I want to ask something about BPD and mental disorders.

[mafia1]

Hi there.

 

I have doubts that my gf / exgf ( i don't really know right now?) have BPD. You can read my topic if you want.

 

Anyways since i first had thoughts about it i simply can't stop reading about BPD and other mental problems.

 

Anyway i just thought that everybody, i mean everybody (even i) have some sort or mental problems. I'm sure what i'm saying because after a lot of thinking i couldn't figure out somebody i know that DON'T have any problems at all.

 

As for myself i have hypochondria and i was diagnosed with it but i manage to get it under control without meds.

 

I mean everybody have their issues no matter they are BPD, hypochondria, bipolarity etc.

 

And all i red so far is "run, run like hell away from those people" I red all the stuff about issues that men can have from parents, childhood etc. I mean does it ever exist a perfect childhood that could not traumatize you for the future?

 

Yeah, everybody decides what's best for them and everybody is giving an advice that you should be happy with yourself. I'm not religious or something but i think we all have our purpose on earth but at most we are here to help each other. Without helping i strongly doubt that the world will exist.

 

A quick example - this Ebola ****. I mean i don't really think that people who are there helping do it because they are happy to do it because there is a real chance that they could die from this. But they are there helping.

 

My parents are divorced. I've never had any real support from them except money/food. I've been actually abused all the time by my mother that always have beaten the **** out of me for no reason!

But somehow i grow up pretty normal. Not doing drugs, not gay, not ever thought about suicide and stuff.

 

 

My point is why is everybody saying to run far away from people with mental issues when you could try to really help them? You might not be the happiest person in the world but wouldn't it be pretty selfish to just run away and search for your happiness? Does anybody even know if they will be happier to run away or try to help his loved one overcome his or hers problem and be happier at the end?

 

I think that more of the half of us have parents with some kind of mental issues as well. But we are here, right? So they made it somehow...

 

P.S. Don't get me wrong. I'm only talking for the light disorders, not the serious ones like schizophrenia that require serious medical help.

Edited August 26, 2014 by mafia1

[amaysngrace]

Sure everybody can use a friend and people with mental illness are no different but if that person won't try to help themselves it's not your place to fix them.

 

In fact, in time, you may end up being the one who needs fixing because they can drag you down.

 

Dr Phil says "it's better to be well alone than sick with someone else" and I think that's good advice.

 

My cousin Rita says "no pussy is worth crazy" and I think that's solid advice too.

 

Why don't you want somebody who is mentally healthy? There's plenty of those out there...they're called normal. Do you need drama to feel alive or something?

 

Because that sucks if you do...

[mafia1]

No i sure do not want drama. In fact i'm very calm person, i'm not easily bothered by anything because my life moto is "why should i care about stuff that does not bother me". I mean i like to live really calmly. I'm not much of a doer, maybe a thinker. I like to think things over and over before i do them.

 

I know that i can't help anybody that does not want any help and i'll never do it. I just thought IF your loved one especially gf/bf have such an issue and does accept your help why should you run away from him instead of trying to help?

 

I'm aware of the fact that if they do not admit that they have a problem and do not want any help you should go away for your own good.

[Missy0724]

I can see both sides of this... There is drama and then there is DRAMA.

 

My most recent relationship (broken up for two months now and doing SO MUCH better -yippeee!) was full of drama. He was a recovering "sex addict, drug, alcohol addict". What ever the F that means. He has a lot of emotional issues, insecure, codependent (because of parents, spoiled, raised with a ton of money, no boundaries, rules) His parents still "support" him in some ways, and he's a 40 year old man. Just that alone - I had no respect for and rubbed me the wrong way...Anyway - he cheated on his beautiful wife and four children, so she divorced him. He continually "blamed" her and his parents for "abandoning" him during his life, and especially his wife, for not being his "friend" after he cheated (with prostitutes mind you, and HER BEST FRIEND-hello) and for not trying to reconcile.

 

But when I met him, he was in therapy, had gone thru rehab, living his life (so I thought) in a pretty positive way, moving forward. He said he was ready for a relationship, an exclusive, close relationship. So we entered into one... Well, months later the DRAMA began. He was NOT over the ex, very very angry at her, found out that why he in therapy, talking about her every week. After two years they've been apart... and he's in a relationship with me, telling me he loves me, blah blah blah.

