NC day 5, she reached out

[CalvinM]

See guys, that's how you give advice.

 

And she's completely right, but she wasn't a prick about it and I think that's what was missing from your pep talks.

 

I'm alright with letting go and I think maybe in a month she will realize she lost something because she was scared to take that leap.

[CalvinM]

If she wanted to be with you, she would be. This whole "Shes into me still, but its difficult" line is lying to yourself.

 

No one being salty. Everyone is telling you the same thing, but you're not wanting to listen. Again, do what you want but dont be shocked when it doesnt work. You were already being short with people when it comes to NC.... you dont want to listen, then why post here?

No, you didn't. You came at me like I was being an idiot for not following your advice. That's counter productive, especially when people are seeking out your advice specifically.

 

But I digress. If you've got a better way of doing things that fits this perspective, I'm all ears.

[W101]

I'm actually not a big fan of NC, I feel, like GIGS, it's a method and a meaning that gets flung around from pillar to post in these situations far too often as some kind of justification of pride and self respect, after a lot of break ups, no contact is a good method, but I feel it's all about whether or not it suits the person and what exactly the situation is, me personally, I'd hang around for a little while, at least until I felt there was nothing more I could say or do, but only if I felt that person was truly a woman I wanted to be with without any shadow of a doubt, but there's been one or two others I'd straight up never talk to again, it all depends on the situation, we shouldn't all think what applies to one is a must for the other, in your situation your probably doing it right, I just wonder how long till you hit your breaking point, surely it's not easy to hold back how your really feeling towards her or what your truly thinking of her behaviour, my advice, if you can honestly handle it, keep up the charade, if she's worth it, you'll do it, but the moment you feel yourself start to crack, I'd highly advise cutting her off, also, I'd advise you not to plan or plot anything out, you'll only be crushed if it doesn't go your way, do whatever you want to, so long as you feel you can live with yourself afterwards, good luck.

[CalvinM]

Why have you been on a breakup site for a year and a half?

Is it that deep down you know there are issues but your hanging on to hope it will get better, you can change, she will somehow come to the realization she wants you?

She broke up with you...she shouldn't have some one to come back to.

You shouldn't be there waiting. I think you might kind of know this but its REAL hard to let go.

But see..you didnt let go...she did. Now she needs to feel the void and impact of her decision.

Shes lonely? Reflective? Let her take her lonely Reflective time to see she lost the best guy because she was stupid. Let her FEEL how she messed up. The friendly chit chat has to stop.

I only started seeing this woman in early April.

 

Initially I joined after a three year relationship ended.

[CalvinM]

I see a lot of "he/she cheated on me", "we argue a lot" or "our parents/family don't get along" in these threads, but nothing seems even remotely similar to the way things are with my ex and I. I've never, nor would I have ever even thought about being unfaithful to her. I'd never hit her either.

 

We broke up mostly because of distance and my work schedule (overnights). I've now managed to get weekends off, she still wants to see me, is still affectionate (refers to be as sexy and handsome). I know for certain she's not seeing other people, since she wants to continue with us sleeping together (and last mentioned that our sex was better than with her ex of two plus years).

 

I've taken steps and will likely see her when she returns from her Europe trip in two weeks. Should I offer to meet her at the airport or lay low and wait for her to message me?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I see a lot of "he/she cheated on me", "we argue a lot" or "our parents/family don't get along" in these threads, but nothing seems even remotely similar to the way things are with my ex and I. I've never, nor would I have ever even thought about being unfaithful to her. I'd never hit her either.

 

We broke up mostly because of distance and my work schedule (overnights). I've now managed to get weekends off, she still wants to see me, is still affectionate (refers to be as sexy and handsome). I know for certain she's not seeing other people, since she wants to continue with us sleeping together (and last mentioned that our sex was better than with her ex of two plus years).

 

I've taken steps and will likely see her when she returns from her Europe trip in two weeks. Should I offer to meet her at the airport or lay low and wait for her to message me?

 

Successful reconciliations only happen when both parties remove themselves from a long period of time, understand the mistakes and situations happening, and almost become two different people. You guys broke up three weeks ago. Nothing has changed. You're getting a LOT of breadcumbs because both of you are co-dependent on other people. She knows you'll be there and vise versa.

