Ladies: Best Methods for Getting Over A Strong Attraction To A Guy?

[DazedandConfused8]

Sleep with his best friend.

 

/End sarcasm

[LoveIsABattlefield36]

Ya I gotta say I am really perplexed here. I guess I should read the OP's original thread... Seriously OP, you kinda sound like a woman who gets what she wants who has met her kryptonite. That's kinda cool isn't it?

 

My GF would tell you that when you find someone like that you should consider surrendering to the moment. I'm still learning what she means by that. Anyhow, I won't do that line of reasoning any justice so I'll engage your inner Type A.

 

It sounds like you really want this guy. And the only thing that freaks you out is how badly you want him. Okay, cool - well, don't be freaked out by it. Be exhilarated! No second guessing. No, do I really like him. Cool, so you found something you want now go out and get it. As others have said, ask him out. I know that freaks you out so do what others have said and make it a group activity. A friend thing. It sounds like you have amazing chemistry together so just being next to each other in a social setting would probably cause the sparks to fly.

 

You do this sort of stuff all the time. A project plan. How to get from point A to point Z. Put it together. Make a project out of it.

 

Or you could do what my GF would suggest and just surrender to the moment. To him. Drop your guard. And see where it goes.

 

Anyhow, the only other thing I will mention is that when you do feel this elusive chemistry. Don't ignore it. Don't run from it. It is really quite rare and don't squander it out of some sense of self preservation or fear. Run with it sister!

 

Oh and Mrin,

 

One more thing: have you ever "surrendered to the moment"?

[LoveIsABattlefield36]

Sleep with his best friend.

 

/End sarcasm

 

Welp, that sounds like a plan.

[Mrin]

Oh and Mrin,

 

One more thing: have you ever "surrendered to the moment"?

 

Only once. With the lady I am dating now actually. I am massively Type A in nature. When I see something I want I go out and get it using one of two approaches: 1) Sheer effort (work harder) or 2) cleverness (work smarter). But both are "doing" actions right? Doesn't matter if it is work, or education or even romance.

 

But with her, I completely surrendered to the moment. Dropped all of my guards. As she did with me. It wasn't a conscious decision per se on my part. Rather, it just came naturally. That trying to woo her with my wit and charm or impress her with my attention didn't seem right. I didn't want to spoil it. I also wanted to get out of my head and stop analyzing things.

 

The way I visualized it was that I was blowing bubbles on a patio (metaphor for meeting people). Some were small. Some were large. And then, I blew a big giant shimmering bubble unlike any of the others. Like nothing i've ever seeen. Who knows how long a bubble like that will last? Am I going to keep blowing? No, i'm going to put down the wand. Am I going to deconstruct how I blew that bubble? Maybe later. Am I going to buffer myself against its eventual demise? No. As long as that bubble is hanging in the air in front of me, I'm going to focus and appreciate every second it hangs there. I'm going to live in the moment. Surrender to it.

 

And I have to tell you, it made all the difference. So unlike me. And yet, so Right.

 

Anyhow, I can wax on and on about this. Don't get me started. Ha!

 

I love how this guy is under your skin. I know it must be frustrating. But it is also a beautiful feeling. Like living on the edge. So you know he's a big flirt. And he's attractive and a appealing to other women. Go make him yours. All that charm, good looks and intelligence... yours. Directed at you. Pretty heady no?

 

I leave you with this last thought from my wise girlfriend. Think of a cat. If you want to go pet the cat you could go over, pick him up and place him on your lap and start petting him. Most likely the cat will run away if not claw you. But if you go sit next to the cat and wait patently, often times it will surrender to you and sit in your lap and willingly be petted. So you have to ask yourself, aren't the person and the cat both surrendering to the moment.

 

Honestly, she kinda loses my Type A male personality there but I kinda get it. Ha!

 

Good luck!

