c.jude Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 (edited) Hi guys! Well, as a backstory: boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We rarely bicker or fight at all. I'm now a freshman in college and he's 23. I am not looking to settle down, move in, or get married anytime soon. Maybe in my late twenties I'll start thinking about it. Haha. Anyway, when we first started dating, our views in long term relationships were a little different. He didn't want to get married. Came from a family of divorces he said and didn't just didn't want to. Now, almost a year later, he's starting to ask me weird questions (eg. "Would you marry me on the future?" " do you see us married in the future?" "I love you a lot.") and when I threw the question back at him, "I don't know. Do you see yourself marrying me in the future?" And he replies, "yeah, maybe. I love you a lot. You're definitely wife material. " I did nonchalantly ask him if he really saw a future with me and he says, "of course I do." A week or so ago, he asked if I saw us as serious. I said I really didn't know. I saw serious couples as people who start talking and planning a future together and all. Like actually planning. He got upset when I told him I wasn't sure if I thought we were serious. He thinks we are. He told someone, "Of course we're serious. I'm giving her a key to my house when she starts going to school so she can crash here, study, hang out if she's too tired to stay home. " Sure enough, yesterday he gives me a key to his house. Something also interesting is that when we first started dating he told me he would never do a long distance relationship. If I went away for school it wouldn't work out. I was thinking about going to school a month ago ago. Far away. He was all for a long distance relationship when he wasn't last year. I don't get it. He has an ex gf he lived with a couple years ago. She wanted to commit he didn't. He also had a fwb. She wanted a relationship. He didn't. What does "exchanging" or giving house keys symbolise in a relationship? How does that take everything to the next step? I don't get it. Does this mean he's actually seeing a future with me (long term, marriage, etc). I'm just a little confused with the way he's acting now. Totally different from when we first started. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks guys! Edit: just want to clear things up, I'm no way ready to even be thinking about marriage right now. At all. Edited August 25, 2014 by c.jude
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 A year ago he wasn't in love with you. Before that none of those girls were "the one". Dear, he knows you are "the one". He is showing you, he is willing to wait, help support you and start building a life together before you get married. He just wants to know if you are on the same page. That's why he go upset wit your response....he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you. 2
Gloria25 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 IMO, someone giving you their keys does not equate an advancement in a relationship in the sense of whether or not they are committed to you or see a serious future with you. IMO, it means they trust you're not gonna steal something from their home...lol. IMO, it means more of a "convenience" - which makes you more available to the person who gave you the key. See, now a days people view shacking up (living under the same roof w/o a ring and a date) as some sort of progression in a RL. I see it as 'getting the milk w/o buying the cow'. I don't get the guy you're dating. He's asking all these 'where are we going?' questions, but his dating history does not seem to imply that he's had serious RLs in the past. I don't think a tiger changes its stripes overnight. I wonder if he's pressed to 'nail you down' cuz you didn't try to tie him down like his previous FWB and live-in girl. But over all, you two are young...While college is a great place to meet people and figure out if you're a match w/o the pressures of dating or making a final commitment, still you both may change and go into different directions from college till you're about your late 20's - where you'd be in a better place to make a proper decision on a mate.
LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 He is serious about you and he obviously didn't feel the same way about the last two girlfriends hence the reason he didn't advance his relationship with them as he has his relationship with yours. Referring to you as "wife material" should tell you all you need to know. People's views change. Perhaps you have helped to instill his confidence in the institution of marriage in a way the previous girls did not. I guess the most important thing is- If you really love this guy and would like to have a future with him, handle with care (Read: don't eff it up.) Giving someone keys to your apt. and constantly asking them questions about the prospect of a future together is no lightweight stuff. Good luck and I will send up a prayer for you. -LIAB 3
Author c.jude Posted August 25, 2014 Author Posted August 25, 2014 A year ago he wasn't in love with you. Before that none of those girls were "the one". Dear, he knows you are "the one". He is showing you, he is willing to wait, help support you and start building a life together before you get married. He just wants to know if you are on the same page. That's why he go upset wit your response....he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Lol He says he about me so much it makes him sick to his stomach if he knows I'm out late at night, not in a safe place, etc. Idk he is insecure sometimes or seems jaded a little by his previous relationships. Like a week ago he looked at me for a while then sighed, "You're going to upset me so much when you get bored of me and leave me. I probably won't be able to get over you. " then I'm like, "well do I have a reason to break up with you?" Then he replies, "No but you probably will get bored of me then leave me. Since you did that with your last bf. " (that was only one reason why I left my ex. I wasn't crazy in love with him. Just didn't excite me that much. Plus he also had issues and all). So today he goes, "Hi my beautiful wife. " I say, "Not your wife. " and he goes "yet!" Then I say, "you told me at first you never wanted to get married." Then he goes, "well not now. But yeah I do want to get married." Like he was so against getting married when I first met him. He confuses me.
