should i continue this relationship? or are we both better off without it?

[tartelet]

quickly...i started dating a boy about 2.5 years ago. we dated for 1.5 years, then we broke up, essentially, because he pulled away for various reasons (school, work, moving away for a period of time, etc..). it was very hard on me..i was alone in a new city and searching for work, etc...but i pulled myself together and found a new job and got super involved and started meeting friends. meanwhile, we kept in touch and every now and then we'd hook up. it always left me feeling awful because i still had feelings for him. i had great experiences with new people but i had a deep sense of missing him. then he moved back and within a few weeks told me it was too hard for him to think about moving away from me, that he was intensely sorry for pulling away like he did, but that he'd realized in his time away that i was 'the one' and he wanted to try the relationship again. by that time, i'd finally started dating someone new and this 'revelation' really effected me and i ended up breaking up with the new guy and started dating the old one again. it was going rather well...we have so much in common, share dreams, enjoy the same activites, he honestly had changed a lot of the things he promised he had and it was generally great. it was hard for me, though, to integrate him back into my life after so much hurt (mostly to the friends i'd leaned on during the breakup). but he was understanding and all. i also felt intense guilt about breaking up with the new boy because i really liked him and i put forth a lot of effort into maintaining a friendship, sometimes to the detriment to the old boy....anyways, about a month ago i said i wanted space...he was starting to talk about marriage and such and i really felt that i still needed to build trust in him and wasn't in any way ready to start thinking about that. i also think he may have a drinking problem. here's how i feel. i feel a deep connection to him (spiritually and mentally), he is very generous and cares a great deal for me, he cooks and cleans and is creative and all that fun stuff, i really respect the direction he's headed with his career (although it may not earn enough money)...i just dont' feel ready to commit, and even if i did, there are some personal issues he has (such as lack of self confidence and a potential drinking problem) that really worry me. he's at a point where he is so busy with grad school and work that he doesn't have much time to socialize and he's quite isolated for the most part...and that scares me, too. i don't know. i want to include him in my life; i think he'd enrich it...but i am not ready for marriage and i don't want to lead him on.

 

question: how do i include someone in my life when he's ready for more and i'm just not? i may be, eventually, but i'm not sure. am i just scared? or am i right to question this?

[Lil Honey]

Tartelet:

 

I think that you are smart for wanting to wait a while.

 

You have pointed out some very good qualities that he has, which include "a deep connection to him (spiritually and mentally)", his generosity, that he is in school and working. At the same time, you are concerned about his drinking. A drinking problem is a serious issue and is generally a deal-breaker for a lot of people. You have every right to the time it takes to get your questions answered.

 

The fact that he works and goes to school may make it very difficult to socialize. Some people are happy with only a handful of friends. (I am.) Since I don't have a huge group of friends, I don't feel the need to go places where there are a lot of people. He may be the same way.

 

There are others who are happier having a lot of friends and I would think that they are more the type that want to go to big parties and crowded places. Is it that he is one "style" and you are the other?

 

am not ready for marriage and i don't want to lead him on.

I don't think that you are "leading him on" just because you aren't ready to get married. You would be leading him on if you were to make him think (deceive him) that you do want to get married when you really don't.

 

how do i include someone in my life when he's ready for more and i'm just not? i may be, eventually, but i'm not sure. am i just scared? or am i right to question this?

You can include him in your life by telling him how you feel about marriage at this point. You can include him in your life by being honest and telling him that you love him, that you want to stay with him, but you just aren't ready for marriage yet.