 

His family drama, his drama with his ex wife, got to be too much. He SO dependent on them, what they think, him trying to impress them, get them to "understand" his addictions, get me to accept and understand his addictions. That done of it his fault, it's a "disease". Yeah, choosing to be with hookers and your wife's best friend is a disease. Um no, that's called a choice.

 

Sure, we all have issues. We all have our pasts. I was raised in a VERY dysfunctional family, no mother, father out to lunch, no emotion or affection or attention, everyone so disconnected. Step mother was emotionally and physically abusive. So I left when I was 17.

 

It has definitely affected me. But I make the choice now (sure made a lot of poor personal choices in my teens, 20's) as a mature adult to NOT LET IT DEFINE ME, and I try to leave the drama out of my life.

 

There is drama and there are life challenges. There is a big difference. And how you handle situations, how you react, if you blame others, if you blame the past, or if you rise above it, and take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY and live for TODAY. And make yourself a better person, treat others better than how you were treated, learn from the mistakes of your parents, DO NOT repeat history. It CAN BE DONE. It really is a choice.

 

And if you are struggling with your issues - go to therapy, get on some medication, exercise, meditate, journal, try yoga, be with friends, travel, stay active. And FORGIVE those who have hurt you. And make amends, say YOU ARE SORRY and mean it, to those you are hurt, instead of being so damn selfish and blaming other people when you do wrong. Stop blaming our childhoods, our parents.

 

Because YES, we are ALL from dysfunction! This is part of being a human being! No one is completely mentally "normal". That is BS. It is how you live your life, the choices you make, the words that come out of your mouth, how you treat others, make them feel, how you love yourself, that matters. That is what defines "healthy" IMO.

[Emilia]

I just thought IF your loved one especially gf/bf have such an issue and does accept your help why should you run away from him instead of trying to help?

In the case of BPD it's because the vast majority (thought to be over 90%) will not be able to get on top of it, not even with therapy.

[mafia1]

Thanks for sharing your story. It was very helpful and in fact i feel like i need to share a little bit of mine too.

 

Divorced parents, tough childhood blah blah. Then when i was 16 years old i was left completely alone to deal with life. Hell i didn't even knew how to clean my house. So i started to learn things about life when my friends were out there partying. I payed my bills, cooked my meal, cleaned my house... I was 16 y.o. adult.

I got 20 y.o. dealing with life but with very very very very little confidence. I weighted 100 kg. and i was only 174 cm. tall. All i did was blame others and my life for everything.

However i decided to make a sudden change in my life and moved to another country to live with my father after all those years. I started working, lost 25 kg. and somehow i got a confidence boost. I spend 1 year there and decided to return to my home country to educate myself at the university. Then i met the most beautiful and lovely girl in the world.

 

Now i'm 24 y.o. a year away from graduation, i had plans for my life including my gf but she dumped me for the 100th time, i found out that maybe she have BPD and i am completely lost and confused what the hell should i do now. I figured it out back then so i'm sure i'll do it again now. I just need to overcome this tough time for me right now and i don't know how.

 

I know i need to carry on. In fact i felt it even when we were together because of all the DRAMA in our relationship. I just couldn't do it. I'm somehow relieved that now i can go on but in the same time i want her back again because we spend 4 years together and that's not a short time. Now with this possible BPD i just don't know what to do. I don't know if i can help her even if she let me to.

 

I have very mixed feelings right now. I feel i should move on and find somebody new in the process, yet i love her and i still want her back. But i'm afraid all this could happen again in the future and i'll be in the same place that i am right now...

[Emilia]

Now i'm 24 y.o. a year away from graduation, i had plans for my life including my gf but she dumped me for the 100th time, i found out that maybe she have BPD and i am completely lost and confused what the hell should i do now. I figured it out back then so i'm sure i'll do it again now. I just need to overcome this tough time for me right now and i don't know how.

 

I know i need to carry on. In fact i felt it even when we were together because of all the DRAMA in our relationship. I just couldn't do it. I'm somehow relieved that now i can go on but in the same time i want her back again because we spend 4 years together and that's not a short time. Now with this possible BPD i just don't know what to do. I don't know if i can help her even if she let me to.