Author c.jude Posted August 25, 2014 Author Posted August 25, 2014 IMO, someone giving you their keys does not equate an advancement in a relationship in the sense of whether or not they are committed to you or see a serious future with you. IMO, it means they trust you're not gonna steal something from their home...lol. IMO, it means more of a "convenience" - which makes you more available to the person who gave you the key. See, now a days people view shacking up (living under the same roof w/o a ring and a date) as some sort of progression in a RL. I see it as 'getting the milk w/o buying the cow'. I don't get the guy you're dating. He's asking all these 'where are we going?' questions, but his dating history does not seem to imply that he's had serious RLs in the past. I don't think a tiger changes its stripes overnight. I wonder if he's pressed to 'nail you down' cuz you didn't try to tie him down like his previous FWB and live-in girl. But over all, you two are young...While college is a great place to meet people and figure out if you're a match w/o the pressures of dating or making a final commitment, still you both may change and go into different directions from college till you're about your late 20's - where you'd be in a better place to make a proper decision on a mate. That's what I was thinking. Why would talk about this stuff with me when his past relationships. Went south after commitment was brought up?
mightycpa Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 So today he goes, "Hi my beautiful wife. " I say, "Not your wife. " and he goes "yet!" He has officially gone over the edge with that one. He is putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. He's playing word games instead of telling you directly that he's feeling more loving towards you. His lack of experience is showing. He's not ready for what he wants... he just thinks he's ready. It's pretty normal. He's going to push you away pretty soon with his style of courtship. It's happening already. That's why you're here. 1
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 (edited) Lol He says he about me so much it makes him sick to his stomach if he knows I'm out late at night, not in a safe place, etc. Idk he is insecure sometimes or seems jaded a little by his previous relationships. Like a week ago he looked at me for a while then sighed, "You're going to upset me so much when you get bored of me and leave me. I probably won't be able to get over you. " then I'm like, "well do I have a reason to break up with you?" Then he replies, "No but you probably will get bored of me then leave me. Since you did that with your last bf. " (that was only one reason why I left my ex. I wasn't crazy in love with him. Just didn't excite me that much. Plus he also had issues and all). So today he goes, "Hi my beautiful wife. " I say, "Not your wife. " and he goes "yet!" Then I say, "you told me at first you never wanted to get married." Then he goes, "well not now. But yeah I do want to get married." Like he was so against getting married when I first met him. He confuses me. He wasn't against getting married, he wasn't ready at that time to be thinking about getting married. When people truly fall in love, they get insecure naturally. Fear of losing you sets in, paranoia, just plain scared, even having nightmares about the relationship ending.....this is perfectly normal. Edited August 25, 2014 by smackie9
todreaminblue Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 people can change their mind like they change underwear.....can happen on a dailly basis..... what was right yesterday may not be right today or even to have the same idea as of tomorrow.... he likes you ...he has changed his views on marriage since being with you.......obviously he has a goal of being with you long term ...not a bad thing in my book.....how do you feel about being with him permanently ....as in marrying him.....deb 1
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Isn't that the whole reason behind being in a relationship? to see if they have potential to be your life partner? and build towards it? 3
sid3 Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 Good luck and I will send up a prayer for you. -LIAB Yeah, with all that's wrong in the world today, your prayer for her dating life will surely reach god's ear. I'd report this post if I thought the moderators would give a rat's a** Let's keep god out of dating please. Lets instead pray for something meaningful, lets pray that one less animal becomes road kill tonite. Maybe a quick one for those dieing from cancer too. GMAFB My advice Op, communication is key to all relationships.
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 Hi guys! Well, as a backstory: boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We rarely bicker or fight at all. I'm now a freshman in college and he's 23. I am not looking to settle down, move in, or get married anytime soon. Maybe in my late twenties I'll start thinking about it. Haha. Anyway, when we first started dating, our views in long term relationships were a little different. He didn't want to get married. Came from a family of divorces he said and didn't just didn't want to. Now, almost a year later, he's starting to ask me weird questions (eg. "Would you marry me on the future?" " do you see us married in the future?" "I love you a lot.") and when I threw the question back at him, "I don't know. Do you see yourself marrying me in the future?" And he replies, "yeah, maybe. I love you a lot. You're definitely wife material. " I did nonchalantly ask him if he really saw a future with me and he says, "of course I do." A week or so ago, he asked if I saw us as serious. I said I really didn't know. I saw serious couples as people who start talking and planning a future together and all. Like actually planning. He got upset when I told him I wasn't sure if I thought we were serious. He thinks we are. He told someone, "Of course we're serious. I'm giving her a key to my house when she starts going to school so she can crash here, study, hang out if she's too tired to stay home. " Sure enough, yesterday he gives me a key to his house. Something also interesting is that when we first started dating he told me he would never do a long distance relationship. If I went away for school it wouldn't work out. I was thinking about going to school a month ago ago. Far away. He was all for a long distance relationship when he wasn't last year. I don't get it. He has an ex gf he lived with a couple years ago. She wanted to commit he didn't. He also had a fwb. She wanted a relationship. He didn't. What does "exchanging" or giving house keys symbolise in a relationship? How does that take everything to the next step? I don't get it. Does this mean he's actually seeing a future with me (long term, marriage, etc). I'm just a little confused with the way he's acting now. Totally different from when we first started. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks guys! Edit: just want to clear things up, I'm no way ready to even be thinking about marriage right now. At all. You two are at completely different places in the relationship. He's asking if you're ready to get married and sees you as wife material, and you're (apparently) not having any of it. Him giving you his house key is a big deal because it means he's hoping you'll use it to spend more time together and eventually move in. It also means he trusts you with his stuff, and that he has nothing to hide there. What you have to ask yourself is what would change between now and your late 20s: what would happen between now and then that would change you NOT getting married? If it's something major, then you're not meant to get married or be together anyway.
