orangetree Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 Hi, Today is day 64 of NC. And I feel like I'm not coping well. Most of the time I feel quite okay. I even went on a few dates, even kissed somebody else. I traveled a lot, went out with friends, did sports, worked, did a lot of things. And I still just cannot fort him, I think about him al the time, every day. A few days ago I bursted into tears at home, today on the way back home. I try to not think of him, I really do, and I haven't spoken to him, seen him or social media stalked him for 64 full days. But it's just so hard for me... I really still love him and I don't know if I can ever stop loving him. The hole he left in my life is huge and I feel like life will never be the same again. We were together for two years, we lived together and he was the love of my life- That's at least what I thought. I've never connected with anyone so well, on every level. I broke up with guys before and I never felt like I feel now. We talked about the future, marriage, children, everything. He seemed so serious about me, I never would have imagined we would break up. He broke up with me the first time last summer, saying we fight too much. He broke up with my after I had a huge fight with my mother and was already depressed anyway. 2.5 months later we got back together, he came back to me, saying he loves and misses me. I immediately gave him another chance and everything seemed to be great. We didn't fight and I was so happy with him. I even spent Xmas with him instead of spending it with my family. Then we went on a four weeks trip through Europe together and everything seemed to be so wonderful, almost too perfect to be true. It was an absolute wonderful trip with a few 'spending 24h together' arguments and on the last day of our trip he still told me that he loves me very much. Then, the next day, we had a stupid fight (by the way, we never yelled at each other, we never called each other names, fights are more like not talking to each other for a while or having a different opinion about stuff) and suddenly he stopped talking to me for like an hour, although I tried to initiate many times. He then started crying when he looked at me, I asked what's wrong, he didn't answer. I asked him if he wants to talk and what we should do now. He said he doesn't know, kept crying. I then asked him if his reaction means that he wants to break up. He nodded. I asked him if he doesn't love me anymore. He said he still loves me very much and his feelings for me didn't change at all, but that he thinks we're just fighting too much (which isn't true IMO) and that he just cannot make it work. I left him standing there immediately and went away. This happened on the day we came back from our trip. Now I keep thinking he wanted to break up a long time ago already but that he pretended everything was fine to not ruin the trip. It hurts so much I cannot even describe it. And now I really don't know how to go on with my life. I'm not all the time a total mess, but I swallow the pain most of the time and I miss him like hell, even after more than 2 months NC. It's also strange that he never contacted me to be 'friends', because he told me a while ago that's what he did with all of his exes (even directly after the breakup with them). So many times I'm in situations and all I think is 'I wanna tell him about it'. I miss talking to him so much. I sometimes think I will never stop missing and loving him. Okay, that's it. Sorry for bothering you with being so miserable. I just felt like I really have to write this somewhere. Exes don't always come back. And you don't always heal quickly through NC. Thank you. 1
Griesfootball Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 That is really great to hear that you've reached 64 days because that is a long time. You are hurting because you didn't get closure. It won't happen. You sound like a very caring person. You love him but it seems he takes you for granted because he dumped you twice. I wish I could tell your ex how lucky he was to get a second chance because there are people who want one that don't get one. So keep moving for yourself because you will hurt even more if he does this again to you. 1
Author orangetree Posted July 29, 2014 Author Posted July 29, 2014 Thank you. I mean rationally I don't even want him back. I'm not waiting for him to contact me. I think he doesn't deserve me and I'm too scared to get hurt again. But it's just so hard for me to understand how he can cut me out of his life from one day to another and never talk to me again. 1
Griesfootball Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 It's really ashamed but he cut you out because he is probably giving his attention to someone else and once he is lonely again he will want you back. You said you don't want him back so he will see you moved on or are with someone else.
irresolute Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Hi there, I'm sorry about all that had happened to you. It seems that yes, he was thinking about the breakup very long before he actually told you. That sucks. I'm day...I don't know about days, I'm about one month no contact and I still miss a lot. I miss everything and I also think I'll never find someone else who will make me feel as real as he made me feel. My relationship was truly toxic, and I can't even call it a relationship, so your case might be different, but I accompany you in the feeling and I wish you all the luck.
artsygirl78 Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 I am so sorry that you are having a hard time, and I feel your pain. Please know that you are not alone. First of all, good for you for over two months of no contact, that is a HUGE step!! Please know that what you are feeling right now is absolutely normal. You were with this guy for over two years, you loved him very much and you wanted to marry him. This is just the beginning of your journey to healing and a few months is just a drop in the bucket as far a time is concerned (it sucks, I know). I was involved with my ex for less than a year, and that even counts the time that he "courted" me before our first physical date, but I loved him deeply and am two months post break up and exactly where you are now in how much I miss him, and have that feeling of that huge hole in my heart where he used to be. I can totally relate to where you are. You are taking good care of yourself. The right guy for you is going to want to hang in there and work out whatever issues there might be- it doesn't feel like it right now, I know how much you love and miss your ex, but it sounds to me like he was on the fence for a while, and you deserve someone who is going to stay all in. Keep posting here and checking in, we are here for you. Grief is a funny thing, it goes through stages and there are good days and bad. I promise over time you will heal and get to a place where you feel indifferent about this guy, and have fond memories and not hurt anymore.
hestheone66 Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 I'm sorry you are hurting. I know what it's like to feel like one person makes you so incredibly happy. Sadly for us tho there was no relationship and you are hurting very bad because you thought he was the one (hence my username). It took me a long time to see it was not love but obsession. Love improves ones life. Seek therapy as your mind is imbalanced over this.
