Thumbs Wife Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Hello to all of you who have been helping my husband get through this terrible thing i have created and i have consumed for 10 months. I am a cheater, a liar, a deseiver, very cunning very calculating and above all I have ruined my husband as i know him. I have ruined myself as I know her. I am crushed, devistated,confused,sad,angry,hurt. I am not message board savy but I know what I have done is wrong and I need to fix us and I need all of your help. To start I lied to my husband and told him I had a one night stand in July. I did not have a one night stand I had a 10 month affair with my supervisor that is directly over me. I told my husband it was one night becasue i deceptive as i am thought he would beleive me and move on from this. We started MC in July and I lied to him the entire time until I just broke March 1st 2005. I am dying inside. i thought i was in love with this other person and when I told him he said" you told him why did you do this you ruined everything" I was crushed. i thought he loved me I thought he really cared and that he would leave his spouse for me. I was not ready to leave my husband i just was confused and what I really did want. I cannot lie and deceive any longer i have been through counseling and lying my way through this and i cannot live with this affair anylonger. i am embarrassed,ashamed,feeling very alone right now. I am hurt that I have crushed my husbands soul and I want to make this better. i need major help. i know I am not right in my mind! I now am returing to the MC and I want to really make this work. I f***ED up and I really think I can get some help here. My husband is a great person and I have belittled him to nothing. i hote myself for this and I really want him to forgive me and get through this with me. I know I have said this before to him but it was a lie and it was a HUGE MISTAKE! I want to pay for this mistake. I need to be held accountable I need to get real with myself and I need him to trust me again. I understand that this is going to take time. All this time I was turning to OM but I have somehow figured out it was all right in front of me. I have taken my husband for granted I have betrayed all trust. I am a mess!! I need help!! Please someone help me!! I am so beside myself right now. i do not know who I am for doing this nor do i like the person that I have become through all of this. I am cold and i am sad and i am not who I once was. My MC says I should also go to AA. I need some insight into this. Do I think I have a problem Yes do i think I am and alcoholic. I am scared to commit to this. I am not scared on the otherhand to commit to recovery with thumbing my way. I have wanted to reveal this and since I have I feel the weight off my shoulders. I am just so upset and hurt. I may sound weird but I feel the same emotions Thumbing is feeling towards me that I feel about the OM. What is wrong with me? Why did I let this happen? Why do people cheat? Why do they beleive the OM? I am completely ashamed of myself. I work with this OM so I don't want to lose my job but i have put in to be a part-time supervisor so I really need to get out of that office. I was so wrong I am so sad and i should be. Please help me and my husband and please know that I am new at this but I need the truth more then ever now because I finally told and my conscience told me to tell. I cannot go on with this anylonger. Please help in anyway that you can. I need your advice your thoughts and some of you will come after me I know!!! I need something in my life!! It's missing and i need to find out what or where it is. Not WHO!! I should have never fallen for OM. I really need some help here....
debs Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 To Thumbs wife...Welcome! You have placed your first foot forward by admitting you have a drinking problem and you turned to an outside source for comfort! I will not fool you into thinking your road to recovery is a not hard long one because it is! I say go with therapy, feel your feelings because you chose to get better! I wish you and thumb all the best in your endeavors! I do appluade you for having the strength to admit your wrongs and the willing to seek help for your drinking!
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Hey, First I want to give you a hug! You writing here and opening up is HUGE and you should be really proud of yourself! I'm sure this is so hard for you to do this...But it is a good thing and we'll all help you as much as we can. I'm glad to read that you are aware of what you did. Takes alot of courage and guts to come on here and spill like you did...I respect you for that. I'm not going to say anything to make you feel bad because you feel bad enough. I will share my thoughts with you. I'm going to comment on this part, it caught my eyes too. My MC says I should also go to AA. I need some insight into this. Do I think I have a problem Yes do i think I am and alcoholic. I am scared to commit to this. I am not scared on the otherhand to commit to recovery with thumbing my way. I have wanted to reveal this and since I have I feel the weight off my shoulders. I am just so upset and hurt. I may sound weird but I feel the same emotions Thumbing is feeling towards me that I feel about the OM. What is wrong with me? Why did I let this happen? Why do people cheat? Why do they beleive the OM? I am completely ashamed of myself. I work with this OM so I don't want to lose my job but i have put in to be a part-time supervisor so I really need to get out of that office. I was so wrong I am so sad and i should be. Please help me and my husband and please know that I am new at this but I need the truth more then ever now because I finally told and my conscience told me to tell. I cannot go on with this anylonger. Please help in anyway that you can. I need your advice your thoughts and some of you will come after me I know!!! I need something in my life!! It's missing and i need to find out what or where it is. Not WHO!! I should have never fallen for OM. I really need some help here.... I don't drink but I my bestfriend is an A. She is 12 years sober now. Alcohol does affect the way one handles life. Situations, thought patterns,choices...I think you going to AA will be a helpful thing for YOU! Maybe join an online AA group as well. Friends in similar situations, on or offline are tremendous help! There is nothing 'wrong' with you. You felt something for somebody else...An innocent flirt, a flutter in the heart, a crush, a sexual feeling. We all go day in and day out flirting abit with coworkers and having fun... As long as it is just left at that. It feels good to be looked, desired by somebody else, boosts the ego and makes us feel good! Good energy!! It's taking to it to a different place and allowing it to happen...Maybe