Ex Breadcrumbs -> Coming Over

[nevermindme]

So.. I posted another thread about my situation.. despite the horrific context.. I held strong and went NC over the past week. Received a breadcrumb "hope you are fine, etc".. IGNORED. (she was ignoring me while I chased her for 1.5 months).. so i'm looking out for ME.

 

Well.. days after the breadcrumb.. she texted me that she is coming over after work tonight if thats ok. We did live together before she left for someone else.. I'm thinking... this is another breadcrumb for her ego. She could come over before her work (while I am working) to grab any of her **** while I am not there... **** come over at midnight when I am tired, she's tired, etc... and for what.. she removed me from her life.

 

I still haven't replied.. but she is technically paying rent still.. so after work.. I will reply "ok, no problem" and decide whether I should take the dog for a LONG walk around that time or actually just showcase to myself how much I have healed and what I can take.

 

thoughts?

[CaliBabe]

Do not give her the satisfaction of getting what she wants, which is to see you (I think).

 

Be away when you know she is coming.

[Magnet]

Yes, I agree with above.

 

If you were really over her or confident in facing the situation then you wouldn't really think twice about staying in if you know when she is coming?

 

There's no harm in asking when she is coming around? You have a right to know?

[Poppyolive]

I went through similar. I responded late with you can come between 7-9 Mon or Thurs. I'll have your stuff packed.

 

 

It pissed him right off! He did it a few times, different items urgently needed. Even when I boxed up his things he would only take one or two things. After 3 times I responded your stuff will be outside my door at 7pm tonight and no more texts please.

 

Then emails & Facebook messages sent off..

[OffRail]

So.. I posted another thread about my situation.. despite the horrific context.. I held strong and went NC over the past week. Received a breadcrumb "hope you are fine, etc".. IGNORED. (she was ignoring me while I chased her for 1.5 months).. so i'm looking out for ME.

 

Well.. days after the breadcrumb.. she texted me that she is coming over after work tonight if thats ok. We did live together before she left for someone else.. I'm thinking... this is another breadcrumb for her ego. She could come over before her work (while I am working) to grab any of her **** while I am not there... **** come over at midnight when I am tired, she's tired, etc... and for what.. she removed me from her life.

 

I still haven't replied.. but she is technically paying rent still.. so after work.. I will reply "ok, no problem" and decide whether I should take the dog for a LONG walk around that time or actually just showcase to myself how much I have healed and what I can take.

 

thoughts?

 

When are you going to resolve the leasing and utilities situation ? As long as she is legally a tenant, she can access the place at any time. If you really want to go NC, you need to take care of the living arrangement or it will serve as an excuse to keep running into each other. Can you get another roommate if you can't transfer the entire lease into your own name ?

 

As for this particular situation, in your shoes, the best way to avoid her completely is to box all of her stuff, and maybe drop it off at a mutual friend's place or her family's place from where she can pick them up. If that isn't possible, then you can box all of her stuff for her to grab and go, while you are out of the house - preferably sleep at someone else's home that evening ? But do get the leasing situation sorted out or you will have to keep fleeing your place each time she texts you that she is coming over (or God forbid, even shows up unannounced) !

[nevermindme]

I pay all the bills. (yes, I put her on a pedestal - I fell in love and we have known each other most of our lives) We moved around the country to a few different states over the past 4 years dating. We dont know anyone here (well she knows the guy she left me for and his friends). I am actually moving to an island in a month (it was our dream, so I worked very hard to make it financially happen and lost sight in our relationship).. so lease/bills.. no issue. You're right, she can come and go, and all of her stuff isn't boxed up... I dont care about that tho. She wants to talk, and this is her way of saying it indirectly.

 

She knows she is loosing grip of me and I will be gone forever in a month. I am not fully healed (who is a few months after such a long deap relationship). BUT I know now I have an awesome life and a damn awesome future and I am awesome. I know if she's not in it, her loss... and in a month.. I can truly be indifferent as I will be thousands of miles away and truly moved on. I have done a lot of focusing on myself since we broke.

 

If I am not here tonight.. she will keep reaching out over the next month (cause its not her stuff she wants). I dont know if I want to drag that on.. I want her to say how she truly feels and owns up to and make my own judgement based on that and everything I have learned during my healing process. So I think I want to be here. I know this is not the right move to move on... but most broken relationships dont have previous plans to dissappear to an Island very soon.. so moving on is inevitable with or without her.

 

Excuse my grammar/spelling. Honestly, I wanted to shout my words here to delay my response to her and allow myself more time to think. Thanks!

