How forward to be with a guy early on. Also, he likes crazy?

[simsim]

does anyone else (women) struggle in the early stages of dating with worrying about giving off a slutty vibe? I've been seeing this guy for 3 weeks, we slept together pretty early on but he's very open and communicative (he's not seeing anyone else, he moves slowly into relationships) and has taken me out on lots of creative and romantic dates and has been a complete gentleman. for the record, he's openly progressive and doesn't seem to have a madonna-whore complex that a lot of younger (mid/late 20s) guys have (where they put you in the "slut" box if you sleep with them too early).

 

 

it's no secret women love sex. I like really kinky sex actually, but still have this weird paranoia about turning a guy off by being too forward. we hung out this weekend and had a lot of fun but held off anything physical (disappointed), and later he texted me that I should've ignored him and ripped his clothes off. can guys enjoy a woman who will rip off his clothes and blow him in a back alley, and then still see her as a legit dating/relationship option?

 

 

also what does it mean when a guy says he likes his women "slightly crazy." it's referring to sex, right? someone who initiates more? it seems like several of his exes have stalked him though, maybe he likes legit crazy...

[TheyCallMeOx]

From my experience, I would say that you're less likely to be taken as a serious dating/relationship option the sooner you get into kinky sex. In my perspective, if I'm romantically interested in woman, ideally I've got the rest of my life with her to do kinky stuff. Why rush? If a woman approaches me and she expresses that she wants more than what we've naturally been doing, then I would get the impression that sex is her main focus. Over time, I'll learn more about her and what she likes, but if she gives me the impression that she's impatient with the speed things are going sexually, I'll feel she's much more satisfied short-term than long-term. Because of this, I would take her less seriously...not necessarily because she wants to push things further, but because I would start doubting whether she wants to be with me for the long run. You can't really force a man/woman to feel a certain way so you could say things to reassure him that you're interested in a relationship, but once you get into a guy's list of "who I want to f*ck the sh*t out of," it's really hard to get out of it. If a relationship is your priority, I would let nature take it's course. I'm sure he'll get adventurous at some point. Consider it foreplay. "What's he going to do this time?"

 

For me, "crazy" is usually a sexual term. I want my woman to be slightly crazy as in, yes, she initiatives more, she's willing to blow me driving down the road, but not stuff like giving ME anal sex, or gross fetishes that deal with feces, urine, etc.

[simsim]

From my experience, I would say that you're less likely to be taken as a serious dating/relationship option the sooner you get into kinky sex. In my perspective, if I'm romantically interested in woman, ideally I've got the rest of my life with her to do kinky stuff. Why rush? If a woman approaches me and she expresses that she wants more than what we've naturally been doing, then I would get the impression that sex is her main focus. Over time, I'll learn more about her and what she likes, but if she gives me the impression that she's impatient with the speed things are going sexually, I'll feel she's much more satisfied short-term than long-term. Because of this, I would take her less seriously...not necessarily because she wants to push things further, but because I would start doubting whether she wants to be with me for the long run. You can't really force a man/woman to feel a certain way so you could say things to reassure him that you're interested in a relationship, but once you get into a guy's list of "who I want to f*ck the sh*t out of," it's really hard to get out of it. If a relationship is your priority, I would let nature take it's course. I'm sure he'll get adventurous at some point. Consider it foreplay. "What's he going to do this time?"

 

For me, "crazy" is usually a sexual term. I want my woman to be slightly crazy as in, yes, she initiatives more, she's willing to blow me driving down the road, but not stuff like giving ME anal sex, or gross fetishes that deal with feces, urine, etc.

 

so do guys usually push the issue as sort of a "test" and women are supposed to put on the brakes? I mean I get it, I guess, it just sucks, because I feel like I'm not being myself. It seems so lame to hold back on something you clearly both want (not kinky sex but say, the woman initiating). I want to initiate, he tells me he wants me to initiate, but I'm not supposed to until an arbitrary amount of time has passed. Sigh.

[marcjb]

Too fast = The relationship won't last and she will be onto the next when she gets bored due to always needing external stimulation and validation.

 

I have no problem staying single for years, no point in rushing things when you do find someone you like.

[Andy_K]

It depends entirely on the guy.

 

I couldn't disagree more with the posts above personally... Every serious relationship I've had has involved things getting hot and heavy on a sexual level very early on. On the occasions I've been with a girl who has waited longer or wanted to take things more slowly, it's never worked out for more than a couple months.

