How can I miss someone so badly that treated me so terribly? What is wrong with me?

[herself]

I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I do miss him but feel like I'm pathetic to miss somebody who was so cruel to me after two years. I understand that I really meant nothing to him and he was using me...I've read all the threads on here. But those words " I could never want you, you are a crazy manipulative C word who is ugly as ****" play through my head every day, every time I look in the mirror I hear his words. I picture him and his wife just sitting and laughing about my looks, how I'm horrible looking. How awesome she feels and validated she feels when he says horrible things about me. A million people could tell me I'm beautiful but for some reason the one time someone tells me I'm ugly to my face it ruins me. I think it's because their is truth behind every angry word:( I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to check my messages hoping he contacts me, I don't want to see a car and think is that him. This isn't fun anymore:(

 

You said alot of what you don't want...maybe start thinking now of what you DO want in your life now.

He is only able to devalue you if you let him.

You wouldn't check your phone and email if you had him blocked, that would take away that false hope and allow you to move forward.

Your mistakes aren't bigger than anyone elses. Stop defining yourself so poorly.

Tommorow is a new day. Cry it out tonight and be free now. Start finding your joy again.

[Ronni_W]

A million people could tell me I'm beautiful but for some reason the one time someone tells me I'm ugly to my face it ruins me. I think it's because their is truth behind every angry word

No, that is not true or accurate or factual. In this case, your (wrong) thinking/understanding about anger is causing (at least part of) the problem.

People do say that there is truth in DRUNKEN words...but it's not the same thing at all.

 

Behind anger, there can be a loss of clear thinking and/or mental functioning. There can be a desire or need to be purposely cruel, hurtful. There can be a need or want to control the situation by coming across as "big and strong and scary". Or all or any combination of that. He's a moron and a jerk, so bet on it having been all of that.

 

The truth about you, including your looks/appearance, is what you have always felt about it...before this bloody jerk came along to mess with your own perception of yourself. It's what people tell you when they're feeling loving, kind, happy with their own lives, secure about themselves.

 

If you need a different way to look at it...do you REALLY believe that they are SO pathetic and ineffective in their own lives that they have nothing better to do with and for themselves than think and talk about you in any way at all?

 

I suspect it's more likely that those words flew out of his brain and mouth because he is a moron and a jerk. I can't even see him telling anyone else that he said it.

 

Obviously it was an extremely traumatizing event, and I'm sorry that it happened to you. You most certainly did not deserve it.

 

Big hugs.

[todreaminblue]

my ex said a lot of hurtful things to me when we broke up.......many ugly vicious cruel things......he did it for a reason ........he wanted me to give up the fight.......to save our relationship......maybe he was inspired by god that this is the only way .......that forces me into survival instinct.......to fight for myself and not for others.....all the names anyone has ever called me have hurt and they cut me.......but when they heal the scar tissue is stronger and more resilient......the deeper the cut ...the stronger the scar tissue.....to the point where they hurt themselves more than they hurt me......and my ex did...he admitted that....he felt true remorse for the way he treated me at the end..he nearly killed me actually with hsi total lack of respect an disregard for me....when i had given him my heart and stuck by him through good and bad.....he abandoned me in the worst way.....he abandoned my daughters that si the worst way to get to me.... ...maybe that was his lesson to learn....now we are no longer together.....he treats me with the respect i deserve.,......and always have deserved....when he said to me later when he apologised that i deserved better and that he was honored i loved him...that he loved our daughters......it si what i needed to hear from him to have closure.........i know it to be true.....

 

handle all adversity that you face with grace....its going to hurt..heartache is inevitable..but you will be stronger for it.....trust me..deb

[whichwayisup]

I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I do miss him but feel like I'm pathetic to miss somebody who was so cruel to me after two years. I understand that I really meant nothing to him and he was using me...I've read all the threads on here. But those words " I could never want you, you are a crazy manipulative C word who is ugly as ****" play through my head every day, every time I look in the mirror I hear his words. I picture him and his wife just sitting and laughing about my looks, how I'm horrible looking. How awesome she feels and validated she feels when he says horrible things about me. A million people could tell me I'm beautiful but for some reason the one time someone tells me I'm ugly to my face it ruins me. I think it's because their is truth behind every angry word:( I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to check my messages hoping he contacts me, I don't want to see a car and think is that him. This isn't fun anymore:(

 

You're wasting your precious time and energy on him and he isn't thinking of you anymore. He's moved on.

 

I'm sure it hurt a lot that he said awful and mean things to you, but somehow you must let go and say f.uk it! Make peace with this and live your life.

 

He wasn't a kind person, he was fake. End of story. You've built him up to be someone he never was and that is why you're having trouble letting go and hoping he'll contact you. He is done, he isn't going to reach out to you. GET MAD and don't let his past words haunt you.

 

If you can't cope with this on your own and heal in a healthy way, seek counseling and talk to someone who can help you deal with this and get over him.

[goodyblue]

I don't know one single adult who would sit around laughing about how ugly someone is. I can't even imagine it. I agree with the post above, sounds like he was trying to end it for good.

 

You'd be surprised.

[goodyblue]

If you need to be mad so that you can get over it, just remind yourself that she is stuck with a man who cheated on her and had to lie about you to deal with what he'd done.

 

What a jerk to say that to you. I'm sorry. Also, remind yourself that he is ugly on the inside.

