Can I fix his perception of me being needy or is this over?

[kumar123]

Okay to give a rundown, I was dating this guy in April and half of May, so about 6 weeks. Things were good and intense. Yes, I made the mistake of being too needy (I had no idea at the time). I asked where our relationship was heading, sent very lengthy texts, got a bit too upset if I didn't hear from him for a day or two. He said he needed space and specifically told me that I was moving too fast and he needed it to slow down... and I took it the wrong way entirely and assumed he wanted it to end. My ex was very full on and intense, so I think my levels had adjusted to that. Anyway he ended it, but begged and cried to be my friend, claiming how amazing and important I am to him and how he CANNOT lose me from his life. We don't see each other for close to a month, so now it's June. When I hear from him again, he is very happy to hear from me and sees me a week after we get back in contact, spends a whole day with me.

 

I see him again, everything is great and perfect. He seems really happy to be around me again and tells me how important I am to him and all that good stuff. After 2 weeks, I ask him where this is going and put him on the spot (another big mistake) and he immediately pulls back and is a bit turned off. At this point, I had NO IDEA I was coming across as needy and too focused on him. So we go back to trying to be friends. I ignore him a bit to sort of distance myself and for about 6 weeks he's all over me... contacting me every 2-3 days, seeing me every week and having one on one quality time with me, initiating hang outs, wanting to know everything about me, sharing everything about his life to me, and all seems great again. There was NO SEX when this was occurring either. He made it consistently clear how much he cared for me, how much he valued me and how I mean a great deal to me. I did make a few mistakes that I think did turn him off a bit. I got drunk around him and admitted I was a bit jealous of him hugging a girl. I told him I loved him around 4am in the morning, and of course, he didn't reciprocate. I sent a melodramatic email about how vulnerable I felt around him. I was offering to give him gifts. Basically I was acting like I was not enough and had to make him see my worth. It was just way too much! And as easy as it would be to blame him for this, I know that much of this was in my control. I was so scared of losing that connection with him, that I did way too much to cling to it.

 

The last time I saw him, I didn't bring up what we were doing but we did have a conversation where I kind of nagged him about things he did in the past. I was in a grumpy mood that weekend and it just came out. The nagging was very brief, like a few minutes and was said very jokingly. I could tell it put him off but he treated me respectfully and I figured all was okay. Right before he dropped me off, he did tell me that it did bother him and would like me to stop. We had an honest conversation about it, and all seemed fine. We exchanged a few friendly texts like normal that week and that was it!

 

I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks and I haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks. I just realized over the past week that my behaviors came off as too intense and needy, and that I expected way too much from him (and he's not even my boyfriend). I am disheartened that he hasn't contacted me and I will not contact him. He's shown me during those last 6 weeks that he's perfectly capable of contacting me without me initiating and how much he does genuinely enjoy being with me. And I do know that he views our connection as unique and special. He had voiced concerns several times that I seemed desperate for a relationship and lonely. The last time was a month ago. I told him I didn't feel that way, but he said my actions came across as otherwise. This conversation happened around 3am so I didn't take what he said seriously or thought he was just being weird, but now I can completely see how my actions come across as clingy and desperate. I'm a very independent person. I am very social, have a full-time job, go out with friends almost every night, have traveled the world by myself (been to 5 continents in the last several years and I'm in my mid-20s), moved to another country where I knew nobody (where I met this guy)... I'm not needy or clingy, my actions just came off that way. Any chance I can turn this around or have I really screwed myself with this guy?

Edited August 26, 2014 by kumar123

[d0nnivain]

If somehow you get back together will you be able to refrain from asking where this is going until he brings it up? You may have to wait 6+ months. He may never have the talk but still call you his GF or do other things to make you know you are important without sitting down & discussing it.

 

For now, live your life. Go out. Have fun. Show him that you are independent but do not tell him you are changing.

[PegNosePete]

begged and cried to be my friend, claiming how amazing and important I am to him and how he CANNOT lose me from his life.

Wow, he sounds really needy.

 

he hasn't contacted me and I will not contact him

Then your options for a continued relationship are kind of limited.

[kumar123]

Wow, he sounds really needy.

 

 

Then your options for a continued relationship are kind of limited.

 

Well, I texted him about 2 weeks ago. We exchanged a few friendly texts. He asked me a question. I replied, and he never wrote me back. It was his turn to reply, and I am usually the one making the effort with texting and stuff. I believe that I should allow him to make the effort, and give him space to do that, if he decides it's what he wants to do.

 

I've made it very clear he's important to me and how I feel. So I feel the ball is in his court.

[isisisweeping]

You may have come across as needy, but honestly this guy seems a little off and like he's not really sure what he wants anyways.

 

I would not pursue where you always have to be on eggshells about the right way to be.