 

I have very mixed feelings right now. I feel i should move on and find somebody new in the process, yet i love her and i still want her back. But i'm afraid all this could happen again in the future and i'll be in the same place that i am right now...

 

You can't have a stable relationship with a BPDer, she will leave you eventually. In a mentally and emotionally worse state than you have ever been in.

[preraph]

No, not everyone has mental disorders. There are several traits and every person has some percentage of the trait, but unless they have a very high percentage of a trait or traits, it doesn't cause problems in their coping and living their lives.

 

Hypochondria is definitely a problem and one you should address with a psychologist. I'm glad you find your life is otherwise under control though, but that's no reason not to deal with something that could affect you adversely your whole life and affect your children. You will pass fears down to your children or might even use them to get the attention you get from hypochondria.

[mafia1]

I guess you're talking that i'll feel bad because i'll be mad at myself that i allowed this to happen again, right?

 

Because i've felt a lot of times by now the feelings of separation and i just don't seem to care anymore about it. All i do seem to carry is that i feel like i lost myself along the way and i lost a part of my life planning things ahead that included her...

 

Could you please check my last post in my other topic because i need an advice pretty a.s.a.p. Thank you.

[preraph]

I tried to amend my last post above after I reread your post carefully and saw you felt you had dealt with your hypochrondria but the editor wouldn't let me. Sorry about that. But I still think you will have to be careful not to instill irrational fears onto your children.

[salparadise]

Anyway i just thought that everybody, i mean everybody (even i) have some sort or mental problems. I'm sure what i'm saying... I mean everybody have their issues no matter they are BPD, hypochondria, bipolarity etc.

 

No, that is simply not true. The National Institute of Mental Health says that 4.1 percent of adults in the US suffer from serious mental health issues in a given year.

 

My point is why is everybody saying to run far away from people with mental issues when you could try to really help them? You might not be the happiest person in the world but wouldn't it be pretty selfish to just run away and search for your happiness? Does anybody even know if they will be happier to run away or try to help his loved one overcome his or hers problem and be happier at the end?

 

1. you can't fix them
   
2. they will blame you––for everything
   
3. they will make you miserable
   
4. miserable is not good
   
5. choosing misery is insane
   

 

My cousin Rita says "no pussy is worth crazy"

 

Rita is a smart cookie.

[Quiet Storm]

My sister has BPD and while I love her, empathize with her, and understand that her BPD stems from child molestation that was absolutely not her fault, I cannot have a close relationship with her. For my own sanity, I have to keep my distance.

 

Her BPD started in her teens, and she is now mid 30s. So it's been twenty years of this. She has even been to one of the top psych hospitals in the nation (Sheppard Pratt) for inpatient treatment. Although she has calmed slightly from her early years, the thought processes- the black & white thinking, the fear of abandonment, the paranoia, the self centeredness, the manipulation- has not gotten better. I could write pages about the stuff she has put my parents, me, her child and her exes through.

 

She is pretty and can be very sweet, so she has no problems finding men. Each man thinks he can be the one to calm her, comfort her, nurture her and take care of her. They think, "I can deal with a little drama!" By the end they are doing everything they can to get away from her without being harmed or without her killing herself.

 

BPD's are so selfish that they cannot see past their own hurt, pain or whatever feelings they are having at that moment. This means that everyone- even her own son- becomes collateral damage. In her dramas or rages, only her feelings matter. She wants everyone to hurt like she hurts. Lying & manipulating is her default operating mode, and any actions- no matter how terrible- are justified in her mind.

 

BPD is not just something like low self esteem that can be helped with therapy. It's not a chemical imbalance that can be cured with medication. It is their personality and their character, and the very nature of who they are. In my sister's case, she doesn't want to be that way, she wants to be normal. But she is just not capable of it. Her emotions will always override her logic and intellect, and many times those emotions are not based in reality, but on assumptions or suspicions. She acts very much like a child. The difference is that we can teach a two year old not to fall to the floor in tears when we tell them "NO". With BPD, they are a complete slave to their emotions.

 

I think you should definitely move on. I don't think you will ever be able to have a healthy relationship with her. Please do not have kids with her. No child deserves a BPD mother, and that dynamic will give kids emotional issues that are very difficult to overcome.

