Trying to figure out my feelings and get over my ex

[xyz1234]

I'm going to start with the TLDR version (and even this is long) because what I ended up writing was wayyy too long. I initially wrote a way more detailed version and may or may not post it later. If I do it will be more for therapeutic reasons than expecting anyone to actually read it:

 

 

I'm 27 and got into the first relationship (and sex) of my life. She was kind of crazy, clingy, etc, and wanted to move too fast, but I really liked her. She had mentioned that she didn't think things were working out on three occasions and has now broken up with me on three more occasions (the first two were short lived) in total over the course of the four month relationship. She told me she was in love with me for the first time about 3.5 months in. She knew I wouldn't be able to reciprocate yet but seemed fine with it.

 

We meet for dinner a few days later and she brings up the fact the she wants to be engaged within 3 years, married in 4, and have kids in 7 (she brings this up a lot, she's 23 and wants kids before she turns 30). I explain that I think that you can't just set dates for these kinds of things, especially so early in a relationship, and that I think that having these expectations is unhealthy. I tell her I believe that if you're happy with how things are in the relationship to just take it day by day and we'll cross those roads when we get there. This made her angry and she basically said that if I don't see us working out long term that I need to tell her so that she can find a guy to marry and have kids with. I had no response for this and ended up changing the subject. She ended up composing herself and we said goodbye on what I thought were good terms.

 

I go on vacation a few days later and she gets mad at me for not texting enough one day. I explain to her that I just got too drunk and apologize (she gets drunk a lot more than I do so she should be understanding). She acts aloof for the rest of the trip, responds to my texts many hours later without saying anything more than "nice" when I tell her what I'm up to, ask how she is, how her day is going, tell her I miss her, etc. She ruined the majority of my trip because I had no idea why she was suddenly acting this way, and I didn't want to start a huge fight while on the other side of the country trying to enjoy myself.

 

I get home and finally blow up at her and she ends it, saying she wanted to talk about things first and see what happens but now I've shown her that we really shouldn't be together. She says we have too many differences and I tell her I agree. We agree to wait at least a week and meet up for dinner to talk more. A week later she gets drunk and sends me a sexy picture of her, then the following morning apologizes for being a bitch.

 

At dinner she tells me again that we have too many differences, mostly stupid things like the fact that I'm a slow eater. Nothing that a sane person would end a relationship over with someone that they claimed to be in love with. She also tells me that within a week of the break up she was already going on dates with other guys (even though she had claimed she was happy to be single for the first time in a long time), and has plans to visit Montreal and meet with people that the two of us had met there a few months ago. It seems like she may just be trying to hurt me, because that is the result.

 

We leave dinner amicably enough and agree that we think we can be friends and should grab drinks sometime. We haven't talked in a week since and I don't know if I should text her, wait for her to text, or what. I just feel bad about how things ended and how my first relationship of my life has left me feeling pretty horrible and like the person never cared about me at all. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how I should move forward with her and in general. I kind of feel like I'm going to have issues being vulnerable after this, because as soon as I started to take the walls down that I had put up due to her frequent "we need to talk" sessions it was over, and she was able to get over me like I meant nothing to her.

[Gloria25]

Well, I do applaud the girl for knowing what she wants and IMO, by the third date people should outline what they want with dating (i.e. something casual, or something serious)...cuz, I don't believe in all the "let's just date and figure out one day where this is going"...Cuz, even "if" the person you are with isn't the one you will marry, at least they know that your PURPOSE in dating them or ANYONE right now is to see if that person is a match for the long-term.

 

But, all the other stuff like her getting bent out of shape from the texting and what-not does seem to represent clinginess and her lack of maturity.

 

I say pass...

[Mrin]

Dodged a bullet you did.

 

That's a pretty nutty story. My suggestion to you is go total NC. And start dating. It is almost guaranteed you'll get drunk texted/sexted so you might as well get out there with other ladies.

[xyz1234]

Well, I do applaud the girl for knowing what she wants and IMO, by the third date people should outline what they want with dating (i.e. something casual, or something serious)...cuz, I don't believe in all the "let's just date and figure out one day where this is going"...Cuz, even "if" the person you are with isn't the one you will marry, at least they know that your PURPOSE in dating them or ANYONE right now is to see if that person is a match for the long-term.

 

But, all the other stuff like her getting bent out of shape from the texting and what-not does seem to represent clinginess and her lack of maturity.

