myhearthurtsbadly Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Right now my ex-gf is on holiday in Portugal with lots of her friends. I'm stuck in my room playing online poker on a saturday and cannot stop thinking about what she's up to, who's hitting on her in clubs - she's a stunning girl. I'm not quite sure how i'm going to get through these 10 days whilst she's away and i'm hoping for some advice on how I can stop imagining things in my head. It hurts, it really really hurts.
Always Pondering Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Start spending more time with your friends yourself and it'll become much easier for you to think of her less. She'll be moving on whether or not she's in town so you should do the same! Go out with your friends. Hit up the club, play poker at someone's house, anything to spend time outside of your house and with others.
alexakylee Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 I'm going through a breakup right now and so I totally know how you feel. My ex isn't the best looking dude in the world but for some reason he lands chicks like crazy. It's hard to think about him flirting with other girls because I'm still in love with him. Nothing hurts more than that. It hurts like hell, but the hurt is something you have to live through because it will get better! As hard as it is you have to FORCE yourself to go out with friends and hit on other girls and have a good time. Fake it until you make it. The worst thing you can do is sit at home and imagine those scenarios. Because they most likely aren't even real.
OwMyEyeball Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Unless you're physically confined to your room (i.e. you're in a jail cell) then the best advice I can give is the age-old "get out there". Get out of your room. Get away from glowing screens. Go for walks. Go see friends. Go do things. Maybe a round of golf at the pitch n' put. Since you're likely feeling depressed from your current situation you probably don't feel much motivation in getting out of the house, but sitting around is only going to make your situation worse. You're not going to think your way out of this one.
music_and_poetry Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Go to an amusement park. Ride every thrill there. It was the first day he was completely absent from my mind. So worth it!
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 She's in Vale Do Lobo where we went on holiday together in June. Also I agree with what posters have written on your thread - if feelings just disappeared they either weren't there in the first place or there is some serious mental instability going on.
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted August 28, 2014 Author Posted August 28, 2014 Hi All, I posted recently about my current break up and my ex being in Portugal. She got back on Monday and I stupidly contacted her under the pretenses of getting my stuff back. To cut a long story short she told me she is in love with someone else, a guy i was always a bit wary of as he would contact her when we argued. She slept with him in Portugal and before barely 6 weeks after the break up. I am absolutely destroyed and feel humiliated, embarrassed and replaced. I said some things to her last night that I will forever regret. I apologised today and then deleted her number from my recent contacts. Not that she will care anyway. I know much of the advice I get will be the same as on other threads but i could really use some of that directed at me. I feel like this guy now has everything I want and in a way I still see as mine. She's stunning and that makes it all the worse. I'm not sure how to deal with the jealousy aspect. I woke up this morning to that horrible dread feeling that i've had for the past two months. God I hope this is temporary.
Natsu21 Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 Hi All, I posted recently about my current break up and my ex being in Portugal. She got back on Monday and I stupidly contacted her under the pretenses of getting my stuff back. To cut a long story short she told me she is in love with someone else, a guy i was always a bit wary of as he would contact her when we argued. She slept with him in Portugal and before barely 6 weeks after the break up. I am absolutely destroyed and feel humiliated, embarrassed and replaced. I said some things to her last night that I will forever regret. I apologised today and then deleted her number from my recent contacts. Not that she will care anyway. I know much of the advice I get will be the same as on other threads but i could really use some of that directed at me. I feel like this guy now has everything I want and in a way I still see as mine. She's stunning and that makes it all the worse. I'm not sure how to deal with the jealousy aspect. I woke up this morning to that horrible dread feeling that i've had for the past two months. God I hope this is temporary. Sorry kid, but she had cheated on you waaaaaaaaaaaaaay before you knew about it. This pain is only temporary, but will become permanent if you don't exit from this girl's life. Screw the jealousy, that's this guy's problem now, not yours. 1
Magnet Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 Dude reading this makes me go yuck on your behalf!! She did you a favour by revealing her true colours. Put your terminator coat on and never look back. Do yourself the favours and be kind to yourself. Don't look back. Your suffering will stop when you admit- she isn't mine. She is nobody's. She is stunning maybe but so what? A lot of people and things are! What's not stunning is the way she makes you feel. Morning dread, I'm right there with you, for me mornings suck big time at the moment! You're not alone! 1
Chi townD Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 Totally agree with Natsu. This wasn't her first rodeo with this guy. This is the first time you found out about it. And don't feel bad for whatever you said to her. Because, you don't go from being in a loving and caring relationship with one dude and then feel comfortable enough to jump into bed with some other dude a month later without something being there to begin with. So, if you called her a whore or a slut.....well, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck..... 3
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted August 28, 2014 Author Posted August 28, 2014 She didn't physically cheat on me of that i'm sure but it's clear that emotionally she had checked out a while ago and let this guy come into the picture. I just feel like I wasn't good enough. I'm so hurt by it all and jealous that he now gets her love. When we were good we were great but i must admit that i knew from March it was going down hill and I certainly did not put enough love and care into the relationship. It's clear I pushed her away to some extent. It's just horrible knowing the girl who was with you now thinks completley differently and is enjoying the new feeling with someone else whilst i am still so hung up on her.
