ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 (edited) That sounds like the opposite of disappearing. Because it is lol People are obviously entitled to their opinion, but I wouldnt see many people agreeing with this. I see a lot of "I will" and "maybe". I dont see a lot of action and a lot of doing. When a person breaks up with someone, a LARGE percentage of them dont just break up out of the blue. They think about it for a LONG time. They weigh pros and cons of everything before they do it. While most of us are blind-sighted to the decision, they are not. They have time to process the decision and are cool with it. On the same opposite token, MANY ex's are wishy washy as hell after a BU. They will throw out breadcrumbs for many reasons. Being lonely, making sure you are still around and dont hate them, keeping you at a close distance for a backup plan, etc. Either way, she is giving you LOADS of breadcrumbs....and you are gobbling them up like a hungry hurgry hippo. You are giving her absolutely no reason to think you are a threat to leave. None. At ALL. You are ALWAYS there. ALWAYS talking to her. ALWAYS. You are second option. She is lonely right now because she is so far away and she KNOWS you will be there. Given that, she has NO problem with doing whatever because you are always there like a puppy dog. I've read each one of your post. Creepy perhaps, but I wanted to get a good read of the situation. I agree with BC, if she REALLY wanted you, nothing is stopping her. She would make it known. She is NOT scared to lose you in the slightest. Think about it this way...shoe was on the other foot. The way you feel now, wouldnt you let her know EXACTLY how you feel and move mountains to do it? Answer is probably yes. I agree with everyone. You are the doormat right now. The guilt reliever. The lonely solver. You are a LOT of roles right now and none of them are good looks. Maybe you can be a MAN and stand up and let her realize what its like to lose you. Its not game playing or anything. Its actually healing from the breakup and being your own person. You are coddling HER needs. Everything is on HER time. Why dont you make it YOUR time now? She lost all that right when she dumped you. http://i1130.photobucket.com/albums/m536/dandy_monkey/gifs/benout.gif Edited September 7, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing 1
Author CalvinM Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 A month after we met, she told me she had fallen for me. Said that I was sweet and a really great guy. She asked if I was all in, but it all happened way too fast. I wanted to get to know her before cashing in my chips. I'm not against settling down, I'm not a commitment phobe either. But she backed off completely and while I didn't want to go all in, I was scared of losing the opportunity to get to know her. Long story short, I invited her to ago see a show and we both had an amazing time. I've known ever since.
BC1980 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 A month after we met, she told me she had fallen for me. Said that I was sweet and a really great guy. She asked if I was all in, but it all happened way too fast. I wanted to get to know her before cashing in my chips. I'm not against settling down, I'm not a commitment phobe either. But she backed off completely and while I didn't want to go all in, I was scared of losing the opportunity to get to know her. Long story short, I invited her to ago see a show and we both had an amazing time. I've known ever since. We all have memories, but people change. She changed for whatever reason and is no longer committed. Like Confused said, she is not scared that you will leave her. Not at all.
Author CalvinM Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 She messaged this morning, her decision hasn't changed. She cares, but not enough to give things another chance.
No Limit Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Earlier you wrote "relationship or nothing". This is nothing; friends with benefits regarding her ego-boost-supplies at best. Are you now liking the idea of NC, or do you intend to keep waiting for her to realize what she lost? 2
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 She messaged this morning, her decision hasn't changed. She cares, but not enough to give things another chance. I'm not shocked by this. I think most people here are not shocked. That sucks man, but now you know. Time to move forward and heal. Dont talk to her anymore and honestly let it fully go. She will throw out breadcrumbs galore to make sure you dont hate her, but its all selfish reasons. Dont respond.
BC1980 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 She messaged this morning, her decision hasn't changed. She cares, but not enough to give things another chance. So did you straight up ask her if she wanted to get back together?
MidwestUSA Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I know for certain she's not seeing other people, since she wants to continue with us sleeping together (and last mentioned that our sex was better than with her ex of two plus years). I've never understood people who have to voice this in a relationship. Tacky. It's one thing to make comparisons in your head, but..... Well, at least you know where you stand.
