cheekymonkey Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Hello all ) I was given a link to this site from another group I've been posting to--what a great group you have here! Why I'm here in a nutshell: I've been married a little over a year and a half, we have a five month old daughter. My husband is a wonderful man; very kind, loving, funny, etc. The problem is he wanders online. At first he got women's e-mail addresses when I wasn't home from an online game we both play. I found out and confronted him, he denied it and when I showed him proof he said it wouldn't happen again. He then moved on to sign up for a personals website, looking for 'fun and sexy chats.' then it was Yahoo personals, then it was getting addresses from Yahoo profiles. Then it was yet another personals site. He has been messaging and exchanging e-mails and pictures (even of our daughter!) with these women for almost two years now. He has lied about it, hidden it and even gone as far as telling me it was post partum depression that made me think something was going on. Last week I made a profile under a fake name in the latest personals site and sent him a message. He answered back telling me about himself, said he was married and asked me to tell him all about me. I sent him a return message saying that I was sorry his marriage was so unsatisfying and he had to look for women online to be happy. I thought I was pretty obvious that it was me but maybe not. He sent a message back to me today saying that wasn't the case at all. That he was happy but he was just looking for friends. I think he knows it was me but I can't be sure. He's getting home in another hour or so and I'm going to confront him, hopefully for the last time one way or another I thought we had a strong marriage, I thought he was happy but apparantly he's only happy if he can feel like he's still single and on the prowl. I don't want the marriage to end but I don't want to be a doormat for anyone the rest of my life either.
d'Arthez Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Has he actually cheated on you (in real life, not on the internet)? The fact that he was honest about stating that he was married, and the fact that he even sent pictures of your young daughter would point for me, to other possibilities than interest in cheating. Could it possibly be a sexual disorder which he suffers from? Or bi-polar disorder? And if that possibility cannot be excluded, could you get him into counselling for these disorders?
Author cheekymonkey Posted March 2, 2005 Author Posted March 2, 2005 I don't think that he has actually had sex with anyone else. I think so far he's just kept everything online. There were some phone calls in December that popped up as a 'blocked number' on the cell phone bill. I asked him about it and he said he didn't remember who it was. Three hours of calls and no recollection? That aside, I think he just loves the chase (just a guess though). When he gets home I want to ask if he'll consider MC together. I just know something is very broken. I'm not sure what or how but if we can fix it I want to more than anything.
d'Arthez Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Something is very broken indeed. When he gets home I think you should make perfectly clear what issues you have, and why his behavior is totally unacceptable in your view. And that you really want for him to go to counselling. So you can't be completely certain if marriage counselling would be best, or a form of therapy, as it might also be a sexual disorder he suffers from. Definetely try for marriage counselling. If he is willing to go with you, you will find out if there might be more to this. Has he always been flirtatious, and behaving this way?
Author cheekymonkey Posted March 2, 2005 Author Posted March 2, 2005 He hasn't always been this way while we were together, at least not that I've known of. Only for the last couple of years. I've confronted him off and on and he always denies it and usually picks a fight to change the subject. I asked him point blank last month if he was chatting / e-mailing with anyone and he said no, he would never do that. I found out a couple days later that he had sent one of them a picture of himself earlier that day. Sometimes I think I'm overreacting and start to doubt myself but what he's doing is wrong, even if there's no actual sex. I'm hoping MC can help us both figure out what's going on and what direction we need to go in.
d'Arthez Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 There is something wrong. And you are not overreacting. Even if it is completely unrelated to sex, he does not respect the privacy of his family. Sending pictures of your 5month old daughter to a stranger, is not something you would consider normal, would you? Don't ever doubt your sanity in this case. I hope MC works for you. And can make it clear to the both of you what the issues are. I wish you the best, especially when he comes home shortly now.
