BM30153 Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 I need some advice about what guys are thinking when they engage in NC. I broke up with someone about 3 weeks ago, but have since broken the NC. Reached out to him a couple of times and the first few times, the conversation was nice and friendly. I broke the relationship off, because he wasn't ready to give me what I wanted, which was more commitment. Even though I don't want to resume things with him right now, I still would like to have him in my life because he is, at the end of the day, a really good guy. there is a part of me that want to reconcile things, but am afraid to ask b/c he's most likely say 'no, not now, anyway." So, technically, I initiated the break-up even though he didn't want to, but deep down, I still harbor hopes of us getting back together. Thus, my attempts to keep the line of communications open. Two weeks after our last conversation (post break-up), I emailed him to see how he was doing. No response. Then 3 days later, I called and he didn't pick up the phone. He is clearly ignoring me or going NC. I just can't believe that after all we've been through, he can just turn off his feelings like that.....I am hurting too. This break-up was just as hard for me (if not harder), but I still want to hear his voice and know how he is doing. I need perspective from all the men out there as to how you can go NC cold turkey like that.....and just resolve to ignore all attempts from your ex to reach out and keep the lines of communications going. How can you be that cruel and heartless? Please explain....I just don't get it......How is it possible that one day, you can tell someone that you still care about them and like them and then the next, just turn the emotions off and cut of all contacts? Any sagacious advice would be appreciated!
search4what Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 I dont think he is being heartless, he is just looking out for his feelings. Being broken up with sux big time. I am still feeling the effects and will be for a long time. my ex broke up with me 2.5 months ago after a 3.5 yr relationship. After the break up we had a long talk about everything where I tried to convince her not to end it. After that I went no contact not because I hated her but because it hurt too much to talk to her. I loved and still do love her so much but I knew she did not want to be with me, so what could I do, keep talking to her. NO you try and stay strong and cut contact let her fly. Trust me there were and still are many times that all I wanted to do was call her email her, anything just to see how she was doing, but I also wanted to keep my pride. I know all situations are different but I will guarantee that he thinks about you all the time but is just trying to get through this with some pride. Did you really expect him to remain friends after a break up, that would be hard on the both of you and just prolong the healing process.
Oriental Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 agree with the person above. you broke up with him and he needs time alone to heal. being in contact with the ex could be the most difficult thing, esp in a situation like yours where the dumper wants to keep communication going, in a way you are trying to string him along, trying to have the best of two world. if you are sure you dont want to get back with him, even if it's just for now, you should let him go completely. you can be friends one day when both of you are ok with being just friends. NC is painful but the best solution now. you both take time to think whether what you have now is the best for you.
jasondotcom Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 I agree with those above. It's early days at 3 weeks, and he almost certainly is doing no contact to protect himself from ongoing pain and from reading hope into contact with you. Give it some time and you'll probably notice a thaw. I have experience of this from the dumped point of view, but it might be a bit different from the dumpers point of view. In my case no contact was about protecting my feelings and giving him space to miss me and realise what he'd thrown away. In your case he's probably protecting himself and possibly going through some anger and bitterness towards you, so perhaps you should be grateful he's not comunicating with you right now! I know it's hard, but you've told him you don't want him in your life by breaking up with him essentially. That hurts and it takes time for the pain to subside and for rational judgements about whether friendship is possible to happen.
Author BM30153 Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 Search, Oriental and Jason: Thank you for your advice. I hope you are right because it is so painful to realize that my attempts to reach out to him as been met with a non-response. I just want to know that is doing okay. I know I shouldn't take this personally, but I am, because when we last spoke, I asked him if he was okay with us talking from time to time and he said, "Of course." Now that I want to talk to him and to just hear a friendly voice, he is completely ignoring my calls and emails. I know our relationship wasn't perfect and I instigated the break-up because of it, but I have no ill-will towards him. I really want this to be an amicable break-up and it was, but now he's making me resent him? Have I pissed him off so much that he can't even have the courtesy to return my calls? I miss him too and sometimes wish I could have recanted my decision, but it's too late now. Because even if we were to get back together, none of the issues would be resolved and we'd be back at square one. Anyway, what did you guys do when your ex's tried to reach out to you? Did you even try to talk to them? You just went completely NC? Did you ever think that your behavior may be hurting your ex's too? What did you guys finally do? Did you ever end up talking to them?
SinceIvebeenlovingU Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 ~Anyway, what did you guys do when your ex's tried to reach out to you? Did you even try to talk to them? You just went completely NC? Did you ever think that your behavior may be hurting your ex's too? What did you guys finally do? Did you ever end up talking to them?~ 1. Ignore her for the past 40 days 2. No, she wanted to talk to me, but I didn't want to talk to her...I want a relationship not a friendship from her 3. Yes, after she said she was going to start dating other guys soon on the phone to me, I had enough... 4. I don't hope she's hurting as I am because that's below me, but I don't think she is hurting, she hasn't called me since the last week in december...and that was because she wanted me to fix her friendship with her friends... 5. Ummmm...there is no finally, as far as I'm concerned it's NC unless I bump into her somewhere... 6. I don't think I will ever talk to her again, because I don't want a friendship with her, I want a relationship with her... Hope that answers your questions from a guy dumpee prespective....
jasondotcom Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 When I went through the first (of two) beakups with my ex the 3 month period of no contact was something he insisted on. I found it really hard, but respected his decision to go that way. I had to be the one to initiate contact at the end of it because he felt he needed to let it lie until I was ready. It sucked at the time but was most likely the sensible way to go. Once we had contact again everything was very civil and friendly...and ended up quickly bringing us back together for another try. So that doesn't really apply to your question at all! This time has been slightly different. Initially we had some contact to tie up loose ends, swap belongings of each other's that we had, and have a couple of post mortems (we're both that sort of people!). To be honest I was still hopeful during these early meetings that he might say he'd reconsidered and decided he'd acted too hastily. He did admit to me that he had felt conflicted about whether he'd done the right thing, and especially whether the way he'd done it was right...but he didn't take it back. A little while after I really wasn't sure if I could be his friend and cope with ongoing contact...was it going to hurt too much? So I decided on no contact. 2 weeks later he rang me and I was very short and snappy at him on the phone. I was angry he'd called. I'd been in a rage with him the whole previous week, so his timing was pretty unfortunate. I didn't tell him I'd been doing no contact deliberately, but he soon worked it out for himself. Despite this I still agreed to a meeting a few days later (which is where I really let him have it). So my experience is that I'm a sucker who can't say no to contact he initiates. But that's just me!
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