Author orangetree Posted July 31, 2014 Author Posted July 31, 2014 Thanks a lot for your answers... I know it's healthier to not get back together with him, but it just hurts so much that he doesn't even contact me, as if he already forgot about me. Last night I had a really intense dream about him, how we were together again and talked, and he hugged me and kissed me.. waking up this morning was terrible. I do hope so badly it will get better one day and that one day I will stop thinking that he was the one.
Author orangetree Posted August 31, 2014 Author Posted August 31, 2014 I'm really shaking now because it finally happened. My ex broke the silence 3.5 months after breaking up with me. He sent me an email, resuming the problem of our relationship, explaining himself and admitting what things he did wrong. For example, he said that he was always very jealous. Then he said that he cannot stop thinking of me and that he really tried to get over me, but that everything just reminds him of me, that he even learned to play my favourite song on guitar and kept studying my mother language. The email was pretty long and he sent me also a bunch of pictures about stuff that reminds him of me. Then he said that he really hopes I will answer. I'm very confused now to say the least. He didn't say 'I love you' or something like that and he also didn't say 'Let's get back together'. I dunno what it means. Seeing his email now in front of me is really difficult. I still love him very much, even though we haven't talked in more than three months (I cut every contact with him, deleted him on social media etc.). I keep dreaming of him several times a week, waking up sad and missing him even more. I tried to start dating but I just cannot.. I just don't care about any other man. On the other hand, he has left me before, I already went through a break up with him one year ago (in total we were together for two years) and I've never experienced pain like this and I hope I will never have to experience the pain of losing the person you love the most again. He's 30 (I'm 26) in case that matters, and after the first break up last year he came back to me after two months. Dealbreakers like cheating or saying really bad things to each other never happened. What do you guys think I should do? I still love him very much and I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I dunno if I could trust him again (and maybe live in the permanent fear that he will leave me again). I appreciate your advice. Thank you.
Feelbettersoon Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 Wow. I can't imagine after that length of time how that feels to get that email. I would sit on it for a week, and wouldn't reply yet. He doesn't say he wants to mend the relationship and you want to be with him. See if he reaches out again, or wait a while and think if you want to reply or not. That's what I'd do anyway!
Author orangetree Posted August 31, 2014 Author Posted August 31, 2014 The more I read his email the less I understand what he actually wants. Why is he resuming the problems of our relationship, admitting some of his mistakes, but then doesn't say he wants to get back together? Why is he then telling me that everything seems to remind him of me (sending me even pictures that he took in the last weeks of things that remind him of me) and that he learned my favorite song on guitar and that he still studies my mother language and wants me to send him a book I wrote so maybe one day he will be able to read it. I don't get the whole point of the email actually.. if he wanted to get back together wouldn't he just say it?
OffRail Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 (edited) The more I read his email the less I understand what he actually wants. Why is he resuming the problems of our relationship, admitting some of his mistakes, but then doesn't say he wants to get back together? Why is he then telling me that everything seems to remind him of me (sending me even pictures that he took in the last weeks of things that remind him of me) and that he learned my favorite song on guitar and that he still studies my mother language and wants me to send him a book I wrote so maybe one day he will be able to read it. I don't get the whole point of the email actually.. if he wanted to get back together wouldn't he just say it? Maybe he is testing the waters to see if you respond and how you respond ? He may want to know if you are seeing someone new, if you have moved on, etc, before asking you to get back together and give your relationship another chance. If he has done this before (left you and then returned months later and you have taken hums back) then it could establish a pattern that you don't want in your love life - him thinking that he can up and leave at any point and come back months later, and still find you waiting for him / happily taking him back. This is an emotional roller coaster that you don't want to sign up for. I would not respond to this email just yet. Right now, you are probably in a state of shock and may have quite a few emotions to deal with. DO NOT EMAIL HIM NOW. Wait until you have settled down - however long it takes - and when you are feeling calmer and can think about this email from a purely rational perspective, make the decision on how to respond, and whether you even want to respond or not. You may feel after several days - maybe 2 weeks or so - that you don't want to even email him back, and re-read that chapter in your life. If you do decide to give him another chance, though, I would suggest that you point out that this is the second time that he has left you and then come back months later, that you don't feel comfortable with all this coming and going and that this is the last chance you are willing to give him (if you do). Just to make it clear to him that you are willing to work this out, but that there will some ground rules that will be implemented from now on. Good luck ! Hang in there ! Edited August 31, 2014 by OffRail
neverenough Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 The more I read his email the less I understand what he actually wants. Why is he resuming the problems of our relationship, admitting some of his mistakes, but then doesn't say he wants to get back together? Why is he then telling me that everything seems to remind him of me (sending me even pictures that he took in the last weeks of things that remind him of me) and that he learned my favorite song on guitar and that he still studies my mother language and wants me to send him a book I wrote so maybe one day he will be able to read it. I don't get the whole point of the email actually.. if he wanted to get back together wouldn't he just say it? This is something that I wouldn't want to hear, but it is necessary... this could be his way of closure. Don't settle for anything less than "Lets try again" or "I love you. I made a mistake." He isn't worth going through it a third time! I know it hurts, but you are more than this
Simon Phoenix Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 If he didn't say that he doesn't want to try again, it's nothing to respond to. It sounds like he wants his guilt absolved. Don't say or do a thing. That sounded like a breadcrumb -- a big crumb, but a useless crumb nonetheless. 1
mrty Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 All iI can say is I'm really so sorry to hear you're feeling this way its so very very difficult. I'm going through the same at the moment, dumped a few months ago seemingly for no reason then I found out this week it was for another guy and she was cheating on me with him. So you're not alone. I really hope you can forget this guy soon and start to feel better, take care of yourself.