that 'passion' and 'new exciting' feeling was not there for you towards your husband. This guy just happened to be there and for some reason you both were attracted to eachother. Doesn't mean that you don't love your husband, your life, your family....Just the 'stimulated' side of you really needed to be woken up and somehow this man did it for you. Obviously he felt it too, who knows what his home life was like. But right now it's over and that is what you are grieving. You miss him, you are very emotionally attached to him, you care about him...You may actually love him, I don't know. But that is something now to deal with and you will move past it. This is hard and won't be easy for a while. Time heals those wounds. You made a horrible mistake and now it is time to do all the fixing. Work on yourself with your therapist to find out what it is that is missing...We all go through that, s***, I am now, I'm not working - doing some freelancing but I suffer from an anxiety disorder and haven't been myself for about 2 years. This affected my relationship with my husband...It affected my whole LIFE! SO I know about learning and finding out about oneself. It is hard but worth ALL of it. I don't know what else to say right now, Im sure some others will jump in...I've got some things I need to do but I will be back and write some more. Mrs Thumb, that weight on your shoulders will get lighter the more you admit and open up. I'm not talking about here, but to your husband. I know you feel shame and embarressed and feel so horrible that you hurt him...He knows that too. He just may not be readyfor a while to 'be there' for you to help you through your pain. You probably know that already...You really do love him and feel that you want to stay married him then don't give up. Allow him to deal with this in his own way. Wish ya the best and I'll post more later to you. Hugs!
Pocky Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Originally posted by Thumbs Wife Please help in anyway that you can. I need your advice your thoughts and some of you will come after me I know!!! I need something in my life!! It's missing and i need to find out what or where it is. Not WHO!! I should have never fallen for OM. I really need some help here.... It appears that you have decided the problem lies within you and not within the marriage. If that is the case, then one-on-one therapy would be my suggestion in conjunction with your marriage counseling. It may be difficult to uncover the root of the problem if you're only having marriage counseling. While honesty is a necessary tool in a relationship, each person has and needs a private place they can retreat to even if that place excludes their significant other. Personally, to truly find the root of the problem you need to find it alone without the pressure or influence of a joint counseling session. Both of you have to decide if at this point there is a reason to move forward. Attending marriage counseling isn't going to do anything if both of you haven't made the conscious decision to work on this marriage.
Owl Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Well, I'm glad to "meet" you, Thumb's wife. Your husband has become someone I respect quite a bit in my time here on LS, so I do hope that things can work out the best possible way that they can for both of you. I agree with Debs...you've taken your first baby step by finally seeing yourself as someone who needs to fix some things in her life...and by admitting to yourself that you need help to get things fixed. That's darned hard, and you should be proud that you've managed to do that. I agree with getting to AA, if you know that you've got problems with alchohol. My family has a history of alchoholism, so while I've not had to deal with it myself, I can absolutely see what it can do to a family, and how tough it can be to recover from. I hope that you can take the time to read through a lot of the posts here on this board. I can well imagine it's going to be VERY tough for you to do so, because you're going to see a lot of things here that will open your eyes to what your husband is feeling now. And honestly, you're going to have to deal with reading his posts over the last several months about how he THOUGHT things were going in your marriage, and see things through his eyes. But I think that it's critical that you do so. Part of the problem is that you've been doing all of this without any regard to what the impacts of these choices would be...and now you've got to face them. You'll also read from other BS's (betrayed spouses) like myself describing what they feel/felt throughout the course of things. Recognize that this is EXACTLY what your husband is going through again. Armed with that knowledge, hopefully you can begin working with him and help him to DEAL with those feelings. It's NOT going to be easy....for either of you. Recognize that it's going to take a LONG time for you both to recover at this point...years. There's not going to be any kind of quick fix. Trust has been damaged TWICE...and each time it's damaged like this, it's harder to repair, and less likely to return to anything resembling normal. I hesitate to say this so soon after you joining this forum, but you may need to face the possibility that you've done so much damage to the trust in your marriage that it can't recover from this second blow. I'm not sure that my marriage would survive what you're going through. If you want to start on it though, here are some things that you can consider. 1. END THE LIES NOW. -You can't lie to him about ANYTHING anymore....not ANYTHING. If he asks how much the groceries cost, you'd better look at the receipt and make sure you're accurate. If he asks you ANYTHING to do with the affair, you need to tell the FULL TRUTH, THE FIRST TIME, WITHOUT FAIL. You can't conceal ANYTHING from him anymore...because he's going to be so sensitive to when you do lie that it's going to set alarm bells up everytime he catches you in one...and it's going to raise doubts in his mind about EVERYTHING. This is a no-fail thing....after the compounded lies from the MC to now, this is going to be the ONLY way he'll ever regain trust in you. 2. YOU need to take the initiative in healing your marriage now. I'm gonna shoot straight with you...he's busted his BUTT for the last several months trying to make things right, and you've blown every bit of that effort away. It was ALL for nothing. If you truly want to keep him, and truly want to recover your marriage, then YOU need to start working on making that happen. I hope that I'm not coming across as vindictive, or angry, or any of those things. I'm not. I don't know you, and I don't have any kind of vested interest in how things work out for either of you. I hope that the advice that I have provided does help you some. I wish both of you the very best of luck in all of this!
