Polak Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Okay, I have a question. Am I allowed to go somewhere where I know my ex might be, and then just refuse to talk to her, or should I avoid those places? Come on man, you know the answer to that. The whole point is to forget about her, to move on. In order to do that, avoid everything that will potentially get you in contact with her.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 The only thing about that is, I have to remember to avoid those places because she'll be there, so automatically she's still on my mind. Anyway, day 12! I wrote another email yesterday and didn't send it, but I did send it to my family to see what they thought. They all said it was good, but some thought I should send it, and others thought I should stick it out to at least 30 days first.
Itspointless Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Day 11. [...] I mean, when she dumped me, she basically gave me two options. One was to just be her friend and accept that. The other was to not be her friend. There was never really a clear opportunity to have a good conversation about the relationship and see how we could make it something that we both could be happy with. With either have a situation where she would be happy, but I wouldn't be, or I would eventually find happiness, while she is sad because she lost a friend. Well she took that risk all by herself and apparently that possibility did not stop her from doing it. We can not force people to feel about us what we want. Or in my case to give a comparison I could not force her to not suppress her feelings. she even admitted this. Still it was my reality as she turned out to be avoidant attached. We can only accept reality. Anyway, day 12! I wrote another email yesterday and didn't send it, but I did send it to my family to see what they thought. They all said it was good, but some thought I should send it, and others thought I should stick it out to at least 30 days first. I sent a letter after 4.5 months as she sent me messages once a month wishing me a great time. Wait a few months and if you still have something to say at that time than perhaps you can sent something. But beware it can take you back to how you are feeling now. At this time it will only result in her experiencing it as begging.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 The email I wrote is about why we can't be friends, and nothing else. I still haven't sent it though.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 5, 2014 Author Posted September 5, 2014 Day 14. Holy crap I miss her so much right now. Ugh. I miss her but I don't want to talk to her at all. So mixed up.
Itspointless Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 The email I wrote is about why we can't be friends, and nothing else. I still haven't sent it though. I advice you to leave it for now. Day 14. Holy crap I miss her so much right now. Ugh. I miss her but I don't want to talk to her at all. So mixed up. This kind of pride is essential. Deep down we know we deserve better. Friendship is possible if you are not attracted to her. It was hard for me to reconcile that it worked this black and white within me. I could not give friendship, I thought the world of her. I took me some weeks to admit it to myself and a few months to actually say it. Keep going man!
Author banini_jeque Posted September 8, 2014 Author Posted September 8, 2014 Day 18. Made it through the weekend by googling "ex won't be friends with me" and staying busy.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 Alright, so I'm at day 23. I still feel some sadness, I still miss her, but, I feel pretty clear that I cannot associate with her for a number of reasons. During these past 23 days, I have had to put extra thought into making sure I avoid her at certain times, by asking mutual friends if she is at certain locations so I can decide whether or not to go. I have been completely successful, and intend to continue doing this until I get to day 30. I need to decide if putting this extra thought into it is really helping me to move on. I have to think about her in order to avoid seeing her at these places. So far I've told myself that having to think about her to avoid her is healthier than seeing her would be, but once I get to 30 days, I might decide that I've healed enough that I can see her, as long as I refuse to talk to her, be near her, or listen to her conversations. I feel like I understand the situation well enough now for myself that I might be able to do that. There are certain conditions which she would have to meet in order to get me to talk to her again, and I know she isn't going to meet them, because it would be way to much work for her, and it might not even work. She would have to teach me that I could trust her again with my feelings first and foremost, which would take at least a year for me to really feel good about it, and I would need to be convinced that she wanted me again, and only me, so she would have to not date anyone during this time. Does it sound unfair? Maybe, but I don't really care anymore. I know thats what I would need from her, realistic or fair or not. Having this mindset is what is making me feel like I would probably be okay seeing her around after 30 days, but we'll see if I still feel the same way when I get there in a week!
Seraque Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 Without predicting whether you'll get back together, she sounds selfish. She wants you around even after you tried being friends and you couldn't take it? I think a normal person would at least understand and back off a bit...if you are so important to her wouldn't she try to make it work. I think you would do yourself a favor by thinking of the things you don't like about her and realizing her lack of compassion over your feelings.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 14, 2014 Author Posted September 14, 2014 Well, I suppose I should add that I haven't heard from her in over two weeks now, so she does seem to have backed off for now. I think it's sort of another case of, I liked who she was, but then she changed and I don't really like her now. It's just that who she is now still looks the same, and reminds me of who she was in other ways too.