Edited August 26, 2014 by Mrin

[Versacehottie]

Hi! How nice of you! Ok, here are quick, simple tips:

*Adjust your attitude; you have to change the focus off of him, why you are good enough/not good enough/not one of the others who likes him, etc and just remind yourself every day, every moment that you are special in your way and the guy you deem right would be lucky to have you. Try your very best to get in this frame of mind. Takes focus off him and onto you. Which guys like a girl who loves herself first.

*Get some other social stuff going. I know he's from work, but if you speed up your life and social calendar he diminishes in importance and then guys usually fight harder to be on your radar.

*Forget the other girls. He's attractive but so are you. You can't worry about other girls. You just have to do "your game". And it will be what it will be. If he is not smart enough to pick you, his loss. These are not just statements I'm saying to make you feel better. But if you start to believe them, things start to shift.

*Be yourself. He will notice if you are changing to accommodate him. That's usually unattractive to guys but i'm imagining doubly unattractive in your case since one of the main characteristics and draws you mention is that you have opinions and are strong--so it's a way noticeable extreme from what he noticed (and liked about you) and from your natural state.

*Flip the script. Oh gosh, my friend explains this better than anyone! I hope you know what I mean, I can't find the words right now.

*Tell yourself that until he is directly asking you out, he is back burner material. A nice work flirtation, nothing more, nothing less.

*Lastly, and this is a bit hard without putting too much attention on the future and just letting things take their course. You have to believe, from the heart, that if he was with you, it'd be the best thing that ever happened to him. Have these core beliefs and then stop fixating on him; just take it with a grain of salt. Make him come to you. Be steady.

 

I also say, if he is not asking you out just yet, date others. Honestly, it works. You don't even need to make sure he knows. It's just something they can feel and you never know what twists and turns life can take. You are putting yourself first if you do this.

 

Don't think of what you can "do" or "how to be". Honestly you should be throwing him a few obstacles and little challenges. Guys fall in love with what they have to work for. Well i think we all do. Hopefully people wont take that too literally and get the meaning. Good luck!

[LoveIsABattlefield36]

Only once. With the lady I am dating now actually. I am massively Type A in nature. When I see something I want I go out and get it using one of two approaches: 1) Sheer effort (work harder) or 2) cleverness (work smarter). But both are "doing" actions right? Doesn't matter if it is work, or education or even romance.

 

But with her, I completely surrendered to the moment. Dropped all of my guards. As she did with me. It wasn't a conscious decision per se on my part. Rather, it just came naturally. That trying to woo her with my wit and charm or impress her with my attention didn't seem right. I didn't want to spoil it. I also wanted to get out of my head and stop analyzing things.

 

The way I visualized it was that I was blowing bubbles on a patio (metaphor for meeting people). Some were small. Some were large. And then, I blew a big giant shimmering bubble unlike any of the others. Like nothing i've ever seeen. Who knows how long a bubble like that will last? Am I going to keep blowing? No, i'm going to put down the wand. Am I going to deconstruct how I blew that bubble? Maybe later. Am I going to buffer myself against its eventual demise? No. As long as that bubble is hanging in the air in front of me, I'm going to focus and appreciate every second it hangs there. I'm going to live in the moment. Surrender to it.

 

And I have to tell you, it made all the difference. So unlike me. And yet, so Right.

 

Anyhow, I can wax on and on about this. Don't get me started. Ha!

 

I love how this guy is under your skin. I know it must be frustrating. But it is also a beautiful feeling. Like living on the edge. So you know he's a big flirt. And he's attractive and a appealing to other women. Go make him yours. All that charm, good looks and intelligence... yours. Directed at you. Pretty heady no?

 

I leave you with this last thought from my wise girlfriend. Think of a cat. If you want to go pet the cat you could go over, pick him up and place him on your lap and start petting him. Most likely the cat will run away if not claw you. But if you go sit next to the cat and wait patently, often times it will surrender to you and sit in your lap and willingly be petted. So you have to ask yourself, aren't the person and the cat both surrendering to the moment.

 

Honestly, she kinda loses my Type A male personality there but I kinda get it. Ha!

 

Good luck!

 

Mrin!

 

I love these analogies!

 

You and that girlfriend of yours are such an intelligent pair.

