Too fast, too serious ...

[Someone33]

Hello everyone. I'm a 33 year old european who simply doesn't have a clue anymore about what's going on with women arround me.

 

Here's the story (it might be long, be read it anyway):

 

 

About a month ago a woman (31 years old) contacted me on a online dating site. We talked for a bit and decided to meet in person so she first gave me her mail and after a few mails, she gave me her number to contact her and decide about the date of the meeting.

 

We went for a drink, talked for about three hours and when I got home, she sent me text that she really like it and that we really didn't have any akward silence moments for the entire time. Which was true ... usually there are times (when you meet someone new) that the silence comes and you know you should say something, but the interaction just doesn't flow smoothly. This was quite the oposite. She also didn't mind me touching here here and there during conversation.

 

Three days later we went on another date. She proposed a picnic date and tell where she lives so that I can pick her up. We went to the nature, had picnic and we were sitting closer and closer together. Again had no problems with touching her and she touching me. Somewhere in the middle I went in for the kiss and since then kissing was on the menu.

 

The following week she said she had some obligations (family visit and going to the see for a few days with her sister and family). So we decided for a date next Monday when she comes back (she was very adamant that this isn't one of those "I'm busy" things, but she's really busy). She reschedule it on Sunday due to extending her vacation for another day and wouldn't make it back. She proposed Thursday and I said we could go for a swim to a swiiming pool/spa. She liked the idea but wasn't shure if she could take the entire afternoon off due to her work (she has project deadlines every week - she works from her home). On Wednesday she told me that she got her period and hinted that we could do something else this time. So we were deciding between cinema (decided no, due to the lack of any interesting movies), bowling and traying playing pool. On the day we went to a dinner and then we talked, kissed, cuddle for a few hours and got a few drinks.

At the start of this third date I gave her a birthday present (she had a birthday a few days before) - A Game of thrones book (as she was constantly asking me if Jon Snow survives ) and she really like it.

 

When we were discusing about who's got when time for our fourth date, she said I could visit her at her place on a Sunday evening and we could watch a movie. I came to her place, we talked, she made a quick snack, meet her cat who liked me and then we watched a movie. She rested her head on my chest from the start when we were lying in her bed. We were spooning and she didn't mind me (by backing off or anything) touching her body. I knew that no matter what, sex is not on the menu as she's on her period. Then I went home (she told me from the start that she'll send me home after the movie as she has to work - another deadline on Thursday).

 

I texted her on Monday a picture from a hill I was on then and she responded later that day by asking where it was taken and that she's working the entire day ... I called her in the evening (she said she like the fact that I actually do call and just text like most do) but didn't pick the phone. On Tuesday I sent her text by telling where the picture was taken and asked how is with her time later this week and told her which days I'm free. She responded that she's working all days until Thursday (project deadline) and that she shutt off most of the things that distract her work, that one of her friends has a birthday party on friday and that she's invited to a 40th birthday celebration on Saturday.

 

I responded by ok, how about Thursaday evening or Sunday? And I got back this text: I'm having a problem since Thursday (third date mentioned above) and I thoughtit was just stress but it isn't so it's fair to tell you openly: I'm not ready, it's too fast and too serious all this and it's choking me. The situations sucks and I don't know what to say to you except "all well".

 

I didn't went into panic mode, but I was shocked and I said to myself, right, this is it. Game over.

 

I responded to her (made some sort of counter offer): Too fast, too serious, but it was you asking me (on a third date) what my intentions are and that you put all the cards on the table. Take a time for yourself. I'm in no rush and the last thing is I would want to make you choke. But I don't want to loose you. If it's too fast for you, we'll slow it down to a speed you're comfortable with. In general, take a time for yourself, and contact me with the pace that is comfortable for you. You know where to find me, I'm not running away. But as I said ... I don't want to loose you from my life even though I know you only for a few weeks. Besides ... who's gonna tell you what happens to Jon Snow (internal joke). I hope to hear from you and seeing you in the near future. I'll miss you and your lips. Have a nice day.