jmargel Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 One way to look at this is that now the recovery can start. Everything was building up because of the lies you were telling your husband. Why did this all start? Well, we can't answer that for you. Over time the both of you will have a better understanding. I would guess though as most problems start is due to bad communication between you two. Could be strife, stress, being too comfortable in a relationship or perhaps just boredom may make you stray. It could be that you confided in this OM, which gave him an open door to your heart. You sought something that you didn't think you could find in your husband for some reason which you will dig & find out for yourself, that reason. Unfortunetly no magic wand can be waved and make this all disappear. Yes you have hurt your husband and a good portion of the marriage is on shakey ground. You took a wrecking ball to the foundation of your marriage. There are alot of cracks, alot of pieces that need to be repaired. Can it? I believe so since you want this to work out between you and your husband. As for feeling those things for this OM? I won't post here and demean you or say that you shouldn't feel bad. You confided in him and had a 'relationship' with him even though it was wrong. You were getting all your needs fulfilled by having both men in your life. This OM apparently does not value you more than the physical aspects of the affair were. You thought you found what you lost, however that is not the case. You are probably also very afraid of the unknown what the future holds. I believe you should consider yourself very lucky to have a husband such as TMW. Most men would leave. If he chooses to leave you need to respect that decision. He is very upset right now, understandably so. More than anything though, he wants answers on why this happened. I don't even know if you know yourself yet. Patience and guidance will make that all clear, hopefully sometime soon. I want to pay for this mistake Paying for this mistake is not going to make it go away, nor will it make the hurt any less on your husband or the guilt that you feel. Are you truly sorry for what you did, or are you sorry that it did not turn out the way you hoped for? For the past 10 months you also have not been thinking with a clear head. I am not giving excuses for what you did, but often problems in a marriage are magnified when a third party sets in. You cannot expect to have your marriage last if this OM is still in the picture. I would suggest a transfer or another place of employment. I am glad that you recognize that you need help by going to AA. The first step to recovery is by admitting you have a problem. Alcoholism destroys marriages and the person who is doing the drinking. What you and your husband are going through right now is alot. You need to take things one day at a time and not get ahead of yourself. Please also check my link in my signature. I believe you and your husband have alot of 'issues' you need to deal with. Not necessarily the affair but everything below that surface. Everything that manifested itself to the point where the affair started. You also need to take care of yourself. Use this time wisely. Learn to communicate better, which doesn't necessarily mean talking, but listening to the other person. Continue MC and try to get into an AA meeting soon. Post here as much as you want. Remember we are not here to judge but to help.
sylviaguardian Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 To Mrs Thumbs, Welcome to LS. Aaah, what a mess. Your H was one of the people on this site who a lot turned to for advice. He always had wise words to say and spoke so highly of you and your marriage together. I don't know what to say. I don't understand any of it. My own husband had an A and I don't understand that either! The only advice I could possibly give is to take a long hard look at what you want. Think hard before you make up your mind. If you want this marriage you are going to have to work so hard to save it. You can't heal Thumbs - no-one can do that for him. All you can do is work to make yourself a better person, to make the marriage better. But first you have to make sure that that is what you really want and not just because the OM 'tricked' you. You are going to have to be 100% open and honest and you're going to have to take some hard times. I think individual counselling sounds a good idea. If you think that you have problems with alcohol, there seem to be some deeper problems hiding here. Wish you both luck. Please look after your kids. Syl
michelangelo Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 You may not be able to heal your husband; however, you can do a lot to stop further injury to him. It will take a long to time for him to get over what you've done. Longer than you believe possible. it is your job to do no more harm and make yourself a respectable person again. Will he be there for you on this journey?? I don't know. But you should start walking the path regardless.
pragmatic Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Welcome to the Shack. I am sad that you find yourself in need of our advice. I am more sad that your husband, who has been a pillar of strength to so many in the Shack, finds himself buried beneath this avalanche. I think you have some idea about what you have to do from this point forward, but I doubt you have any idea how hard it is going to be. If Thumb hasn't shown you yet, please check out the posts by Sweetz. Your situations are somewhat similar, and she has very courageously followed a textbook recovery. You can learn what you are in for, which may help you along the way. It may sound funny coming from someone you never met, or never will meet, but I am pulling for you and Thumb, as are many others. Good luck and keep posting.