 

I would not only still consider a girl relationship material if she was open with and initiated sex early on, I would *only* consider her relationship material if she did that. I want someone who's on my level, makes her own decisions, and doesn't give a damn what's 'expected' of her.

[OwMyEyeball]

If initiating is a very important to you then you'll have to go ahead and live true to who you are. If that scares him away then so be it. Either that or you'll feel compelled to repress your true self and intentions in order to appease your partner. That will lead to resentment.

 

His comment on liking them a little "crazy" is entirely subjective and should not be read into at all. If you're still curious then best that you ask him what he meant by the remark.

[TheyCallMeOx]

so do guys usually push the issue as sort of a "test" and women are supposed to put on the brakes? I mean I get it, I guess, it just sucks, because I feel like I'm not being myself. It seems so lame to hold back on something you clearly both want (not kinky sex but say, the woman initiating). I want to initiate, he tells me he wants me to initiate, but I'm not supposed to until an arbitrary amount of time has passed. Sigh.

 

Initiating isn't always a kinky thing to do. When you're behind closed doors, a woman initiating tells me she's super turned on and can't resist me. That's sexy, and it turns me on to know that she can't resist me. However, if she's sliding her hands down my pants at the dinner table with family members, that's kinky. So if you feel like you're not being yourself because you can't initiate, that's not necessarily true. You usually can initiate, but you just can't start giving him a handy while he's sitting at a traffic light. All that stuff comes later when you've both learned a great deal about each other.

 

To me, there is no "test." When it comes to romantic relationships, both sides are equally holding themselves back from something. Maybe they're holding back a part of their weird personality, maybe they're holding themselves back sexually, or whatever the case may be. When you find someone you're interested in, you want to make a positive impression because the initial moments together are critical. When you start becoming mutually exclusive, that's when people start showing their "true colors." You learn more about people as you go; you don't throw him on the bed and say "all right babe, I want you to go as far as you can." You pick up bits and pieces. I'm a butt guy. When I'm romantically interested in a woman, I hold myself back from spendin' time on a woman's a*s. I can hold myself back when I know the woman I'm interested in is someone I may want to spend the rest of my life with because I know...at some point, that a*s will be mine. Temptation is easily resisted when you're thinking long-term. However, if I'm just lookin' to get a piece of a*s, I'd pursue women sexually rather than romantically.

 

See, here's the problem. As a guy, let's pretend you and I are dating and I come across this message. I've dated a woman purely for sexual reasons, and my heart got broken partially because of sexual incompatibility. The woman I've dated purely for sexual reasons gave me everything I wanted sexually. I got that a*s. We had sex in her front yard, she gave me a handy while her mom was on the computer, anal sex, she let me lick every crevice of her body, etc. It was nice, but her and I are no longer in a relationship because I enjoyed that more than I enjoyed everything else. So we're dating, and I find out that you don't feel like you're not yourself because, sexually, you haven't reached your limit. You feel held back. My sexual desires are only a small part of who I am.

 

Let's just say that you and I have sex for the first time after three dates. For whatever reason, we decide to turn the lights off, and go at it missionary the whole time. In my mind, I'm having sex with an amazing woman and it doesn't matter what we do. At this point, I'm feeling good. I'm going to be thinking about doing kinky things, but I have self-control and I do what I feel is natural. During sex, I'm enjoying the feeling. I'm not thinking about whether I'm holding back because thinking about anything other than what is going on at the present moment is not really giving me the best feeling. I know that I don't need the wildest or kinkiest sex to feel like myself, or feel the relationship is going to last. At some point, I will want something to push my limits, but when I haven't been with a woman for a long time, I understand that I've got my whole life ahead of me. At some point, sex becomes repetitive, and I really don't want to be doing everything known to man beforehand. If I have kinky sex way too early in the relationship, I'm going to get the impression that, 20-30 years down the road, my wife is going to want to participate in swinger parties, group orgies, or whatever the case may be. At that time, I may not be ready for something like that and if she needs constant excitement in sex, in the end, there's only so much that I can do until she reaches a point where I can't satisfy her; not because I can't, but because she isn't willing to settle for non-excitement. If you're at the point where you feel that holding yourself back from kinky sex is preventing you from being yourself, I'm getting the impression that you're going to be one of those partners that I really can't satisfy because you're always going to be wanting more and more.