 

 

Her response was ... well I don't know what to make it. I was shure I'll get a no response or "Sorry, this isn't gonna work, have a nice life" stuff.

 

She responded with: "Thanks Have a nice day."

 

 

I know that 99,9% this is probably game over because of one way or another. But this "Thanks :)" (and she rarely use smileys in her text) part makes me think ... Thanks for what? Thanks for willing to take thing slower? Thanks for giving me some breathing space ...? This isn't a response to say goodbye to someone you just don't fancy.

 

And if she wasn't shure about me, she would probably not invite me to her home two days before and cuddle with me. But as I said at the start ... I have no clue anymore.

 

I thought that the combination of having someone new in your life and change of your rutine, PMS, high work load ... made her panic in some way and needs me to back off a bit, give her space and take things at a slower pace.

 

So my plan is to leave her alone (no texts, no calls, no nothing) for a week or two. And if she doesn't make any contact during that time, I'll just call her in about two weeks to see if she answers and if she would be willing to go on a date (nothing serious, just some fun blowling or something).

[PegNosePete]

But this "Thanks :)" (and she rarely use smileys in her text) part makes me think ... Thanks for what?

Thanks for understanding that I am not ready for a relationship with you. Thanks for not throwing a mental fit or getting angry/upset. Thanks for the good times we've shared but it's not going to happen any more. Take your pick!

 

So my plan is to leave her alone (no texts, no calls, no nothing) for a week or two. And if she doesn't make any contact during that time, I'll just call her in about two weeks to see if she answers and if she would be willing to go on a date (nothing serious, just some fun blowling or something).

Good plan, but if she hasn't called in a week or two, don't bother calling her. If she doesn't call you then she's not interested.

[Someone33]

Well I called her after 8 days of leaving her alone. She called me back the next morning and we agreed to meet.

 

We went bowling tonight and had fun, but I knew it's not gonna end well the moment we met, smiled at each other but she refused the kiss.

 

At the end of the evening we talked about it. She knew we were here because I wanted some answers.

 

She told me (regarding that I'm willing to take it slow text I've sent it to her two weeks ago - check the first post for it's content) that that text I've sent her was one of the most beautiful texts she ever got. She said she was sure I will just sent her to hell in one way or another.

 

She said I'm a really great guy and she feels very bad because her head is not what she thought it is. She said she thought she was ready, but when she started dating me, she has seen that she still has things from the past to solve in her head and she needs to get over some things (I suspect her ex).

 

She was living with him for two years I think, but is single now for a year. That's what she told me. She said she knows what I'm looking for but she still has to solve some things and wouldn't be fair to me to lead me on. She said she knows I'm a great guy, but just can't get herself into really knowing me (probably she can't let me close to her, because of her unresolved issues).

 

She was very explicit, with touching me at the same time, in telling me that this isn't one of those it's not you, it's me things. She repeated a few times that this isn't that.

 

She also said that of course I can call her. "I answer my phone and if not, I always call you back."

 

She also said that she hopes I don't try the let's be friends thing, because she has too much male friends already. I told her, I turn arround and go when I hear let's be friends thing. She said "good :)".

 

She hugged me a few times, kissed me on my cheek a few times and either she fakes it really good, or she does care about me.

 

Now, I know that most of you will probably say it was just a cheap excuse, but I think she was very serious and honest. I suspect she still has some unresolved feeling for her ex and needs time to resolve those things in her head. She said she just needs to be alone at the moment and take some time for herself (probably to solve her issues).

 

 

I've sent her one (last) text later that evening where I told her that I still mean everything I've wrote her in that text I've sent her (mentioned before - read my first post) and if this is really bad timing as she said and not just a nice way of saying I'm just not into you, then try and knock on my door when you resolve your things. I do hope to see you again. Etc ...