 

I say pass...

 

Yeah, I mean I understand her wanting those things but I committed to the relationship and did want to see if she was a match long-term. I just don't think that setting dates for each milestone you plan to hit makes sense. I don't think relationships work that way. I think all you can do is commit to wanting that stuff in the future and see how it plays out. Having these dates in mind constantly is just going to cause you to over-think things, which she surely did and was probably the reason she seriously questioned the relationship or broke up with me 6 times in total now.

 

But yeah, she is definitely clingy and lacks maturity. She also wanted me to be with her every weekend for the entire 48 hours and if I wanted to do something with friends or, god forbid, have some alone time (I'm an introvert and need it every so often) she'd freak out.

 

It's for the best that it's over, I just wish she had given me better reasons for it being over and that it wasn't so sudden after saying she loved me.

[ktya]

A Russian guy me and a date met at a pub once put it perfectly.

 

"Dating a girl like that is like extreme sports"

 

She digs the drama, the rise she gets out of you, the roller coaster. She may chill out after a while but at 22 and talking marriage and kids, you had best be wrapping it up with your own rubbers when you hit it because a girl like that wants to grow up really fast and could hook you with a kid whether your down for it or not.

 

Shes gunning for you because your an older guy and you might be ready.

 

Sorry to hear that thats your first experience with a girlfriend. Most chicks are pretty insane from a dating perspective, but your next will probably be far tamer. At least you got the psycho out of the way with this one.

 

Booty call her, do her, then dont call her at all until she calls you. Have some fun with it. A chick with fireworks like that is an easy play. Wrap it up with a reliable rubber.

[mightycpa]

she wants to be engaged within 3 years, married in 4, and have kids in 7 (she brings this up a lot, she's 23 and wants kids before she turns 30)

Women who want this will dump men who don't, and will seek out men that do, because the clock never stops ticking.

 

She also tells me that within a week of the break up she was already going on dates with other guys

See?

 

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how I should move forward with her and in general.

Find another one. In fact, date a lot. Because you may like a lot of the girls you date, but it is highly unlikely you'll love many of them. Therefore, it pays big dividends to shop around.

 

Don't let one bad experience inform your thinking totally. Not all women are like this, but the ones that are will be very vocal and up front about it. Pay attention to what they say, because they mean it. Good for them, especially if not good for you.

[smackie9]

Simple, this is your first relationship, you are just getting your feet wet, she's done with dating and is looking for a husband. You two are not compatible, end of. There's plenty more out there to sample. I agree there is nothing to rush into when you don't even know what you really want.

 

I have a friend that is like you, he just wants a GF for now.

[xyz1234]

She digs the drama, the rise she gets out of you, the roller coaster. She may chill out after a while but at 22 and talking marriage and kids, you had best be wrapping it up with your own rubbers when you hit it because a girl like that wants to grow up really fast and could hook you with a kid whether your down for it or not.

 

Funny you say that. For a while we were using her condoms and while I was on vacation and she started being unresponsive to my texts I actually started to think that maybe she's pregnant and was being quiet because she couldn't tell me until I got home... That was way more terrifying than the thought of her wanting to break up haha.

 

She was on birth control too, but I actually started to get nervous when I saw her birth control kind of out in the open... I was like "did she leave that out like that purposely so I'd see it?" And she wanted to stop using condoms but I wasn't having that. I really don't think she's crazy enough to want to have a kid that quickly without being married but she has shown she's pretty crazy so I could be wrong.

[xyz1234]

Women who want this will dump men who don't, and will seek out men that do, because the clock never stops ticking.

 

See?

 

Find another one. In fact, date a lot. Because you may like a lot of the girls you date, but it is highly unlikely you'll love many of them. Therefore, it pays big dividends to shop around.

 

Don't let one bad experience inform your thinking totally. Not all women are like this, but the ones that are will be very vocal and up front about it. Pay attention to what they say, because they mean it. Good for them, especially if not good for you.

 

The thing is, I didn't have a problem with her whole timeline, I just didn't think it's something to bring up in conversation all the time like she did. I mean, I'm 27 so having a kid by 34 is totally reasonable, and I've told her that. But I didn't want her thinking "it's been 6 months and we still haven't hit this milestone, so we're never going to make it to marriage within 4 years so I'll just end it."

