Author banini_jeque Posted September 29, 2014 Author Posted September 29, 2014 I don't know, I just felt like she didn't really get why I was taking the space for myself. Like perhaps she thinks I'm being vindictive and that I hate her for what she's done to me. I also felt bad because she quit going to any of the activities that we used to do, and I know she wants to go, but probably feels awkward going because I don't talk to her, and because she probably thinks that all of our mutual friends hate her too. In fact, they all love her, and miss seeing her, but she's likely too withdrawn to reach out to them. But, those are her hangups, I guess I don't need to concern myself with those right now.
slouch Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Man, I have to say, I really relate to your post. I didn't date at all in my teens or early 20s- I'm 26 now. I met a girl last year and our relationship was exactly what I wanted, but not what she wanted. She ended things in April, and I'm still feeling the pain of the break-up. Part of that is because she was my first, and that's brought up a lot of complex emotions. I now regret waiting so long to start dating, because I feel that if I had gone through this at a younger age, I would be able to cope with it better. I'd be able to completely change my life situation. Now, I'm trapped in a job and a flat that constantly remind me of her, and the friends who would have supported me have all moved on or are settled. I can't offer any advice- but I do sympathise with you. It's a bad place to be.
Author banini_jeque Posted October 1, 2014 Author Posted October 1, 2014 I guess today is day 40, but for some reason I thought yesterday was. Alright so I was thinking about absolutes and adjustments today. Adjustments are like this: I fell in love with and got to know this person as someone who was totally nuts about me. Then she changed into someone who wasn't in love with me, and I tried to adjust my feelings and expectations. Absolutes play into it this way: it makes adjusting really hard if you don't know what to adjust to, and if the person leaves hints that they may still be interested, and won't give you an absolute yes or no, then you won't know what to adjust to, and you'll hope that you don't need to adjust. After a while, it hurts to much and makes you feel ill, so you give up and take matters into your own hands by cutting them out of your life.
Itspointless Posted October 1, 2014 Posted October 1, 2014 if the person leaves hints that they may still be interested, and won't give you an absolute yes or no, then you won't know what to adjust to, and you'll hope that you don't need to adjust. After a while, it hurts to much and makes you feel ill, so you give up and take matters into your own hands by cutting them out of your life. True. (10 characters)
Author banini_jeque Posted October 2, 2014 Author Posted October 2, 2014 Alright, so, she texted me again tonight. She said she missed me and hoped I was doing well. And... I decided to respond. It's been 40 days, I'm convinced my head is in the right place to say what I said, so I said it, and I feel fine about it. I told her that I know she misses me, and that I miss her, but that I think things need to stay the way they are. I also had a tea date with a girl I met on tinder tonight, and called another girl that I met on okcupid, so I'm feeling good about things. I want to just play the field for a while, but I need to study up on how to manage that. I want to be honest with all the girls about what I'm doing, without hurting their feelings.
Author banini_jeque Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 Also this, possibly because I'm a Leo. I felt a deep sense of pride that I got to be her boyfriend, and that was one thing that really made it work for me. When she broke up with me, and worse when she eventually began to date someone else, that pride was quickly replaced by embarrassment. So I think part of the reason I can't be her friend is because I find it extremely embarrassing and beneath me.
Sam1986 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 I think I'm on day 38 now. It hit me this morning that maybe part of the reason that any reconciliation failed is because I joked around too much. For example, a month after we broke up she said she wished I was more communicative. All I said was that I'm a guy. I didn't ask what I could do to meet her needs. I could ask her about that now, but I still feel like it's too late, or too soon. I don't know how to reconcile the idea of her now having been with someone else, and that gets in the way of me wanting to communicate with her. Maybe it's a sign that I lack emotional maturity, or maybe the most mature thing is to continue what I'm doing now. If I dated and slept with some other girls, then would I feel okay with taking her back if the opportunity arose? And if so, what would that mean? I know that it's not necessarily good to dwell on stuff, but I think it is important to process it and accept responsibility for yourself. I know how you feel, since I'm on day 14 now myself and have had some seriously bad post-breakup phases before (where I got dumped). I am currently having the same problems as you, having a really hard time letting go and feeling a constant urge to text her to see if there's any hope out there. Try to stay strong and keep away from her, as it will eventually keep grinding at you and wear you down (in one of my earlier breakups, I was shattered and depressed for almost a year later, and I suspect that this can happen again now). I gave in to the temptation to text her yesterday, but she never replied to me being really uncomfortable about her dating a "friend" of mine within a week of our breakup. In my case, she instead only texts about her having had psychological issues in the post-breakup phase and thereby kind of shifting the blame onto me, without commenting on the breakdowns that I have had. It makes me feel ignored and useless, and the only positive thing that came out of it was that I yelled at her (on text) for treating me this way when she knows I have anxiety issues and a fear of girls leaving me and especially for someone else. Don't do it, really. I know the possessive feeling can linger for a long time, and the thing that finally helped me get over the ex that made me feel like crap for a year was that I finally yelled out all my resentment. It's not a good way to end things, and even though it helped it is better to totally cut any contact so that you are not fed tiny bits of information on her new relationship. This process might take a long time though, and I really suggest you try to see someone else if nothing else helps as it certainly eases the pain when your head is occupied with someone else, even if the new girl cannot completely fill the void. And for all you know, if things go really well the new girl might actually fill it.