[carhill]

OP, I'll share a simple comment our MC, who in his other life handled criminal forensic psychology, shared with us:

 

"If a behavior inhibits the formation and/or maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny"

 

He wasn't speaking strictly about marriage, which was our reason for seeing him, but rather in general. He mentioned that due to my exW's assertions that I was clinically depressed. He took that in and did an independent assessment and, in the course of it, the quote came up.

 

Regarding BPD, I have two simple examples from personal experience that might provide guidance.

 

1. If often tell a friend that, if his wife starts consistently treating me well, I'll warn him because his death is imminent. It's said as a joke but the meaning behind it is clear.

 

2. When she throws something at me, I flinch instinctively, because I sincerely don't know whether it'll be a bag of candy or a knife.

 

I cared for a paraphrenic, which is a subset of dementia, with psychosis, and came to understand that flavor of mental illness pretty well. The person could fondle me one minute and hurl expletives at me or kick me the next. All of that from the person who gave birth to me and, by all accounts, raised me in a healthy and loving home. That's what brain disease can do to a person.

 

There are billions of people in the world and my advice is not to dwell on this; simply take in the information, use it to refine your personal boundaries, and move forward. Endeavor to be the healthiest person you can be and accept that you have no control over others, only your reaction to them, and life. Good luck!

[mafia1]

Thanks for the interesting yet moving replies.

 

I can deal with myself and i can move on but tell me how to deal with the pain i have for her.

I'm in pain for her really because if she have BPD, i doubt that anybody could handle her behavior and she will end up alone. After everything i've been through with her, all the ups and down i still love her very, very much, She is my first love and it's so painful to think that she could never have the chance to spend her life in happiness with someone else.

 

I can deal with my feelings and i can carry on like i did before, but how can i overcome my fear for her. I'm in pain almost like i'm the one with BPD...

[Quiet Storm]

You have to learn to detach emotionally.

 

It is not easy. At one point my sister's doctors told my parents that there is a good chance she will commit suicide, as hers is a severe case and an estimated 10% of BPD sufferer's end their lives. My parents had to accept that, and understand that there really is nothing they can do to change it.

 

My sister also abuses drugs or alcohol. I have already accepted in my mind, many years ago, that she will likely die from suicide, an accident, or the damage she has done to herself from years of alcohol & drug abuse. It's hard to admit that, but it's true. I have already prepared myself for that ending, and while it will hurt, it will not be unexpected.

 

My sister may end up alone because she has alienated her loved ones. All of her friends eventually give up on her, and although she can easily find new ones, they don't last. They eventually realize she is not right mentally and distance themselves.

 

I do understand that you love her, but you can love someone and still accept that they will never be healthy partner for anyone. The fact that she will end up alone does not mean you should tolerate a relationship with her. Loving someone does not mean you must subject yourself to their disorder.

 

Right now, your love, empathy and concern is overriding your logic. You know she is not good for you, but that feeling is not strong enough to inspire a definitive & clear decision in your mind. Let me tell you that it is only a matter of time. You will have a breaking point. You will have something that clicks in you where your desire to protect yourself will override any worry or concern that you have for her. At that point, you will only want to get away. I don't think you're there yet.

 

You are sympathetic to her because you have normal feelings, emotions and reactions. It is only natural that we don't want the ones we love to suffer. But she is not your responsibility. It's a very sad and hopeless situation, but it is not one you signed up for. Let her family and parents worry about her. If they have already given up on her, it's very likely she will use her skills of lying and manipulation to find another source.

 

The best way to detach is to just keep telling yourself that it is hopeless, she's a lost a cause, she's not your problem, etc. Do not engage with her at all because it will just make it worse for both of you. If you want to help a BPD get over you, a clean break with no further contact is the best way. It sounds harsh and heartless, but that's what it comes down to in many cases, for many families.

 

The homeless people that we see in the streets- many of them are mentally ill people that their family & loved ones have given up on. It doesn't mean their families don't love them, but they just do not have the resources or capability to handle them. You can only take so many years of rages, attacks, drunken assaults, suicide threats/attempts, being stolen from, etc. before a spouse or family says "Enough". Our mental health system sucks, so many of those that need inpatient treatment are simply kept in the hospital for three days and put out on the street. It is a horrible situation, but it's the reality many have to deal with and accept.

 

Sorry you are dealing with this. I know it's heartbreaking. Hang in there.

