clarasacco Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 Boyfriend (30) of 2 years and I (26) are on break. He says he can't trust me because of things I've done. I'm sorry for the lenghty post, but I feel like I need to be detailed in order for people to understand. Incidents are in order: 1: I stayed at my ex husbands house 5 months into our relationship. We have a 5 year old daughter (my ex and I) and she was sick and wanted nothing but me. It was his night with her and it was 10pm. I ran over and slept in her bed with her. Went to work the next morning. He never asked and I forgot to bring it up because I didn't think it was an issue. He found out by looking through my texts a few weeks later. 2. We had just decided to terminate an unplanned pregnancy. Hardest decision ever for me, but so easy for him. Rather than being together during such a hard time, he was throwing impromtu parties at his apartment. A photographer I worked with once emailed me out of the blue. We had previously discussed doing a burlesque photoshoot (no nudity). He asked if I'd still be interested and I said I'd have to find my corsets. He then proceeded to ask if he came over, would I be wearing it.... I never responded because that went inappropriate fast. I never told him about the emails because he has a HORRIBLE temper. And I didn't see a need to let him know. He found out a few months later when he took my phone into the bathroom and went through all my past emails for no reason.... 3. I started a new job in April. Nothing but old people where I work. I ended up making a friend. He (24) and I talk about movies, TV shows and funny things on reddit. Other than that, we don't have a lot in common where it would even remotely count romantically. We just clicked as friends.We talked quite a lot in the beginning and my bf said it was a little much. Nothing innappropriate though and we haven't even hung out outside of work. Well, I stopped talking to him for a while. Well, my boyfriend could go for days without talking to me and be fine. Ive been up his butt about in the past, but he was getting annoyed so I started leaving him alone. My friend at work however is always up for talking. He never shuts up around anyone in fact. So I dump my day on him and hes been there a lot to talk me through stuff. But only as a friend. Last weekend my bf saw that I was still talking to him and I had deleted our chats because I honestly was afraid he would dump me for talking to him about things that a bf should be helping me through. But he's not available to talk and every time I do try to talk to him about stuff hes short with me and it almost seems insincere. I get deleting texts doesn't make it any better. He doesn't trust me anymore. I've screwed up, but I love him and I'd never cheat on him. Not even emotionally. Now we're on break while he figures things out and cools off. I feel awful for what I did, but some of my friends are saying what I did looks sketchy but I've never done anything to justify his fear of me sexing other guys. I feel sick and don't know what to do. Waiting around while he barely talks to me for a few weeks and a long vacation together is coming up fast... help!
mightycpa Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 You'd think that if you love him, you'd make him sound like a real catch. You don't. He just sounds selfish. I vote you stay on break for good. 3
Author clarasacco Posted August 29, 2014 Author Posted August 29, 2014 I definitely see your point. I do love him very much, but its difficult to shine a positive light on everything. Every time this has happened, I feel horrible for a few days and like I've done something so god awful that it's reprehensible. Then I start to think that what I did wasn't as bad as he's making it out to be. And I start to hear his words of how he "thought we had something special... he's my biggest fan... I'm the most important thing in the world to him..." But not being there for me when I need him the most... gettig annoyed that I want to be around him more than twice a week after a 2 year relationship... In the words of Alice "Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it... I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."
CarrieT Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 What MightyCPA said - I think you would be better off alone and able to date guys that aren't so paranoid and distrustful. Tell him the break is permanent and go No Contact. 1
Author clarasacco Posted August 29, 2014 Author Posted August 29, 2014 I'm not even sure how I turned into the bad guy... I do so much for him. I've helped him out when he was unemployed when I have daughter to take care of too. I've been there EVERY time he needed someone to talk to. I come to him more than he comes to me unless its convenient for him. He says "I'm doing you a favor by being here. Otherwise, we wouldn't see eachother tonight probably."... God. Those words actually came out of his mouth before. Why do I love him so much when I reflect on things he's said/done/not done in the past make me cringe?
