Should I tell my fiancee about this part of my past?

[Icebreaker90]

Though I don't think about it frequently (well I still think about it from time to time), once in a while it can even show up in my dreams. It has the same result. I can't do nothing.

 

Way back when I was in HS, I've been dating my then gf (and first love at the time) for nearly 3 years. We were then towards our Senior year when she suddenly broke up with me for no reason. It was unexpected and all I can think about is why. For the longest, she seemed kind of depressed in class but I didn't know what was the reason since she didn't want to tell me. She had changed completely and suddenly ignored me after the break up.

 

Fastfoward to 5 months later: she finally tells me the reason why she broke up is because she was pregnant with my child. Then she added what really shocked me and I would never forget: ''Don't worry, had it done already, was for the best for us''. I wasn't understanding at first and kept asking Did what, what you mean the best for us, why didn't you told me you were pregnant, what happened. She had secretly aborted our child. I remembered once, we had a conversation about what if she got pregnant and wasn't ready and I asked ''Then you would tell me and let me raise the baby with my parents, you wouldn't abort my child right''? and she agreed. Little did I know she would do it behind my back.

 

I obviously wanted nothing to do with her (not even as a friend) when she told me all that. I couldn't see her the same anymore. She was no longer the girl I loved. How can I love someone that not only hid an important matter to me but lied and didn't consider how I felt about it. Hard to think that today, he/she would have been 6/7 years old.

 

Now I'm with my fiancee and haven't told her this. I never shared this with anyone and ended up hiding my feelings as sadness and anger. Though I was 17 then (now I'm 24), I still felt as if part of my life was taken away. This is my only thing in my past I never shared with her.

[preraph]

It's her body and her call. In the end you can resent it and not believe it was right, but it's not your body and let's face it, she's the one whose life it would have completely thrown off the rails to raise a child, not yours. Are there better means of birth control? Yes, so why weren't you using them? No one should be forced to have childbirth if they don't want to.

 

As far as telling your fiance, I would ask her what she'd do if she accidentally got pregnant. Make sure you're on the same page and make sure you are using birth control until you BOTH want to have children. It wouldn't hurt to tell her about it and before marriage you should agree on how many children and when and all that. You should have a discussion what if she was pregnant, you both wanted the child, but it was deformed and would require 24/7 care the rest of its life -- would you both sanction abortion then or would you both be willing to give up life as you know it and devote all your energies to a really messed up suffering child? If she got raped, would you sanction abortion then? Would she?

 

You need to make sure that you both understand the sacrifices having children requires and it's way more on the mother. Don't ever have a kid with some girl who thinks it's going to be all fun and playing house. It's grueling but rewarding for most.

 

You need to be able to agree on at least that and religion (where the kids are concerned) before marrying. And if you're smart, you'll agree on a plan up front for how you're going to pay for everything as well.

Edited August 28, 2014 by preraph

[d0nnivain]

While it was a sad chapter in your life, you had no control over your HS GF's decision. Even if you wanted the baby you could not have forced her to keep it.

 

As you prepare to marry hopefully you will be having discussions with your future wife about your mutual decision to have kids, or not. This experience undoubtedly colors your views on the subject. You can & should discuss your feelings with her & talk about how it has changed you.

[compulsivedancer]

You should tell her. You may find that she is very supportive and can help you with feelings you've never worked through.

[Icebreaker90]

Thank you for the replies.

 

preraph,

I understand it was her body, her call and there was nothing I could have done either way but what was mean was hiding the pregnancy and not at least being informed about it. It did hurt me at the time that she didn't trust me enough to tell me something very important. If by then, there was nothing I would tell her to convince her not to abort my baby; at least I would have known what was going to happen and have time to mourn and process this but instead I end up being depressed for the next 2 years and feeling an emptyness within me.

 

Regarding protection, yes sometimes we did it with condoms and other times it was her on pills. Somehow, something apparently went wrong and she still got pregnant.

 

My fiancee and I are both on the same page of wanting kids. I really always hated abortions to be honest. The only time I guess, I could see myself slightly supporting that procedure is if a woman had serious health complications and childbearing was a total risk to her life (ex: if I were to know she's going to die). However, those are extreme rare cases.

If the baby was going to be born deformed, it would be sad but I would support her decision whether it was keeping the child or having an abortion. If she got raped, then the rapist doesn't even deserve to even to a father and I'll raise the child as my own. Then again, this would only work out if she wants to keep the child as I would try my best to convince her to keep the child but if she didn't want to then I can't really do anything. Hopefully by the time I become a father again (yes, I say again because to me, I'll always remember I had a child but he was killed) and we'll have a healthy baby.

 

donnivain,

Yes it was one of my saddest moment for me. I don't think I'm ever going to forget about my dead unborn child and never knowing what she/he would have now looked like nor hearing them calling me dad for the first time. Both my fiancee and I are on the same page of wanting kids.

 

compulsivedancer,

Thank you. Will be sharing this with her.

Edited August 29, 2014 by Icebreaker90