Sam1986 Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Absolutes play into it this way: it makes adjusting really hard if you don't know what to adjust to, and if the person leaves hints that they may still be interested, and won't give you an absolute yes or no, then you won't know what to adjust to, and you'll hope that you don't need to adjust. That's why you need to cut contact. Again with my last breakup, I was devastated when she broke up with me but never had a breakdown in the coming week. Stupid as I was (since we really wanted to), I accepted a sort of friendship where she would shower me with attention if I tried to pull away, but also occasionally send signals that she was dating this "friend" of mine even though I signalled that I was extremely uncomfortable about it. She just kept feeding me hope though, and I even cooked her dinners with wine since she was really eager to be with me after our breakup. After our third "friend date", she broke the news to me and it shattered me fully, which then led to several major breakdowns on my part. Lesson learned: Do not keep contact, as you will be tempted with hope every now and then which builds your expectations, making the fall higher and higher in case she breaks your heart again. I really regret being held close by her and abandoning my initial plan of no contact, since I am in a far worse state now than I was then (when I didn't know about her new boyfriend). Keep strong!
Author banini_jeque Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 Thanks you guys, but you didn't read the whole thread. I made it 40 days, and when I finally did text, it was a nice way of telling her I wanted to continue not associating with her.
Frank2thepoint Posted October 5, 2014 Posted October 5, 2014 Maybe I wasn't able to show her how much I really loved her and cherished her for who she was, and she thought I was just with her because I felt like I couldn't get anything better. I often felt like she wasn't convinced when I said I loved her. Maybe if I write her a love letter it will convince her. Don't believe this. If you expressed your feelings, showed it, and made effort to be with her, then you did more than enough to prove your feelings. I too am currently recovering from a recent breakup. I had thought about what I did, if I was better able to explain how I felt when she felt unsure, and if it were to have happened differently, I would still be a relationship. I can confidently say that I conveyed and showed her my feelings through words and actions during the relationship. I told her that I know she misses me, and that I miss her, but that I think things need to stay the way they are. This is good, you established your boundaries. Keep it up. I want to just play the field for a while, but I need to study up on how to manage that. I want to be honest with all the girls about what I'm doing, without hurting their feelings. Playing the field and not hurting feelings do not go together. Although being up front about your intentions is good, don't expect that no one will get hurt. 1
Author banini_jeque Posted October 8, 2014 Author Posted October 8, 2014 In the event that this girl ever decides she wants to get me back, I've decided exactly what I will do. I'm going to tell her that the only way that would even be possible, is if she becomes close friends with my mom, and my mom tells me she's worth another chance. 1
Jet Lag Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 I feel that if I had gone through this at a younger age, I would be able to cope with it better. I wonder if I had gone through this at a younger age would it be easier too. I'm 47! Friends say it is hard no matter what your age.
Author banini_jeque Posted October 14, 2014 Author Posted October 14, 2014 Man, yesterday I was really feeling pretty sad about it all. We meant so much to each other and never had a real fight nor an argument before we broke up, and now we might not ever see or speak to each other again. It almost feels like mourning over someone who died. I've been dating and I've met 3 really cool girls, and it helps a lot, but man...
SoThatHappened Posted October 14, 2014 Posted October 14, 2014 It sounds like you're at (or getting close to) what I call the "realization stage." Initially after the breakup, you're shocked. Then after a few weeks, you're waiting on (and usually getting) breadcrumbs hoping they will come to their senses and come back. After a certain amount of time (it was about 10 weeks for me), it hits you that it's really over and there's no going back. That was harder on me than the initial breakup. But it passes, and was really the final stage for me. So, it may be good news that you're feeling this way. I think you're at this stage, and it gets much better after this stage. Stay strong. Hookup but don't get serious with a girl until you're healed from this. 1
Author banini_jeque Posted October 20, 2014 Author Posted October 20, 2014 She texts pretty consistently every two weeks give or take a couple of days. This weekend I got one that said she missed me and was listening to a song that made her think of me "a whole lot." Not the kind of text I would expect from just a friend, plus there's no way she could have played that particular song without knowing she would think of me while listening to it, and it's a fairly melancholicly romantic song too. Ugh. I didn't know what to say so I deleted it.
SoThatHappened Posted October 20, 2014 Posted October 20, 2014 Tell her to stop contacting you. Or, change your number. You're dragging this on. Well, she's stringing you along, keeping you on the back-burner. Become a ghost. That's the only way you will get past it. I let my recent ex string me along after we broke up the first time. I responded to texts and even phone calls for 2 months. Then we got back together ONLY after it didn't work out with the guy she was seeing. We got back together, only for her to hurt me again 7 months down the road. After this last time, I've become a ghost to her. I only made contact for housekeeping items. Haven't contacted her in 3 months, even after getting another breadcrumb about 6 weeks ago. I've become a ghost to her, and as a result, she's dead to me. I'm much better for going 100% complete NC. You will be too if you do everything you can to not be in any form of communication. I know NC is gospel on this forum, and sometimes people just say it because everyone else is saying it. Sometimes NC isn't the best answer. However, in cases like yours, it is the best answer. Act like she died. Become a ghost to her.
