone on the basis of giving her peace of mind, which was my intention with the password thing also. I've taken a lot of this feedback to heart and am going to drop the issue. I've changed all of my passwords and my accounts are now private.
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Jeeeeeeesus. I just don't see the point in this kind of 'relationship' (which, as they are build on trust, doesn't really apply to this scenario for me). I wouldn't want my boyfriend's password, I don't need to know that. What goes on in there is between him and whoever he speaks to. If he wants to cheat or be inappropriate then he would find another way if he knew I was monitoring facebook. The temptation to look (nosiness/curiosity) would be too great, and no matter how upstanding you are, there's always something that's going to upset you if you're naturally inclined toward jealous and paranoia anyway (I mean, you're not even meant to talk to people of the opposite sex, so in a jealous partner's eyes even a simple 'hey, what time is class?' from someone is a threat. Everything is a threat). His conversations with friends and mine with my friends are private business between us and people that have been in our lives long before we ever knew one another. If a partner had genuine reason to suspect I was up to no good, I would hope that they would say to me 'I need to put my mind at rest' and ask me to show them my phone, before I was able to delete stuff. A one-time thing and only with incredibly good reason (not sure what that would be), an extremely unlikely situation. But I would NEVER allow somebody carte blanche to sit there without me and scour through everything I'd ever written to anybody or try and tell me who I can and can't talk to. I get propositioned while in a relationship, I politely and immediately shut it down. If I don't trust my partner to do the same thing then how the hell can I live with him, make love to him, kiss him in public, and look him in the eye while I tell him I love him? You two sound like you both need to do some serious work before you are ready to be with anybody, let alone get married to each other! Prisoners in prison get more respect for their right to privacy, association and communication than you guys are giving one another (this is as it should be... I'm saying that your relationship is stricter than a prison, not that prison shouldn't treat people in this manner). 2
slizl Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I wouldn't listen to the people who have posted to break off the engagement, etc. You have a fiancee and you have some stuff to work through. I think that this will be a great issue for you both to sit down and talk it out. This might actually help your relationship in the long run if you can navigate this issue successfully 2
Keenly Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 No, not at all. It's better to things that way. Why should there be secrets anyway? Ok, this is good evidence that she's not telling the whole truth but I would not worry about it too much. We are all human and we all have difficulty being 100% faithful. It might even be the case that being faithful is more difficult early on. It takes a while for you to teach your mind to ignore those temptations. I think she will probably get better at it and she will eventually learn to become more committed to the marriage as time goes on especially after the marriage becomes official. No one wants a failed marriage and she probably does not want a failed one either, so I think she will gradually get better at being honest and faithful just be patient. How I would handle the situation is keep pressing her to be more honest but when she fails don't worry about it that much. She doesn't have to be perfect, she just has to gradually improve. There's no privacy in marriage. Why should there be? Your health and her health are mutually interdependent. Just because two people get married does not mean they forfeit their privacy.
Popsicle Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Every individual in a marriage/couple should have SOME sense of privacy. Now there is some gray area and overlap, but you undermine the significance of privacy. Privacy makes a person feel human and dignified. You can not take that away from them. And when you get married, there are few things that you can maintain privacy about, and even then some people want to invade on that. Don't do this. Having your own social network accounts separate from your mate are just small ways you can help someone maintain their privacy and sense of individuality, which is vital, imo, to thriving as a human being. PS - I don't think you should break up either.
Popsicle Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 There's no privacy in marriage. Why should there be? Your health and her health are mutually interdependent. Oh, yes there is. Are you or have you ever been married? You go to the bathroom in private. You take a bath in private. You might masturbate in private. You might read in private. You might speak to a friend or relative in private (esp. if they have requested that). All sorts of small things...
mammasita Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Just open a joint Facebook page like the other couples on Facebook who (I suspect) don't trust each other but can't pry themselves from social media....... 2
Popsicle Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Just open a joint Facebook page like the other couples on Facebook who (I suspect) don't trust each other but can't pry themselves from social media....... I've also seen older generation couples doing this. Mostly because one or the other doesn't really know how to use the computer well and they both want to be represented online, so the one who knows how to use it well makes, responds and checks the account. I have not seen much of this though, tbh.
bobsmith76 Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Just because two people get married does not mean they forfeit their privacy. Is there something that you're ashamed of?
Diezel Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I hate people who put other people in situations like this... "Oh, I gave you access to MY personal life, so you better give me access to yours, or else you aren't being honest." Essentially, this is what the OP is telling any person with him. You give this person no choice. Either they show you this "trust" that you so openly gave them or they don't and you have no reason to trust them. Either way, they lose, OP wins. That's an impossible situation. If any LTR of mine ever did that to me, they wouldn't be my LTR anymore. No one deserves a trust ultimatum like that.
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