HappyLove Posted August 30, 2014 Posted August 30, 2014 Hmmm, full custody of 4 girls. I'd give him a pass once in a while. If you set the standard from the start that last minute is ok then that's what your gonna get. If your ok with that then proceed.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 30, 2014 Posted August 30, 2014 You just have to decide what works for you. I wouldn't accept a last-minute invite like that, personally. By accepting a last-minute invitation, you're communicating to him that this is OK with you in general. Are you going to be OK with the last-minute invites from now on? Because you're communicating that it's cool with you. 3
isisisweeping Posted August 30, 2014 Posted August 30, 2014 I wouldn't ditch them but I would make other plans and I wouldn't cancel the plans for a last second invite. I wouldn't invent plans if I didn't have them if an invite came through that I wanted to accept on its own merits just to seem less available. I expect some notice. I also really dislike when a guy just says, "When are you free so I can take you out?" Instead of offering specific plans and days - my reason being, I have very few days just sitting around free, I make plans and have a child, but if I have a promising invitation I can look at making actual arrangements. I'm not going to make arrangements so that I can then see if that time is good because cancelling arrangements willy nilly is not good for being able to make them next time.
todreaminblue Posted August 30, 2014 Posted August 30, 2014 So when they bring up doing something last minute I say what? Sorry I have other things? Should I tell them it would have been better to ask me a couple of days in advance? or I drop that part? Why do I always feel I have to teach these men how to behave! if teaching means being honest gaeta ...it lets them know your style of dating and communicating what you prefer and maybe a compromise here and there......if a guy didnt set up a date a couple of days ahead and i really liked him i would go on the date anyway if i had no plans..., but i would say to him i really prefer some notice next time please......liek a couple of days if you can.....and if he respects that ...he is now aware and understands what you like as in regards to dating.....deb 1
GemmaUK Posted August 30, 2014 Posted August 30, 2014 So I got home after work and got a call from one of them and we ended up doing something together tonight. It was a last minute thing but I am more forgiving and flexible with him. He has full custody of his 4 girls so his free time is not as easy to plan as the others. He said his eldest was home tonight and available to babysit so he could get away. This was our 3rd date. He spoke about 'next time' we see each other but not definite plan. I am not sure he can do definite plan in his case or am I being too flexible with him? because of his parental situation. Between this post and your first post in this thread I feel the need to point out something you should keep in your mind..will get on to that in a sec. First off though, is this the guy who wanted you to schedule the next date in the beginning? The one you said was wierd after the text about praying when you had had that nightmare? The reason I'm asking that is while you get to know this guy do remember things like that. I, to my detriment one time ignored/brushed under the carpet some early signals that a relationship would not be at all right for me. I think some of us do this and I'm not prepared to not listen to my gut next time. I listen to it closely now. From listening closer I have had much less doubt and much more clear thinking about whether to even meet someone - in hindsight I am aware I have saved myself bother and hassle. I've got to the point of texts and calls and soon realised this guy wasn't for me no matter how cute he might look. The bit I wanted to point out: He was able to arrange a last minute date - this does mean he wanted to see you. You are bearing in mind that he has children and you are making allowances for that and being considerate. You don't have ankle biters roaming the house just now but you do deserve consideration of equal value. If he had said a few days ago 'I am hoping I have Friday free to see you, will let you know as soon as I can' then he is being as considerate as possible - as in he is giving you a warning in advance and basically requesting you keep that time free to see him. This then also gives you the opportunity to check at a later time to find out if he will or won't be free so that you can plan to do something else (your time is valuable to you) . This was a one off I hope. He does need to be made aware though that your time is valuable to you so that he sees you 'of value' if you see what I mean? Respect yourself and he will soon catch on that he has to respect you too. If this were to become a routine over the next few dates that it is all last minute then he will see you as someone who is call-on-able. All of us appreciate something we earn and work a little bit for much more than something given to us on a plate. You are considerate and you are thinking of the bigger picture here (meaning his situation) - but just make sure he does too and returns your kindness. 4
Author Gaeta Posted August 30, 2014 Author Posted August 30, 2014 Thank you GemmaUK, great advice as always. Yes he's the one awkward on text and so normal in person. He told me he is very timid. A level 7-8 on a scale to 10. I read that sometimes when timid people try to push themselves outside their comfort zone they can come across as awkward. First time when we met at our point of rendez-vous he arrived much earlier. He parked in front of the place. He waited for me to show up at the door. I was outside waiting and text him I was there. He was texting back he was almost there while in reality he was parked a few feet away from me trying to gather the courage to come out. He took a good 6-7 minutes to push himself to come out. That's timid.