Author cheekymonkey Posted March 2, 2005 Author Posted March 2, 2005 He'll be home shortly so I'm going to log off and get ready so I don't chicken out. Thanks for the reality check, d'Arthez--and for the encouragement!! *hug*
StillHurtin Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 I am sorry for what you are going through, I know what's it like. My H was also emailing and chatting w/ a woman he met online. One night she Im'ed me thinking it was him. I told her it was his W and she apologized and didn't know he was M, and that all she wanted was a friendship. H agree to stop all contacts w/ her and we never heard from her again. You need to tell your H that he needs to stop chatting and IM'ing these women. He needs to respect your wishes. I hope MC works for you if you choose to do it. GL!
Ladyjane14 Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Don't let anyone convince you that your feelings regarding this are invalid. Inappropriate on-line contacts may start out innocently enough, but they evolve. In many cases they do lead to infidelity. It will often start out with someone who is just bored and curious. The on-line onversation becomes more and more intimate and detailed. Then phone contact will start, usually by cell phone so the spouse doesn't know about it. Finally, it leads to meeting in person, and if the attraction is still there..... It's too easy to idealize other people from the anonymity of cyberspace. Easy to become the idealized person that you'd like to present to the world as well. You can choose a whole different persona, and alter-ego that is whatever you imagine it to be. I spent a good deal of time observing the women that my husband was communicating with. There are several kinds. Some are harmless, some are not. There are some women who solicit men primarily for money and gifts. They present themselves as 'damsels in distress'. You know, the heating bill isn't going to get paid, and the kids are going to go hungry, and their last S/O was an abusing a*hole who mistreated them, etc. Many are women with low-self esteem who are into the attention that they are receiving. One type of low self-esteem woman enjoys the attention. The other type, the sick one, needs it. There are lonely women, who truly believe that Prince Charming is really out there, and that he'll swoop in and rescue her....if only she could find him. The whole thing is rather pathetic if you ask me. It's fantasy that leaks into the REAL world, and destroys REAL relationships. Because regardless of how well you think you know someone on-line, you don't really know them. The 'Dr. Phil' question that you have to ask is, "what's the payoff?" What is your husband getting out of this contact that he can't get anywhere else? It's heady stuff for the emaciated ego. Imagine being in an adult chat room and the diva on site won't take PM's from all the other geeks....but she'll take them from YOU. It's conquest, and ego massage. There are some guys who become quite savvy to it. They can see it for what it is, and not make more of it. But it takes awhile to unmask all the players. It takes awhile to learn the game. And alot of people f*ck up their personal lives waaayyyy before they get to that point. My best advice to you is to find out what it is that your husband is enjoying in these contacts, and treat the problem from there. It could be ego. It could be about feeling controlled in his obligations....an opportunity to evade his real-life problems. Most likely, he doesn't even know himself what he's getting out of this. I have been wary of "laying-down-the-law". It seems controlling to me. But I can't say that I recommend tolerance to everyone. What works for me, won't work for others. Only you know your situation well enough to decide what the solution should be for you. I sought compromise on this. My husband gave up secrecy, and I gave him time. Eventually, he did gain the ability to sort the wheat from the chaff, and keep platonic on-line friends while discouraging the sick ones. It's a risky move, but I didn't want to keep him unless he could get it sorted out. I have to be number one with him, otherwise I'd just as soon let him go. I can't say it was without hazards though. The insecurity was extremely difficult to deal with at the time. I did receive alot of reassurance and positive feedback from my husband, which is not guaranteed to everyone who decides on compromise. My husband was highly motivated to save the marriage. This could never work with a partner who wasn't. Good luck, and keep posting.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Wants to be single? It sounds like he wants to be single: but from the comfort and security of his marriage home. He probably is happy at home for the most part, but he wants to have the benefits and 'thrills' of being single as well as the comfort, security and longevity of his marriage. He'll need to understand that in this relationship, he can't have it both ways: either he's married and fully committed physically and emotionally - or, he's going to be newly single. He may feel that what he's doing is 'no big deal' since in his mind it won't affect his marriage, but you will need to make him aware in no uncertain terms that in your mind - it does affect the marriage.
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