Author CalvinM Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 I asked her a few days ago. I don't hate her, but I have zero interest in being friends. I think she's being incredibly stubborn, but that's her decision and I have to live with it.
lolablue17 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 She messaged this morning, her decision hasn't changed. She cares, but not enough to give things another chance. Well, That terminates everything i guess. Block her, Don't answer her messages anymore. let her be in the dark asking herself why don't you answer. No phone calls, - total complete NC! Move on.
Author CalvinM Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 I'm not shocked by this. I think most people here are not shocked. That sucks man, but now you know. Time to move forward and heal. Dont talk to her anymore and honestly let it fully go. She will throw out breadcrumbs galore to make sure you dont hate her, but its all selfish reasons. Dont respond. I'm not shocked. Her words haven't matched her actions, but I shouldn't have to convince her that we're right for each other. She fixated on what was wrong with the relationship and even when I addressed the issues or found solutions, she wasn't happy. That's telling. 3
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I'm not shocked. Her words haven't matched her actions, but I shouldn't have to convince her that we're right for each other. She fixated on what was wrong with the relationship and even when I addressed the issues or found solutions, she wasn't happy. That's telling. Thats what sucks about it sadly. Its when they are done, they bring up 100 negative things totally omitting the 100 good things. They dont care about them. They care about being done. I did the same things when breaking up sadly. If she wasnt happy...understand its not you. Granted, there are some thing you could have done better, but youre not perfect. Realize the mistakes, learn from them, and find someone who deserves it. 1
NC-Thomas Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Her answer of not wanting to reconcile tells you exactly what everybody here has been telling you: 1. Using you to relieve guilt 2. Making her feel less lonely Now that you have your answer there is only 1 option left: go NC and heal. First and foremost go completely dark! Can't stress this enough. You will see more crumbs in the near future, I guarantee it. Don't give her the ego boost by responding to them The best of luck to you man!
BC1980 Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 I'm not shocked. Her words haven't matched her actions, but I shouldn't have to convince her that we're right for each other. She fixated on what was wrong with the relationship and even when I addressed the issues or found solutions, she wasn't happy. That's telling. Just like Confused said, when someone has decided it is over, they are done. Emotionally checked out. You could be perfect on paper, and they don't care anymore. You could have done one thing wrong, and the person will fixate on that. They will come up with silly, little reasons. When people feel that it isn't "right" anymore, there isn't a thing in the world you could do to fix it. Emotions drive decision so much of the time, and you just can't combat that with logic.
Author CalvinM Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 I deleted her number from my phone (rarely called her, so I don't even know it) and she doesn't use facebook, so that makes things easier. I'm relieved it's over too actually. I spent a lot of time and effort trying to make her happy, with very little to show for it. 4
BC1980 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 I deleted her number from my phone (rarely called her, so I don't even know it) and she doesn't use facebook, so that makes things easier. I'm relieved it's over too actually. I spent a lot of time and effort trying to make her happy, with very little to show for it. Did you tell her you were going NC?
Chi townD Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 I deleted her number from my phone (rarely called her, so I don't even know it) and she doesn't use facebook, so that makes things easier. I'm relieved it's over too actually. I spent a lot of time and effort trying to make her happy, with very little to show for it. Good first steps, dude. Now, keep on walking. Start making positive changes in your life.
Author CalvinM Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 Did you tell her you were going NC? No, she tried to explain and I just told her I didn't need an explanation and that I was done.
BC1980 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 No, she tried to explain and I just told her I didn't need an explanation and that I was done. Yeah, I wouldn't tell the person. Just saying you are done is the best bet. She'd be a fool not to understand what that meant, but I beg she'll try to reach out again in some way. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Yeah,Sneaking tellll the person. Just say you are done is the bwith est bet. She'd be a fool not to understand what that meant, but I beg she'll try to reach out again in some way. Yeah I agree with BC here. She WILL reach out again. She knows youre not pleased with it and will try to reach out. If anything, to make sure you dont hate her. She will text back quickly, call more, etc. This is where you have self restraint and DONT answer. She gave you the real answer. She will sound like she is changing her mind, but once she talks to you, right back to not caring. If she wants you back bad enough, she will make it know. REALLY known.
