Sweetz Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 Thumbs Wife I can't tell you how much I can understand and relate to what you are going through. I feel as though I could have been writing all your posts for you. I feel your pain literally and it sucks, I know. I was involved in multiple affairs over 4 years of my 5 year marriage. The last one lasted 2 years off and on. Here's part of my last reply on LS before today. Tell me how much it sounds like you. I have had time to reflect a lot lately and going through it all in my head, this man has put me through living hell and has never apologized or acknowledged it once. At this point, I couldn't feel more like a prostitute now if I got back with him. And to think he did this while married, why would I even subject myself to such abuse again? The only answer is what you stated, which is the draw, the attention, the drug like state that I fall into when we use to be together. The addiction is a high that I guess made it all worth it, at least in my head. When I look at it subjectively, it doesn't make sense but that is something I am going to discuss with my counselor when we do meet in a few weeks, and I am excited about it. I know how lucky I am now to have gotten out of this situation with my husband still by my side. I am such a fool to risk losing a great man like him, who I know I will never be able to replace. I am going to be spending a lot of time in counseling looking at myself and seeing how I can better myself and my life and my marriage and "affair proof" my life so that I am never in the situation that I have put my H and my life through the last few years. Today I still feel the same as the day I wrote that, but honestly, I feel weak. I feel now as if I could fall back into the mess I worked so hard to get out of. It's not been easy. My message to you Thumbs Wife is "what do you want out of this?". You can't have it both ways so the choice is basically up to you. It's not an easy one, and the pain won't go away tomorrow. It may never for either of you. Please PM me. I want to help you through this as someone who has gone through your same steps and can relate to you. I am not a doctor or a specialist, just someone like you who knows how hard things are right now and what lies ahead for you. It's not going to be easy, but if you want to do it you can. I have a feeling we have a lot in common as far as what is going on in our lives. Deep down I feel my husband will always be there regardless of what he says or threatens me with. I know he will be there for me and perhaps that's why I take advantage of it. I can't deal with the steady and stable life he gives me. I 'm not use to it. I grew up in a home with workaholic parents who never spent time with me and so I caused trouble to get their attention. Then when I got it, I felt loved and validated because then they showed me they cared. Perhaps I am duplicating this in my adult life as you are? Who knows? But it's possible. The road ahead is rough but you can handle it, that is, if you choose to go down that path.
deesgirl Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Stop looking at yourself as a victim. I hear you say how you let OM do this to you. He didn't do anything you didn't let him do. I'm sure he could turn it around and say that he had an ED and you, a younger woman, took advantage of that. That isn't true either. The reason I'm saying this is not to try to make you feel worse. When a couple decides to stay together after an affair, there are usually three goals. One is to get your spouse to forgive you. Two is to forgive yourself. Three is to make sure it NEVER happens again. If you look at yourself as a victim, and decide it was something OM did TO you, it can very well happen again. You may be sucked in by someone different in the future. You did the same thing to his wife as he did to your husband. You started the affair just as much as he did. Take full responsibility. He did nothing you didn't let him do.
mourningMM Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 is the one where you face up to the fact that a person is responsible for thier own actions. Not deciding to blow the OM off the first time he approached was an action. Not deciding to avoid him was an action. Giving in to physical desire was an action. Allowing him to spend time with you was an action. Even talking or looking at him was an action. Full responisibility...and acceptance of all of your actions is the first step to really being able to forgive yourself. Accepting that you can be weak, but that you want to be strong is the next step. Asking for help is a close third...
goldy Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 well yes but there is responsibility and there is over responsibility and i happen to think that beating yourself up doesnt help anybody. sometimes people seem as though they are not taking responsibility because they cannot handle the whole thing all in one. i'm pretty sure that thumbs wife is feeling very very responsible for this whole mess right now. and why do people get into these things? i like the kahlil quote
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