RatherBeFishing Posted August 27, 2014 Posted August 27, 2014 (edited) I'm not sure what my primary goal of this post is. I suppose I just want to talk to someone. My wife struggles with all facets of communication. When it comes to social norms I am certainly the female of the relationship in aspects of communication and emotions. A prime example of this is shortly before we were married she was going over 2000 miles away for 6 months. The night before she was leaving I wanted to talk about our feelings, she said she would rather watch a movie. The lack of effective communication is taking a serious toll on our marriage. We are having frequent fights with her as the aggressor and my emotional needs simply aren't being met. Her body language constantly reveals anger at the slightest inconvenience and she blatantly withdraws love when upset. When a disagreement occurs rationally and calmly coming to a solution is the last thing she aims for. She has no patience and immediately raises her voice and doesn't hold herself accountable for what she says or does. Instead of looking at herself she directs all blame at me. Even if I remain calm, talk in a soft, soothing manner and try to diffuse the situation she uses words to hurt. Instead of discussing problems she tries to 'win' the arguments. She has agreed to go to marriage counseling but I feel it isn't very high on her priority list. I feel bullied in our marriage and I'm tired of her always putting herself first. Thank you for reading. Any advice or questions (or kind words!) are welcome. Edited August 27, 2014 by RatherBeFishing Removal of asterisks.
salparadise Posted August 27, 2014 Posted August 27, 2014 She has no patience and immediately raises her voice and doesn't hold herself accountable for what she says or does. Instead of looking at herself she directs all blame at me. Even if I remain calm, talk in a soft, soothing manner and try to diffuse the situation she uses words to hurt. Instead of discussing problems she tries to 'win' the arguments. She has agreed to go to marriage counseling but I feel it isn't very high on her priority list. I feel bullied in our marriage and I'm tired of her always putting herself first. Definitely go for the counseling. Make sure you have a skilled counselor. If she feels ganged up on in the sessions it will trigger her defensiveness and she will probably quit, so it's important that it feels equal and fair to her. Use "I" statements... "I feel..." etc. What are your ages, and how long have you been married? Was there an event or something after which she seemed to change, or just a progression? I assume it wasn't always like this, right?
preraph Posted August 27, 2014 Posted August 27, 2014 (edited) You make sure she goes to marriage counseling. She probably had bad modeling. Half the married women I know cite men sulling up and refusing to discuss things as a huge issue in their marriage. And they don't think anything is wrong with them so won't agree to counseling. I wouldn't stay with someone 10 minutes if they weren't willing to work on that because without communication, you cannot have a partnership. Just a one-way dictatorship. At least she says she'll go. See that she does. Edited August 27, 2014 by preraph
spiderowl Posted August 27, 2014 Posted August 27, 2014 She sounds dominant, impatient and inconsiderate. She does not appear to be interested in changing the status quo. It sounds like she is very unhappy in this marriage too as she is snappy and short with you. If she doesn't want to communicate what is bothering her in order to deal with her deep-seated anger at life, then the only things you can do are to put up with it or opt out of the relationship. If I were you, I would want out of this bullying and loveless relationship. Trying harder doesn't seem to help so why try? You are the one doing all the emotional work and she does not want to bother.
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