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 30, 2014 Posted August 30, 2014 I have 3 active prospects at the moment. I met them all 2 times. They are all interested in seeing me again, they call almost each day and they text each day. Yet.......... We are Friday 3:30 pm and NONE of them have booked time with me for the weekend. Is it just me being out of touch with how it's done? Don't you expect a date invitation a couple of days ahead or that's just in my head!? 2 of them I was the one that set up the second date. "Booked time" with you? Are you changing their oil? Maybe they're busy this weekend. Or maybe they were expecting you to invite them to do something. Why can't you suggest a time to get together?
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 30, 2014 Posted August 30, 2014 (edited) I generally expect a date to be planned around a week in advance, although if it's more like 4-5 days and I'm still free I'll accept. Any less than that and I probably won't be free. Some guys are more spontaneous but I have lots going on in my life and don't tend to leave free nights when I can be doing something fun instead, so the spontaneous ones have to adapt to that if they want to see me. That's not me acting all princessy, it's just the way I am and if somebody doesn't want to do that then it's no harm done but they wouldn't fit well with me anyway. I wouldn't accept a last minute date offer (the same or next day) unless I had been dating somebody for a while, and a plan is not a plan until it's concrete, I.e. if somebody says 'we could get dinner Saturday if I'm free' it's not a date until we have a time and place to meet, and if something else comes along I'll accept that instead. Seems to work well for me anyway, I've never been short of guys to date or men chasing me for concrete dates, and the ones who weren't as persistent just fell by the wayside. Plenty of guys are flakey and act like the ones you speak about Gaeta but they just disappear while the better guys get ahead. I think if somebody is actually interested in you they will want to make sure they have your time locked down at the weekend well in advance before something else comes along, unless their interest level is low or they see you as a bit of a loser who won't have other options. Obviously I treat people the same and also suggest and organise dates in advance. Obviously I know I'm not for everyone and two more laid back people would suit one another, but I'm usually busy and organised and like to make the most out of my life and time so if somebody isn't a similar personality we wouldn't match anyway. Edited August 30, 2014 by acrosstheuniverse 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 30, 2014 Author Posted August 30, 2014 Acrosstheuniverse: I agree. One of my 3 prospects has eliminated himself. Him and I exchange on the phone a few days before meeting, we met last weekend, and he called almost each day since. He's the one who mentioned doing something over the weekend but here we are Saturday noon and nothing from him. Anyway something bothered me about him and I told him I had noticed he never calls me from his home. He calls from his car or he calls when he's outside. He mumbled some BS as an excuse and I have not heard from him since. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 Anyway something bothered me about him and I told him I had noticed he never calls me from his home. He calls from his car or he calls when he's outside. He mumbled some BS as an excuse and I have not heard from him since. Sounds like he's living with someone he doesn't want you to know about - wife, mother, etc. I think it's good you decided to pass on him. 1
Author Gaeta Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 UPDATE Saturday night I decide to head to the movies by myself. When I got out he had tried to call me at 9 pm, he left a voice message and a text. I got home quite late so I text him I had just got his message and to call me the following day if he wished. I did not hear from him till tonight. So tonight phone rings, He tells me I sounded like I didn't care if he'd call back or not in my last text to him and he had not called back because he felt rejected. I said 'wait a minute'....and blasted him!! I told him how offending it is to get a call from a man at 9 pm a Saturday night!! As if I am the last name on his list!! Why the heck was he calling for?? Doesn't he know how to make a proper invitation ahead of time before the weekend hits?? Doesn't he know how to show respect to a woman and her time?? I was unstoppable....I said i was tired of meeting flakes like him, I am facking tired of having to teach men how to treat me. He said because it was a long weekend he thought it was ok to call Saturday night to fix something for Sunday or Monday (idiot). I told him by 9 pm Saturday my Sunday and my Monday were completely booked!! When you are really interested in a woman you facking make reservation ahead of time to make sure she'll have time for you. Anyway you get the picture. He took it ....he apologized, he said he didn't think about it that way at the time but he sees where he lacked manners now and it won't happen again. Thoughts? 2
Andy_K Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 A friend of mine years ago was very good at manipulating men. If something like this happened she'd say "I'd love to see you this evening but I already have plans. Gosh, I wish you had called me on Wednesday or Thursday. I'm so disappointed not to see you again." No blaming or pissiness. Usually worked at eliminating booty calls and getting men who really liked her. Sounds like she's read 'The Rules', as that's more or less exactly what it suggests to do. I agree with most who say guys just tend to be more spontaneous. If I do something with guy friends on a Saturday night, typically it was planned on the Saturday afternoon! Or if we are really feeling organised, the Friday night. When it comes to dating I will generally try to make plans several days in advance, because I've found over time you need to with many girls... But that's not to say every guy will have had the same thing. If he's used to women keeping themselves available or cancelling plans for him, why would he ever have learnt to start asking earlier? He won't do that until he meets someone like fitchicks friend! 2
