lilactree Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 I'm not sure whether I messed up royally here or not but I will try to tell my story without dragging it out. My "bf" is really an ex bf. He dumped me after 3 1/2 years by cheating on me and leaving me for another woman. I was devastated and all the other horribleness that goes with that kind of situation. He keeps coming back to me every year though and then leaves me again, usually for another woman. Well I have built up a lot of mistrust towards him and anger but tried to be a better person and try to be happy. I was dating another man then sometime in February my ex contacts me again. We start seeing each other in June of this year. We have been more honest and calm. But ... here goes... He has never really shown me any affection in public. He is an alpha male so is always trying to be the center of attention and he does flirt openly when he's in front of me. That being said, we had been doing well. Seeing a lot of each other and he tells me constantly that he loves me. I have in the past gotten angry at him for always bringing up his previous gfs, the one he left me for and then he gets angry at me for getting angry. When I get angry, it's usually after drinking a lot and I'm too afraid to discuss these issues sober, so I let it fester and then I kind of let him have it. I don't scream and yell, but I have called him an a-hole. He told me that he can't take that anymore. Well this week, it happened again. We went to a lake full of people and swam. While there, he never touched me, never swam anywhere remotely close to me but swam to different areas and socialized with other people there. Then back to me and then off again to be on his own. It bothered me but I didn't say anything at the time. Later we continued drinking at a bar, then at his place. Then I told him that he had ignored me that day in front of one of his friends, and wouldn't let it go. His friend left and it was just us, I can't even remember all that I said cuz I was fairly drunk. When he said that he just can't commit to me, I left out the door. The next day I texted him saying that I couldn't face him and that I behaved badly again and that he doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that. He replied with No problem. Then a few hours later said that he is done and told me never to message him again. Should I leave him alone for a couple of weeks? He himself is a total alcoholic and I'm sure has made mistakes when drunk before. Or should I try to apologize further? I'm torn. We've been together off and on for 7 years and I obviously still love him as I have never wanted to be with any one else.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 Sounds like there's no right or wrong answer. Whatever you do is going to be the right choice. And by right choice, I mean the one that keeps this trainwreck of a relationship on the same track its always been on.
mightycpa Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 I'll tell you my story. I had a GF of almost 4 years. She loved me, and I really, really liked her. But I met another girl, started a relationship and broke up with my GF. Sound familiar so far? Anyway, every New Year's Day, my new GF would go to her family's celebration, and my ex-GF would come to my house for a rinkindle session. It never worked out, and I stayed with my GF. One New Year's, my ex-GF found her self-respect, and she didn't come over. She didn't tell me why or make a big scene. She just didn't show up. I was going to deliver the news that I was getting married, but I didn't get the chance. I didn't have to tell her, I guess. Anyway, that's one way your story can be told.
stillafool Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 Should I leave him alone for a couple of weeks? No, you should leave him alone forever. He doesn't love you!
irresolute Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 Don't you see he's not into you at all? you're not his dreamgirl and he treats you as a doormat. Because you let him. He told you he can't commit to you and you texted the day later saying you're sorry??? there's something really wrong here. AND, can't you swim and socialize with other people that you need him to be all the time with you? You sound desperate and clingy, the type of girl that always get mad at him becuase he doesn't behave like you think he should, and then apologizing for your behavior. I'd say, let him alone forever, and find someone else. But before, do some counseling and rebuild your self esteem
Author lilactree Posted August 29, 2014 Author Posted August 29, 2014 All very enlightening replies. Thank you. @Irresolute: I can swim and socialize but we went to the lake together as a couple, not with anyone else. He ignored me while other couples were paying attention to one another. That hurt me. It's easy to say that I'm desperate and clingy without knowing the whole story. I truly try not to be that way.
Zahara Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 (edited) Should I leave him alone for a couple of weeks? He himself is a total alcoholic and I'm sure has made mistakes when drunk before. Or should I try to apologize further? I'm torn. We've been together off and on for 7 years and I obviously still love him as I have never wanted to be with any one else. Sometimes I am baffled by people that stay in such horrible situations for years because they "love". This man has cheated on you time and time again, leaving you for other women. Do you actually think he cares/loves you? He doesn't. He comes back because you're a soft spot to land on. It's not because he wants to commit to you and love you. It's not because he wants a fulfilling relationship with you. A clear indicator is his ability to discard you the moment he meets someone else. There is no attachment. The only reason he comes back is because he knows you have made yourself to be an available option for him. OP, you've shriveled up into a ball of nothing. You've lost your self-respect and your self-esteem. You don't love him in the true sense. Really, after 7 years, and the many times he has cheated, and the many times he's dumped you and treated you like he's ashamed of you -- why aren't you feeling repulsed. Instead, you attach harder and stronger. Do not call him. Do not apologize. Stay away from him. You do not want to look back one day on all these years wasted. Bite the bullet and walk away and purge the toxic attachment you have for him. Edited August 29, 2014 by Zahara 1
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