[ktya]

Funny you say that. For a while we were using her condoms and while I was on vacation and she started being unresponsive to my texts I actually started to think that maybe she's pregnant and was being quiet because she couldn't tell me until I got home... That was way more terrifying than the thought of her wanting to break up haha.

 

She was on birth control too, but I actually started to get nervous when I saw her birth control kind of out in the open... I was like "did she leave that out like that purposely so I'd see it?" And she wanted to stop using condoms but I wasn't having that. I really don't think she's crazy enough to want to have a kid that quickly without being married but she has shown she's pretty crazy so I could be wrong.

 

Take it from a guy who's been through the whole Jerry springer episode. Sometimes when women want that baby they will do anything to get it.

[smackie9]

Take it from a guy who's been through the whole Jerry springer episode. Sometimes when women want that baby they will do anything to get it.

 

My advice......never ever trust a woman when it comes to birth control. Use your own condoms and flush that puppy down the toilet right after. Girls have been known to dig it out of the garbage can and stick it up into themselves in hopes a few with make it (sick).

[xyz1234]

That is insane... I also just realized that some of the condoms she had were from when she was with her ex of 1.5 years so if she had poked holes in any trying to get knocked up by him that could have been bad news for me.

 

Annndd now I just realized that she said the birth control causes her to only get her period every 5 months, so I guess I'm not really out of the water yet

[smackie9]

If she gets injections no she won't get her period for months. And you can keep taking the pill, not stopping for a period if you wish.

 

Always check the expiration date on condoms.

[xyz1234]

So it's been 3 weeks since I last spoke with my ex and this really isn't getting much easier for me and I'm kind of feeling like talking to her. The reason I think that may be the case is because the last time we "broke up" we continued to talk as friends afterward and I felt way better then than I do now. But she also wasn't dating other guys during that one week span and I kind of had the suspicion that when we met after a week as "friends" to talk about things that she'd possibly change her mind (she did, and I dodged an attempted kiss at the end of the night so I could think things over before getting back with her). Also, we hadn't had sex yet at the time, and now I'm finding that I can't even see a naked woman without her popping into my head. Makes sense I guess considering she's the only girl I've ever been with.

 

Even if she wanted to get back together now I couldn't, so I don't think it's really about anything like that. Although I have told myself that I might be open to dating her again sometime down the road, like at least 4 months from now, if I were to somehow find that she'd changed and become less crazy. Probably not a healthy thought to have, but honestly, it took until age 27 and 3 years of OLD to find someone I liked who wanted to go past 3 or 4 dates with me, and I'm wondering if it just takes a crazy person to date me in the first place. I really have no prospects and I find OLD to be pretty horrible (I either initiate conversation with someone I'm attracted to and they don't respond, or someone I'm not that attracted to initiates conversation with me and I end up going on a date but not being that into them).

 

I'm just in a bad place right now and it feels like nothing is going right, and on top of losing my girlfriend I also lost the only person I had that I felt that I could talk about anything with. She really was my best friend in that way. I never intentionally went NC with her either, I just didn't know what to say after the breakup and thought I'd leave it in her hands to initiate conversation. When you're the dumpee that feels like the right way to handle it I guess.

 

She did send me a Facebook friend request the other day, and I accepted but unfollowed her because I'm not ready to see her posts and everything. I know that she is having a much better time than I am right now and I'm probably barely even a thought to her. I don't know what to do, I just really miss her as a person. Maybe I'd be able to get over it if I were to find someone else to date, but let's be serious, getting past a few dates with another girl is probably not going to happen for years. I'm honestly also scared to fall for a girl now anyway. I was just starting to let myself fall for this one once she said she was in love with me (even though it apparently wasn't true) and as soon as I did it was over and I still don't have any good answers as to why. It was just so abrupt... from feeling the best I ever had about the relationship to having her act as if I meant nothing to her while I was on vacation, to over. I'm definitely not ready to make myself vulnerable like that again yet.

 

I'm starting to feel like it was my own fault now. After she said she loved me I don't think I really said anything to reassure her that even though I couldn't say it back that I was getting closer to being able to and that I really cared about her. And then at the beginning of my vacation she asked if she could come over to visit the day I get back and I told her that since I was coming home on a red eye flight I would be asleep/tired for most of the day and that I thought I'd need the day to recover for work the next day. I know that if she had gone away she would have wanted to see me the day she got back. Even so, I wish she had said that things like this was the reason for the breakup instead of "you eat to slow" and various other BS.