Purepony Posted September 14, 2014 Posted September 14, 2014 I wish I handled my break up this well.. I made a mess now its done but stay strong because logic will get us thru. Your relationship sounds very similar to mine
Author banini_jeque Posted September 16, 2014 Author Posted September 16, 2014 Day 26. I got a breadcrumb last night. She texted and said she misses having me as a friend. It's gotten my hopes up some, no denying that, but at least I let myself read it for what it was. Plus, the wording made it sound possessive and selfish. She doesn't miss being my friend, she misses having me as one. Deleted.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 17, 2014 Author Posted September 17, 2014 Once I've done 30 days of no contact, suppose she continues to send a breadcrumb. Would it be bad to reply with something to the effect that if she doesn't want me anymore to please leave me alone so I can continue moving forward?
SoThatHappened Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 Once I've done 30 days of no contact, suppose she continues to send a breadcrumb. Would it be bad to reply with something to the effect that if she doesn't want me anymore to please leave me alone so I can continue moving forward? That would actually be the correct thing to do. When (not if) she sends another message, just tell her you need to cut all contact for you to move on. She may fight a little, but it's your life and you need to heal. Just tell her that you don't want her to contact you at all anymore unless it's to reconcile. Then YOU have to follow through with no contact and moving on. It's ironic, but that's the best way to get her back. However, don't do it just to get her back, do it to move on. You have to have the mindset that you CAN move on and find someone else.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 18, 2014 Author Posted September 18, 2014 Well, I don't really want her back so much, which is why this hasn't been too difficult for me to do so far. I miss what we had like hell, but the rest hurts too much, so I don't even want to see her anymore.
Raena Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 I think you are doing amazingly well! Keep it up!
petero Posted September 18, 2014 Posted September 18, 2014 I wish I had as good a mindset as you, man. I did a month and a half of NC and improved everything about myself and then started talking to my ex again and she was so politely cold that it killed me. I planned on trying to get back with her but reading your log is convincing me not to. Keep it up.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 18, 2014 Author Posted September 18, 2014 What do you guys think about the argument that if a guy refuses to be friends with a girl because she won't date him, then he was only interested in sex, and if he won't be her friend, then the relationship would never have worked anyway? It's easy to hear people make that argument and think that I'm doing the wrong thing here, but then it's not really that simple either.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 19, 2014 Author Posted September 19, 2014 Here we go. Got another text tonight. She watched one of her favorite movies and said a scene reminded her of me, and included a YouTube link to the scene. Deleted and did not watch the clip.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 20, 2014 Author Posted September 20, 2014 I could just block her texts, but there's still something in me that wants to see if she'll send something that is worth responding to.
Itspointless Posted September 20, 2014 Posted September 20, 2014 I could just block her texts, but there's still something in me that wants to see if she'll send something that is worth responding to. In all honesty, I never blocked her. Ten months have passed and 6 monhts of no communication. The last message to her was that I couldn't be friends at that time, as she kept contacting me once a month wishing me a good time (lol). She responded she respected that and that it would be her last message to me. That promise she kept (the ones before she didn't). It wasn't what I hoped for, but it confirmed what I already knew and expected to hear. She really had pushed me away or I had to play her game. Mentally I can understand now almost everything she did and encountered last year, but feeling her choices as they were mine, no, I am too different. Blocking her is a tool, if you need that for closure do it, otherwise leave it. Closure in the end is in our heads and in our bodies with releasing the tension of anticipation: the final realization that those woman really banned us form there lives and sharing those things we hoped to share with them as they were worth it to us. Closure will be the relocation of our centre of attention. Do for that what you need to do. 1
Author banini_jeque Posted September 22, 2014 Author Posted September 22, 2014 Well, I'm at 31 days now. I still think about sending an email to sort of summarize how I feel after taking this time apart, but I don't know if I will do it.
Author banini_jeque Posted September 29, 2014 Author Posted September 29, 2014 I think I'm on day 38 now. It hit me this morning that maybe part of the reason that any reconciliation failed is because I joked around too much. For example, a month after we broke up she said she wished I was more communicative. All I said was that I'm a guy. I didn't ask what I could do to meet her needs. I could ask her about that now, but I still feel like it's too late, or too soon. I don't know how to reconcile the idea of her now having been with someone else, and that gets in the way of me wanting to communicate with her. Maybe it's a sign that I lack emotional maturity, or maybe the most mature thing is to continue what I'm doing now. If I dated and slept with some other girls, then would I feel okay with taking her back if the opportunity arose? And if so, what would that mean? I know that it's not necessarily good to dwell on stuff, but I think it is important to process it and accept responsibility for yourself.
Bella2 Posted September 29, 2014 Posted September 29, 2014 Well, I'm at 31 days now. I still think about sending an email to sort of summarize how I feel after taking this time apart, but I don't know if I will do it. Why would you do that? What do you expect will happen?
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