Ex-gf lost respect for me!!!

[Sagw]

I messed up real bad!

 

We had a relationship for 15 months. It was beautiful, we both loved each other. I met her at college and i quickly started flirting with her. She ended up in the back of my car and we started kissing. This is when i stole her first kiss. Eventually, I was her first French, first BJ, then homerun. I even did anal with her. I took everything from this girl. A few months into the relationship we started fighting about silly things. She would always accuse me of cheating! She would always tell me, "I know a lot woman want to have you and you probably give it to them." Honest to god, i never cheated on this girl. 5 months into it i got tired of her accusations and on top of that she would throw random tantrums. I know that woman act like this around there lovers to test them or if something is really wrong, so i just played my role as the man in the relationship. I would try to talk to her, why she acts like this and so forth. She told me she is impulsive and she will try to work on it. It was good for a month.

 

Then she started throwing tantrums again. I was calm about it, didn't really let it effect me. Everything is going well, she has her tantrums every now and then into the relationship. 13 months into the relationship we have a huge fight about how she is always yelling at me and so on. We break up for the 5th time and a week later she comes back to me. Every time we break, i swear it's mostly her fault. I just ignore her and she comes running back. When it's my fault, i apologize and she wont take me back so i just drop it and ignore her. Then she comes running back.

 

She then goes to the phillipines with her family for 2 months, but before she left we were still recovering from the argument. So she kind of left on a bad note. We're talking 3 times a week, while she's away. When she comes back, she throws her tantrums again and i get pissed! I tell her that we need to breakup, "youre not good for me," "she treats me better than you," etc. I even told her that shes always bringing me down with her negativity. So we break up and we start TALKING again a week later. She then purposely lies to me and tells me she had sex with another guy when we broke up 6 months ago. I believed her, so i told her off. Obviously she was lying, but in the moment i believed her. She cries and tells me this is a mess, "im sorry." She tries to get my attention by trying to get me horny, but i pull away.

 

This is where i mess up bad. I'm waiting for her call, but she doesnt call. Then eventually her friend texts me saying "what happen"? I told her really rude things about my ex, like:whore, crazy, bipolar, a mess,etc. I just lost it. Fortunately my ex understood and accepted my apology. Next day we start over. I call her and accuse her of hanging out with this guy and call her names again! She gets really upset and i call her back and ii apologize, but she doesn't take it. I go to her house later that night and i ask her that we should work it out and she tells me she's not feeling it. She offered me friendship, but i denied because i know what that really means. We have sex and we say our goodbyes. A week later i call her and we hangout, i tell her i'm comfortable with being friends now. The next day i go over her house and i try to flirt with her and touch her, but she gets mad and tells me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore and that we're not friends like that. I apologize that same night and send her a very long loving text explaining, how i'm sorry for everything and i didnt mean those things, i love you, and goodbye. I didn't pour out my feelings for her. She replies the next day, Aug.27. 2014 and says that im full of myself. She pretty much ignored me.

 

We haven't talked since 2 days ago. I'm pretty much moving on, but at the same time waiting for us to get back together. I'm already going on dates with other girls and posting pictures of our date online so she can see what she lost, even though i did her wrong.

 

I still love her and i actually miss hearing her negativity. She's a great person, i just took her for granted.

 

What are your thoughts on this? How do i build her respect and trust for me again??

[ExpatInItaly]

My thoughts are that the relationship is a toxic drama-fest, wrapped in a thick veneer of WTF. It clearly isn't working. You two are not good together and both need to mature. Time to let this one go for good. Real, healthy and loving relationships don't have off-the-charts drama like this one did.

[Downtown]

She would throw random tantrums. ...She told me she is impulsive ...Then she started throwing tantrums again.... What are your thoughts on this?

Sagw, welcome to LoveShack. My thoughts match those of Expat. I agree with her. Moreover, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., the lack of impulse control, temper tantrums, multiple breakup/makeup cycles, verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, and emotional instability -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I am not saying she has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can make that determination. Rather, I'm simply saying you are describing some of the typical BPD symptoms.

 

I therefore suggest you read about the typical BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If they do, I would suggest you also read my more detailed explanation of those warning signs in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I was married to a BPDer for 15 years. Take care, Sagw.

Edited August 30, 2014 by Downtown

[Sagw]

Okay, thanks for the replies and welcoming me

My other question is left unanswered, can anyone help me out on the respect question?

[zhaulk]

If she is your ex, ultimately it's not supposed to matter what they think of you. It's taking me a long time to realize this too, but it does not matter in the simplest terms. Just remember that nothing about her matters anymore. She is no longer apart of your life, and you hers. Time to cut the cord connecting you two. If you really want to earn her respect back, go no contact and keep it that way. She will respect you.