 

Anyway, what I started off trying to get across was that I'm trying to figure out if I should text her. I guess I could try and if it ends up making me feel worse I can just... stop talking to her. What do you guys think I should do?

[smackie9]

So you are saying since there are no prospcts the next best thing is to go back to the evil that you know. Pretty sad......You will be right back where you started.

[xyz1234]

So you are saying since there are no prospcts the next best thing is to go back to the evil that you know. Pretty sad......You will be right back where you started.

 

Well I don't truly think she's "evil" haha. I think she's young and really didn't handle things well, and I'm not saying I'd get back together with her now, just that I'd possibly consider it months/years down the road, and that I want to truly be friends. I've done some thinking and have realized that I did a lot wrong in the relationship too...

 

From the start I kind of just had the wrong mindset I think. I thought that since it was my first relationship that it should eventually end and that I should eventually move on to someone else and see what another person is like. And because of this I never really fully committed to her. I mean, I was faithful but with the thought that I wasn't sure I wanted ANY relationship to last the rest of my life just yet I didn't really get fully invested. Like I said earlier, I just had a wall that I put up to try to avoid getting too invested and end up getting hurt. I think she saw through it and realized that she was wasting her time.

 

I remember one of the last nights we spent together and at dinner she just looked at me with this look like she couldn't be any more happy and told me something along those lines. Things like this always scared me because of my fear of getting too involved and I had no idea what to say. I'm pretty sure I said I was really happy too but I must have kind of given her a blank expression for a little while afterward while I was thinking because she kind of laughed and asked me what I was thinking, and I just said "nothing." I was really just kind of frozen by fear that I was going to hurt her and that I didn't feel the same way, at least not nearly as intensely. But like I said, I think it was just myself not letting me feel that intensely for her. I now think that it was moments like this where she tried to push things forward and I wasn't able to reciprocate that caused her to question the relationship (or break up with me) as often as she did.

 

As another example, at one point she mentioned how excited she was to spend the holidays with me later in the year. I'm sure I said something like "me too" without sounding like I meant it. In reality I was scared of the relationship getting to the point where we would spend the holidays together with my family. I think that's because in my eyes for a relationship to get that far, to the point where she is like part of the family, that it's a huge step and means that you could see yourself marrying this person, and that if you get that far with someone you need to be sure you're really serious.

 

Also, she would talk about traveling to other countries with me (we went to Canada together but that was basically a long weekend trip, I'm talking about going to other continents) and I'd kind of be thinking that that's a bigger commitment than I'm ready to make and that when the relationship ends it will have been kind of a waste because trips like that are expensive and you may not even want to remember it if the relationship ends badly. But I don't know, I think I've changed my mind about it. I saw this quote recently and it kind of resonated with me and made me realize that I was just doing things wrong all along:

 

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect—you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.”

 

I guess it's good that I've come to this realization so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future...

[smackie9]

You didn't do anything wrong...you both are not on the same page. You just want a GF and see how things go, she wants a husband, etc etc etc. You should never let anyone bully you to the point you think you made mistakes. She has a plan, you got over whelmed. Why 4 months from now, what do you think is going to change? You need to psych yourself for it?

[xyz1234]

Yeah, I know I didn't really do anything wrong, I'm just starting to change my view on how I should handle these things in the future. The fact is, I'm not 18, I shouldn't really be going into relationships thinking from the start that I really don't want it to go the distance. It kind of sucks that I got to age 27 without having some little flings in high school and college, but I also think I'm more mature than that now and should invest more emotionally into a relationship than I did in this one, and just let myself be vulnerable.

 

But yeah, you're right in that we were not on the same page. Even with the way I've changed my view on these things I just don't really believe that in a relationship there should be all of these plans/dates hanging over your head all the time. Could I have gotten engaged within 3 years, married within 4, kids within 7? Yeah, at my age that seems pretty reasonable. But I don't want to have it be something where the relationship gets called into question constantly because instead of being in the moment she's thinking about years down the road. That was really the only point I ever argued with her about. It's not having the plan that bugged me, it was the fact that she brought it up so much that it interfered with the relationship. I'm pretty sure it's the reason she questioned the relationship as much as she did and I just think that's not the right way to go about it. Who knows where you're going to be in 3, 4, or 7 years when you've only been dating for a few months? I don't think she is going to meet a sane (or not desperate) man who is going to be on the same page in that way.