 

Now, I am so happy that you surrendered to the moment but I couldn't help but to think "what guy wouldn't?"...Is that idiotic?

 

I promise I'm not being facetious so feel free to educate me.

 

Even if not presently, I would want this thing to develop into something more. I guess it's how you look at things? How you set yourself up? With everyone telling me "just go for it!" is scary because for ME it would definitely be living on the edge and I don't want this thing to be just a flash in the pan.

 

Ok, I've rambled enough. Thank you for all of your help.

 

*repeats to self* "he's a bubble, he's a cat, he's a bubble, he's a cat..."

[LoveIsABattlefield36]

Hi! How nice of you! Ok, here are quick, simple tips:

*Adjust your attitude; you have to change the focus off of him, why you are good enough/not good enough/not one of the others who likes him, etc and just remind yourself every day, every moment that you are special in your way and the guy you deem right would be lucky to have you. Try your very best to get in this frame of mind. Takes focus off him and onto you. Which guys like a girl who loves herself first.

*Get some other social stuff going. I know he's from work, but if you speed up your life and social calendar he diminishes in importance and then guys usually fight harder to be on your radar.

*Forget the other girls. He's attractive but so are you. You can't worry about other girls. You just have to do "your game". And it will be what it will be. If he is not smart enough to pick you, his loss. These are not just statements I'm saying to make you feel better. But if you start to believe them, things start to shift.

*Be yourself. He will notice if you are changing to accommodate him. That's usually unattractive to guys but i'm imagining doubly unattractive in your case since one of the main characteristics and draws you mention is that you have opinions and are strong--so it's a way noticeable extreme from what he noticed (and liked about you) and from your natural state.

*Flip the script. Oh gosh, my friend explains this better than anyone! I hope you know what I mean, I can't find the words right now.

*Tell yourself that until he is directly asking you out, he is back burner material. A nice work flirtation, nothing more, nothing less.

*Lastly, and this is a bit hard without putting too much attention on the future and just letting things take their course. You have to believe, from the heart, that if he was with you, it'd be the best thing that ever happened to him. Have these core beliefs and then stop fixating on him; just take it with a grain of salt. Make him come to you. Be steady.

 

I also say, if he is not asking you out just yet, date others. Honestly, it works. You don't even need to make sure he knows. It's just something they can feel and you never know what twists and turns life can take. You are putting yourself first if you do this.

 

Don't think of what you can "do" or "how to be". Honestly you should be throwing him a few obstacles and little challenges. Guys fall in love with what they have to work for. Well i think we all do. Hopefully people wont take that too literally and get the meaning. Good luck!

 

Versacehottie!

 

Awwww....THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

 

I promise I won't ever bug you again!

 

Like, why aren't you my sister and why don't you have relationship books on the shelves...or do you? lol!

 

I've received so much great advice whether I decided to go forth or not that I'm just so overwhelmed (in a good way)

 

I agree that I need to adjust my way of thinking and stop allowing my insecurities to best me. Hell, if I did eventually decide to go forward, he should be over the moon to have a woman like me.

 

Keeping busy is always the plan and I think I've been doing alright in that dept. thus far. However, it never really crossed my mind to date in the interim? Thanks!

 

Don't know if you can tell Versace but I don't have much experience with men hence the reason I often take to these message boards (my family is sick to death of me living in my head and don't want to hear it anymore.) At this point, it's quite frustrating for me even. I have to get it together.

 

I am definitely going to take your advice and just do me. Can you tell I'm ambivalent? It would be nice if he asked me out.... Maybe. lol

 

Hey, are you currently dating?

[Versacehottie]

Versacehottie!

 

Awwww....THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

 

I promise I won't ever bug you again!

 

Like, why aren't you my sister and why don't you have relationship books on the shelves...or do you? lol!

 

I've received so much great advice whether I decided to go forth or not that I'm just so overwhelmed (in a good way)

 

I agree that I need to adjust my way of thinking and stop allowing my insecurities to best me. Hell, if I did eventually decide to go forward, he should be over the moon to have a woman like me.