 

 

Now I know this could all be a big BS. But if she wasn't really into me at all, I don't think she would bother to get together with me tonight. I do think that she likes me, but can't open herself to me because she still has feeling and issues unresolved in her head. I think she needs time alone to figure things for herself. Or it's a big BS and she'll just straight to someone else tomorrow. But as I said, I've seen different things before from women that didn't like me at all (I'm busy, no response, it's not you, it's me ...).

 

 

So my plan is this: I won't contact her at all (in any way, shape or form) for the next two or (more likely) three months. And if she won't contact me until then, I'll just call her to see how she's doing. And in the mean time, I plan on searching and dating on. If she likes me enough and really is just bad timing, then we might get together after some time when she solves her problems.

 

Sounds like a good plan? Or should I contact her here and there (every 2-3 weeks) for a quick chat as she did say that I sure can call her if I want.

 

I do want to give her space and time for herself to solve her problems, but I don't to give her so much space that she'll forget me or start thinking I'm not interested anymore. Probably best to leave her alone for a few months, right?

[preraph]

I'd leave it up to her to contact you for now. She doesn't want to hurt you but she has said she's just not up for this but also not for a friendship with a man. So give her 100 percent space. I know it sucks having no control, so that's why you don't keep hoping past a month's time. She's got a busy life and unresolved issues and no telling what else. It's not you. Don't be discouraged. Just let her go if that's what she really wants.

[travelbug1996]

She's still got feelings for the other guy. She's actually doing you a favor. Be thankful and move on. When she's ready, she'll come back to you.

[Someone33]

She's still got feelings for the other guy. She's actually doing you a favor. Be thankful and move on. When she's ready, she'll come back to you.

 

Thanks. That was my plan. I just hope that she does like me and that sometime in the future she comes back and doesn't just forget about me.

 

She was, after a long time, a person that I felt so easy to talk to from the first minute of the first date. That was her first text to me about 30 minutes after our first date also, that it was so easy to talk to me ... You know when you connect with someone and find it so easy to talk to them and be arround them.

 

She did say that she hopes that I'm not now going for a let's be friends thing, so I hope that this isn't that kind of blow off when they offer you some mercy "let's be friends" stuff and she endee does see me as a relationship material if and when she deals with her problems.

 

She did also said that I can of course call her and that she was responding and will be responding to the calls. But honestly as I'm not into (only) a friendship and she has things to solve before she's ready for a relationship, I don't see a point in us talking about things that happen in our lives. She knows (she told me that) I'm a good person and it's probably better to leave her alone to deal with stuff. If she contacts me in some way, I will ofcourse respond.

 

 

Sometimes life just sucks ... When you finally meet someone that you like from the outside and on the inside, and things do look good and are starting to develop and then you get a bomb like this. I just hope that she deals with problems in her head and comes back sometime in the not so distant future. I did tell her in my last text that she should knock on my door when she figures things out. But with my love luck ... I rather doubt it she will.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Someone33

[Someone33]

I'd leave it up to her to contact you for now. She doesn't want to hurt you but she has said she's just not up for this but also not for a friendship with a man. So give her 100 percent space. I know it sucks having no control, so that's why you don't keep hoping past a month's time. She's got a busy life and unresolved issues and no telling what else. It's not you. Don't be discouraged. Just let her go if that's what she really wants.

 

She didn't say to let her go. Well at least not directly. Or that I should find someone else, not wait for me ... stuff that you usually get thrown by.

 

She said that she thought she was ready, but when she met me, she found out that she still has unresolved problems and feelings from the past that she thought were resolved and that because of that she sees me next to her but can't give me the chance (probably let me in) to know me.

 

She said she wants and needs to be alone at the moment and take time for herself (probably to deal with everything that is still going on in her head).

 

She felt really bad because of all this.

 

 

So I just hope that she comes back to my door when she deals with her problems in a month, three, six ... and if I'm still "there" (and with the luck I have in love life I probably will be there ), I want to give her another chance.