mightycpa Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 Why do I love him so much when I reflect on things he's said/done/not done in the past make me cringe? You don't choose love, nor do you find yourself in it for any particular reasons. They say it chooses you. Usually, you fall out of love for a reason. He seems to have given you plenty of them. It just takes time. Imagine you were using OLD, and the stuff you wrote about him was on his profile. I'm sure you'd pass on the "opportunity". Sometimes, your heart is not your best friend. Sometimes, you have to listen to your head. 1
Author clarasacco Posted August 29, 2014 Author Posted August 29, 2014 Where do I go from here? Just give him his time to pick and choose when he wants to see me which is only a couple days less than what he normally does? Then when he's ready to talk about things again and figure this out, do we talk it out? Do i ignore him when he tries to contact me throughout his "break"? So painful....
mightycpa Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 Where do I go from here? So painful.... You add two little letters to your break.. "up" Call him up, ask to meet, and if he is willing, do it face to face in a public place, or if not, do it on the phone. Just tell him you've been thinking about it, and if he can't trust you, then there's no point in dragging things out, and you want to make a clean break with no intention of ever going back. I'm sure you'll want to say a lot more, but if you do, you just might get manipulated into dragging things out. If it were me, the broken record answer to any question or objection would always be "look, you said you can't trust me, and I believe you. I don't want to be with someone like that. It's not complicated. I'm done." Nobody does it that way, but that's the way it ought to be done with someone who is as you've described him. 1
Strength in Healing Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 If he had no problem terminating a life, as you said, then he is an absolutely worthless waste of life, and the world would be better off if he somehow became terminated himself. Hopefully some natural selection comes into play here... 1
Author clarasacco Posted August 29, 2014 Author Posted August 29, 2014 I'm starting to think about it and even though theres been a few things in our past that i've "done wrong" to him, I don't feel like any of them were grounds for him giving me such a hard time about this... So I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to say to defend my side if that comes up. I could mention the fact that he's been looking at my phone since the beginning. The first week we were together, I told him a drunk friend tried to kiss me. I did what was right, pushed him off, told him I was with someone and haven't spoke to him since. But my bf went through my phone that night because he didn't believe i was telling the truth... two nights after we started dating and he already was mistrusting me. Maybe that's one of the reasons I stopped sharing things with him... His reaction to things from the beginning were intrusive. Stealing my phone and locking himself in the bathroom....
mightycpa Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 So I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to say to defend my side if that comes up. See? Now you've entered the negotiation trap, where you feel you have to defend your decision. You don't. You're not in a prison sentence, and you don't have a contract. You are a free being. You don't have to defend ****. HIM: What about that time you kissed that guy? What did you expect me to think? YOU: what you want to say: "That was no big deal. you got upset and I apologized and blah, blah, blah" what you should say: "look, you said you can't trust me, and I believe you. I don't want to be with someone like that. It's not complicated. I'm done." HIM: Oh Yeah? Well that just proves I was right. YOU: what you want to say: "You're not right. Why are you being this way to me? You make me feel guilty and I didn't do anything. Don't you see I love you?" what you should say: OK. Whatever. I'm done with you. HIM : What about that text I found? YOU: what you want to say: what text? THAT WAS MY SISTER! what you should say: You don't seem to understand. You don't trust me. I get it. We are over. I'm going now. Don't call me.
loversquarrel Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 I'm going to play devil's advocate here. I don't know your boyfriend, nor do I know you so I only have one person's side of the story to go by. Obviously in considering you are more than likely biased I am going to focus on the part you wrote about what your friends had to say as I find it a little telling. Your friends - "IT LOOKS SKETCHY" - me being an outsider looking in, it does. Look, as for your ex-husband and your child - If it were me I may give that one a pass, however, I am divorced with children and I would not consider staying the night at my ex's while in a relationship. I wouldn't be pissed off about it if it were me, but it would make me feel a little uneasy. What kind of jumps out at me, besides your own friends statements, is that there have been more than one occasion in which you elected not to let your boyfriend know what was up, what you have done. He has developed a habit of having to discover things about you by looking through your phone instead of you just telling him. It comes off as sneaky. If I were in a relationship with you (now mind you - I am a level headed guy, not the jealous insecure type) and I discovered a few of these indiscretions I wouldn't stick around. You seem to have a pattern of behavior which paints you in a non-trustworthy light.
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