Emilia Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 I said 'wait a minute'....and blasted him!! I told him how offending it is to get a call from a man at 9 pm a Saturday night!! As if I am the last name on his list!! Why the heck was he calling for?? Doesn't he know how to make a proper invitation ahead of time before the weekend hits?? Doesn't he know how to show respect to a woman and her time?? I was unstoppable....I said i was tired of meeting flakes like him, I am facking tired of having to teach men how to treat me. He said because it was a long weekend he thought it was ok to call Saturday night to fix something for Sunday or Monday (idiot). I told him by 9 pm Saturday my Sunday and my Monday were completely booked!! When you are really interested in a woman you facking make reservation ahead of time to make sure she'll have time for you. Anyway you get the picture. He took it ....he apologized, he said he didn't think about it that way at the time but he sees where he lacked manners now and it won't happen again. Thoughts? My thoughts are that there is nothing wrong with how he thinks, this is how he likes running his life. It's up to you whether he fits in with yours. I think instead of this neurosis and fretting, you should speak to the guy in the very beginning making it clear that you need a few days notice. Rather than blow up in his face. Sounds like she's read 'The Rules', as that's more or less exactly what it suggests to do. I agree with most who say guys just tend to be more spontaneous. If I do something with guy friends on a Saturday night, typically it was planned on the Saturday afternoon! Or if we are really feeling organised, the Friday night. When it comes to dating I will generally try to make plans several days in advance, because I've found over time you need to with many girls... But that's not to say every guy will have had the same thing. If he's used to women keeping themselves available or cancelling plans for him, why would he ever have learnt to start asking earlier? He won't do that until he meets someone like fitchicks friend! I agree. I like things last minute and I hate having my weekend booked up, I don't have a diary. I find it much harder to see female friends because they need to make plans up to two weeks in advance or more! While my male friends are often available for a beer and watching some sport. I suppose it's a lifestyle choice and I can certainly understand not looking too available. On the other hand, you can't expect everyone having the same views as you. Make yours clear, tell the guy. Instead of fretting on loveshack over this small piece of communication with someone you have met already a couple of times. 1
sillyanswer Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Thoughts? Nothing wrong with his approach other than it's wrong for you. It'll be just fine for someone else. Now that you've had a row with him he might do things differently if he's able to and if you're still interested. More generally, you were heading into the weekend seeing 3 guys. Nothing wrong with multi-dating (in my opinion, of course) but then you might reasonably expect that they are doing the same and it's possible that other women had some of the attention of some of these guys. Or, to put it a different way, even dating 3 guys shouldn't leave you with an expectation of having a date for the weekend.
Author Gaeta Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 I spent my entire weekend alone. I even went the movie by myself Saturday night because I felt to bumped that NONE of those prospects planned a little something with me over this past long weekend. Having a phone call from a man at 9 pm Saturday night is insulting. You don't call a lady to make plans with her on a Saturday night! You take her out on a Saturday night! And if he called Saturday night 9 hr it's because he was FREE. Or maybe his plans got cancelled THEN he called me? You try it ....You call any woman you just met on a Saturday night past 9h. Lets see how thrilled she is. She's probably not going to pick up.
Author Gaeta Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 Instead of fretting on loveshack over this small piece of communication with someone you have met already a couple of times. Him and I did not meet a couple of times ! We met ONCE over coffee. You don't set up a second date by calling a Saturday night. This is a 44 year old man, not 20. He's not a male friends, he's a romantic prospects. And I'll fret on here as much as I wish, that's what this place is for.
LuvsTrucks2 Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 I am so glad you decided to get out by yourself and go to the movies. I agree with other posters that if a guy is interested, they are going to let you know, you won't have to sit and try to figure it out. I also agree about any last minute invites, I won't accept them. I just tell them sorry, I already have plans, I wish you would have called sooner. Unfortunately as we have discussed before, this is how OLD is. Both sides, men and women, are doing the "weeding" out. Since I'm alone I do try to keep myself busy and this has back fired from time to time, been told I'm too busy to date, not true, if I really like a guy, I will find the time. Don't give up! Stay true to yourself.
mammasita Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 When I met my BF, before we were official, he always made plans with me at least by Wednesday for the weekend. When we added the title he started to slack a little and I mentioned nonchalantly that I'm a planner and like to know what's going on. Don't let them keep you hanging. Planning in advance is not unreasonable.
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