 

Damn this timing stuff, exes, feelings and everything else.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It seems very simple to me. She doesn't fancy you but thinks you are a nice person and feels bad for hurting you. The spark is missing for her and it has nothing to do with her ex. Those are just excuses to make you feel better. I can tell you from womans prospective that when we meet someone we fancy, all thoughts of exes go out of the window. Sorry to be blunt.

 

I also feel that you are only hurting yourself more by holding onto false hope. Go NC and let this one go.

[fred123]

It seems very simple to me. She doesn't fancy you but thinks you are a nice person and feels bad for hurting you. The spark is missing for her and it has nothing to do with her ex. Those are just excuses to make you feel better. I can tell you from womans prospective that when we meet someone we fancy, all thoughts of exes go out of the window. Sorry to be blunt.

 

I also feel that you are only hurting yourself more by holding onto false hope. Go NC and let this one go.

 

your honesty is refreshing

[melodymatters]

It seems very simple to me. She doesn't fancy you but thinks you are a nice person and feels bad for hurting you. The spark is missing for her and it has nothing to do with her ex. Those are just excuses to make you feel better. I can tell you from womans prospective that when we meet someone we fancy, all thoughts of exes go out of the window. Sorry to be blunt.

 

I also feel that you are only hurting yourself more by holding onto false hope. Go NC and let this one go.

 

As another woman THIS ^ 100%.

[Someone33]

It seems very simple to me. She doesn't fancy you but thinks you are a nice person and feels bad for hurting you. The spark is missing for her and it has nothing to do with her ex. Those are just excuses to make you feel better. I can tell you from womans prospective that when we meet someone we fancy, all thoughts of exes go out of the window. Sorry to be blunt.

 

I also feel that you are only hurting yourself more by holding onto false hope. Go NC and let this one go.

 

I don't know much about women. But I do know from my own experience that when your head (or in that case it was my head) is not clear and you still have feelings for an ex, there's noone in the world that can get through me and have a really chance at that moment.

 

We did talk about it and I did tell her several times to tell it straight, and not some "being nice" bull**** (not in those words) and she repeated time and time again that it isn't "it's not you, it's me" kind of thing you usually get back.

 

The spark is/was there. I've been on dates that I got no positive feedback from a person due to her lack of spark. With this one she was very different, responsive ... Even this last time yestarday, she wasn't backing off when I touched her, was smilling at me, looking at me, even touching me when we had that talk at the end about where I/we are. It looked like she didn't want the evening to end when she could after a while just say "well, nice seeing you but I need to run now".

 

I do believe she was telling the truth. I do believe she cares about me. And I do think that dating me, cuddling with me, kissing me ... just triggered some things and emotions in her head that she thought were already dealh with but weren't. And because of those things she can't let anyone (or me that is) close until she deals with it.

 

I know what it's like to have your head all messed up and at that moment I couldn't give myself to anyone, no matter how great she would be. Been there, done that ... She was nice, liked me alot, but in the end I couldn't give myself to her at that time I just used her for a few months as a rebound (not my proudest moment).

 

 

 

 

 

I know that I'm naive and I'll probably get more burned than I already am. But if you burn all bridges, you can never know what would happen if ... If I would get the usualy cold shoulder/busy treatment like I did many times before, then I wouldn't bother. But I feel it's a little different this time.

 

So I do intend to stay in touch with her. Not too much as I will give her space and time to deal with her stuff. I just need to decide if give her a call about once a month is too much or not, but I do plan to ask her out again in a few months if I'm still available. I don't want to go completley off grid because I don't want her to think I moved over and I've lost interest.

 

She did say that I can stay in touch, that she will respond and not ignore me. She also said that she doesn't need another "friend" as she already has too much male friends, which makes me think she does see more that just an ordinary friend in me (she said "I hope you don't plan the "let's just be friends" thing with me"). But her head is still not in order and (as she said) would be unfair to me because she can't let me in 100% at the moment. She didn't say to find someone else (yes, I did get that frome females in the past, if you can imagine ) but she probably knew better than asking me to wait for her.