Author CalvinM Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 I don't have any ill feelings towards her. She's allowed to say what I'm offering isn't enough, but I made it clear we couldn't continue sleeping together, especially if it wasn't exclusive. I've made my feelings clear to her that I can't continue with fwb. She knows I want a relationship with her. She seems convinced of her decision, so I honestly don't think I'll hear from her again.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 I don't have any ill feelings towards her. She's allowed to say what I'm offering isn't enough, but I made it clear we couldn't continue sleeping together, especially if it wasn't exclusive. I've made my feelings clear to her that I can't continue with fwb. She knows I want a relationship with her. She seems convinced of her decision, so I honestly don't think I'll hear from her again. You will. I bet everything I own she will contact you again. You dont have to have ill feelings. Im just saying stop talking to her and let it go when she tries to talk to you, which she will.
Missy0724 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Or you could do what I did...after he reached out to me, throwing the "friends" card after ending the relationship. But it was BS as he did not act like a friend post break up. I figured out what that was all about... after a few breadcrumb phone calls and emails, "how are you"? So I used a little constructive anger on him, sent him one pretty firm and kind of mean (so sue me) email, to get it done and over with. To make sure he would not contact me again. I didn't care what he thought of me, because I was doing it with the full intent of cutting him out of my life for good. Made it pretty darn clear I did not consider him a friend, nor wanted him in my life as a friend, as he ended things and clearly did not want me in his life anymore. Told him to never contact me again, and I would not him. The whole thing was "dead" to me. DONE. It's called tough love people. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And maybe some day when the hurt and pain ends (and it will with NC) we can smile and remember the good times. Just not today. And that is OK.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Or you could do what I did...after he reached out to me, throwing the "friends" card after ending the relationship. But it was BS as he did not act like a friend post break up. I figured out what that was all about... after a few breadcrumb phone calls and emails, "how are you"? So I used a little constructive anger on him, sent him one pretty firm and kind of mean (so sue me) email, to get it done and over with. To make sure he would not contact me again. I didn't care what he thought of me, because I was doing it with the full intent of cutting him out of my life for good. Made it pretty darn clear I did not consider him a friend, nor wanted him in my life as a friend, as he ended things and clearly did not want me in his life anymore. Told him to never contact me again, and I would not him. The whole thing was "dead" to me. DONE. It's called tough love people. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And maybe some day when the hurt and pain ends (and it will with NC) we can smile and remember the good times. Just not today. And that is OK. Well, that is highly counterproductive and doesnt really serve a purpose other than going out of your way to look like you arent over it. Sending a full fledged hate e-mail wont really solve anything, especially in the OP's situation. Bowing out gracefully and being an adult is the way to go. I think the OP has a pretty good handle on the situation...at least now he does haha. 1
Missy0724 Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Yes, everyone has their own way. Mostly based on what they really want. Sounds like he wants her back? Hope that is not why he is going NC... I tried the nice approach with this person, offered my friendship back...and was treated with disrespect and cruelty. I have self respect, and if someone treats me like that, I'm not a doormat. Not any more any way...so spoke up. For ME, for my closure. As I said, I did it to ensure he would not contact me again. Most people reach out/breadcrumbs, or NC, as advised, but honestly do so with hope for reconciliation. For me, I needed to have a say, to this narcissistic, manipulative person, to get thru to him that NO friendship, no contact ever again. Job done and I'm proud that I spoke up to someone who thought he had me wrapped around his finger. Everyone's situation different, everyone handles things differently, and we all can share our experiences, to give OPs a full spectrum of all different ways to handle. There's no "right or wrong".
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