ja123 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Don't forget that his profile states he wants to date a woman without children. OP has a kid. Where does this leave the child in all of this? I'd ditch him, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 All intimate relationships are built on honest and open communication. Have you simply brought it up to him? Have you asked him where he sees this relationship going? I have always felt that it's best to go to the source than to sit back and wonder or guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Maybe the OP should just tell him she can't go out on Saturday as she has a date. Should sort how whether he thinks they're "exclusive" I guess its up to the op whether she wants to take the passive aggressive route or the mature conversation and communication route. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 A few different things going on here. For starters there is difference between steady dating and exclusivity and commitment. He may be enjoying dating you and he may not happen to be seeing anyone else at the moment but that does not mean that he has committed himself to only seeing you in the future or that he is obligated to be off the market. Those are all things that need to be discussed explicitly and can not be assumed. You are going to ask him directly if he is still keeping his options open and if he still considers himself available and looking. You are also going to have to ask him about women with children and what h s intentions are in that regard. Lots of men are ok with a Sat night date and having sex with a woman with kids but have virtually no intentions of ever making a home and family with them. You are going to have to be brutally frank and uncompromising about discussing that with him and not settle for anything less than a completely open and honest answer. You are both full grown adults and not star-struck kid's here. 3 months is a perfectly viable time to be discussing whether there is a future beyond simple dating and rolls in the hay here. You both have a right to keep your options open at this point but you each need to know where the other stands on that and know what your options are. He also has the right to not want to commit to a future with a woman with kids, but you have an obligation to find out where he stands on the child issue (and he is obligated to be honest with you when you ask) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kpr0411 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 (edited) Thank you to all who responded to this post. It was good to get a lot of opinions about my situation before bringing it up to him. I asked him about it earlier tonight and he said he once set up a profile on Match, didn't have much luck, and believed he took the profile down but I guess once you sign up on Match all your info is still on their servers (which I have heard other people complain about). He still gets emails from Match which can include special offers or other users expressing interest but he says he deletes them and suspects Match triggers the "Active" profile as a result of this (not sure if the "Active" is triggered when he opens the email or when he just checks the box next to the email to move it to the trash). I asked him if he could delete it or at least make it hidden since you could find his profile through a basic search. He seemed to be honest about it when he explained it to me but I will still be cautious about it moving forward (if he is messing around he may be more careful now and he has a background in acting/improv so maybe its easier for those kind of people to get out of situations on the spot??). In any case, hopefully it was just nothing and I'll check Match.com in a week or so and it'll be deleted or at least hidden. It's hard because I really have to take his word for it since I'm trusting him and I'm not going to hack into his email/phone to make sure his story checks out. I want to be someone he actually wants to be with, not someone he is simply okay with being in a relationship with because he hasn't found anything better. Edited August 29, 2014 by kpr0411 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 So you never discussed exclusivity? Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 I guess its up to the op whether she wants to take the passive aggressive route or the mature conversation and communication route. Oh yeah, sorry I forgot the jumping bunny icon Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Ok so what about the child thing????? What about the future of your relationship? Is he still on the dating market or not? You've addressed how the deck chairs are laid out on the deck of the Titanic but you haven't said anything about the iceberg or the gaping hole in the hull under the waterline. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Oh yeah, sorry I forgot the jumping bunny icon I think there is a story some where like this where some one successfully catfiahed their spouse but their spouse left them for the fake person. Irony. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 being honest is not paranoid or does it show a lack of trust...it shows that you deal with things quickly and effectively and that you value the relationship.....so talk to him.........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author kpr0411 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 Ok so what about the child thing????? What about the future of your relationship? Is he still on the dating market or not? You've addressed how the deck chairs are laid out on the deck of the Titanic but you haven't said anything about the iceberg or the gaping hole in the hull under the waterline. He said he just put "preferred no children" when he first set up his profile so he wasn't getting matched with people who had multiple kids but he is okay with 1. I wasn't too concerned with that issue because he's met my child and does fine around her (it was a really brief/casual meeting and I just introduced him as a "friend" to my daughter). As far as exclusivity he says he would like this to be a serious relationship and views it as exclusive. I must take his word on this and trust that he truly means this and isn't just saying it because he knows it is what I want to hear. I like to think I'm smart on when I choose to trust someone, I'm just being cautious because I don't want to be wasting my time and effort on someone who isn't as committed as I am to the relationship. At this point, my main concern whether or not he truly wants to be with me and isn't just with me because he hasn't found anything better and he feels like he is running out of time to have a family of his own so he'll settle for whatever he can get. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 He said he just put "preferred no children" when he first set up his profile so he wasn't getting matched with people who had multiple kids but he is okay with 1. I wasn't too concerned with that issue because he's met my child and does fine around her (it was a really brief/casual meeting and I just introduced him as a "friend" to my daughter). As far as exclusivity he says he would like this to be a serious relationship and views it as exclusive. I must take his word on this and trust that he truly means this and isn't just saying it because he knows it is what I want to hear. I like to think I'm smart on when I choose to trust someone, I'm just being cautious because I don't want to be wasting my time and effort on someone who isn't as committed as I am to the relationship. At this point, my main concern whether or not he truly wants to be with me and isn't just with me because he hasn't found anything better and he feels like he is running out of time to have a family of his own so he'll settle for whatever he can get. Obviously you have much more to discuss later....