 

You've only been with her a bit. You need to back off a little bit. I've seen your other thread. EVERYTIME something goes a little sour, you go extra hard into the the "dont shut me out" and "youre beautiful" and "I care about you" type stuff. That's pretty hard to deal with since you've really only been seeing her since April. She keeps going hot-cold and you always still seem to be there.

 

In one of your post, you mentioned how you thought NC was childish....the only way for her to miss you and let her sort out her stuff is to ACTUALLY let her sort out her stuff. When cooler heard prevail and ENOUGH time has passed, then MAYBE you guys can talk. I don't see that happening at all and I see you guys doing the same merry go round BS and getting no where.

 

You SHOULD let it ride and give it more time. You dont like my opinions, but I promise you I wont be the only one who says that.

[CalvinM]

That actually sounds legit.

 

Thanks for weighing in.

[Justsimplyliving]

I am sorry Calvin but you are in denial. I just went through the exact same thing, even at the end of our break up conversation she said I dont want to leave us on bad terms in case we ever end up together, this is just a way of saying if I dont find anything better we can start over again. Do you really want to be an option? I promise you she didnt miss you in 5 days, she texted you to see if youd still come back if thats what she wanted. Do what you would like but I promise you, youll be posting here in a month saying it wasnt the right move to keep talking to her. You have to be emotionally detached from your ex before you can be friends with them, wait till you see her kissing or talking to someone else and you will quickly realize that. Just trying to help you out, because I was just in your shoes.

[CalvinM]

I have zero interest in being her friend. It's either a relationship or nothing.

[BC1980]

I see a lot of "he/she cheated on me", "we argue a lot" or "our parents/family don't get along" in these threads, but nothing seems even remotely similar to the way things are with my ex and I. I've never, nor would I have ever even thought about being unfaithful to her. I'd never hit her either.

 

We broke up mostly because of distance and my work schedule (overnights). I've now managed to get weekends off, she still wants to see me, is still affectionate (refers to be as sexy and handsome). I know for certain she's not seeing other people, since she wants to continue with us sleeping together (and last mentioned that our sex was better than with her ex of two plus years).

 

I've taken steps and will likely see her when she returns from her Europe trip in two weeks. Should I offer to meet her at the airport or lay low and wait for her to message me?

 

I understand that you feel your situation might be a little different because most of us felt that way at one point too. It's understandable to feel that way because you do know her in a way that we don't. However, if I have learned anything, it's that people behave in eerily similar ways after breakups. It's almost cookie cutter, no matter how different the reasons for breaking up were. Because it all comes down to the fact that one person left another person because they weren't invested. You can go into a laundry list of reasons, but it doesn't matter. If one party left, they didn't love the other enough to invest the time to work on the issues.

 

It's just silly to say that you stand a chance because you didn't abuse or cheat on her. Come on, you know that's sounds ridiculous. The majority of breakups happen for reasons that aren't clearly defined. Most people just have a "feeling" that it isn't "right" anymore.

 

If you actually want any chance with her at all, you would have to completely disappear. You can't have any contact with her unless she tells you she wants you back. In your absence, only then can she decided if she misses you enough to continue. Answering her texts, like you are doing, is absolutely not the way to go because she never has to ask herself what she would do without you.

[Chi townD]

I have zero interest in being her friend. It's either a relationship or nothing.

 

 

 

Then stop the friendly chit chat! Because, as far as she's concerned; with this last interaction you had, she's under the impression that the two of you are under friendly terms!

[BC1980]

I have zero interest in being her friend. It's either a relationship or nothing.

 

She sees you as her friend right now, even if you don't. That's a fundamental problem with your method of LC to win her back. You are presently communicating that you have no problem being friends with her. I don't care what you have said in the past, she is going to see this friendly communication as "friends." Don't make the mistake of projecting how you feel onto her because it's a costly mistake that many of us have made.

 

Like I've said, if you are serious about trying to get her back, you need to drop off the face of the earth. It's the only way to force her to show her hand.

[CalvinM]

There's a lot of really good advice on here, I'm hoping to tap into it.

 

Thursday morning my ex messaged me in response to an email I had sent early last week. In it I referenced an invite to a cabin this fall with her friends, but since I haven't met all of them it "might be rough initiation :)", her words.