Author banini_jeque Posted October 20, 2014 Author Posted October 20, 2014 Well, I've only responded to one text, so I've been NC for last 2 months or so aside from that one response, in which I basically said things should stay how they were. I guess that could mean keep texting me every two weeks and I will continue to not respond. I kind of think of it as a tool to test how well I'm doing. Each time I get a text from her and see how it makes me feel. Maybe when one comes and I feel nothing, even a few days after getting it, I'll finally be there.
Author banini_jeque Posted October 24, 2014 Author Posted October 24, 2014 I'm fighting to decide if I should respond next time she texts. I don't want to go back to her, and I'm committed to moving on, but I don't think she's purposely trying to make that more difficult for me. If I did, then I would just continue to ignore, but I want to help her understand how it makes me feel when she texts breadcrumbs, and that she's going to be okay without me, and maybe one day we could be friends again, but possibly not, and certainly not right now and not for quite a while. I think she has a lot of personal issues that she needs to work out, and I worry sometimes that ignoring her makes that harder for her. I do need this space for me, but perhaps there is a boundary line somewhere where I can communicate these thoughts to her without really getting involved.
BC1980 Posted October 24, 2014 Posted October 24, 2014 I'm fighting to decide if I should respond next time she texts. I don't want to go back to her, and I'm committed to moving on, but I don't think she's purposely trying to make that more difficult for me. If I did, then I would just continue to ignore, but I want to help her understand how it makes me feel when she texts breadcrumbs, and that she's going to be okay without me, and maybe one day we could be friends again, but possibly not, and certainly not right now and not for quite a while. I think she has a lot of personal issues that she needs to work out, and I worry sometimes that ignoring her makes that harder for her. I do need this space for me, but perhaps there is a boundary line somewhere where I can communicate these thoughts to her without really getting involved. You can't make her understand how you feel or make her see she is better without you. I think that's a common misconception. You think if you could just say one more thing or have another talk, it would all be okay. The best course of action is to go NC and heal separately. This isn't something you can help each other through because you are the source of each other's pain. It's counterproductive to stay in contact. You're only hurting yourself by not blocking her.
Author banini_jeque Posted October 24, 2014 Author Posted October 24, 2014 Yeah, I guess that's true. I was reading some stuff on some sites, trying to get the other person's point of view. There were some girls saying they were texting their exes who's hearts they broke, and not getting a reply, and the other people were usually of course telling the girls they were SOL, but sometimes the response in the thread was that if someone decides to cut you out of their life after you break up with them, then they're not worth your time anyway. What the hell? It's like these people expect you to be superman and just be the best you possible right after a breakup.
Itspointless Posted October 24, 2014 Posted October 24, 2014 Yeah, I guess that's true. I was reading some stuff on some sites, trying to get the other person's point of view. There were some girls saying they were texting their exes who's hearts they broke, and not getting a reply, and the other people were usually of course telling the girls they were SOL, but sometimes the response in the thread was that if someone decides to cut you out of their life after you break up with them, then they're not worth your time anyway. What the hell? It's like these people expect you to be superman and just be the best you possible right after a breakup. If people are not willing to look at themselves critically there are a lot of people to find who will go along with the blamegame. That goes for a lot of things in life. Sad but true.
Diezel Posted October 25, 2014 Posted October 25, 2014 I'm fighting to decide if I should respond next time she texts. I don't want to go back to her, and I'm committed to moving on, but I don't think she's purposely trying to make that more difficult for me. If I did, then I would just continue to ignore, but I want to help her understand how it makes me feel when she texts breadcrumbs, and that she's going to be okay without me, and maybe one day we could be friends again, but possibly not, and certainly not right now and not for quite a while. I think she has a lot of personal issues that she needs to work out, and I worry sometimes that ignoring her makes that harder for her. I do need this space for me, but perhaps there is a boundary line somewhere where I can communicate these thoughts to her without really getting involved. Change your number or block hers. Donezo. Stop trying to protect her feelings or white knight her. You need to be selfish. This needs to be about YOUR healing. Not hers.
Author banini_jeque Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 That's what I ended up doing. I've been seeing this one girl more, and it doesn't feel right to talk to the ex or let her talk to me like she has been. I think if she had sent me text like, "I understand what you are doing, and if you ever feel ready to be my friend, I'd like that, so call me when you're ready." Then that would be one thing, but I didn't get that.
Author banini_jeque Posted November 11, 2014 Author Posted November 11, 2014 I've been doing pretty good mostly, but today for some reason things have resurfaced some. I feel really angry and resentful that she made me feel like I was the only guy she ever wanted in the whole world, to then being just a backup option that wasn't "a good idea right now." It's like that song "keep me hanging on." I'm just really pissed. And sometimes I still hear about things from other people and it just seems like she's destroyed everything that I loved about her, and it's really hard to know about that and be helpless to stop it.
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