 

Keeping busy is always the plan and I think I've been doing alright in that dept. thus far. However, it never really crossed my mind to date in the interim? Thanks!

 

Don't know if you can tell Versace but I don't have much experience with men hence the reason I often take to these message boards (my family is sick to death of me living in my head and don't want to hear it anymore.) At this point, it's quite frustrating for me even. I have to get it together.

 

I am definitely going to take your advice and just do me. Can you tell I'm ambivalent? It would be nice if he asked me out.... Maybe. lol

 

Hey, are you currently dating?

 

Thank you for the nice things you've said. The world could use more love so it's subject matter that will always interest me.

 

So I can't stress enough that the best way to "change" this thought process is to DO, not think. Of course, you need a little framework or outline to get yourself started but then just start doing. You can reinforce with mantras (ugh, i hate that word but u know telling yourself the things you need to tell yourself) but the best way to be this best you is to just start doing it. Fake it, til you make it (a reality). That's why I recommend dating (practically always in a situation like yours). Because then you get to practice those skills. That practice is what you need for the guys you really want and to really change your mindset.

 

I think a great number of the people who come to this site (or things like it or talk with friends etc about dating a lot) are overthinkers. Being smart, wanting to figure stuff out, caring what the other person thinks/means is what is getting us into trouble. Just decide how you want to be, put a plan in place to get your social/dating thing up and running and then just work those steps. Listen, if you want a boyfriend, you have to do things that would put you in optimal position for finding one. Pinning your hopes on one guy (as perfect and exciting as he may seem) is not the way. Even if THIS guy does turn out to be the one (as we hope he does), there is an aura when you are getting attention from other guys that draws the others in. Haven't you noticed that!?! When you are getting attention from guys, somehow without even trying you get more attention. So a recommendation to date others or attempt to be being open and pursuing some other avenues, is helpful to bring THIS guy toward you. Take this as an example: you are talking to him within your workday and casually tell him (not calculated or plotting but just in normal work friends convo) of a great place you had dinner the night before. Your intention is not to give details or tell him you had a date. But it gives him an opportunity to think of you in setting besides work. If he's smart and knows the restaurant, he may even be able to deduce "hey that's a date type place" or be envious in some way. The point is that you become more multi-faceted to whoever you are talking to, thus people want IN. Into your life. In this guy's case, if he likes you it will light a fire because he will realize there's competition there and he better hurry up. Put it this way too: the fastest way to drive someone away, is to be all about them and "he" is the goal. Guys typically presume this to nth degree, even when it isn't true--but when there is slightest bit of truth to it, they feel it like a freight train hurtling toward them. Having other interests and priorities is a good thing that will help you get what you want from him at this stage.

 

I know you're getting a lot of advice to just ask him out or tell him how you feel etc. I'm not of that camp. I don't know that either side has the perfect answer. I just believe that guys like to think they are "deciding" even when it's not 100% that way, it has to seem that way to them. So yes it would be really nice if he asked you out. I believe you can help them right to the edge but that they have to ask. It's not about being old-fashioned or some rule or anything like that. What it is is that if they take that "leap", their heart leaps with it. If you do that step for them, they haven't worked for it and don't feel like you're as worthy. It's a love thing.

 

and yes...of course

[FitChick]

You can reinforce with mantras telling yourself the things you need to tell yourself....

 

I recommend dating...because then you get to practice those skills. That practice is what you need for the guys you really want and to really change your mindset.

 

Being smart, wanting to figure stuff out, caring what the other person thinks/means is what is getting us into trouble.

 

I agree with most of what you've said except the first point. Affirmations don't work. You are saying things you don't believe and will never convince yourself enough to stop the unproductive behavior. You have to eliminate negative beliefs first. Then you won't even need affirmations because your behavior will automatically change. If you cover up a pile of crap with an oriental rug, you can see the lump of crap is still underneath the rug. Get rid of the crap!