 

Maybe you won't be like that, but once I get that impression, I'm a little bit intimidated. I'm kinky when I want to be, but I don't need to be kinky. Making love is so much better than kinky sex, but making love requires intimacy...and if I'm with a woman who feels like she isn't herself when she's holding herself back, eventually...she may become sexually dissatisfied with the relationship. She may stop secreting natural lubricant, and then we'll have to buy lubrication. And then when I'm not in the mood for kinky sex, I'll feel like I'm not good enough...in which case, I'll start losing erections more frequently because I'll feel like I can't sexually satisfy you and eventually it's going to lead to relationship deterioration. When you're thinking long term, that's the stuff I think about. Short term, I don't give a sh*t whether the woman is going to be with me for the rest of my life or not; just turn around and bend over and enjoy it. So if you're thinking more short-term than you are long-term, you have to consider the possibility that you're looking for something short-term.

 

There's nothing wrong with that, by the way. If he wants different things and you want different things, where is the compatibility? Sexually, you can go as fast or as slow as you want...but it has to be mutual. If it's not mutual, it's more than likely going to cause problems down the road.

[d0nnivain]

I never worried about giving off a slutty vibe. I'm not slutty so I'd have to work at it to do that. I was always honest & I would talk to men about expectations before becoming intimate if I cared to make sure there was going to be a next step / a tomorrow.

 

I am direct & have been told I can be too forward so I did worry about being myself & inadvertently emasculating a new guy with my tendency to be in charge all the time. I would purposely hold back.

 

Ironically when I met DH I was really trying to be more "feminine" & less myself. Some of the things I did he thought were downright silly. After we got married there was a brief time when I was again going against my nature & trying to be too deferential because he was my husband. It was incredibility frustrating. Fortunately, he realized what I was doing & why. He sat me down & said stop. One of us has to be "in charge" in this marriage & I don't want to. You (meaning me) not being in charge makes you crazy so stop trying to be something you're not. I fell in love with the bossy girl you are. Remember, if I don't like something I can & will always say no. I'm not going to follow you blindly but you can't expect me to lead either. Things have been great since.

[fred123]

does anyone else (women) struggle in the early stages of dating with worrying about giving off a slutty vibe? I've been seeing this guy for 3 weeks, we slept together pretty early on but he's very open and communicative (he's not seeing anyone else, he moves slowly into relationships) and has taken me out on lots of creative and romantic dates and has been a complete gentleman. for the record, he's openly progressive and doesn't seem to have a madonna-whore complex that a lot of younger (mid/late 20s) guys have (where they put you in the "slut" box if you sleep with them too early).

 

 

it's no secret women love sex. I like really kinky sex actually, but still have this weird paranoia about turning a guy off by being too forward. we hung out this weekend and had a lot of fun but held off anything physical (disappointed), and later he texted me that I should've ignored him and ripped his clothes off. can guys enjoy a woman who will rip off his clothes and blow him in a back alley, and then still see her as a legit dating/relationship option?

 

 

also what does it mean when a guy says he likes his women "slightly crazy." it's referring to sex, right? someone who initiates more? it seems like several of his exes have stalked him though, maybe he likes legit crazy...

 

if women love sex then why they act like they dont and use it against you when you make a move??

[simsim]

man some great advice. thanks to all.

[Gloria25]

Yes, I agree with some of the posts so far...but, I don't agree with putting your hand down your SO's pants around family members. I'm very, very conservative at times - prudish even.

 

Yes, I do believe too much too soon isn't good in the bedroom. If you are with someone you are serious about, I believe you may ruin it if you are into stuff they aren't into.

 

Sexual satisfaction is important in a RL, but IMO, you gotta get a feel for what that person is into and decide if that is enough for you and whether or not you want to introduce more into the bedroom.

 

Trust me, there have been things I've wanted to try in the bedroom and I have things like lingerie and stuff like feathers, cuffs, even costumes (i.e. cowgirl, maid) that haven't been used since I bought them years ago, but I haven't felt comfortable introducing them yet. Besides, the sex I've had was good enough without breaking out the maid outfit. Maybe one day I'll have the chance to break out the costumes and stuff...

[simsim]

if women love sex then why they act like they dont and use it against you when you make a move??

 

 

 

well, because a lot of guys will hit it and quit it.

[Gloria25]

I also agree that a lot of guys really don't "require" you to prance around in a sexy outfit...they are just happy to have someone naked up against them. So, when you "do" break out the sexy stuff, you can make them feel special ...So, timing is important.

[d0nnivain]

if women love sex then why they act like they dont and use it against you when you make a move??

 

 

It depends on the woman. Society & some men still give women mixed messages about their own sexuality. It can be a fine line to walk between being the "freak" he claims to want behind closed doors but not too freaky because you can't scare him off if you are wilder than he is and being the lady he wants everywhere else.

