I want to ask something about BPD and mental disorders.

[mafia1]

Thank you.

 

Yeah i sure do need something better because after all the pain i've been through i think i did everything i should. I never ever lied to her for anything. Not even if i know she will get mad at something. I know that you should do your living always facing the consequences and not be afraid to tell the truth.

 

This is causing the pain i feel. I've always been honest, i never ever thought about to be with somebody else when i was with her because if i want to i'll first tell her.

Oh boy, i ever proposed to her before the things started to fall apart. Not for real like a engagement ring because i don't have the money now and i just wanted her to know how special she is for me. I wrote a whole book with my love confessions for her, decorated it my self and made an origami engagement ring. I thought it would mean something... it did back then. She told me she will only say yes when i got the real ring. We made plans to live together after the summer and stuff.

 

And now everything is gone... It must have been easier if i only knew that it just was not meant to be. But after knowing she left me for the second time for another man... it is not easy at all. I'm mad at her but i'm madder at myself. Should have known back then that liers do not change. I'll surely know that for the future.

[salparadise]

Right now, your love, empathy and concern is overriding your logic. You know she is not good for you, but that feeling is not strong enough to inspire a definitive & clear decision in your mind. Let me tell you that it is only a matter of time. You will have a breaking point. You will have something that clicks in you where your desire to protect yourself will override any worry or concern that you have for her. At that point, you will only want to get away. I don't think you're there yet.

 

You are sympathetic to her because you have normal feelings, emotions and reactions. It is only natural that we don't want the ones we love to suffer. But she is not your responsibility. It's a very sad and hopeless situation, but it is not one you signed up for. Let her family and parents worry about her. If they have already given up on her, it's very likely she will use her skills of lying and manipulation to find another source.

 

Excellent post Quiet Storm. People who have had to deal with a loved one with BPD eventually come to these understandings. It's sad, but unfortunately it's not something you can fix through love and understanding, and you can't absorb their treatment indefinitely and remain healthy. When you assert your boundaries in an attempt to redefine the dynamic for self-protection, instead of rationally thinking "ok, now I get it. I must treat this loved one with respect and consideration because they have reached their limit, and if I don't they will have to leave me," they often become enraged, more demanding, and project their intolerable fear (usually expressed in vitriolic ways) onto the people who actually love them the most.

 

It's irrational and it's not resolvable. Those are facts that the partners/family members eventually have to come to terms with. Appeasement does not work, it enables. This is difficult to comprehend emotionally for those who haven't been through it. If it's a family member, all you can do is lovingly assert healthy boundaries and try to be empathetic as they push away and destroy the relationship in their dysfunctional attempt to force a relationship on their terms, with no boundaries. If it's a romantic relationship you can [must] lovingly and sadly let them go, eventually understanding that it's really all you can do short of dedicating your life to tolerating the intolerable and never being able to actually help, only enable.

 

BPD occurs in degrees, on a continuum of severity. The more extreme cases are obvious and so dysfunctional that people usually disengage sooner rather than later. The milder forms are tougher in a sense because loved ones (codependents) are alternately idolized and devalued and experience a cycle of confusion. Just when you think things seem to be going well and there is hope... boom! **** hits the fan and it's crazy time again. Learning to assert healthy boundaries is the survival skill everyone should master. It's really the best you can do for the BPD and yourself.