 

Your last point -- it makes me want to shake the people on here who, after being dumped or he didn't call or he faded, etc., ask WHY. Knowing why doesn't change reality. You can't change anyone else if they don't want to change. See my signature below.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with most of what you've said except the first point. Affirmations don't work. You are saying things you don't believe and will never convince yourself enough to stop the unproductive behavior. You have to eliminate negative beliefs first. Then you won't even need affirmations because your behavior will automatically change. If you cover up a pile of crap with an oriental rug, you can see the lump of crap is still underneath the rug. Get rid of the crap!

 

Your last point -- it makes me want to shake the people on here who, after being dumped or he didn't call or he faded, etc., ask WHY. Knowing why doesn't change reality. You can't change anyone else if they don't want to change. See my signature below.

 

We are completely on same page. I just don't think i was clear. I also don't believe affirmations work--other than to get you to focus on what you need to DO in world. But just telling yourself something does not change you. You have to do things to change. It's by doing that you can remove negative beliefs and change your reality.

[LoveIsABattlefield36]

Thank you for the nice things you've said. The world could use more love so it's subject matter that will always interest me.

 

So I can't stress enough that the best way to "change" this thought process is to DO, not think. Of course, you need a little framework or outline to get yourself started but then just start doing. You can reinforce with mantras (ugh, i hate that word but u know telling yourself the things you need to tell yourself) but the best way to be this best you is to just start doing it. Fake it, til you make it (a reality). That's why I recommend dating (practically always in a situation like yours). Because then you get to practice those skills. That practice is what you need for the guys you really want and to really change your mindset.

 

I think a great number of the people who come to this site (or things like it or talk with friends etc about dating a lot) are overthinkers. Being smart, wanting to figure stuff out, caring what the other person thinks/means is what is getting us into trouble. Just decide how you want to be, put a plan in place to get your social/dating thing up and running and then just work those steps. Listen, if you want a boyfriend, you have to do things that would put you in optimal position for finding one. Pinning your hopes on one guy (as perfect and exciting as he may seem) is not the way. Even if THIS guy does turn out to be the one (as we hope he does), there is an aura when you are getting attention from other guys that draws the others in. Haven't you noticed that!?! When you are getting attention from guys, somehow without even trying you get more attention. So a recommendation to date others or attempt to be being open and pursuing some other avenues, is helpful to bring THIS guy toward you. Take this as an example: you are talking to him within your workday and casually tell him (not calculated or plotting but just in normal work friends convo) of a great place you had dinner the night before. Your intention is not to give details or tell him you had a date. But it gives him an opportunity to think of you in setting besides work. If he's smart and knows the restaurant, he may even be able to deduce "hey that's a date type place" or be envious in some way. The point is that you become more multi-faceted to whoever you are talking to, thus people want IN. Into your life. In this guy's case, if he likes you it will light a fire because he will realize there's competition there and he better hurry up. Put it this way too: the fastest way to drive someone away, is to be all about them and "he" is the goal. Guys typically presume this to nth degree, even when it isn't true--but when there is slightest bit of truth to it, they feel it like a freight train hurtling toward them. Having other interests and priorities is a good thing that will help you get what you want from him at this stage.

 

I know you're getting a lot of advice to just ask him out or tell him how you feel etc. I'm not of that camp. I don't know that either side has the perfect answer. I just believe that guys like to think they are "deciding" even when it's not 100% that way, it has to seem that way to them. So yes it would be really nice if he asked you out. I believe you can help them right to the edge but that they have to ask. It's not about being old-fashioned or some rule or anything like that. What it is is that if they take that "leap", their heart leaps with it. If you do that step for them, they haven't worked for it and don't feel like you're as worthy. It's a love thing.

 

and yes...of course

 

My apologies for the late response Versace. It's been a craaaaazy week.

 

Yea, I definitely overthink things. Honestly, I think I've spent around 80% of my life in my head and never just going with my heart...when it comes to love that is.

 

I don't give him a lot of energy. I just do me and if we connect, great. Oh, I hate this because I feel like I am trying to learn how to ride a bike and I keep falling when I should be riding steady at this point.

 

Thanks again for all of your help Versace .