doeblin Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 (edited) Initiate NO CONTACT immediately! Block her, unfriend her, never answer her. Don't look back! Now you have to work on your self-esteem. Change your habits, go out with friends, approach every attractive girl you see, just for fun. But most of it is in your head. You must purge every backward glancing, worrying, irrational negative thought there is in your mind. Your brain is malleable. If you start thinking positive, if you change your mindset, your neurons will change with it. It takes effort, surely. But if you wanna get out of this misery, you must do it! You will be stronger and happier. Maybe listen to some Les Brown to develop a positive mantra in your head: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWUftpAMy0Y Neuroplasticity: Edited August 28, 2014 by doeblin
Chi townD Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 She didn't physically cheat on me of that i'm sure but it's clear that emotionally she had checked out a while ago and let this guy come into the picture. I just feel like I wasn't good enough. I'm so hurt by it all and jealous that he now gets her love. When we were good we were great but i must admit that i knew from March it was going down hill and I certainly did not put enough love and care into the relationship. It's clear I pushed her away to some extent. It's just horrible knowing the girl who was with you now thinks completley differently and is enjoying the new feeling with someone else whilst i am still so hung up on her. Hey, cheating is cheating no matter what kind of spin you try to put on it. At the end of the day, it still hurts just as bad.
mightycpa Posted August 28, 2014 Posted August 28, 2014 I agree with what posters have written on your thread - if feelings just disappeared they either weren't there in the first place or there is some serious mental instability going on. I know it makes you feel better to think this, but don't. It is not true. Sometimes, that just happens, for pretty much the same reason that somebody all of a sudden fell in love with you. And that reason is : WHO KNOWS? You don't need to invalidate your past to make sense of your present. If love always lasted forever, the world would be a different place. You might not have even met her if that was the case. You might not even exist if that was the case. So count your lucky stars you were with a stunner for a while. Go get yourself another one and enjoy. I know it isn't easy when you're left behind, but life goes on for both of you. One day, you'll be at home with your beautiful wife and kids, and she'll be in some smoky casino, hoping some old coot would just give her a look. You'll remember her fondly, she'll remember you regretfully. But that takes time, so don't mess it up by thinking she wasn't worth your time.
Natsu21 Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 She didn't physically cheat on me of that i'm sure but it's clear that emotionally she had checked out a while ago and let this guy come into the picture. I just feel like I wasn't good enough. I'm so hurt by it all and jealous that he now gets her love. When we were good we were great but i must admit that i knew from March it was going down hill and I certainly did not put enough love and care into the relationship. It's clear I pushed her away to some extent. It's just horrible knowing the girl who was with you now thinks completley differently and is enjoying the new feeling with someone else whilst i am still so hung up on her. If you truly think she didn't get physical way before she dumped you, then I got a bridge in Brooklyn I could sell you. Cheating is cheating.
doeblin Posted August 29, 2014 Posted August 29, 2014 If you truly think she didn't get physical way before she dumped you, then I got a bridge in Brooklyn I could sell you. Cheating is cheating. It doesn't matter either way. They broke up. She moved on. Now HE has to move on, and GO FORWARD.
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted August 29, 2014 Author Posted August 29, 2014 It doesn't matter anymore but i'm sure she didn't. Either way, doesn't stop that horrible feeling when you wake up as i'm experiencing now knowing that he's probably going over to her family home this evening like i use to do. This is so wrong.
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted August 31, 2014 Author Posted August 31, 2014 Small update: Feeling pretty terrible today. Have been out the past two nights and the alcohol only makes it worse. I feel like i am really losing control and am getting to the point where the pain is becoming unbearable even though I have friends, a good job and i'm a very good looking young lad, I cannot see any light at the moment. I believe i have fallen into quite a serious depression and am going to investigate professional help this week. The feeling of losing it is very scary.