 

Timing also plays a roll. Asking & especially pressing for sex too early makes women think you don't respect them & only want one thing.

[ja123]

if women love sex then why they act like they dont and use it against you when you make a move??

 

 

 

They're confused.

[Gloria25]

Gosh, sorry for making three posts...but I'm having some issues editing my previous posts...Anywho,

 

I feel your concern about turning it on too soon cuz...

 

Once, I put on stiletto heels and one guy told me that I 'looked like a ho' in those...And, he and I already had sex more than once, so I felt comfortable doing something "different"...Well, that kinda turned me off from introducing stuff until I really, really, got to know a guy. Anyways, that guy had other issues...so maybe it wasn't the shoes?

[d0nnivain]

Once, I put on stiletto heels and one guy told me that I 'looked like a ho' in those...And, he and I already had sex more than once, so I felt comfortable doing something "different"...Well, that kinda turned me off from introducing stuff until I really, really, got to know a guy. Anyways, that guy had other issues...so maybe it wasn't the shoes?

 

Unless that was his inept way of introducing "dirty talk" into your sex life a man who said that to me would find one of those stiletto's proverbially in his mouth to shut him up or up his behind to kick him out the door. How rude.

[Mrin]

OP: I don't see anything wrong with you taking the initiative. In fact, I'll echo one of the other posters in saying that I actively look for a woman who is confident enough to initiate but also will raise the "bar" to speak. Be who you are.

 

Now, we've been spending a lot of time talking about kinky sex but I really wanted to address his crazy comment. I totally get that. In fact, I wrote an entire essay on just this topic in the Spring. So Tell Me Something Shocking? | Jump In Feet First

 

Hope that helps!

[Gloria25]

I just thought of this!!!

 

Maybe you can save face by saying you read "something" in one of those racy books (i.e. the 50 Shades of Grey - even though I'm not into the whole hoopla over it and will not read the books my gf got for me) or saw it on TV and wanted to try it in the bedroom...That way if he gets all weirded it out, you can blame it on the books or TV and then make up your mind if you want the kink or the RL with him....

 

:bunny:

[silvermercy]

From my experience, I would say that you're less likely to be taken as a serious dating/relationship option the sooner you get into kinky sex. In my perspective, if I'm romantically interested in woman, ideally I've got the rest of my life with her to do kinky stuff. Why rush? If a woman approaches me and she expresses that she wants more than what we've naturally been doing, then I would get the impression that sex is her main focus. Over time, I'll learn more about her and what she likes, but if she gives me the impression that she's impatient with the speed things are going sexually, I'll feel she's much more satisfied short-term than long-term. Because of this, I would take her less seriously...not necessarily because she wants to push things further, but because I would start doubting whether she wants to be with me for the long run. You can't really force a man/woman to feel a certain way so you could say things to reassure him that you're interested in a relationship, but once you get into a guy's list of "who I want to f*ck the sh*t out of," it's really hard to get out of it. If a relationship is your priority, I would let nature take it's course. I'm sure he'll get adventurous at some point. Consider it foreplay. "What's he going to do this time?"

 

For me, "crazy" is usually a sexual term. I want my woman to be slightly crazy as in, yes, she initiatives more, she's willing to blow me driving down the road, but not stuff like giving ME anal sex, or gross fetishes that deal with feces, urine, etc.

I was agreeing with the post until the bolded part. When I hear comments like that coming from men it sounds so hypocritical and pisses me off. They're too quick and happy to give anal sex but oh ho ho... not receiving it. Maybe they're gonna turn gay or something... lol What if the woman gets turned on by that? It's not a secret anymore that many women watch gay sex just like men watch lesbians. (For the record I'm not into giving anal to men, it's just the hypocrisy that gets on my nerves). *rant over*

[TheyCallMeOx]

I was agreeing with the post until the bolded part. When I hear comments like that coming from men it sounds so hypocritical and pisses me off. They're too quick and happy to give anal sex but oh ho ho... not receiving it. Maybe they're gonna turn gay or something... lol What if the woman gets turned on by that? It's not a secret anymore that many women watch gay sex just like men watch lesbians. (For the record I'm not into giving anal to men, it's just the hypocrisy that gets on my nerves). *rant over*

 

