Great relationship turned taboo

[W101]

Hi LS.

 

I've been monitoring these forums for a while now debating my situation and whether or not I should sign up to ask for some advice, I figured I may as well give it a shot.

 

 

My situation is a strange one, met a wonderful lady in my early twenties, fell head over heels for her, we've stuck together like glue for the past 6 years, we live together, we formed a bond I always figured couldn't possibly be broken, we've had marriage and kids on the cards for quite some time, the love I have for her is irreplaceable and the most beautiful feeling in the world.

 

 

Now here's the problem, a year back, she began looking for her father, she'd always prowled the internet trying various avenues to find him with no luck, luckily or unluckily this time, she found him, she had to go through various people and ask a lot of questions to find out, after her findings I felt overjoyed for her, she messaged him but got no reply in return, we found out a week or so afterwards that he had sadly passed away a year before, I felt devastation run right through me, though she wouldn't show it outwardly I knew it was breaking her heart.

 

 

I talk about her findings to my mother, her interest was peeped and she wanted to see what he looked like, to her surprise, her father turned out to be my father as well!, I never knew my father, I never wanted to, I didn't care, all I knew about him was that he had his fun and left my mother, there wasn't anything else to it.

 

 

In the last year, our relationship has gone from this gift from heaven to hell on earth, I don't think either of us know how to feel about eachother anymore, we are completely on edge about the whole thing, we still love eachother and to us, there's still nobody else for either of us, only now, we question, is that feeling right?, we are boyfriend and girlfriend but we are also half brother and sister, we wanted a family, now, that idea stands on shaky grounds because of that little fact, we wanted marriage, we can't have that because it's illegal in our country, we feel scared to touch eachother incase we get locked up because we're committing a criminal offence in the eyes of the law.

 

 

This whole revelation has turned such a pure and beautiful romance upside down, I'm at breaking point, I'm currently living at a friends place to give eachother some distance from everything that's happened, my friend swears by LS and tells me the members are genuinely good people who won't judge, so please go easy on me?

 

 

I love this lady with all my heart and I don't want to be away from her for a second, I feel I have the best possible relationship I'll ever have with anyone with her, it's not something my heart wants to give up on, my brain however tells me society will never accept this situation and our relationship, we'll always have someone breathing down our necks, I don't want her to have to live with the consequences of our relationship, so my question is, do I give this up or stay true?

[Ronni_W]

Wow, W101...just "wow"!!!

 

If you want to continue your relationship, then of course this must be kept secret from whatever society and community in which you choose to build your life together.

 

I think that love is always a gift, blessing from Heaven (if one believes in that) and I don't know why that love is then tested...as yours surely now is being tested. I do not know the 'why' of that.

 

I am the product of a union of first cousins...so I can a little bit identify with your situation, but really not all the much because it was my parents who had to suffer what you are, and not me.

 

At that time, it was a fear of the "mixing of DNA" of such close relatives that caused my grandparents to denounce and disinherit my parents; their children. Fortunately, as far as we can tell, my brother and I turned out just fine...physically and intellectually, although the latter is sometimes debatable .

 

What is it that your love partner wants? If you do love her, then that must be your only consideration. And. If she truly loves you, then that must be her only consideration. You both always have the option of just keeping this private and, as far as you can, outside of "public knowledge"...but if she feels that doing that is too much to ask of herself, then YOU must abandon any hope of and thought for a future together.

 

I wish you both happiness.

[CarrieT]

I'm not going to judge because I've certainly read of similar instances.

 

Honestly, my recommendation would be to never get married, maintain a relationship (you can do the legal stuff like sign for each others' Powers of Attorney and make each other your beneficiaries), and - if you really want a family - adopt.

 

I wish you both the best.

[W101]

Thanks for the words of encouragement Ronni, helps leaps and bounds reading that, I'm sorry your parents had to suffer, I'm really glad they stuck together though, they must know tough times like the back of their hand by now.