[mafia1]

Thanks for your reply. It was very helpful and inspiring.

 

I guess i'll need time to figure out my feelings.

Four years are neither long nor a short time though. I must admit that i had periods when i was in the relationship thinking to my self that i just need to get out, i need to run like hell yet stayed. Back then i've never heard of this condition and just thought she is what she is.

Don't get me wrong, i don't even know if she has BPD or it is just her own thing. I hope i am wrong and she is healthy person and things just didn't worked out.

 

She never had suicidal thoughts , neither she claimed that she will harm herself somehow.

Some of the things ive observed through the years are:

 

- If i skipped a call, she would just proceed to call me excessive amount of times.

- If i chose to go out with a buddy of mine she got mad because i could've spend that time with her.

- She even dumped me once because i was talking to a female co-workers of mine?!? Later she said that she saw i have plenty of friends and i obviously don't need her ...... ?!?

- She often didn't respect that i have work and can't talk right now. It felt like i should quit working just to talk to her on the phone.

- She dumped me every time we had more severe argument. Dumped me for a day or so but still...

 

I'm not sure that i should write more but i need to point the most concerning thing for me - I've often felt like i'm crazy with this whole thing. I mean i really thought that there was a possibility that i have some sort of mental illness because couldn't find any other reason of her behavior.

 

Still i say i cannot be sure if she have BPD or it was just her thing, maybe i'll never know. Maybe you could share an opinion regarding the facts i mentioned above.

[carhill]

There's a book that is titled, IIRC, 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'

 

Read it.

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like she has abandonment issues and could be using the breakups as a manipulation tactic. It could be BPD, but may be just immaturity and low self esteem.

 

My sister started with bulimia in early teens, was cutting, used drugs and alcohol, multiple suicide threats and attempts, constant mood swings going from crying to raging in anger. She also had early sexual abuse, which is common in BPD. So my sisters behavior was more extreme than what you are describing.

 

I do think there are many undiagnosed BPD, and in past generations I think cases of "hysteria" and nervous breakdowns were likely BPD.

 

The thing is though, she doesn't have to be diagnosed for you to realize she's not good for you. You are analyzing and trying to figure her out, and while its good to educate yourself, remember these are her issues to work on.

 

Does she even admit that she has issues?

[mafia1]

Not really.

 

In fact i remember sometimes that after i fight when i decided to cool off the situation and asking something completely normal, she started crying and telling me i was abusing her mentally and i must have some sort of mental illness.

 

Pretty much like " How do you feel right now?" "Leave me alone, why are you tormenting me so much, you must be some kind of crazy to do this to me!"

 

I remember also she constantly made up stuff i said just to use it as she wanted in the specific situation.

Something like: "Don't worry, i will not go there with him." As simple as that. And later "Why did you lie to me that you will not go there? NO, you told me you would not go there! I cannot trust you anymore."

 

But simply i told that i would not go there with HIM. You get the point.

Edited August 26, 2014 by mafia1

[carhill]

If you only felt you were going crazy when with her, there's your sign. Immerse in it long enough and you will go 'crazy'. Back when I was dealing with it, I called it 'caregiver crazy'. Very real stuff, to the point I was taking anti-psychotics. That was when I knew it was time for a locked facility. Self-preservation kicked in.

 

IMO, unless this is a spouse or family member, and you're committed for better or worse and in sickness or in health, fuggetabout it and move on.

[todreaminblue]

i was diagnosed as schizo affective pretty serious drugs needed ....drugs make me crazy...i believe i am a disasociative personality...due to extreme trauma..in fact i would stake my life on it....the shrinks disagree........

 

 

i do actually take offense to the no pussy is worth crazy comment...its hurtful.......i actually try and help people.......even when i am down ill put what i feel aside to help another.....not all crazy are worthless people to be in relationships with ....everyone is unique and as another poster said there is drama and there are life challenges ....some people have more challenges in life than the next person and shouldnt be judged.....

 

 

i can be in a long term relationship in fact i like it no other way..i am extremely hard to budge out of one.....i can maintain a relationship long past its due point....which is a problem i guess i fight so hard.........i am considered nuts....but with those that love me they would have me no other way.....i cant tell you about your gf .....i dont know her neither does anyone else on here....but you do..if it feels wrong what she does ...then what she is doing is wrong for you.....you should never stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy the majority of the time.....with a crazy person or a normal person if you are unhappy then that needs to be dealt with ...if ti means leaving then so be it......