Santa's Elf Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 It's very sad that this came about in the first place but it has and now you must deal with it. I hope you realise what a great guy Thumbs is....it made me cry reading his post. Him so angry and yet he was able to say he loved you so much. Imagine someone feeling that way about you. Please appreciate him, appreciate the hell he is going through - through no fault of his own. You do need his help and you do need his support but he needs your help and support too, don't forget that. Don't hurt him again, please. Be honest and if you want to stay with him then tell him that. If you have no intention of saving your marriage, please tell him that too. He needs to know. He has to deal with it accordingly. You need to be completely honest with him and with yourself.
DazednConfused Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Hello Thumb's wife, What Owl said! Ah, I guess that's too easy.... I had to leave for a couple of hours after reading your original post to compose myself. Imagine that you have nightmares. Now imagine that each morning you wake up to realize that you are no longer having those nightmares. this goes on for some time before you realize; the nightmare is your reality! You have perpetrated and made happen what your husband feared most.....You have continued to lie to him and continued your affair. I wrote this in another thread a couple of weeks ago.... As for your wife's affair; well, my friend, reconciliation is totally your call. Owl, TMW, and myself are kinda special cases in that we have found it within ourselves to forgive. Never forget, but try to live in the today, not in what is behind. I don't know if it is because we all passionately love our wives, or we are all three been taken by the manipulative lying of our wives; time will tell if our gamble pays off. What i am trying to say is that there is no guarantee. No guarantees. But you have started to prove the statistic that says approximately 60% of those who have affairs will do so again, most of those will continue the current one. I guess that means that either Owl's wife or mine is next. There's a happy thought. It was and is not my intent to rip you here. I promise. I am simply not going to tiptoe around the truth of this matter. You need to hear the real deal. I have alot of respect for your husband and the amazing strength he has shown us all. I am crushed for him. I have no clue what TMW is doing right now, but if he is considering staying with you, I am even more impressed. From your post above, you were ready to throw Thumbs over for your lover, but he wouldn't have you. Welcome to reality. Hurts doesn't it? So now you come crying home and want forgiveness and profess your newfound desire to earn your husband's forgiveness. Suddenly, you are so very sorry and feel so badly about what you've done. If I'm not convinced, you can bet thumbs is pretty hesitant too. Where would you be today if your lover had taken you up on your offer? you would be gone and Thumbs would be wondering what the hell happened. You have a lot of work to do. I mean a lot. I just don't know if Thumbs has the patience to go through this with you. Damn the very idea makes me a little ill. You will need to throw yourself into counseling and reconciliation with abandon if you want to have a chance. Lastly, Thumbs has to want this as well. You need some guidance and some understanding of what he is experiencing. I have not until now made public knowledge that I have written a book about exactly this subject. It was written specifically to help you understand what you've done and how to get yourself the time it may take to earn trust and respect back. I will make it available to you if it is okay with Thumbs. I am still in copyrighting with it at the moment, but I think you need it. You or thumbs should simply PM me with an email address and I will send it. I really wish you luck, and my heart goes out to my buddy Thumbs - I will help in any way I can. -Dazed
Merin Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Welcome to the Shack Mrs TMW.. Well obviously you already know what you've done is wrong.. honestly I cannot think of a worse way to betray someone than the way you've done to your husband.. worse yet that through trying to *Get help* you were lying to him and to yourself... That out of the way... One thing that caught my eye in your thread is the question you've asked.. WHY.. Why do people cheat.. I guess my advice to you at this time is to find the answer to this question not for why people cheat.. but why YOU cheated... unless or until you're able to come to terms with this and discover what motivated you to do the things you did... your husband isn't going to be able to reach you in a real way. All the best to you and Mr. TMW.. we're all pretty crazy about him on the shack.. and if he's willing to give you another opportunity.. it certainly speaks volumes IMO about the kind of love he has for you.. Merin~
Author Thumbs Wife Posted March 2, 2005 Author Posted March 2, 2005 I have lied to Tumbs for 8 months since councelling but I think I have lied my whole life. I come from 2 alcoholic parents bad scene there.Very verbally abused and bad childhood. I have no excuses for what I have done. Boy could I come up with so many, but I cannot LIE anymore. I have lied so much I have become a master of deceipt. God what have I done. 2nd day into this confession and I am so scared I cannot be in my own skin. Thumbs told me he is not sure he wants to stay with me or in our home and I can only tell you all that I am afraid of him leaving me!! He has the right to do this but I just am insecure and selfish that I want him to stay. He desearves a women that is going to love him with her whole heart. I on the other had have been loving him with 1/4 of my heart and not even this at times. I have robbed him of his manhood. I cannot beleive what I have done. I am so SORRY to my H but he may never forgive me and I will have to live with this the rest of my life. You all have given me good advice and I am going to use this all. I am seeking MC and I will see her tonight. Individually. I know now that the cat is out of the bag and I am the cat and OM is the BAG! The bag of **** that he is. I am angry with the OM. What the F--- was I thinking! I was so dooped by this man. Very cunning and devious. Very tall dark and handsome! Kind of a Bad Boy. 2 years ago we had a son that had colic. My H and I did not communicate very little or not at all. We argued constantly and I felt so alone. A year went by and I met the OM at work. He was introduced to