 

And I don't really think anything is going to change anytime soon. The only way I'd get back together with her is if/when she matures more and realizes that it's not a race to marriage and babies. Maybe a couple years down the road when her plan goes to **** because no sane guy would be on the same page as her we could try dating again, but I'm not holding out hope or anything.

 

Something I just thought of that I thought was really interesting at the time was that over the summer she was supposed to come to my friends wedding with me, but then ended up breaking up with me for a week around the time I was supposed to RSVP, so even though we were back together I couldn't bring her as a plus one. I ended up having a talk with my friends dad, who is close to 70, about my relationship. He asked if I was seeing anyone and I explained, and told him why she wasn't there. I'm not sure how we even got to talking about this stuff but I told him about how we had only been dating a few months and she was already talking about marriage and everything so much.

 

He kind of blew my mind because he asked me how old she was, and I told him, and he said she's just immature (the whole time I thought I was the immature one). He said he told his three sons that he didn't want them to even think about getting married until they were at least 27 and had been in a relationship for a good amount of time (my friend and his now wife were together for about 7 years before getting married at 27). He basically said that it's not a race to the alter, it's about finding someone you are sure you can spend the rest of your life with, and that that takes time. I think that was great advice, and exactly the kind of thing I was always trying to get across to my ex.

[smackie9]

Some people are just like that. My friend from high school was the same way, had to be married with kids before age of 30...and she was dead set on it. She was all over her BF about it until he caved in. She got what she wanted, but 12 years later divorced lol.

 

As for your ex she has a plan (like my friend) there is no changing that. That should be a lesson to YOU that you shouldn't have to try and change someone to suit your needs, also you shouldn't have to change for someone to suit them. Yes there are some things we make sacrifices on, but that is providing you are comfortable with it, not forced into it.

[xyz1234]

Yeah, I get what you mean. I have a feeling she is going to be a single mom a few years down the road. It's not that I wanted to change her to suit my needs, I wanted to make her realize that the way she is going about things is all wrong and is probably going to lead to even more heartbreak for her.

 

I just think I'm kind of a rational person in a lot of ways and I try to make others see things rationally. It's funny because she reads books about relationships (and has had me read some) and has told me about how it takes two years just to get past the "honeymoon phase" and that it's after that that you can finally find if you can really love a person long-term. Yet she was in a rush to tell me after only three months that she'd love it if we lived together and that she was pretty sure she could marry me. Doesn't really add up...

 

She's just not a rational person I guess, and you're right, there's no changing her. It's sad because besides the crazy side of her and her rush to get married and have kids she's an awesome, fun, smart person with a lot going for her. She is still young and hopefully she matures and realizes the error in her ways but I'm not going to wait around and hold out hope.

[xyz1234]

Just to update, she re-friended me on Facebook about a week ago (I accepted but unfollowed her so I wouldn't be forced to see her new posts/pictures) and I broke NC a few days ago just to see how she's been. She ended up responding, telling me what she's been up to and that she was going to a baseball game that night. Afterward I ended up checking out her fb to see who she was with at the game and it was one of the new guys she told me she started dating about a week after our breakup, and she'd posted like a dozen pictures of the two of them. That felt pretty horrible. I also noticed that she had unfriended all of my friends, which was kind of odd considering the week before I had two friends tell me that they thought we were still together because she was still liking their fb posts.

 

The next day she initiated texting and we've been texting a decent amount since. I feel like she may have been trying to see if the pictures had gotten a rise out of me or something because I didn't expect her to initiate conversation really. I didn't mention it, and she hasn't either. She has been more friendly and quick to respond to my texts lately though. It's back to feeling like she actually cares about me on some level, which is nice because that is probably what hurt the most was that it seemed like she just totally stopped caring. At one point she made a comment like "don't deny it, you miss me" and I told her I don't deny it. Not sure if that was a mistake haha.

 

I know it's dumb and probably not a healthy feeling to have but I feel like what would actually give me the most closure is for her to tell me she made a mistake and wants me back. I'd have to turn it down since I do feel the need to take some time to see other people, and that she has some growing up to do and probably see a therapist before I could even consider dating her again.

[smackie9]

You just gave her a reason to keep you in her back pocket....nice going. Now stop talking to her, you need to move on.