xxmusical Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 Just because he wasn't into marriage with his two previous relationships doesn't mean his view towards it won't change. Time passed. He matured. Views changed. Perhaps he feels that he's finally met "the one" and truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The question is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him (take marriage out of the equation)? Do you love him as much as he loves you? Or are you thinking of experimenting new relationships in future years, while you're in college? 1
Author c.jude Posted August 26, 2014 Author Posted August 26, 2014 people can change their mind like they change underwear.....can happen on a dailly basis..... what was right yesterday may not be right today or even to have the same idea as of tomorrow.... he likes you ...he has changed his views on marriage since being with you.......obviously he has a goal of being with you long term ...not a bad thing in my book.....how do you feel about being with him permanently ....as in marrying him.....deb I can see him being a long term partner, possibly husband material. Though we do share different views sometimes (mostly politics and religion). That's about it. I mean, I'm not looking into getting married anytime soon. Haha. What I do find weird about his family. His fathers motto is "Don't have kids, don't get married. " about 6 months ago my bf said, "I don't plan on it." To his dad. now I see him asking me things about marriage, seriousness, house keys etc. I just find it odd the past few months, I guess his interest for me has grown? I don't know what to believe now when it comes to what he says since apparently he can change his mind like he changes his undies haha.
Author c.jude Posted August 26, 2014 Author Posted August 26, 2014 Just because he wasn't into marriage with his two previous relationships doesn't mean his view towards it won't change. Time passed. He matured. Views changed. Perhaps he feels that he's finally met "the one" and truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The question is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him (take marriage out of the equation)? Do you love him as much as he loves you? Or are you thinking of experimenting new relationships in future years, while you're in college? Well that's the thing. I really, really like this guy. Never felt this way about someone before. I really care about him. I don't know if I'd want to experiment in college since I'm happy with him now. Idk it just worries me. I'm young and thinking about commitment like this makes me even more confused. :/ I dont really put timelines on relationships. For now that is. Though I can say I really do care for him a lot. A future with him is a possibility. I'm just no really gushy. I've always had abandonment issues (I was adopted as a child) so giving my heart away is harder for me.
xxmusical Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 (edited) Well that's the thing. I really, really like this guy. Never felt this way about someone before. I really care about him. I don't know if I'd want to experiment in college since I'm happy with him now. Idk it just worries me. I'm young and thinking about commitment like this makes me even more confused. :/ I dont really put timelines on relationships. For now that is. Though I can say I really do care for him a lot. A future with him is a possibility. I'm just no really gushy. I've always had abandonment issues (I was adopted as a child) so giving my heart away is harder for me. Don't stress yourself out, it's ok You're young. Marriage didn't cross my mind when I was your age (lol). It wasn't until my SO and I were around 22~23 before we really discussed our future. So I suggest communicating with your bf, that you love him, that a future with him is a possibility, but you're not ready to settle down on such a serious commitment (yet). Assure him that you're very happy being with him. Let him know that you want to enjoy the present for now. If he genuinely understands, he wouldn't push you on the topic. Edited August 26, 2014 by xxmusical
todreaminblue Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 I can see him being a long term partner, possibly husband material. Though we do share different views sometimes (mostly politics and religion). That's about it. I mean, I'm not looking into getting married anytime soon. Haha. What I do find weird about his family. His fathers motto is "Don't have kids, don't get married. " about 6 months ago my bf said, "I don't plan on it." To his dad. now I see him asking me things about marriage, seriousness, house keys etc. I just find it odd the past few months, I guess his interest for me has grown? I don't know what to believe now when it comes to what he says since apparently he can change his mind like he changes his undies haha. I always feel it i better to know where you stand in a relationship and he has let you know that he sees you as a long term partner , i think you should just tell him the same thing you have said in this thread... that it confused you a bit that he changed his mind suddenly but you do see potential for a long term relationship with him, say how long it was ago you didnt think about marriage and now he is with you talking about marriage.....make him see the change he has made and define how sudden it is.... so then he can understand why you confused you...be open and honest with him, be open and honest if he steps too fast for you.....and i wish you all the best in love and life c.jude:bunny:.....deb
smackie9 Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 Tip:communication is key. Instead of explaining to us how you feel about everything, tell him(in the most positive way of course). If you don't discuss things with him, you both will be confused and uncertain, and things will get unnecessarily messed up.
OwMyEyeball Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 Best you discuss this topic with him directly since it's clearly distressing to you. Seems that he's several steps in a different direction of where you feel comfortable in the relationship. Neither of you are in the wrong, but clearly your relationship goals are misaligned. And thanks for throwing a "befuddled" into your post title. Great word!
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