 

Nobody other than our Family know of our relationship, it wasn't something we wanted to tell people as we knew what the reaction would be, my side of the family seem to be okay with it, her side of the family are religious and quote us passages from the bible on how their right and we're wrong, it's very testing because we're not the kind of people who up and disown their family.

 

 

I'm so happy to hear of your situation, the way we've had it painted to us, we felt our kids would look like Pokemon rather than babies, it's a relief to know that isn't the case, because we love kids, her niece has lived with us and has been in our care for 4 years, in those years we've really settled down and felt like we have a family of our own, the idea of having one our own brought us so much joy.

 

 

I'm not sure what she wants, right now, we're on a break, it's been about 2 weeks or so since I last heard from her, I'm almost 100% certain she wants to be with me, I think she worries about being found out and getting separated from her niece.

 

 

I want to always be beside her, I can't see her as my sister, I'm not sure she'd ever be able to see me as a brother either, I'd never refer to her as my sister to anyone, she told me to contact her once I came up with something.

[CarrieT]

It seems to be happening rather often.

 

 

Here is a story of a could in Brazil who are already married. They are staying together.

 

And another in South Africa. They have decided to separate.

[Ronni_W]

I'm so happy to hear of your situation, the way we've had it painted to us, we felt our kids would look like Pokemon rather than babies, it's a relief to know that isn't the case, because we love kids,

W101,

Things can go wrong during ANY pregnancy for ANY reason...or during childbirth...or sometime between birth and death.

It only is that children of close blood-relations are not necessarily going to have congenital/physical/mental "defects" (as these things used to be called in my parents' day).

 

To be honest, I cannot see how "being on a break" is ever going to help the two you make a decision about this.

 

SHE needs to realize, accept that being with you most likely will require sacrifices. YOU need to help her realize and accept that, and then you both together must decide if the most likely potential sacrifices are worth it now, and will be worth it in the long-run, to be together in love and joy and laughter through the future.

 

Yes, it is possible that you may lose the opportunity to care for her niece...but how likely is that, really? That's what you and she ought to be thinking about...the likelihood of this or that actually happening, not the possibility of it. Anything is possible; much is not likely.

 

That you do not feel like siblings is accurate and appropriate for both of you...you did not grow up, or meet, or fall in love as siblings.

 

Hugs and best.

[W101]

Thanks for the reply Ronni, it's much appreciated.

 

I'm glad the hocus-pocus stories are mostly false, you raise a good point, children are unfortunately born with defects and such every day, most not born from same blood relationships, it's a relief to look at it that way.

 

 

The break as you say didn't help at all, I'm not sure if it helped her come to a decision as much as it helped her family to come to a decision, her decision was to end the relationship, I had a long chat with her last night, it was a relief to hear her voice, I told her I wanted to be with her no matter what the risks, we shared a few tears, talked in depth about how we felt for one another and decided we'd talk again tonight, I won't give up on her, I'll take my time and be appreciative of the time she gives me, I hope I can be her rock and somehow come out of this smiling with her.

 

 

When I look at it rationally without the anxiety responses going off in my head, your absolutely right, I have a hunch one of her family members may be giving her a don't see him again or I'll hand you over to the law ultimatum, things sound hectic at the moment in her world, hopefully once things blow over we can talk more clearly about what we want and if we want to proceed forward, I say we, but my mind was always made up and I always wanted to be at her side.

 

 

I think the whole thing still freaks her out, we don't see eachother as siblings but we've started seeing similarities since we found out, I think it's funny we never noticed before, her... not so much lol, thanks for the great advice.

[Chi townD]

If I were you, I would get a DNA test done. To make sure once and for all if this is the case. If she didn't know who her father was, there could be a chance that it wasn't your father. Too many possibilities. Let science sort it out and go from there.

[Ronni_W]

W101,

Chi townD makes an excellent point! Certainly there would be nothing to lose, and such tests can be done privately, by mail. Just Google 'paternity testing' to locate the companies that do that.