 

Instead she proposed that we "spend time together, maybe a weekend trip like you said, and then move up to another level with the friends involved". Is this breadcrumbs, or her reaching out to reconcile? She has also stated she's very lonely and revisiting her decision to end things.

 

I said "I agree. Perhaps we should start fresh and take things slowly, getting to know each other and take things a day at a time." She replied with "agreed, I promise I'll think about it."

 

She's in Europe for another week. Her sister has just given birth, so her thoughts are all over the place and I've been doing my best to give her space, so she can enjoy her trip.

 

Tl;dr: ex is reevaluating her decision, proposed us taking a small trip together.

[BC1980]

There's a lot of really good advice on here, I'm hoping to tap into it.

 

Thursday morning my ex messaged me in response to an email I had sent early last week. In it I referenced an invite to a cabin this fall with her friends, but since I haven't met all of them it "might be rough initiation :)", her words.

 

Instead she proposed that we "spend time together, maybe a weekend trip like you said, and then move up to another level with the friends involved". Is this breadcrumbs, or her reaching out to reconcile? She has also stated she's very lonely and revisiting her decision to end things.

 

I said "I agree. Perhaps we should start fresh and take things slowly, getting to know each other and take things a day at a time." She replied with "agreed, I promise I'll think about it."

 

She's in Europe for another week. Her sister has just given birth, so her thoughts are all over the place and I've been doing my best to give her space, so she can enjoy her trip.

 

Tl;dr: ex is reevaluating her decision, proposed us taking a small trip together.

 

Your title asks if she is reaching out for a reconciliation. The answer is NO. She would tell you if she were even remotely serious. If she wanted to be with you, she would. She wouldn't be leisurely making her decision. Dude, she's not stupid. She knows you would gladly get back with her at the drop of a hat. She's keeping you on a leash for her back up.

 

I've read your other threads, and I know you are resistant to our advice. I get it. She did give you a heck of a breadcrumb, but it's still a breadcrumb. No woman who had an serious intentions of reconciliation would take her time to think. My best guess: she knows she doesn't want to be with you, but she is hedging her bets. She will string you along while she flip flops.

 

Trust me on this one. The way you are playing this is absolutely wrong if you want to get her back.

[CalvinM]

What's your advice? Disappear?

 

Wait for her to reach out?

Edited September 6, 2014 by CalvinM

[NC-Thomas]

ex is reevaluating her decision

 

Don't get me wrong, but if she really want to be with you, she would be knocking down your door and stalking you on social media.

 

There is no such think as "evaluating". I was on a leash for 1.5 months when my ex-gf "reevaluated" her decision.

 

In the end I realized that keeping her close made me look like an unattractive fool, a ******* doormat.

 

I learned the hard way, and I ignored some advice on LS. I thought my relationship was different. In the end its all universal, with some small twists here and there.

 

Your best chances to get her back is just be a ghost. Drop all communication. She will get worried and perhaps even desperate. Thats what you want...

 

Stop being a trashbag. Pick up your balls, walk and don't look back.

Edited September 6, 2014 by NC-Thomas

[CalvinM]

Has your ex reached out to reconcile?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Don't get me wrong, but if she really want to be with you, she would be knocking down your door and stalking you on social media.

 

There is no such think as "evaluating". I was on a leash for 1.5 months when my ex-gf "reevaluated" her decision.

 

In the end I realized that keeping her close made me look like an unattractive fool, a ******* doormat.

 

I learned the hard way, and I ignored some advice on LS. I thought my relationship was different. In the end its all universal, with some small twists here and there.

 

Your best chances to get her back is just be a ghost. Drop all communication. She will get worried and perhaps even desperate. Thats what you want...

 

Stop being a trashbag. Pick up your balls, walk and don't look back.

 

One of the BEST advice post given on this situation

[NC-Thomas]

Has your ex reached out to reconcile?

 

Vaguely. Lots of BS and breadcrumbs. More or less like yours. Fact is: anything else than a 100% honest commitment is doomed to fail.

 

She is just having a hard time being alone in Europe. That's were you come in: to make her feel less lonely and make her ease her guilt. Remember: this is about her, not you. Once she feels better and her guilt is relieved, she is on her merry way and you will never hear from her again. Your services as a doormat a.k.a. emotional support puppet are no longer required.

