melvin01 Posted August 30, 2014 Posted August 30, 2014 Hi everyone, Over the last few days I've found myself in a slightly tricky situation in work and wonder whether anyone has any tips on how to deal with it? About 6 weeks ago we had our office Summer party and about 15 of us got very drunk. I ended up flirting with a couple of female colleagues (because I was plastered). One of them shut me down and the other flirted back. In the days after the party I apologised to both for being a drunken idiot and both seemed fine about it. I never really meant anything by it, both are attractive girls but it was drunk stupidity. Anyway, since then I've started seeing someone else (outside work) and am getting on well with her, great. Yesterday in the office one of the girls (the one who flirted back) asked if she could speak with me alone for a minute - I said yes of course, and we went to the kitchen. She then asked me out for a drink with her after work next week. I said yes, not knowing what else to say (as far as I was concerned the whole thing was forgotten). I don't want to get involved with this girl but how can I turn this around so that there is no loss of face on her part - am I best just to say that I've started seeing someone else. Its the weekend now so I'm not going to be able to 'nip it in the bud' for a couple of days - should I follow through and go for a drink with her and tell her then, or should I tell her in work? Any diplomacy tips would be very welcome!
smackie9 Posted August 30, 2014 Posted August 30, 2014 No girl likes to hear "I am see someone else" She will feel like crap and recent you, adding unwanted drama to your work environment. She will flat out ask you why did you even say yes in the first place. You don't want that crap. No you tell her you thought about it and you don't feel comfortable dating coworkers, and hopes she can understand your decision. 1
writergal Posted August 30, 2014 Posted August 30, 2014 ^^ Agree with smackie9, OP. Just be honest with your coworker and tell her that you changed your mind and can't meetup with her for a drink after work because you don't date coworkers and only see her as a friend. Short and sweet. That should nip the problem in the bud. She must have liked you before the summer work party where you drunkenly flirted with her, so she misinterpreted that as you green-lighting a chance to date you, and so she asked you out. So if you go through with the after-work drink date, you'll just hurt her feelings as smackie9 pointed out. And that's not necessary. She doesn't need to know that you just started to date someone. It's none of her business, your love life. She's just a coworker after all. 2
Author melvin01 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Posted September 2, 2014 Thank you both for your replies! A couple of updates on this from last week. Firstly, I tried to turn the suggested one-on-one situation into a more friendly 'group down the pub' thing by sending a group e-mail at work with her cc'd. I'd not have a problem being friends with her (well, not so far anyway) and thought this would be a nicer (though admittedly rather cowardly) way of saying I'm not interested in a one-on-one relationship with her. It didn't work. She replied that she needed to see me one-on-one because she has "things she wants to talk to me about" (wtf). At this point I did decide to try and sort the situation out properly - we spoke in the kitchen for a minute or so and I said I thought we should just be friends as the office is very small etc. She said that she thought I liked her, and that she likes me and that she needs to meet me once to talk to me about it. I said no to meeting up after work but made the concession of agreeing to go for a walk with her in a couple of days time on lunch break (I honestly thought she would cry otherwise and there were lots of people about). Thing is, I know I shouldn't have flirted with her the other week, but I really feel like this is too much now - we didn't sleep together, or even kiss, and I feel like I've made it pretty clear today that I'm not interested in her but that didn't seem to put her off at all, and its not as though she's some naive teenager, she's at least 33 and has a PhD! I must have been knocked back by a hundred girls over the years (and several of those had just had a change of heart - that's how it goes) it isn't always nice but you have to accept it. It doesn't seem fair that, having said I just want to be friends, I now have to go through this thing, almost, of giving her a hearing - it isn't going to change how I feel about her (in fact, in my estimation she has now gone from quite an attractive woman to full on bunny-boiler). Not really sure what to do now, don't really want to hurt her feelings but it seems like the more I try to be nice about the whole situation the more she takes advantage of it to try and manipulate me into wanting to be with her! What am I supposed to say to her - I just want to be able to go to work and do my job
Standard-Fare Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I mean, I think it can be as simple as "I'm seeing someone else." It sounds like she doesn't even have that fact yet. Also, apologize for giving her the wrong impression by flirting at the party... remind her again that you were just being a drunken idiot. If she doesn't accept this, she's nuts. 3
smackie9 Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Doesn't matter how old or what kind of intelligence one has....they can still find themselves to be emotionally vulnerable. It seems as tho she has been secretly pining for you for quite sometime to the point she has convinced herself she is in love with you. It doesn't mean she's nuts, she is just caught up in a crush and it has gotten the best of her. I agree with the above poster that you need to be firm about it and break the news you are seeing some (just recently), and alcohol was doing the talking at that party. If she doesn't let up, talk to your HR person or supervisor. Lesson learned I hope....never get drunk at work parties, or date co-workers period.
Author melvin01 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Posted September 2, 2014 Thanks both - I think telling her that I'm seeing someone else is probably the next step (although its, again, none of her business). Definitely no intention of getting involved with anyone at work!
smackie9 Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Thanks both - I think telling her that I'm seeing someone else is probably the next step (although its, again, none of her business). Definitely no intention of getting involved with anyone at work! You already have been pleasant with her, now it's time to just put your foot down and tell her firmly that there is nothing you want to discuss or hear from her...and that is final! Then walk away. 1
Author melvin01 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Posted September 2, 2014 Thanks, you're right and that's what I'll do.
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