 

I have a hunch one of her family members may be giving her a don't see him again or I'll hand you over to the law ultimatum

Okay...so I totally don't get the threat about handing her over to the law...but it doesn't matter.

DO NOT start making guesses and assumptions about what is going on for your lady love, or what/how her family is doing and saying to her. For her sake and for yours, do not start doing that.

 

ASK her...you must keep the lines of communication between you completely clear and honest and truthful. EXPRESS your own doubts and fears...and especially all the things that you're no longer all that concerned about because you have a new outlook.

 

we don't see each other as siblings but we've started seeing similarities since we found out

Nah...it's just that people fall in love with people with whom they naturally share similarities.

My (now ex-) husband and I had many similarities, which actually grew the longer we were together...and we were born in different countries, so absolutely no chance of shared paternity

 

thanks for the great advice.

Glad I've been able to offer something positive. Thanks for mentioning it.

[W101]

Thanks again Ronni, your insight really helps me think outside the box and gain new perspective, I liked Chi's advice too, I'm certain he's her father, unfortunately I gained a few of his features here and there, she gained the most of them, looking at her, she does have a spitting ook of him, it would be nice to just have it though never the less.

 

I haven't mentioned what I'm thinking, going off of what I heard in the background it felt that way, either way, it's not my place to say, it's her family, it's her choice on how she handles her family, I can't really be too upset with how they view our relationship, their entitled to their views and opinions like anybody else, I've always been of the mind that incestous relationships are fine and dandy as long as both parties are adults, we're all human, I don't see why it matters, I can only hope if the relationship moves forward from here,her family can accept us either way.

 

 

Noted though, thinking negatively at all at this point would only be a downfall, I plan to talk in depth tonight about how I truly feel, I feel for her sake I've held back, I'm not sure what effect it'll have, but I'll always regret keeping it to myself if I didn't take the chance to say it and we don't move forward with our lives together.

 

 

Once again, you make another good point I didn't even think of, I hope to make light of that fact the best I possibly can, thanks again Ronn.i

[Ronni_W]

I haven't mentioned what I'm thinking, going off of what I heard in the background it felt that way, either way, it's not my place to say, it's her family, it's her choice on how she handles her family

Yes, ultimately she gets to choose what she does or does not do in life.

BUT...at the same time you are avoiding the situation on her side, you are also not offering any support, comfort, compassion, insight, wisdom, suggestions, ideas, etc., etc.

 

You are leaving her alone to deal with everything on her side.

 

Now again, ASK HER what, how, when, if she wants and/or needs from you. Don't just start guessing and assuming that you know, or that you know what's best.

 

You're right, of course, that you are not (nor is she) in control of her family's views, opinions, words, actions, inactions.

 

Personally, I would not view it nor refer to it as an "incestuous relationship"...only a LOVE relationship. The former is too laden with everything that you want to avoid, mentally and emotionally, within yourself and others.

 

Good luck with your conversation tonight...I trust that you will fully support everything to go well. Yes?

[Chi townD]

Thanks again Ronni, your insight really helps me think outside the box and gain new perspective, I liked Chi's advice too, I'm certain he's her father, unfortunately I gained a few of his features here and there, she gained the most of them, looking at her, she does have a spitting ook of him, it would be nice to just have it though never the less.

 

 

 

Means nothing. Have you ever heard of the term matrixing? It means that your eyes are making you see things that aren't really there. Like, looking at a cloud and saying that it looks like a rabbit to you. It's not a rabbit, it's a cloud. But, your eyes are making you see the shape of a rabbit.

 

 

Same thing might be happening here also. Your brain THINKS that she's your half sister; therefore, your eyes start to see things that MIGHT resemble your father. "well, she does sorta have his nose." But, the funny thing is, you never saw this stuff while you were dating her, never even crossed your mind until this POSSIBLE information was presented to you.

 

 

Get a DNA test done. The two of you might be stressing over nothing.