me and he shook my hand and he said "wow you have a great grip you must be a strong women" I remember back now it made me feel awesome. It made me feel wow this person thinks I am a strong women and he did not even know me. I then in December met him out at a work party Thumbs was with me. Meanwhile I was flirting with him daily!! I was so glad to go to work that I think my attnedance went up a degree when I was graded. X-mas of 2004 was the party and this is when the flirting turned to a definate attraction. Slapping of behinds grabbing around the midsection. I was so atracted this feeling of WOW someone likes me!! He paid very close attention. He starting texting me. Comments all day long while at work and when I would leave I would get 3-4 text a day. By May this was getting very heavy and all the petting around turned into Kissing and touching eachother. By June we attended a festival together and I had oral sex with him in a car all wasted off my butt. I barely remember this!! (Alcohol) I woke up and he text me (I want more of you!) I left my phone on and Thumbs read this and asked what the hell did this mean! I blew it off as I just was joking around with another Co-worker but it was the OM. After this I was drinking very heavlily and I told the OM after this text that I was not going to see him anylonger and not to text me. I saw him everyday and he was miserable. I wonder now was he acting and he should have received and OSCAR for his perfomance like he really gave a **** about me. I thought he did so when he asked me to lunch I was no happy! I just kept turning to him. Oral Sex was usually performed on our outings becasue he wanted to PLEASE me!! What a joke. Then he could go home to his wife and live his real life 2 kids 45 years old well established. I am the textbook case I feel GOD was I a F---king idiot. I actually said it to the OM do you think I am an idiot. He would say no you are so smart so pretty so, everything I wanted to hear. After my H and I entered councelling in July I saw him the day before we started councelling. Thumbs wants dates and times and I do not have the answers I was not thinking at the time only how to be a liar and I was not paying attention to dates and times. i was waiting for my FIX! God I got off on this. I am amazed and how much 2 days into this I am pissed off!! Pissed that this OM was so cunning I never saw what happened in October coming. I asked the OM in October to leave his wife for me. He said that he has been thinking about this and would need more time. He then wanted to put things off for awhile. I gave him the space he text back. We had a work party and the party was late and we had Oral S that night. I have to mention to you all he was 45 and had erectile disfunction so pleasing me was what he did. He got off on me getting off! I feel very sick and disgusting and dirty. I feel useless and very dirty. I want to make this right. I know you all have said make your decsions based on thought and make it based on truth. Truth is I am going to make this right. I am sure none of you beleive me but i beleive me and this is the first time in my life I have believed in myself or the decsion I have made. I have a interview already on Monday so I hope to GOD i can get out of that office and I can leave. I need to have no contact with this OM. I have to go back to work tomarrow any suggestions. i need to go to work I will not talk anything but business to this OM but I am scared of my anxiety level and I have anxiety disorder so I am very nervous of my body function not really worried about OM talking to me. OM made it very clear that I ruined this by telling my H. I am not sad or mad I told. I am glad I told. I feel he may make the workplace bad for me. I am getting out. Do I quit my job? I carry our insurance and I am making very good money. I know no Contact how can I make Thumbs know I will not contact. I know he does not beleive me. Thumbs is still in the house but he is bawling and I don't know what to do! He is so upset with this LIE. How can I get through this maybe I should leave. Would it be better for our Kids and my H. he is very worried I will contact the OM. I need someone please repond I feel very bad about this LIE and I should I think he want to leave I know now that this is not in my hands but GODS!! will he help me??? I need someone right now!!!!
Merin Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 To seperate or not is a decision that needs to be made by the BOTH of you.. of course TMW feels that he cannot trust your word that you will not contact MM.. at this point words are pretty empty and actions are whats going to be needed... I know you don't want to leave your place of employment.. but honestly.. is the cost of your marriage possibly ending worth staying there? Make EVERY effort to SHOW TMW that you're serious and willing to do whatever it takes to work on this and make things right again.
DazednConfused Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Thumb's wife.... Quit your job. Do not go back there another minute. If you need to collect your belongings, take Thumbs with you. Yes, it will be an insurance and financial hardship for a while until you get a new job, but it will be ahuge step in earning his respect back. I do not think i could live with my wife if she was still working with the bastard that she was fooling around with. I just couldn't. Beyond that, accountability for every minute is all you have. get rid of your current cell phone right now and get a different number when finances permit. You and thumbs need to send a closure letter together to the the OM. Above all, be available for Thumbs. He will want to talk and to be alone alternately, your job is to remain available. Man, this is killin me, and it isn't even me....... Thumbs, if and when you read this..... chin up man, her lies and actions had NOTHING to do with you as a man; but her insecurities as a woman. -Dazed
ThumbingMyWay Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Originally posted by Thumbs Wife I have lied to Tumbs for 8 months since councelling.... After my H and I entered councelling in July I saw OM the day before we started councelling..... I asked the OM in October to leave his wife for me. He said that he has been thinking about this and would need more time..... He got off on me getting off! I feel very sick and disgusting and dirty. I feel useless and very dirty. strawberry baby....these are the things I am struggling with.....these hit the core of me as man.....as a loving faithfull husband..... ...LOVE FAITH AND HOPE...is in control of me know....HE will show me the way.....