 

some people do like drama....and they dont have to be crazy to like drama it is just part of their personality that thrives on contention.....

 

 

some people attract drama like a magnet......they may not even like drama but because of their ability to handle drama people come to them with their dramas for advice and guidance....hence attracting drama to them, to fix drama rather than create it...........

 

whatever your gf is or was or shall be isnt dependent on you .....what is dependent on you is if you stay and try to see it through see if she can obtain a good therapist or psyche evaluation..... .....or another option is if you decide you have had enough and you end it........whatever you decide its on you...but you have to be happy in a relationship you have to see it is worth the fight..it is worth fixing..that you can work out the drama or if they are just life challenges.......maybe it is worth it...i cant say ......but you can......if you just feel drained and unhappy....then it isnt for you...deb

Edited August 26, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Missy0724]

I'm sorry, too, you are feeling so awful. We've all been there. I've been there recently, and still recovering.

 

The reality is and maybe this won't help, but I'm sometimes a "tough love" kind of person, with my advice: You are young! Unfortunately the reality is, it IS very likely to happen again! If you take your time to heal from this heartache in a healthy way, you WILL heal. Time is your best friend now. And then you will meet someone new, be in a relationship, be happy, but then things will fall apart for whatever reason. This happens. This is life and part of the journey. Part of learning, falling down, getting back up, learning from those relationships that didn't work, were unhealthy, etc. Finding out about OURSELVES, our part in why they did not work, and GROWING emotionally.

 

And then someday when the timing is right, we will meet that right person who is meant to stick around. It's just not today! Or with this person! If they were the right person, if it was a good, healthy relationship, with two healthy people giving and taking equally, then you would BE TOGETHER. But you are not. And why be with someone who does not want you, or vice versa. Someone who does not make you happy? Sure a relationship has ups and downs. But when you are more unhappy than happy, it is time to reevaluate. And possibly move on. And that is OK.

 

The pain will subside. If you do the work. Accept it's over, take time for YOU, keep busy, make personal goals, vent and be with friends, laugh, go for a hike, exercise, join some Meetups, vent on here... :-) That is all part of the work, therapy, to help you move on! and it will! If you do it, and NOT contact her, stay away from her. This NC REALLY REALLY WORKS. I didn't think so either, but I am doing it, and feeling better after two months! From a 10 month relationship with someone I was deeply in love with. But in time discovered it not healthy or did not make either one of us truly happy. And that is OK. We both need to move on, so we can find that person who DOES make us happy. And in the mean time, nothing wrong with being alone with our thoughts, our friends, our hobbies, our jobs, school, pets, family, alone time, exercise, trying new things, etc. JUST LIVING. And in time you will feel stronger and good about YOU. LOVE YOU and take care of YOU. That is our job - to take of ourselves. Because in reality, no one else is going to do it.

 

A relationship is an ADDITION to an already good life, that you should have in place. And that takes time, and maturity. That is why most people go thru many relationships. Heartache, pain, heal.... then go thru it again.... This is how it goes! And that is OK. We all go thru it. We are never alone!

 

But we MUST - so someday we can find that relationship that is healthy. It's all about timing!!!

 

Keep the faith! Stay strong! Stay NC! If someone wants you and wants to work it out - they should be able to tell you. If not, then they don't want it bad enough. Pretty simple!!! And BOTH people have to want that...or it will NEVER work.

[mafia1]

I've been NC for 6 days now.

I had doubts that she might left me for someone else, but i managed them to be just thoughts and i was feeling actually fine.

 

Now, today, i know and i am sure she left me for somebody else. Funny thing is she tried to be with that person when we were separated but things didn't worked out. So she told me there was no point to try again with him and she wanted to be with me.

 

Now i feel like i've been living a lie a whole year because i know now that she possibly never stopped thinking about that person and she might be in love now. Funny thing is that actually he might not want to be with her, so she left me only to be inlove with him and broken hearted that they could not be together.

 

How should i call that? Should i expect that she breaks NC again to try to be with me? I'm not hoping for that really, she left me for another guy years ago and i forgived, but she left me for another guy again and i doubt that i'll ever forgive. But she broke NC then so i suppose she might do it after some time again.

