StillHurtin Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 This morning I was helping him make his lunch and he told me he had a dream about the OW last night. He said it wasn't a good dream. He said that him and I were 2gether and she showed up. He said when he has dreams about her him and I are 2gether and she is there also. He didn't say it was anything sexual, just that she is there. He says he is tired of having the dreams and just wants to get her out of his head but he can't when he keeps having dreams. Maybe I was wrong but I told him he was probably dreaming about her b/c he still has feelings for her. He told me that wasn't true. Should he have kept this little info to himself or is he just being honest about it and dealing w/ it by telling me?
tiki Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 I've had one *nightmarish* dream about my ex MM, and it hasn't been that long ago. I told my husband about it, he took it really well. I dumped my MM to be with my H, so there's no way I still have feelings for him. Hopefully your husband's was just an isolated incidence, or maybe you guys have been talking about the A lately?
Pocky Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 I talked to my husband for a long time about the OM after the affair had ended. I had so much crap in my head that I needed to sort out and I needed someone I could talk to. While I'm sure it was hard for him to listen to me, I think he understood that it was a part of the process if we were going to get passed it. I didn't have any malicious intent, I didn't still care for the OM and I wasn't trying to use it as a way to manipulate anything. I just had a head full of **** I couldn't understand and I wanted to be honest with my husband and I needed him to help me get through it. I know you get so irritated that he mentions things about the OW. I know that you want it to just be forgotten so you don't have to deal with it. However, if by chance your husband is experiencing what I experienced, he needs to have an outlet for processing things he doesn't understand. The affair isn't every going to disappear. Keeping silent about it and not ever discussing anything that pertains to it isn't going to erase the past. You want to keep an open channel with your husband so he feels he can come to you and share these thoughts with you. If he feels it's too difficult to talk to you, you may lose the open communication that you really need to have in your marriage. And I still have dreams with my OM in it and I don't have feelings for him anymore.
bluechocolate Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Maybe I was wrong but I told him he was probably dreaming about her b/c he still has feelings for her. Wrong for telling him that? Or wrong for thinking that that may be the case? I would go for the latter, ie. because he's dreaming about her it doesn't stand to reason that he still cares for her. Should he have kept this little info to himself ... I think so. What did he possibly hope to gain by telling you this? Surely you've been going over the affair again & again already? ...or is he just being honest about it and dealing w/ it by telling me? Sometimes I think my partner is the biggest idiot in the world, sometimes I think my friend JDoe is the biggest mooch in the world, sometimes I think my piano teacher is a tyrant & a bully........ I am never "honest" with them about these feelings & seem to be able to deal with it & still maintain these relationships. I think he should be confiding in someone else with this kinda stuff.
Author StillHurtin Posted March 2, 2005 Author Posted March 2, 2005 Thanks Tiki, I am glad that your H took it well. H and I haven't talked about it for awhile now but he says that I keep bringing it up by coming here and I am not letting it go by posting about it. H is the one who always says he doesn't want to talk about it and gets annoyed when I do bring it up. He is even annoyed that I am posting about it here b/c I keep bringing it up. He brings up the OW and it's ok, but if I need to discuss something that is on my mind about their A he tells me he wishes I would stop bringing it up. He doesn't want to ever talk about the A, like it never happened, so I try not to talk about it to him. He can't expect it to go away, it wont. I guess I wont bring it up unless he does.
tiki Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin I am not letting it go by posting about it. Do you feel a need to post about it? I mean, really? How often have you seen me post about my exMM? Once a never? Have you considered staying away from the OW/OM section, and just have fun with the rest? Are you dwelling on it?
Owl Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 About a month ago, my wife had a dream about her OM in a roundabout way. She dreamt that she was staying with her sister, and that she felt that she couldn't come home to me. In her dream, she was pregnant, and just "knew" it wasn't mine, so it had to be OM's. He was never in the dream himself (remember too that she'd had an online affair, and had only had one pic of him...so I'm not surprised by that). Realize that they'd never met in life at all. When she woke up, she felt horrible, and immediately told me about it. I thought it over for a few, and I know she was scared to death I was going to make some huge deal out of it. Then I looked her in the eye and told her I can understand WHY she would have a dream like that. OM has been the only other person that she's had strong emotions for in the last two decades. And of course she equates having a baby with love. So, if it "wasn't mine"...ergo, it had to be his. I'm not sure WHY she had the dream, and she couldn't figure it out either. But....it was just a dream. I know she's happy here, and that things are going well between us. She was so relieved that I didn't get upset and explode about the whole thing she started crying. I'm of the opinion that I'm glad she told me, instead of hiding it from me. That's how she felt too. It was the HIDING of feelings and things that got us into the bad situation in the first place! My thoughts are that he's trying to be honest with you, Still. He doesn't want to hide things when they happen, and he wants to see that you can work together with him to deal with stuff when it comes up. Myself, I'd take it as a GOOD thing that he's telling you, and being honest with you. As far as why he (or my wife) has these dreams???.....My guess is that what they've gone through was damn traumatic to them too...not just us. And these dreams are likely remnants of that trauma trying to work itself out. Like it or not, the affair is part of their histories now, just like it's part of ours. All we can do is help them deal with it, learn from it, and work together to avoid any of us getting back into that boat again.
StrawberryGirl Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 This is wierd...about a week ago i too had a dream about MM (my dream was sexual) ...I told my best friend that I couldn't stand having a dream about MM because it made old feelings come back because the dream was so real and how could i move on if my mind has dreams of him, i was so mad but I really didn't know who to be mad @ exactly..The dream fairy?!?!?!? I really don't think your H had the dreams necessarily because he cares about her or wants to be with her...But I do believe he dreamt about her because she is part of a big stress in his life, I'm sure his mind is running a mile a minute just like mine...so really I think it has to do with stress about the whole situation...
Author StillHurtin Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Do you feel a need to post about it? I mean, really? How often have you seen me post about my exMM? Once a never? Have you considered staying away from the OW/OM section, and just have fun with the rest? Are you dwelling on it? No, I don't feel a need to post about it, I want to know how others that have been betrayed deal w/ it, if their S has had dreams about the OM/OW. As for you posting about your XMM, that is your choice if you don't want to post about him. I know H wouldn't come here and post about the OW. You were the one who betrayed your H. You don't know what it is like to have your H cheat on you. I know that any pain the OW/OM goes through when their A ends is nothing compared to the pain that the betrayed spouse has, that is if the spouse is still in love w/ the spouse, happy, and never thought they would cheat ect. I know what it's like to be the OW and yes, it caused me a lot of pain, a lot of hurt feelings, and I cried a lot. But, that feeling was not as strong as when I found out my H was having an A. I would choose the feeling I had when I was the OW any day over the pain I went through when my H had an A. For some OW I feel badly for all the pain they are going through, but yet I don't b/c if they knew they were married then they should of never started anything w/ them. You can still be attracted to someone and not take it any further than that. I was attracted to a man several years ago but he was married. Once I found that out, I had nothing to do w/ him. Have I considered staying away from the OW/OM section? No, I haven't. And no, I am not dwelling on it but when H just tells me out of nowhere that he had a dream about the OW just brings me right back to the damn A again.
StrawberryGirl Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Stillhurtin~ I believe your concern is very valid, I would question my H's dream too, if I was the betrayed wife, but really we can't control our dreams, so I really wouldn't dwell on the dream to the point that you think he is still having feelings. Like I stated above I believe it is stress related.
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