Ladyjane14 Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Okay, Thumb's Wife and Thumb....big, deep, cleansing breaths. This is so traumatic for both of you. If ever there was a time to gather serenity around you.... this is it. You're not going to hash it out today, or tomorrow, or even the next day. Don't pick at a raw wound. There's time, and time is your friend. I think it's possible that Thumb's Wife is self-medicating with alcohol, and the excitement of an illicit relationship. This could be due to her admitted anxiety, her status as an adult child of alcoholics, or any number of things. It takes time to nail down a correct diagnosis....and it takes a professional to do it. I would suggest speaking to your counselor about a more aggressive psychotherapy. I think there's a void inside Thumb's Wife, and she's desparately throwing whatever she can into it, in an effort to fill it. I don't think it centers in circumstance, but rather from within. You're a luckier woman than you know that Thumb didn't ask you to remove yourself from the premises forthwith. I advised him myself to do just that. It's what I would have done if this had happened to me. But I'm in a unique position to understand what reconciliation truly means, and how far a person in a state of reconciliation has extended their trust. I can imagine very well how I would feel to come back from a dead marriage....to the marriage I always dreamed of....only to have it ripped away by lies and deceit. To find out that everything wonderful in my life had been an illusion, and that in fact my circumstances were worse than I had ever imagined. It's gotta be ripping the heart right out of him. I do have great sympathy for you however, Thumb's Wife, after reading your posts. I suffer from mild anxiety myself. So, I feel the void inside....the empty place that nothing really fills. And I don't even know if it's the anxiety that causes it, or if it's something else. Perhaps it's something physiological, something in the actual chemical make-up of my body. But it's excruciating at times, like a strong craving that you don't know what to do about. And it feels like a weakness, so you don't share it with people and you don't talk about it. I stand with Dazed on the question of going back to work. It's the scene of the crime. I doubt your marriage will withstand it. Instead, I would write a NO CONTACT letter to the OM, and a letter of resignation to the company. I would also write a letter to Thumb, a love letter that tells him exactly why he is special to you, and why specifically you want to continue on in the marriage. He needs to know that he in not your fall-back plan. And I would stand behind Thumb on whatever decision he makes about exposure of the OM.....no matter how difficult it is. You're probably very concerned about that right now. It's got to be very painful for you to know that you're not the only one who could face the consequences of the affair. Thumb may decide to put it all out there in the open. Or, he may not. If you don't show him RIGHT NOW that your loyalty is his, in absolute entirety....then you might as well hang it up. Show him accountability. Volunteer it. Give it as a gift....with no strings attached. Let him no where you are, who you talked to, what your passwords are. Show him your cell phone log every night. Give him the constant reassurance that he needs. He won't always be able to bring himself to ask for it. Offer it. EVERYDAY. And if he rejects it, offer it again later. You can't be thin-skinned here. Only the strong survive infidelity. BE STRONG. Allow him to comfort you. You did something that hurt someone. If you've observed toddlers at play, often it's the child who bites that needs more comforting than the child who's bitten. It's scary to feel out of control. And you've probably felt that way for a long time. If you cry your tears for Thumb, let him hold you. If it's tears for the OM....never let them hit the floor. Above all else, remember that you have little people watching. They may not know the details, but they know something is going on. Make certain that you talk to them on an age appropriate level and in a reassuring way. Don't let them see more than they should. Deep breaths. Rome was not built in a day.