[Pinklotus]

How dare he. If you were so horrible, he wouldn't have had an affair with you. Be thankful that you're not his wife. Who knows what he says to her....he sounds abusive.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Bambi, my xOM used to say some mean things too. He said it was because he was "direct." Whatever. In our last conversation he was particularly hurtful. He was very angry...I thought at me...but now I think at himself which he projected on to me. He said one particular cruel thing that haunted me for a long time, but I did get over it. You just need to realize that those hurtful things are on him...not on you. And let it go.

 

The main thing I learned from this aspect of the A is that I will never again allow anyone to speak to me in that manner. You can take your power and say, no one will ever treat you like that again. Good luck and hugs.

[tnimbus]

You're a wonderful person who was used and abused by a jerk. A complete jerk who sounds like quite the narcissist as well. Right now, he has your self-esteem at 0...which is what he wanted. You are better then that, and you deserve better then that.

It will be hard, but I agree with the other posters, BLOCK HIM!!!..from everything, and avoid him like the plague, because that's what he is. He is also his wife's burden, not yours.

In some time your self-esteem will rise, and with some distance you'll be able to see things more clearly. You deserve better, always keep that in mind.*hugs*

[whichwayisup]

I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I do miss him but feel like I'm pathetic to miss somebody who was so cruel to me after two years. I understand that I really meant nothing to him and he was using me...I've read all the threads on here. But those words " I could never want you, you are a crazy manipulative C word who is ugly as ****" play through my head every day, every time I look in the mirror I hear his words. I picture him and his wife just sitting and laughing about my looks, how I'm horrible looking. How awesome she feels and validated she feels when he says horrible things about me. A million people could tell me I'm beautiful but for some reason the one time someone tells me I'm ugly to my face it ruins me. I think it's because their is truth behind every angry word:( I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to check my messages hoping he contacts me, I don't want to see a car and think is that him. This isn't fun anymore:(

 

You aren't ugly, he is. You're aren't pathetic, he is. You're not a 'c', HE is. And much more.

 

He got off on hurting and upsetting you. It made him feel great at that moment to say awful and hurtful things to you. He just poured his own emotional sh.t onto you. He feels like crap inside, so therefore he made sure you'd feel the same way.

 

I hope you seek counseling to build up your self esteem and self confidence.

[travelbug1996]

The only way to heal from this situation is to cut ALL contact with this person. You have to live as if he never existed.

 

Move to a fresh new place if possible

Change your email and phone numbers

Get off social media

Get a total makeover

 

Start the rest of your life fresh and don't waste a minute thinking of this loser.

 

You only live once. You've wasted enough time with him. Learn the lesson (stay away from confused married cake eaters) and Move Forward.

 

Give yourself a REAL chance.

[Mangina]

OP I have the same problem.

[L143]

I feel your pain as I am going through something similar. I am a bright intelligent woman, who should know better. Your x has got problems probably boarder line personality disorder & if you look into this you will see that he as flipped between making you feel like the best thing in the world to the worst! It's a classic way that they operate.

What is best for you now is not what you are going to want to hear. You need to cut him off completely. Delete his number, get rid of all reminders & no cheating! Cut all ties. Take back your power, and start to mend. Be nice to yourself, this is not your fault! There are a few ways to help yourself:

 

~Get therapy - he has damaged you & your best revenge is to heal.

~Make a decision to rid yourself of him completely - this is not easy.

~Love yourself. No one is "ugly" or deserves to be treated this badly. The problem lies with your x not you.

~ the love you had for your x came from you not him & shows what a loving person you are. You will love again.

~ it is true that when you start to think differently about something, it becomes different. Try saying to yourself that you choose to move on. Say it often enough & you will start to, I promise.

 

I am going through the worst split, (even after a horrible divorce previously) and have been treated so badly. I was in an on/off relationship that involved x wives, kids, but mostly he broke my heart because I let him yoyo back and forth, show me no respect & ultimately make a total fool of me. I too have been on the end of verbal abuse, but that's not the worst of it.

I am trying to move on & hold my head up high. This is not easy & I am in week 3 of no sleep, not eating & crying all the time. One day at a time, one hour at a time I will get through this & so will you.

Choose to let go of this tie he has over you & choose to move on. Love yourself too xxx

[solostand]

I remember the first time my abusive ex husband called me the C word. I remember thinking "I allowed him to call me the C word. I never thought I'd allow that boundary to be crossed." But I did, I took it and did not leave him. I was ashamed that I took it. Also, the slow drip drip drip of self esteem crushing moments, mainly because it was easier to take it than fight.

 

So no, do Not Allow This Man to take your power. I think some counselling as an abused woman would be helpful because this is mental abuse and it has done a real number on you. After I finally got the courage to leave my husband I went to a woman's shelter and was lucky enough to have two years of counselling there, meeting other women who understood, and realizing it is not me - - - it is him.

[Lady2163]

Listen, the most damaging things a man can say to a woman is that she is ugly or fat. It digs right into our egos. Society shows us skinny is beautiful and we must have perfect hair, teeth, eye color to be beautiful.

 

Men know that even the most secure woman will doubt herself when told she is ugly, homely, average plain, etc.

 

And, in my opinion, men can be damaged by being told they are lousy in bed, have a small or thin penis or that you faked an orgasm. Telling a man you faked an orgasm does damage because they can never trust you are actually having another one.

 

A guy with a small penis already know it, but someone who is average may have some doubts or some past partners who rejected him after a couple of times in the sack.

 

You're kind of wallowing in woe is me victim land. Been there. It takes time and counseling.

 

I also wouldnt rule out a spa day or a makeover. Just to make yourself feel good.