[OffRail]

I pay all the bills. (yes, I put her on a pedestal - I fell in love and we have known each other most of our lives) We moved around the country to a few different states over the past 4 years dating. We dont know anyone here (well she knows the guy she left me for and his friends). I am actually moving to an island in a month (it was our dream, so I worked very hard to make it financially happen and lost sight in our relationship).. so lease/bills.. no issue. You're right, she can come and go, and all of her stuff isn't boxed up... I dont care about that tho. She wants to talk, and this is her way of saying it indirectly.

 

She knows she is loosing grip of me and I will be gone forever in a month. I am not fully healed (who is a few months after such a long deap relationship). BUT I know now I have an awesome life and a damn awesome future and I am awesome. I know if she's not in it, her loss... and in a month.. I can truly be indifferent as I will be thousands of miles away and truly moved on. I have done a lot of focusing on myself since we broke.

 

If I am not here tonight.. she will keep reaching out over the next month (cause its not her stuff she wants). I dont know if I want to drag that on.. I want her to say how she truly feels and owns up to and make my own judgement based on that and everything I have learned during my healing process. So I think I want to be here. I know this is not the right move to move on... but most broken relationships dont have previous plans to dissappear to an Island very soon.. so moving on is inevitable with or without her.

 

Excuse my grammar/spelling. Honestly, I wanted to shout my words here to delay my response to her and allow myself more time to think. Thanks!

 

Is the real reason that you want to talk to her is you wanting her to say her piece before you are gone from her universe forever ? Or is it because you too just want one last conversation with her, before The End ?

 

I am going through some nasty stuff myself, but while I am really angry with him, I am also really sad / depressed. I never want to see him or hear from him again but am not sure how I would react if he were text me and ask to meet me again so that he can "explain" everything. I think I would WANT to meet him and hear what he has to say in person, so that he can see the coldness with which I accept his "explanations" but I also think it would be a really bad idea because I don't know if my "resolve" will dissolve when we are actually face - to - face. We were friends for years, but not lifelong.

 

Do you think that you would certainly stay strong and not crumble, if by any chance she were ask for a second chance with you ?

[nevermindme]

Honestly.. I just want to smile at her one last time and see her smile back.. despite everything...

 

I don't need closure / explanations anymore - she deprived me of that during my grieving stage. oh well. I am expecting her to NOT ask for a second chance, but use seeing me as an ego boost to get her through the next few weeks/month... and that is fine by me honestly... whatever floats her boat.

 

I will be sipping beers on a beach making $ while she will be checking my social media seeing pictures wondering what it would be like only to be dependent on her rebound and racking up her credit card bills. but she did leave me... I know she will be curious when I am completely gone. and when I am gone..so long.

 

If she does want a second chance... then Yes, I will honestly consider it.. but at my terms only.. and I don't expect her to agree to them.

[Chi townD]

I envy you, dude! Going to live on tropical Island, Beach, surf and bikini's!

 

 

Question though! Does she know you're leaving?

[nevermindme]

Yes, I was building a life for us and was completely transparent on the goals and opportunities (which I always have made come true). She knows everything.

 

She might expect me to sit around waiting for her (yeah right!)... although I have delayed things a bit... she does know when the lease ends.. but she does not know when I will be gone only a time frame approaching very quickly.

Edited August 28, 2014 by nevermindme

[SoThatHappened]

Don't be there when she comes to get her stuff.

 

Ask her what time she's planning and tell her you won't be there.

 

You may say and do things you regret if you're there.

 

Don't be there.

 

Get the rest of the housekeeping (bills, rent, whatever) cleaned up as soon as possible and as professionally as possible.

 

Have a "sex on the beach" for us

[lauri]

Speaking from experience, I would suggest not seeing her.

 

She jumped ship to the next guy and probably had him going on in the background while you two were still together. Save your time and energy for the next girl, who is going to be loyal and never pull that type of BS on you.

 

Even if she did want to get back with you, too bad. You sir, from what I can tell about how you are writing, are not a second option for any girl. To be honest man, you do not sound like you need the closure talk. The only person who need a closure talk is her - she is coming to see you for herself.

 

She is going to try to justify her actions and try to hook you back in with some wishy washy words and comments. My ex tried to get closure from me for 10 months - 10 months after I moved back from Singapore to Canada to be with her (we were doing long distance and she dumped me a day after I moved back and quit my job). I knew she didn't want to get back with me - so when I finally heard her out (because she showed up at my house and caught me walking to my front door), she said so many things that were all about her and then never spoke to me again. You'd think she wanted something after 10 months, but not really...all she wanted to do was prove to me "she isn't a bad person", when in reality, she REALLY is.