Author Thumbs Wife Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 I went to to my MC today. I had a hard time facing a person that I have lied to for 8 months. I feel now that just think of how Thumb feels! God I cannot imagine what I have done here. I am fully numb!! Wish now I would have seen the light and wish I would have chosen a better path!! I did not. I chose the complete wrong path. I chose someone else to share my life with. I cannot imagine what I would feel if Thumb did this to me!! I am selfish little bitch and I am so mad and sad I cannot sleep,eat,think,interact, i just cannot know what I have done to my H. i have so much that I want to say so please bear with me in this. MC thinks I need inpatient alcoholic Thearapy. I do and I called tonight. 8 months ago I did this same route and I lied my way through it. i cannot lie anymore. i have to face this with truth and a support system that can get me through this. I appreciate all the help and I do take all your words into consideration. I am not good at doing the right thing so I need to learn this behavior over again. I have spoke to 2 close friends and i have revealed to them my betrayal. I have let them know what I have done and I was surprised that really who they cared about was Thumb. I know they care about me too but it was more sadness for him then me! I have to understand that I crushed the mans soul and I cannot take this one back. I cannot get back what I had nor will this ever be the same. I have to live with this all my life and I am really struggling with this. Thumb was my best friend 17 years and look were I am today. God help Me and help my H. I need to change I can make this work. I know it is soon but I know that if I put 110% in that I had should of put in 8 month ago I can do this! I never tried with Thumb for 8 months because I was clouded. I was so caught up in the affair that I just did not care about anyone but me! ME ME ME!!!! I hate myself. I hate what I did and I hate who I have become! This is truly not the person I thought I was and I am not sure who the person I am is. I need to search really deep and find my true path. I cannot give this man up!! I know he desearves the best in life and I know that my H is a great person. I just lost my way. I was just selfish and how can anyone be so selfish. I know that he will have to take his time and I need to get much counselling. I know I have a long road and I know that with the help of a program and the help of you and the support of family and friends we can get through this. I need HELP!! my MC said that a path can be sewn if I let it and it can be a path to heaven or it can remain the hell that I am in. I want the path to heaven and I need to open my heart up to get this. My heart has been closed. Please know that I want to have a kind heart for Thumb and I want to make him trust me again. I know it will take huge amount of time and he may ultimatly leave me!! Typing that last line really sinks in!! Will I ever be what he wants,needs,loves, adored. I took this all from him like a theif. I just want true love back in my heart not Lies,deception and betryal. I will look forward to your words and wisdom. Give me strength!! Pray for my soul!! Pray for Thumb he is the truth and the light!
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 You both are in my thoughts tonight as I go to bed. I can't believe how much this has affected me, I feel really awful and sad. I don't know either of you, I only know how wonderful Thumbs is through his words of support in previous threads and here now as he shares his breaking heart. Don't give up, don't be afraid to face the pain. Horrible rollercoaster to ride on for you both and I'm sorry it's a bad one. Thumbs wife...I suffer from an anxiety disorder too. I know how crappy it can make you feel. Make sure this issue comes up in therapy/MC. Hugs to you both. WWIU
fleafly Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 I cant believe how this has effected me as well. I have tried to respond to this 3 times and deleted it every time, I have too much respect for your husband to say what I wanted to say. I want to encourage both of you, your decision to accept that you have a problem with drinking is profound, you should be proud. However thats the only kind words I have for you. Your husband helped me out soo much when I found myself in the same situation a month ago. He as well as others in here picked me up when I thought I would never beable to work my way out of this hell Ive found myself in. This man gave his heart and soul to you, I will stop now before I get cruel, and I do apolagize, but I see my wife in you, with all the lies and deceit. I hope you can work through this, I really do, you have a man that loves and cares for you more then you will ever realize, cherish that.
Santa's Elf Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 These are two things that TMW said last month. "I know that in my situ, I NEVER want to go thru this again.....and I hope I dont hve to. if my wife cheated again....man, I dont even want to think about that." "It is working for me. My wife and I are choosing to focus on our relationship and our family. WE can show our children and set an exmaple that marriage and love can be fullfilling..." What must he be going through? You weren't focusing on your relationship or you family, were you???? I don't want to bash you but did you think about the effect this would have on him or your children? He foragve you once, he wasn't sure if he could do it again. I hope you two can salvage your relationship because it isn't nice for kids to be put through a divorce and it's difficult for them to be moved from one parent to another. Not to mention it would be great for both of you to be able to trust again. Thumbs, maybe your words are the motivation you need. I know people have told you to throw your wife out but that isn't realistic because that could have a detrimental effect on your children. Any decisions made have to be made considering everyone in your family. And it also has to be what you both want otherwise it isn't going to work. It is going to be very difficult but TMW sounds like such an understanding and loving guy I just hope you haven't damaged him irreparably.
jmargel Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Thumb's Wife.. You are NOT a monster. You may have made some wrong choices and are sick (alcoholism) but you are not some demented creature out there who has done a henious crime. You admit to all of this, which is a start. You need to continue MC no matter how much it hurts, because if you quit now I can guarantee your life will further turn south. Yes you hurt your husband, but love does has a way of healing wounds. I know you wish this never happened, or would like to have this all magically fixed, but only time & counseling will help your situation. Don't give up on yourself or your marriage. If you two choose to, you two will could have many happy years left between you two. As for Thumb, I hope you are taking care of yourself. Don't let this guy destroy what you have left. In terms of, this OM would like nothing better for you to kick your wife to the curb. It just gives him an extra chance to play his game. Hit him where it hurts. I believe by going to his wife letting her know will be both beneficial for your marriage, and for the sake of her. She needs to know about this just as much as you did. As for the employment, I would take a leave of absence. Look for another job right away. Right now your husband doesn't trust you, but Thumbs I have to say this.. Even though she lied to you for 8 months she has now told you the truth. She could have kept lying to you. She took responsibility to face the consequences because she loves you. She will also abide by your wishes on whether you leave or stay. Right now it's still early in all of this, but your anger and shock will dissapaite. Your wife needs to be honest about everything, any questions you ask her. It's upto you whether or not how much detail you want about the whole situation. However knowing minute will probably just feed your anger and upsetment and really give no benefit. During the next year or so you two will have good days and really bad days. It'll be a roller coaster. Remember that even though your wife did do alot of the cheating she has also stated that she was missing things from you before this happened. When I read her post it seemed like you two were lacking effective communication. It's time to start focusing on that. You can't change the past but you can learn from it. You have not been robbed from your wife, that is your choice. You have not been robbed of the past you have with her or the future. Again, that is your choice. However don't make any big decisions just yet. Most decisions made during anger or upsetment are often regretful. Hang in there and keep working on both of yourselves. You are both good people who have just made some mistakes in life.