 

From the moment she dumped you, she lost all rights to communicate with you. Going on that weekend with friends will make you seem like a fool. If she really wants you back in her life she will have to do way better than casually think about her decision and well, invite you to some weekend with friends. If she would really want to reconcile, go to Starbucks and have a serious talk without distractions.

 

You have asked for advice, but I think your not ready to think straight and look at the situation from a higher perspective. You are still in denial. Unwilling to accept the situation for what it is right now.

 

Either way. Do what you have to do, even if that is considered a mistake on LS, you are at the wheel. Keep riding this road or take the exit.

Edited September 7, 2014 by NC-Thomas

[BC1980]

What's your advice? Disappear?

 

Wait for her to reach out?

 

Absolutely disappear. No texting, no social media, nothing. Never initiate contact with her. If she initiates contact, you only answer if she is clear that she wants to reconcile and will do any and everything to make this right again. This is the best chance you have because it will show her true colors. If she it truly scared of losing you, she will, at some point, be forced to reach out to reconcile. If she is okay with letting you go, she won't reach out. If she really wants you, nothing will stop her from getting to you.

[BC1980]

Don't get me wrong, but if she really want to be with you, she would be knocking down your door and stalking you on social media.

 

There is no such think as "evaluating". I was on a leash for 1.5 months when my ex-gf "reevaluated" her decision.

 

In the end I realized that keeping her close made me look like an unattractive fool, a ******* doormat.

 

I learned the hard way, and I ignored some advice on LS. I thought my relationship was different. In the end its all universal, with some small twists here and there.

 

Your best chances to get her back is just be a ghost. Drop all communication. She will get worried and perhaps even desperate. Thats what you want...

 

Stop being a trashbag. Pick up your balls, walk and don't look back.

 

Same thing for me. I was on a leash for 4 months, all the while my ex is dropping major bread crumbs. Trust me, I heard it all in those 4 months. He said he was reevaluating his decision, maybe in the future, he just wasn't quite sure at that point, he missed me, wasn't going to sell the engagement ring back just yet, hoped to be able to wear the wedding band I had bought him, and on and on it went.

 

Do you know what happened when I went NC? He messaged me saying that he understood my decision. He put up no fight whatsoever. He was willing to let me walk, and I've heard from him only once in the past 8 months when he mailed a box of some of my stuff to my house. I never responded to that of course, and I hope that is the last I hear from him. Even thought I screwed up in the beginning, at least I got my dignity back. It was so hard to go NC in the beginning, but it's so worth it in the end.

 

My story is a dime a dozen by the way.

[BC1980]

Vaguely. Lots of BS and breadcrumbs. More or less like yours. Fact is: anything else than a 100% honest commitment is doomed to fail.

 

That's the key. It's vague, and dumpers like to keep it that way. They don't want to be all in or all out. She is doing what is comfortable for her, so it's up to you to look out for yourself.

[CalvinM]

I completely understand, and I know she's hurting too. But it still doesn't make things easier.

 

Like any other relationship on here, we spoke almost every day and the realization that she compares our situation with her previous ex (who eventually decided he didn't love her enough to make the distance work), it's incredibly frustrating.

 

Despite acting like a couple in late August, she went off on me when I inquired as to whether we had reconciled. It angers me to be treated so carelessly, when her ex treated her the same way. She told me that despite acting like that, we're not a couple. Couples work through issues together and she solves hers on her own.

 

On the way to work tonight, I saw an elderly couple. It occurred to me that they'd probably been married a long time, worked through issues and were still together. A couple months after meeting her, I felt like we could've had that type of relationship. I saw myself growing old with her. Now I'm not sure why.

[lolablue17]

I think you're focusing too much with interpretations and analyzing her words.

 

You were wise enough to declare: "You don't want to be friends, It's either everything or nothing".

 

Now you assume that your communication with her should lead to reconciliation but you aren't sure she feels the same. You have a good talk with her so I have an advice for you:

Why don't you talk to her about it and ask her?!

 

Wait until she comes back, sit down with her and tell her that all this "hi, how are you doing" stuff can hold only if she wants to reconcile. If not than bye bye for good. She'll have to decide.

 

That's it, problem solved! :-)

[CalvinM]

That sounds like the opposite of disappearing.