 

In my opinion, your ex just felt guilty. I am going to assume that she is probably feeling horrible about what she did b/c you aren't speaking to her and she feels like a bad person. Your ex doesn't deserve to get that closure talk as it'll cause you more harm then any good. That image you had of your ex is gone, she has turned cold on you and no longer wants to be with you. Let her find her own closure, it isn't your job to help her feel better about herself at the expense of your own progress.

[nevermindme]

Ha.. you guys are so right! I am not expecting her to even show. If she does.. I don't expect anything other than what you are saying... and if I am not here.. well this conversation would come up in a week again or very soon, likely.

 

Here's the thing. I don't need her (I'm not suppose to be a part of her life anymore)... she need's me for whatever reason (guilt, closure, reconciliation, whatever, etc).. I don't need to do any talking, but I will be the man I am and listen. I am a great man, and despite being spit in the face (see my other thread).. if this will help her in anyway before I am gone for good.. then I am happy for her and wish her the best after I am no longer here.

 

If anything, if this is the last time I see her... it is the true me - the man she first met (i've healed quite a bit).. and that last impression may hurt her more than any means of healing she is trying to attempt tonight.

 

And Lauri -- I'm so sorry to hear what you went through.. you sound like a very very wise person, you must have come out stronger than before.

 

SoThatHappened - Great advice, but She's not coming for her stuff... her stuff here is a comfort to her that she feels fading as time goes by (she has keys to get it at anytime..). There is an alternative motive.. I will say and regret nothing, as I have a very prosperous future that I am excited for I will not hide or avoid her random attempt at whatever... I stay true to myself.. she can be who she wants to be... and the sun rises the next morning.

Edited August 28, 2014 by nevermindme

[lauri]

Ha.. you guys are so right! I am not expecting her to even show. If she does.. I don't expect anything other than what you are saying... and if I am not here.. well this conversation would come up in a week again or very soon, likely.

 

Here's the thing. I don't need her (I'm not suppose to be a part of her life anymore)... she need's me for whatever reason (guilt, closure, reconciliation, whatever, etc).. I don't need to do any talking, but I will be the man I am and listen. I am a great man, and despite being spit in the face (see my other thread).. if this will help her in anyway before I am gone for good.. then I am happy for her and wish her the best after I am no longer here.

 

If anything, if this is the last time I see her... it is the true me - the man she first met (i've healed quite a bit).. and that last impression may hurt her more than any means of healing she is trying to attempt tonight.

 

And Lauri -- I'm so sorry to hear what you went through.. you sound like a very very wise person, you must have come out stronger than before.

 

SoThatHappened - Great advice, but She's not coming for her stuff... her stuff here is a comfort to her that she feels fading as time goes by (she has keys to get it at anytime..). There is an alternative motive.. I will say and regret nothing, as I have a very prosperous future that I am excited for I will not hide or avoid her random attempt at whatever... I stay true to myself.. she can be who she wants to be... and the sun rises the next morning.

 

You realize, once you start to show you are okay and strong, she will start to get desperate and try to do some pretty immature things to try to draw you back in? A lot of those things may hurt you too.

 

Of course you do not need her. You need to continue to heal / become a better man than before....you can prove this by not seeing her and talking to her. Why are you going to help this girl feel better? You'd be doing her more good by avoiding her than seeing her. She is apart of your past, leave her there.

 

By not talking to her or seeing her, you are making it clean to her that her actions aren't okay and that a true man won't stand for it. If you see her and let her "feel better" about herself, she will just think that she can continue to get away with it with you and other guys.

 

If you two ever were to get back together (which I wouldn't suggest), she needs to realize you aren't someone she can just dump and come back to when things aren't going well with her new man. She needs to realize you are worth a lot more than what she treated you like, and the only way she is going to realize that is own her own, not by you showing her. I suggest you leave it alone and let her learn her lesson the way she should, through self-realization.

 

If she has anything worthwhile to say, which I highly doubt she does, she would have said it already or will find a way to let you know.

[SycamoreCircle]

I agree with Lauri. Don't see her.

 

It takes time to heal from a betrayal like this. When you get to the point of "benign indifference", then you can see her. You're not at that point, friend. Say all you want. You want her to grovel. And when she grovels, you'll cave. Stay away. Live your life. I've seen plenty of women drop what they're doing to chase a successful man like yourself!