Survivor12 Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 Small update: Feeling pretty terrible today. Have been out the past two nights and the alcohol only makes it worse. I feel like i am really losing control and am getting to the point where the pain is becoming unbearable even though I have friends, a good job and i'm a very good looking young lad, I cannot see any light at the moment. I believe i have fallen into quite a serious depression and am going to investigate professional help this week. The feeling of losing it is very scary. Good to hear that you are considering getting help. Please keep this in mind--there are two kinds of depression: situational & clinical. (The "situation" with your exgf gave you reason to feel sad, hopeless & depressed.) Unfortunately, the ways that you were responding to being depressed (isolation, alcohol) can actually cause a chemical change resulting in clinical depression. This is why it is often recommended after a breakup or other traumatic event to focus on excercise, eating well, socializing and doing things to make yourself feel good--those things stimulate the "feel-good" chemicals in your brain that can prevent clinical depression. I urge you to make an active effort to improve your mood--and overall health--beginning today. If you don't feel up to exercise, take a walk. Watch a movie that makes you laugh. Plan healthy meals. Call an old friend & find out what's going on in their life. Abstain from alcohol. Go to bed early. Plan a project or indulge in a hobby. I'm sure others can offer other helpful suggestions, but the point is that taking care of yourself--physically & mentally--is very important right now. I am not saying that you should "suck it up" and ignore that you are hurting. Let yourself cry. It's good for you. But keep it in perspective. Don't allow your self to dwell on the "what ifs" and focus on how you are feeling rather than on thoughts of your ex. Think of it this way--if a tragedy were about to happen today & you had the power to prevent it, you would do whatever was necessary to do what you could, right? Grieving over your ex wouldn't stop you from saving a life or preventing someone from being injured. Well, this is no different...you will be saving yourself. Look, I suffered from clinical depression for years. You don't want to know what it's like. Suffice it to say that how you're feeling now is the tip of the iceberg--and full-blown depression is like living under it. You still have the choice & the power to keep yourself from sinking--so start swimming! Good luck. 2
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted August 31, 2014 Author Posted August 31, 2014 Good to hear that you are considering getting help. Please keep this in mind--there are two kinds of depression: situational & clinical. (The "situation" with your exgf gave you reason to feel sad, hopeless & depressed.) Unfortunately, the ways that you were responding to being depressed (isolation, alcohol) can actually cause a chemical change resulting in clinical depression. This is why it is often recommended after a breakup or other traumatic event to focus on excercise, eating well, socializing and doing things to make yourself feel good--those things stimulate the "feel-good" chemicals in your brain that can prevent clinical depression. I urge you to make an active effort to improve your mood--and overall health--beginning today. If you don't feel up to exercise, take a walk. Watch a movie that makes you laugh. Plan healthy meals. Call an old friend & find out what's going on in their life. Abstain from alcohol. Go to bed early. Plan a project or indulge in a hobby. I'm sure others can offer other helpful suggestions, but the point is that taking care of yourself--physically & mentally--is very important right now. I am not saying that you should "suck it up" and ignore that you are hurting. Let yourself cry. It's good for you. But keep it in perspective. Don't allow your self to dwell on the "what ifs" and focus on how you are feeling rather than on thoughts of your ex. Think of it this way--if a tragedy were about to happen today & you had the power to prevent it, you would do whatever was necessary to do what you could, right? Grieving over your ex wouldn't stop you from saving a life or preventing someone from being injured. Well, this is no different...you will be saving yourself. Look, I suffered from clinical depression for years. You don't want to know what it's like. Suffice it to say that how you're feeling now is the tip of the iceberg--and full-blown depression is like living under it. You still have the choice & the power to keep yourself from sinking--so start swimming! Good luck. Thank you very much for taking the time to write out such a considered response. You have no idea how much it is appreciated. 1
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted August 31, 2014 Author Posted August 31, 2014 Sorry for writing another post so soon after but i'm feeling in complete on utter despair tomorrow. I'm starting a new job tomorrow and have moved to a new flat over the weekend. I don't feel emotionally up to the pressure i'm under at the moment and i'm very close to cracking. I really don't know how much more of this pain I can endure. This is not a good place at all. Is there something wrong with me to be this cut up?
doeblin Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Sorry for writing another post so soon after but i'm feeling in complete on utter despair tomorrow. [..] This is not a good place at all. Is there something wrong with me to be this cut up? Few weeks after the breakup it's completely normal to feel like cr*p. Starting a new job can be stressful too. But what I'm interested in is... have you took any of the advice that was given on Loveshack? Did you go completely No Contact? Did you start exercising? Eating healthy? Picking up new habits? Revisiting old hobbies? Spending quality time with friends? The way you feel is very much influenced by the distorted thought patterns in your mind. Negative thoughts breed negative emotions. This is a psychological fact. Check out Feeling good by David Burns. You have to make the EFFORT. But if all this doesn't help, you might want to find a good therapist. Keep us updated! What is CBT | Beck Institute
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted September 1, 2014 Author Posted September 1, 2014 Unfortunately it's been two months since the break up but i only found out about this other guy last week. I have tried very hard to keep busy but moving to a new place and the new job today combined with everything else that is going on has put my mind in a place where it is trying to destroy me. I nearly started crying at in a one to one meeting today when my manager asked how it was going. Really struggling to keep it together at times and i believe i have bouts of true depression where logically I know i will get better but right there in that moment i feel like i cannot go on.
doeblin Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 I have tried very hard to keep busy but moving to a new place and the new job today combined with everything else that is going on has put my mind in a place where it is trying to destroy me. This agony can feel overwhelming, but with some effort you CAN control the way you think about your life. There IS a way out! If you start changing the way you think, you will feel more composed. The Burns book has some techniques you can do. Also don't give up on changing your habits. Keep grinding! The result will come. I know you feel terrible. Could you possibly share with us how you think about your situation? Why do you think you feel this bad? If you have suicidal thoughts, you really should call the local hotline and seek out a therapist.
Recommended Posts