StillHurtin Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 I don't know what to say as I am a BW and I know the pain and the hurt that your H is going through. My H was a supervisor and also had an A w/ the OW that worked directly under him. She was the one that got him fired from his job and I beleive she did it to get back at him for breaking it off w/ her to come back to me and our children. Anyhow, I agree that you need to get another job. You can't start healing and either can TMW if you are still seeing the OM on a daily basis. I wish you both the best. I hope you can make this all work.
mourningMM Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 This is my opinion, and my perspective...If it is helpful, I'm glad. If it is too intense, I'm sorry to have stressed you in this already stressful place that you are. There is a place that a person has to be when he or she in a marriage. When saying vows on the wedding day, they usually mean them. These words have been honed over centuries of experience, and the words, if you look at them individually are very powerful. I am catholic, and you may not be, but look to the words from your faith. When I was married, I did this...unfortunately my ex never did. He didn't understand the meaning of a life-long committment or of unconditional love. Because I did, when he left after an emotional affair...one where he could fool himself into thinking he didn't cheat, it wripped my emotions apart, destroyed my self-confidence, and raped my soul. Each night, I reminded myself that I had made a committment and checked to see if I'd kept it that day. If I found that I'd even compared my (then) husband to another man, I beat myself up for being unfaithful. I imagined the look of hurt on his face and then crushed any possible attraction to that other man out of my mind. Sometimes it took an effort...and when it did, I did not ever allow myself to be in the same area as that man. (On the down side, it took more than a year to be able to kiss another man after my husband left...I still had that vision of the hurt on his face.) From these words, we brought children into the world. This is not just a promise we made to each other, but that you made to both of your families and all of your future children. As you both approach this time of crisis, and decision, I would like to suggest that you do two things: 1) Imagine yourself on your death bed, talking to your children about the choices you made in your life. What do you want to be able to say? 2) Imagine yourself leaving each other, breaking the vows. Would you be able to say what you want to your children? Remember that althought it takes two to make a marriage, it takes only one to destroy it. You have years of experiences, a lifetime of two children, hundreds of plans for your future together...focus on them if you can. Because if you can imagine a future together where you have put this behind you, it can happen. Beware of selfishness, and of fear because both of those emotions will make it impossible for you to believe in a future. Be doubly careful of blaming anyone outside your marriage for the problems that you have together. If you didn't have problems, the affair would not have happened. The problems are the baggage that each of you carries...not just one or the other. And the baggage includes the bad habits that you have developed in communication, which need to be fixed. Because in order to correct the situation, you both need to be strong individuals who can keep their vows. Each of you should go to separate counselors, and to one together. Your children might benefit from seeing someone too, no matter how young they are. If my ex ever broke off with his lover, his new fiancee', I would still feel obligated to try to take him back...because I would not be able to die easily if I didn't try. I, personally, could not live with myself if I quit.
newby Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 thumbs wife, i really feel for you and i think you beating yourself to death over this is not going to help anybody. you and thumb do have to work together on this but for the most part you both have to work alone individually. so you hurt somebody, but you didnt do it with intent to hurt. it wasnt malicious. you know you have hurt somebody, you dont need anybody to tell you that. this is a quote from kahlil gibran that i love: "of the good in you i can speak, but not of the evil. for what is evil but good-tortured by its own hunger and thirst? when good is hungry, it seeks food, even in dark caves, and when it thirsts, it drinks even of dead waters" im not saying you are evil by the way!!! you were thirsty obviously, you need to nourish yourself. nobody can do that for us, NOBODY. doesnt matter how much they love us. when people first get together they feel that love and it satisfies but depending on how well nourished you are by yourself it wont keep you sustained forever. with some it takes more time with others less, add to this a general mutual taking for granted that goes with most marriages and straying is pretty much inevitable. it takes work to keep a marriage alive but work on YOURSELF as much as work with the spouse. if you are hungry yourself how can you feed anybody else? there is much you can do for yourself, it is never too late. get spiritual, read, meditate, seek alternative therapies along with more conventional ones. do whatever it takes to help yourself, one drowning man cannot save another. you need to work on yourself and thumb needs to work on himself. one other thing, you are sooo lucky, be grateful for all you have. you and your husband have love between you, be grateful for that love, feed that love, dont feed the guilt or the pain or the anger, keep feeding the love and soon it will heal everything, theres nothing more you have to do.
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