[W101]

I'm not surprised she lost respect for you, your making this all about you and going off like a rocket on her over every little thing, have some composure, it comes across like she's your trophy, kudos to you on the hanky panky but why do we need to know this, why does anybody need to know you took her brown cherry?, if you do score another chance with this girl, I'd keep a lid on the insults, women don't like to be spoke of negatively, take a step back and talk to her like a human being.

[Sagw]

You guys are very helpful. I realized that woman really stixk on to words. I did not treat her with respect, therefore overtime her heart grew cold. I have apologized sincerely in the end, but didnt help. I guess best thing is no contact and move on at the same time. She is still heartbroken, judging by her tumblr posts.

[ExpatInItaly]

You guys are very helpful. I realized that woman really stixk on to words. I did not treat her with respect, therefore overtime her heart grew cold. I have apologized sincerely in the end, but didnt help. I guess best thing is no contact and move on at the same time. She is still heartbroken, judging by her tumblr posts.

 

Stop looking at her tumblr. If you really want to move on, that includes avoiding/deleting any and all social media related to her. And I do think it's best in this case. The relationship was very unhealthy.

[TearyEyedPride]

My thoughts: That relationship sounded verbally abusive, ridiculous, unhealthy and not a good situation to remain in.

 

 

Honestly, it was only a matter of time before the more rational one of the two of you grew tired of the explosive back and forth. It could've been either one of you honestly.

 

 

As far as getting her trust back and making her think differently of you, that you really have no control over. You can change and become a better person but how she perceives your intentions and motivation is totally up to her.

 

 

If you're really through playing the game, just take some time to heal yourself, focus on being a better you, and ultimately leaving her alone. If she changes her mind, I'm sure she'll reach out.

[Sagw]

Update:

 

I went to her house today to pick up my stuff, randomly. I didnt need to, but I did because I wanted to see if we could be friends and she told me to bring back her stuff. So I did, later that night, which she agreed to. I ask her "we need to talk mature, strictly as friends" She agrees to it. So im there and i tell her that we should be friends, im over the drama and B.S. She tells me that she never wants to be my friend and that im really annoying/psychopathic. Btw as i was talkimg she was trying to look like she is javing a good time texting someone on the phone and she even rubbed it in my face and said "it wouldnt be right to the person who im talkimg to right now if we were friends." Clearly she is talking to no one and pretending. Then she calls her friend on the spot and makes her listen to what we're talking about. I tell her friend why I came here and what we talked about. My ex then tells me to get the f out of her house. So, I did and as im about to get up she pulls me down and tells me to delete the nudes first, but I get up anyway and keep walking. She then slams the door on me. Wtfff happened!! I guess it was too early to even show my face, didnt know she hated me this much. Oh well, on to the next one, sadly...

[Downtown]

Wtfff happened!! ....didnt know she hated me this much.

Sagw, do you actually want to know what happened? Really? If so, follow the link I gave you above to my post in Rebel's thread. It explains that this behavior -- of flipping back and forth between adoring you and hating you -- is called "black-white thinking." It also explains why these flips can occur in only ten seconds and be triggered by some minor comment you make.

[chelsea2011]

Downtown, I tend to agree with a lot of your accessments, but in this case I think there is more to this story and it could very well be pushing buttons that make her (and him) react badly. Sometimes people are just involved with the wrong person and they bring the worst out in each other.

[mightycpa]

Maybe you actually like this kind of behavior from your woman while the rest of us would feel doomed by it. I think that's the first thing you have to decide. If so, keep going back and pushing those buttons until you run out of quarters.

 

If not, run, run, run away and don't look back.

[chelsea2011]

A good rule for measuring if a relationship is rght for you or not is how the person makes you feel about yourself. If you feel naturally inspired to grow and be a better you then it's a good one. If being with them brings out a negative side of you then it's not a good relatonship and you should both agree to call it a day.

[Downtown]

Downtown, I tend to agree with a lot of your assesments, but in this case I think there is more to this story and it could very well be pushing buttons that make her (and him) react badly. Sometimes people are just involved with the wrong person and they bring the worst out in each other.