Oh, I can completely agree. You're absolutely right! It would be hypocritical. However, you slightly misinterpret. My ex-girlfriend loved anal sex, and she wanted to try it on me. Like you say, she's the woman who got turned on by that. Before we broke up, we did some online shopping for toys related to anal sex. I wasn't particularly turned on to the idea, but my philosophy on relationships is that I'm willing to do whatever she is willing to do. If I fancy a threesome with two women, I'm willing to have a threesome with two dudes. No, I'm not gay, but I believe that fair is fair. As of right now, I've never received anal sex, so I'm not entirely sure I would enjoy it. I'm very in tone with my sexuality so I know that I wouldn't feel gay about it. I've done some pretty homosexual things in my life, but I guess you could consider me more flexible than some. I'm not attracted to dudes, they don't arouse me, but for the sake of my woman's satisfaction, I'd be willing to make some sacrifices if she's willing to do the same. Where you misinterpreted is that yeah...I would love to date a woman who loves anal sex but doesn't like to give it. I do "want" a woman who doesn't like to give. However, I never said I wouldn't be willing to settle with a woman who does. It's not a deal-breaker. I'm looking for a woman who is sexually "flexible," so it really wouldn't make a difference to me. This is if I had the choice, but we can't choose the people we fall in love with. If I fall in love with a woman, I'd be willing to do anything for her provided she's willing to do anything for me. Fulfilling sexual desires is no exception.

[preraph]

The only way men usually marry women who really enjoy sex is if the woman convinces them that they are the only reason they became a sex slut, only them. THEY brought it out in you. Otherwise, men love women who are good in bed and even befriend them as well, but don't normally consider marrying one because they still think a sexy woman can't be a good mother. Snore. Yes, folks, it's still the Victorian Age. And yet one more reason not to have kids.

[ktya]

Sigh makes me glad not to be a woman hitting on this topic.

 

Like the above poster (Andy K I think) all of my relationships have had sex early on and I wouldn't really consider a girl relationship material if she made me wait too long. I'm talking within the first 3 dates, usually the first or if I really like her the second and she better be phenomenal for me to wait for the third. If it isnt implied for the fourth then there wont be a fourth.

 

On the "kinky" side of things men tend to be more progressive than you might think they are as long as it doesnt involve pain, bondage or male anal penetration. If your into those things its really something your going to have to spend a while getting to know your partner.

 

On the feeling slutty vs. kinky I totally appreciate your concern. A girl I am seeing when I was going down on her was really craving anal play with the finger. She was getting right into it and wanted more and more and when I got to three after she finished she was so embarassed and was feeling totally dirty.

 

I didnt really care because she was into it and obviously liked it but she is from a conservative background and it wasnt that she was mad at me she was kind of horrified with herself. I was a bit surprised at the fervor she wanted me to go at it with but what the hell everyone has their fantasies and although she hasnt said so much I'm guessing hers is anal sex. I've had a ton of it so I dont really care either way au naturale is fine for me and if she wants to go there at least I know what I'm doing and it isnt going to hurt her.

 

My advice on the kinkier stuff is dont jump right into it but ease him into it while your having sex and if he seems game slowly progress more and more, maybe even have some postcoital chats to feel him out and see if he liked it before you go off saying something like, "do me in the ass"

 

On the madonna/whore level depends the guys age really. Younger guys want to marry a princess and screw a whore, the older we get the more we realize we want a princess on the town and a whore in the sack, best of both worlds.

 

I dont think at any age (i'm 37 now) I would have been turned off by a girl ripping my clothes off and straddling me or unzipping my pants and blowing me, provided it wasnt in a totally inappropriate place or it wasnt something that was happening all the time.

 

As a guy its often refreshing for a chick to initiate sex (especially when we're younger) because all the machinations to getting to the actual sex can be sometimes annoying.

 

The kissing, the backrub, the hand under the shirt, the stroking the inner thigh, removing the clothing one peice at a time.. it all has its place but sometimes its nice when a chick just grabs you, kisses you, undoes your pants, starts blowing you then rips everything off and pushes you onto the bed and jumps on your bone.

 

TBH, if a girl did the latter on the first or second date I'd be blown away and I'd definitely be calling that chick back the very next day.

 

On the initiating just keep it contextual. If the guy is in the middle of something keep it to a minimum once in a while thing. My ex in the beginning was all over me like that after she moved in with me and it was cute at first but became a turn off after a while, like if I was watching the news, reading something or trying to figure something out or talking about something serious. First thing in the morning though anything goes.

[silvermercy]

Funny how things can be... lol I would not consider a MAN relationship material if he wanted me to give him sex after only 3 or 4 dates. Noooo way in hell I would date him after that.

 

OP, what I suggest is be yourself. Do not repress yourself, as already mentioned. It just shows a false image and you may later realise you're both simply incompatible and it was just a waste of time. So be yourself.