 

I think that she thought her head was clear and she's ready to date again, but spending time with me probably resurfaced those emotions from the past that weren't properly dealt with. I think she likes me, but due to that can't let me in completly right now and she feels it would be unfair to me to string me along at the moment. And I do think that she hopes, I'll still be here and available when she resolves her issuies but knows that she can't ask something like this from me out loud.

 

 

As I said, I might be completley wrong and I've got it all wrong. But I've been on one side (head still all messed up) and on the other (I'm busy, just not into you) and I know this isn't something a person that doesn't like you acts. I know how (many) women acted towards me when there was no spark/connection/atraction from their side and this was something different.

 

And that's way I intend to date other women, see if there's someone right for me out here, but in the same time I intend to stay in (occasional) touch with her (so that we don't totaly forget about each other and stir some of her emotions for me) and ask her out again sometime later down the road (in a few months time). Who knows, it might happen, it might not. But you'll never know if it's meant to be, if you burn bridges and don't try.

[Allumere]

It seems very simple to me. She doesn't fancy you but thinks you are a nice person and feels bad for hurting you. The spark is missing for her and it has nothing to do with her ex. Those are just excuses to make you feel better. I can tell you from womans prospective that when we meet someone we fancy, all thoughts of exes go out of the window. Sorry to be blunt.

 

I also feel that you are only hurting yourself more by holding onto false hope. Go NC and let this one go.

 

That is not true of all women....I have been "not ready" and I guarantee you if Brad Pitt roled i with a million bucks he would get turned down. If not over an ex, steak looks like plain ole hamburger. OP this is not intended to give any false hope...just disagreeing. Stick with plan to stay open, date, and let things fall where they may.

[Someone33]

That is not true of all women....I have been "not ready" and I guarantee you if Brad Pitt roled i with a million bucks he would get turned down. If not over an ex, steak looks like plain ole hamburger. OP this is not intended to give any false hope...just disagreeing. Stick with plan to stay open, date, and let things fall where they may.

 

Thanks. Don't worry, you're not giving me a false hope, I give that enough to myself.

 

As I said, I've been there (many times) where a woman just wasn't into me, felt no spark, atraction to me and I know what kind of "emotions" and energy I got from them and this isn't the same.

 

If there is no spark, you don't go with someone on four long dates, you don't invite a person to your home and cuddle, and after the "moving too fast, not ready" text you don't go on another date with that person and stay there for well over two hours and telling you that recieving a text where I said to her to take her time, we can go slow, I don't want to lose her .... was one of the most beautiful texts she ever got ...

 

I've seen her when she was explaining me yesterday all this what's going on and I've seen that she cares for me, that it's not easy for her, that she also has hard time letting me go, but there are problems she still has and has to solve them (which she thought she already did) that prevents her to let me completley in at this moment.

 

As you said you've been in a place like this, I was also in a place like that last year. The most beautiful woman in the world could come by and I would spend time with her, have sex with her but I wouldn't be able to let her in 100% there and then. I did that to someone, she cared for me, she did everything right, but I just wasn't there. Besides, I didn't feel her that much, so I dropped the sex thing and left her, because it wasn't fair to her.

 

 

She didn't drop the "let's be friends" or "I'm just looking for a friendship" bomb. That would mean game over, nothing to see here anymore. She said just the opposite. That she hopes I'm not going for "let's just be friends" thing now, because she already has way too much male friends. That makes me think that she sees more in me or wants more from me that friendship, but she can't let me in at this time, because her head is still not right. That's why I still think (or hope) there is a chance later down the road when she thinks about her problems and deal with them. If she would offer me some friendship only card, I'd run away as fast as I could run and I did told her that.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Someone33