Chelsea, I agree. We never hear the full story and Sagw may be "pushing buttons," as you say. In this case, however, Sagw is complaining about frequent temper tantrums, irrational jealousy, impulsiveness, strong verbal abuse, and five breakup/makeup cycles. IMO, this does not sound like normal behavior for a grown woman about 20 years old. I therefore believe it would be prudent for Sagw to familiarize himself with the BPD warning signs so he can protect himself by spotting any strong signs that reappear frequently. Moreover, if he ever reunites with this young lady and gets serious, it also would be prudent for Sagw to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is he is dealing with. Edited September 1, 2014 by Downtown

[Sagw]

Usually, the breakups happen because of her insecurities. Pretty much she thinks im a cheater. Although, at the same time she does act bipolar. As far as the "pushing buttons," I have said some stuff that I could have said better. The problem is she only looks at one word in the sentence and hooks on to that word. Then attacks me on that, but in reality im not really trying to cause problems. Last night she told me that im full of myself because of the paragraph apology I sent her a week ago. I read it again in front of her and I was being a little prideful/full of myself. I told her that "I should have said this." I also explained how my intentions were good, I didnt mean to be full of myself. Even her friend agrees that my intentions were good, just a little badly phrased. Even after I explained myself, she still goes off on me. Her friend told me that she's just really hurt and it hurts her to see my face. So she tries to get rid of me by being extremely mean. Im flattered that I changed her to be more "woman like" because before she acted like a teenager, now she has high standards and does womanly things. So it sucks that it's really over, but life goes on.

[Downtown]

She does act bipolar.

Sagw, perhaps you are correct about her exhibiting bipolar traits. That is not what you seem to be describing, however. Instead, you seem to be describing behaviors much closer to the warning signs for BPD. The rapid flips between adoring you and hating you, for example, are characteristic of BPDer behavior. If you are interested, I describe the differences I've seen between the behavior typical of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and that typical of BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences .

[Sagw]

Shes 19. She did tell me a while back that she is emotionally damaged because her parents divorced while she was young and she would see her dad bring a new woman every week to her house. She also tells me that everybody leaves her like she wants me to feel bad if ever leave her, but I supported her through out until she ket pushing it to higher levels and I ended flipping and calling her names. I guess its her way of getting revenge because last night she was saying pretty much saying the same stuff I said to her out of anger, but her words are more damaging.

[Downtown]

Shes 19. She did tell me a while back that she is emotionally damaged because her parents divorced while she was young and she would see her dad bring a new woman every week to her house.

Sagw, BPD is believed to be caused by a trauma in early childhood (together with a genetic predisposition) that freezes the child's emotional development. A recent large-scale study found that 70% of BPDers report they had been abused or abandoned in childhood.

 

She also tells me that everybody leaves her like she wants me to feel bad if ever leave her.

A BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. Her other great fear is engulfment, i.e., the suffocating feeling that is experienced during intimacy. Of course, everyone experiences these two fears to some degree. BPDers therefore differ only in degree. This is why it is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone exhibits all nine BPD traits to some extent. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF has BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most of these traits at a strong and persistent level, i.e., is on the higher end of the spectrum. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I do believe, however, that you are capable of learning how to spot any strong BPD traits that are occurring if you take a little time to learn what to look for. There is nothing subtle about traits such as irrational jealousy, strong verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

I supported her through out until she kept pushing it to higher levels

Because a BPDer lives in fear that you will eventually abandon her when you realize what she is really like inside, she will repeatedly subject you ***** tests to find out if you will reject her. Passing such a test accomplishes nothing, however, because she will simply raise the hoop higher the next time she wants you to jump through it. No matter how many tests you pass, she will never believe that you are truly committed to her. Until she learns how to love and trust herself, she will be incapable of trusting you or believing that you will not leave her. Hence, if she is a BPDer, her testing at "higher levels" -- as you say -- would have gotten worse and worse.

[Sagw]

So what do you think would be best? I personally think I should leave her alone. There is just too much heat between us right now to even talk rationally.

[Downtown]

So what do you think would be best? I personally think I should leave her alone.

I agree with you, Sagw. As I stated in my first post above, I agree with Expat's view that "the relationship is a toxic drama-fest.... Time to let this one go for good." I also agree with Chelsea and Mighty that, because the relationship is so negative, it is time to call it a day.

 

Yet, because you've taken her back after four other breakups, I am concerned that you will be sucked into this toxic relationship a fifth time. If she really does have strong BPD traits, you may find that it is very very hard to walk away from the relationship permanently. When a BPDer is splitting a person white and adoring him, the adoration and love bombing can be so intense that it is extremely difficult to resist. This is why the ex-partners so often complain that dating a BPDer can be as addictive as heroine. The highs are so wonderful that you may be willing to tolerate all the painful withdrawals.

 

I therefore have suggested that, just in case she is high on the BPD spectrum, you familiarize yourself with the warning signs so you can spot any red flags that may occur. If she is a BPDer, she likely will return when she starts splitting you white again. Indeed, she has already returned to you four times following a breakup.

[Sagw]

UPDATE!