BC1980 Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 Sounds like he is going through his own grief, and he is reaching out to you in some kind of clumsy attempt to understand his own feelings. I say that because the email has no DEFINITE purpose, such as an apology or him stating he wants to get back together. It's not that uncommon to reach out to the other party in an attempt to understand ourselves or to make ourselves feel better. Usually, it's in the form of a one sentence text, but he's gone all out and recounted the relationship and given you pictures of good times. Don't be fooled by this bread crumb. The bigger point is that you don't need to try to uncover the riddle of this email. If he wants to get back together, he is capable of clearly stating that, so I would disregard all else. You don't need to waste your time on something that is going to upset you. 1
neverenough Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 Thank you. I mean rationally I don't even want him back. I'm not waiting for him to contact me. I think he doesn't deserve me and I'm too scared to get hurt again. But it's just so hard for me to understand how he can cut me out of his life from one day to another and never talk to me again. I'm asking myself the same question for the last three months! You were to good, to available and he just didn't appreciate you... this sounds so stupid, but that just is the truth. I'm going through the same emotions and feelings like you and lets hope that it gets easier from time to time...
Zapbasket Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 I'm really shaking now because it finally happened. My ex broke the silence 3.5 months after breaking up with me. He sent me an email, resuming the problem of our relationship, explaining himself and admitting what things he did wrong. For example, he said that he was always very jealous. Then he said that he cannot stop thinking of me and that he really tried to get over me, but that everything just reminds him of me, that he even learned to play my favourite song on guitar and kept studying my mother language. The email was pretty long and he sent me also a bunch of pictures about stuff that reminds him of me. Then he said that he really hopes I will answer. I'm very confused now to say the least. He didn't say 'I love you' or something like that and he also didn't say 'Let's get back together'. I dunno what it means. Seeing his email now in front of me is really difficult. I still love him very much, even though we haven't talked in more than three months (I cut every contact with him, deleted him on social media etc.). I keep dreaming of him several times a week, waking up sad and missing him even more. I tried to start dating but I just cannot.. I just don't care about any other man. On the other hand, he has left me before, I already went through a break up with him one year ago (in total we were together for two years) and I've never experienced pain like this and I hope I will never have to experience the pain of losing the person you love the most again. He's 30 (I'm 26) in case that matters, and after the first break up last year he came back to me after two months. Dealbreakers like cheating or saying really bad things to each other never happened. What do you guys think I should do? I still love him very much and I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I dunno if I could trust him again (and maybe live in the permanent fear that he will leave me again). I appreciate your advice. Thank you. I feel for you and can just imagine all the things receiving a letter like this after so long stirs up. It sounds like this breakup has been hard on him, too, and he's reflecting on things and recognizing areas where he screwed up. And he wants you to know this because he cares about you and is sorry for hurting you. Also, he's okay with there being a little opening for communication between you, but for what purpose, perhaps even he doesn't know. I think that's about as far as you can read into his intentions. For your part, I think you need to figure out what YOU want. Do you want him back? Do his reasons and self-insights seem real and compelling enough that you feel sufficiently safe to risk him leaving you again? When you think over your relationship, do you feel that this person is one whose core values and goals in life align with yours? And do you feel that the dynamic between you is one you could bear long-term, even if NOTHING changed? If your answers to all these questions are yes, then you owe it to yourself to communicate to him what you want. Then you wait and see what he does. If he says he's not sure what he wants, then you ask him if there is anything specific you could do or say that would help make him sure. If he says, "No," or "I don't know," then you tell him he needs to sort that out on his own. Tell him not to contact you again unless he has made up his mind that he wants to try again. And then go live your life. You don't want to wait for someone who is not sure about you. You may discover that you don't want him back and don't feel a need to communicate with him again, and in that case, accept and be nourished by the indication of caring about you that his letter represents, and move forward in silence. Good luck and feel free to post all your thoughts here as you decide what you want to do.
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