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kpr0411 Posted August 29, 2014 Author Share Posted August 29, 2014 Obviously you have much more to discuss later....... For sure. I guess I just have to wait and see what direction this goes in. I don't want to rush into things but at the same time I don't want to go too slow and find out I've wasted ___ amount of time on a relationship that was never meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Thank you to all who responded to this post. It was good to get a lot of opinions about my situation before bringing it up to him. I asked him about it earlier tonight and he said he once set up a profile on Match, didn't have much luck, and believed he took the profile down but I guess once you sign up on Match all your info is still on their servers (which I have heard other people complain about). He still gets emails from Match which can include special offers or other users expressing interest but he says he deletes them and suspects Match triggers the "Active" profile as a result of this (not sure if the "Active" is triggered when he opens the email or when he just checks the box next to the email to move it to the trash). I asked him if he could delete it or at least make it hidden since you could find his profile through a basic search. He seemed to be honest about it when he explained it to me but I will still be cautious about it moving forward (if he is messing around he may be more careful now and he has a background in acting/improv so maybe its easier for those kind of people to get out of situations on the spot??). In any case, hopefully it was just nothing and I'll check Match.com in a week or so and it'll be deleted or at least hidden. It's hard because I really have to take his word for it since I'm trusting him and I'm not going to hack into his email/phone to make sure his story checks out. I want to be someone he actually wants to be with, not someone he is simply okay with being in a relationship with because he hasn't found anything better. You should of took Gaeta's advice and messaged him. Then you wouldn't have been left still wondering. So basically your back where you started and his story sounds like BS. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 For sure. I guess I just have to wait and see what direction this goes in. I don't want to rush into things but at the same time I don't want to go too slow and find out I've wasted ___ amount of time on a relationship that was never meant to be. There are never any guarantees when it comes to relationships....anything is possible, anything can happen, doesn't matter how cautious one is. It's the chance we all take. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I'm familiar with Match. I met a woman on there that I became exclusive with a number of years ago. When we both agreed to become exclusive (after about 2 months), we went into each others account and I saw her delete all of her previous contacts, emails, favorites and remove all photos and written profile and then hide the account and she saw me do the same. The accounts still had an active subscription for another 2-3 months so we couldn't have them completely deleted. That is the only way I would agree to be exclusive if I meet someone else on there. To one of the other questions about being "online". Yes, they can show as "online" when you click on certain emails including winks and emails from other members. If you go on and off real quick (which is basically what clicking on the email does), then it will keep showing you online and then show "within 1 hr" at about 45 minutes after your off and then go to "within 24 hrs" after about 1-1/2 hrs after getting off. The person doesn't have to have gone into their account on the website and logged in to show "online". They should also go in and make sure "auto login" is turned off. If your boyfriend just deletes emails and does not open (click on) them, then he will not show online unless he goes and logs in. Meeting someone on Match or any other dating site can be difficult to deal with and I think doing what I did with my past ex works about as good as it can. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 When we both agreed to become exclusive (after about 2 months), we went into each others account and I saw her delete all of her previous contacts, emails, favorites and remove all photos and written profile and then hide the account and she saw me do the same. My then boyfriend and I did the same. She should have told him to delete his profile while she watched. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeandPerseverance Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 This one is very cut and dry. If you two are exclusive, and you found this..time to dump him. Right now. And not look back. You can and will do better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 So he put you to sleep with a story and you are left wondering, as I said. I had profiles on match.com and once they were deleted they did not pop up again, they were gone. Follow me with this: : When you get messages, winks, someone check your profile, that generates a notification in your email account. You can check these messages from your email account without logging directly in match.com. If you click their notification to read them it will show you as online on match.com. We got all that. My question is: What is the difference between checking his messages from his email account or from his match.com account? none in my eyes. He still is checking his messages and checking who's winking at him, and that several times a day as per OP. Also, you cannot make a difference between when he logs in his notification or when he logs in match.com. For all you know he goes directly into match.com and like the rest of us he knows match.com glitch with the email account and he's using it as an excuse to explain his presence on the site. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
irresolute Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I'm sorry but this sounds murky. He's actively looking, girl! Open your eyes! You are still an option and yes, he's looking for someone better. He's options are open and what he told you is bull. S.hit. Google his name, his nickname, do some research. I wouldn't take him seriously. He's a liar. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Okay - I think it's fair to ask the OP if, apart from this thing with his online profile, you ever had any other inkling that something might be up? AT three months of dating, it's pretty typical for intimacy to be growing, for you to be spending a lot of time together, for the two of you to be meeting eachother's friends and looking ahead to shared events. If you are exclusive, as you have discussed. So - is all that happening? Cause if it is, and you have no other reason to raise your suspicion or fears, then I would say give it some time and let things play out. It's very new, who knows where it will go, but given the thing with the email and Match showing people as online, it's not an open and shut case. (I will say however, that Gaeta I think it was, who pointed out an important thing: even if he is "only" opening emails from winking ladies, he's still checking them out. He's still curious. Is it a deal breaker? Dunno. But it's not to be ignored entirely. ) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Oh and women are just so innocent hah. They are the victims here! NOT Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Online or in real, no difference. Online you meet an industrial quantity of people in short time, so of course you meet a lot of jerks. If 50% of men are morons and you meet 200 men then 100 are jerks. If you meet 4 people in real then 2 will be jerks. It's the same darn thing !!! The proportion is the same. People with integrity in real life have integrity online. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Online or in real, no difference. Online you meet an industrial quantity of people in short time, so of course you meet a lot of jerks. If 50% of men are morons and you meet 200 men then 100 are jerks. If you meet 4 people in real then 2 will be jerks. It's the same darn thing !!! The proportion is the same. People with integrity in real life have integrity online. Wow the odds have dramatically leaped over the years! I remember the jerks but there must have been maybe 10%.....oh my have the times changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Wow the odds have dramatically leaped over the years! I remember the jerks but there must have been maybe 10%.....oh my have the times changed. It was just an example lol Put 20% there if you wish. Too high? ok 5% My point is because we meet an enormous amount of people online of course it will feel like we meet more jerks. Link to post Share on other sites
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