 

So, despite dating other girls, i still miss her and want her. So, today after 2 weeks of NC i tried calling her and i am still blocked on her phone. So, i went on her tumblr and messaged her "how are you?" She replied and asked me how i was too. I ask her what she has been up to and she replies, but it's non-chalant answers. She then tells me, "why are you talking to me?" I say "because i miss talking to you." Then she tells me "it would be best if we didn't get too personal again, just for the sake of leaving the past in the past." I agreed with her and asked her if she is free this weekend so we can go out for food. She says she's "busy this whole weekend and if god permits us to meet again, we will, but moreover, right now I'm not interested in catching up, personally." I ended the convo with "Okay then." I know for a fact that she is still upset at me for what i said to her a few weeks back, judging by her tumblr posts. I'm trying to figure if she's either telling me to "fu** off" or if she's testing me or enjoying the power. Maybe, she's really not ready to talk to me. I am confident that she is not dating/ talking to no one. Yet, she still tries to make me jealous. I'm also confident that she has not done anything with anyone because she believes to keep it with one person, plus she is very religious. This girl used to be so attached to me! That's what happens when women lose respect, i guess. She is stronger and more independent now.

[Sagw]

My thoughts: That relationship sounded verbally abusive, ridiculous, unhealthy and not a good situation to remain in.

 

 

Honestly, it was only a matter of time before the more rational one of the two of you grew tired of the explosive back and forth. It could've been either one of you honestly.

 

 

As far as getting her trust back and making her think differently of you, that you really have no control over. You can change and become a better person but how she perceives your intentions and motivation is totally up to her.

 

 

If you're really through playing the game, just take some time to heal yourself, focus on being a better you, and ultimately leaving her alone. If she changes her mind, I'm sure she'll reach out.

 

Finally, know how to quote someone lol

Alright, so me and my ex became friends for a few days. Then i called her and we started talking on the phone as friends. She was enjoying the convo, she was asking me about my life and vice versa. After an hour on the phone, she texted me right after the call and said "Don't get too comfortable, I'm just a kind soul." I replied with "Okay?" And she just said the same thing.

 

Then a couple hours later she brings up some childish stuff and starts blaming me for it! I was trying to reason with her that it's not my fault, which really wasn't! I was not arguing with her either. We weren't even fighting about the past. Then she tells me, "You still care, just admit it." I tell her "Obviously, i care if i say i miss talking to you, but i care as a friend." She says "You're not my friend and I'm actually really disgusted right now. It's not fair to who I'm talking to or who i may talk to in the future to keep you around. Im blocking your number again."

 

She's not even talking to anyone. She hangs out with this guy that likes her and every time we breakup, she becomes friends with him, but he's not even a challenge so I'm pretty sure there is nothing going there. She is friends with all her exes. Except me! She's the one that wanted to be friends with me in the first place and now, no. Am i too much for her to be her friend?

 

A few hours later she texts me saying "You need to stop with your pride, honey. Your talking to _____. Im setting my pride down for you. Its not the fact that you are telling people you broke up with me. The fact is i broke up with you and you need to tell the truth. I didn't even want to tell people we broke up or tell people i broke up with you. Important fact is, we are no longer together. We both know i broke up with you." I didn't reply to her text. Truth is i broke up with her. Before she said this, she commented on my tumblr post saying, "You didn't break up me. I broke up with you. I gave you numerous chances, you then took them and used them to break me down. Im glad i broke up with you. You're horrible." She then deleted this 5 minutes later. The funny thing is, she's not even following me on tumblr! She's checking up on me.

 

Honestly, i put my pride aside to talk to her because we both have strong personalities and sometimes they collide. I feel she just made an excuse to not talk to me. I did not respond to any of her b.s. Although, she did give me chances and i did use them to hurt her, but thats only because i felt like i wasn't wrong. Until, i realized a couple weeks ago. I guess she still hates me. I respect myself to walk away and ignore her negativity and act like it doesn't bother me. I'm just letting things happen the way they are supposed to happen and i'll just give it a few weeks.

 

What do you think her problem is?

[Downtown]

What do you think her problem is?

Sagw, I gave you my opinion on "her problem" in posts 17, 19, and 21 above. If you want a more detailed explanation, I suggest you read my post in Rebel's Thread. It sounds like you've been dating Rebel's exGF.

[mightycpa]

What do you think her problem is?

 

I would have to say that YOU are her biggest problem right now. She has told you in the clearest terms to leave her alone, and you won't.

 

Here is the truth: You're trying to dig your way out of this hole. But the more you dig, the deeper the hole gets.

 

You will never, ever, ever be back with this girl again. Never. She has seen a side of you that she wants no part of, and every time she thinks about you, this is what she will remember.