[W101]

Quick update: turns out she's met somebody else... and the rest, so it would seem I need to do a complete U turn on my current mindset, he's most likely a rebound, probably a way of coping with our demise, as well as our current predicament, now I'm in a predicament, she's not cheating technically, emotionally it feels like she is, I'm crushed, what do I do?, fight for her?, no contact?, I don't think I'll be able to see her the same way after this, she was emotionally distraught when she decided to confess, she met him while we was together but swears it wasn't a relationship or anything else until we went on a break, I have a feeling I want to leave things alone for a while and focus on other aspects of my life, is that the right thing to do, for myself I think it is, for my love life, I'm stumped.

[Lostdreams]

Dear W101

 

This is really tough and I'm sorry that you are having to go through this.

 

Chi town is right the DNA testing is priority one in your situation - you both need to know and without it the lasting impact and consequences could be even more damaging. All the heartache and hurt is making you both suffer but neither of you can be sure if this is truely fact based

 

Your relationship appears to be too important to not go through this basic and logical step.

 

Please consider this as an absolute requirement prior to deciding the next actions to be taken - you both deserve clarity.

 

I would suggest you talk to her and propose this - not in any reference to the guy she met - but for both of you to be able to process this now and in your future lives.

 

I would advise not to leave this alone - because whatever the outcome will be - the result will be a vital part of your own personal rebuilding. Face it now and as soon as possible - we will be here for you.

[W101]

Thankyou for your kindness Lostdreams.

 

Thankfully she agreed to a DNA test, so all that'sleft to do on that front now is wait till it comes in the mail, do the business and post it back, I'm 99% sure what it'll say without doing one, doesn't hurt to have it in writing though.

 

 

It's an important relationship like you say, if nothing else I feel it will be a nice memento however things turns out.

 

 

I haven't asked anything about her new... whatever he is, frankly, I don't want or need to know, I wouldn't want to say something now that I'll likely regret tomorrow, if she does turn out to officially be my half sister, then I'm going to want to stay in contact with her whatever happens, wouldn't do me any good to open my big yap.

 

 

Thanks the comforting words it truly means a lot.

[Ronni_W]

W101,

I'm sorry to hear of this. Thanks for taking the time to update us...I had been thinking of you.

 

I think you're right that your best course of action is to leave things as they are right now, and do your best to focus on other aspects of your life. Given all circumstances, you might need limited contact rather than no contact at all, but do what feels best for your own heart and will allow you to continue to function at your own highest levels.

 

Don't ask her about her new guy (don't show any interest in that or make it important or unimportant in any way)...and, if/when they start having problems, don't be the guy who gives her advice on how to fix things.

 

In the meantime, all I can offer is to stay strong and hold positive thoughts that you WILL have your perfect love someday. At present, leave it open as to who that may be.

 

Big hugs.

[W101]

I can't thank you enough for how supportive and understanding you've been Ronni, I really appreciate you taking the time to help guide me.

 

I'd have updated sooner, only, I needed time to wrap my head around what I was hearing, at first, a big part of me didn't want to believe or accep what she was saying because this isn't the kind of thing I'd ever have expected from her, I don't think bad of her because of it, but it's definitely a shock to the system.

 

 

My heart is telling me to not to get close to this situation and give myself the distance I need from it, she said she'd still like to talk, I told her we'd have a chat when the DNA results come back, until then, I'd need some time to myself, it's not my first break up under similar circumstances, looking back, I feel grateful that I actually learned a thing or 2, I imagine I'd be in hell right now if I hadn't learned to keep my composure.

 

 

I haven't asked a thing about her new guy, there's some things at certain times your better off not knowing, I definitely won't be the person she confides in over this guy, I want nothing to do with it, whether it fizzles out or lasts, I'll wish her the best either way, these situations are too tricky to ever bet on.

 

 

I've always been somebody who's happy with or without the love from another, so I'll be fine, I can only hope that one day somebody will come along again and sweep me off my feet like that.

 

 

Thank again for youe help and encouraging words.