 

Anyways... i couldn't sleep last night again. Now that i found out the truth... i feel pain, shaking like i am cold and i don't feel fine at all...

[dreamingoftigers]

In the case of BPD it's because the vast majority (thought to be over 90%) will not be able to get on top of it, not even with therapy.

 

*coughs*

 

The odds are A LOT better than that.

But traditional "talk therapy" and medication is ineffective.

 

In fact, if given CBT/DBT combo then the relapse rates are under 1/3.

 

Although exciting news, a new type of EFT has proven far more effective than CBT. Treating an emotional disorder by training damaged people to discover, validate and soothe their hurt feelings while receiving some actual self-esteem support without shamefully labelling them. Whoda thunk it?

 

BPD is an easy scapegoat in a world full of narcisscism.

 

Yes, BPD is Hell for both those that have it and those that are eith them.

I recently lost a friend who had it. She burned to death in a fire in April.

She had the worst case of it I had ever seen.

It was so bad that I picked up on it and mentally registered it in about 5-10 mins. After she stayed at ny place for a bit I felt like my emotions were kind of "pushed and pulled and swirled around for a few weeks.

 

Charming, helpless, devastated, light as air, wanting to go home but feeling trapped when she was there, constantly trying to numb the pain, wanting to feel loved so bad but unable to even figure out where to start, razor-sharp instincts, entitlement, irresponsible and easily hurt is how I would describe her.

 

Like a lost child in a woman's body. Her death hit me pretty hard. The difference between her and me (aside from her good looks) was that I ended up receiving help and my case got better (I swear by the Grace of God). She didn't. She never found that peace and then she died. I just found a note from her two days ago. Any health care practitioner worth their salt could have gotten her some real resources. She slipped through the cracks.

 

Don't knowingly get involved with BPD in an intimate way. It sets you both up for heartache. The BPD person often can't handle the relationship either. The emotional stress of just day to day closeness and apartness is almost too much to deal with past the honeymoon stage.

 

My general recommendation is that if you walk away from a date feeling engaged but really "swirled around" or anxious on the inside, don't date that person.

 

A first date and even second can be minorly nervous but if you are just feeling hot/cold/hot/cold/sad/happy/sympathy/happy/stressed/happy/horny all in 10 minutes around your date and the topics or actions they do: it feels really exciting at first but then it becomes a real issue.

 

Be with people that can be calm and comfortable. Feel calm and comfortable around them. Not like "no attraction/boring" but not like, " so I am so interesting bevause I have done EVERYTHING under the Sun because I lack focus and a sense of self, so I seek constant new stimulation. By the way my last ex was abusive/crazy. I am just in a bad position/stressed right now."

 

Watch out for the victim mentality. "Oh if I coul only find a nice girl/guy then eberythibg would be perfect."

[dreamingoftigers]

I've been NC for 6 days now.

I had doubts that she might left me for someone else, but i managed them to be just thoughts and i was feeling actually fine.

 

Now, today, i know and i am sure she left me for somebody else. Funny thing is she tried to be with that person when we were separated but things didn't worked out. So she told me there was no point to try again with him and she wanted to be with me.

 

Now i feel like i've been living a lie a whole year because i know now that she possibly never stopped thinking about that person and she might be in love now. Funny thing is that actually he might not want to be with her, so she left me only to be inlove with him and broken hearted that they could not be together.

 

How should i call that? Should i expect that she breaks NC again to try to be with me? I'm not hoping for that really, she left me for another guy years ago and i forgived, but she left me for another guy again and i doubt that i'll ever forgive. But she broke NC then so i suppose she might do it after some time again.

 

Anyways... i couldn't sleep last night again. Now that i found out the truth... i feel pain, shaking like i am cold and i don't feel fine at all...

 

I am so so sorry you are in this pain right now.

Heartbreak is awful. And even worse when it is done through betrayal.

 

Please decide not to put yourself in a position wjete she will break yiur heart again.

 

Look at some really nice things you can do for yourself at this time.

 

Your love and devotion weren't a lie regardless of what she was doing. Focus on that. Thw ways that you were a good bf and don't waste those traits on someone (her) who doesn't appreciate that.

 

Treat yourself like yiu deserve so much better and you will attract it in the future.