It's happened again..!! I don't know what's wrong with me...

[Demoralised_10]

Long story short, my relationship of 9 months has just ended and I'm depressed, sad, and feel very lonely.

You may have read my previous posts, I suffer greatly from a lack of self esteem and confidence due to how I percieve I look. I met this girl back in November on an online- dating site and we started a relationship proper in January of this year. For the first few months I was very casual and non committal due to being wary of my previous relationship ending. Things went wrong in June when she asked me to go to her sisters wedding reception some 3 hours from where I live. Something inside me didnt want to go, I can't explain why but on the evening she was distraught I wasn't coming, I dallied and dallied and eventually late at night drove the 3 hours to be with her.. However at this point the evening was over and I had missed the reception. Upshot of it is, she never forgave me for that and she ended it on my birthday last weekend. Question is, I loved this girl and me and her were a fabulous match. Why do I continue to sabotage something good in my life and become an emotional wreck afterwards? I'm 36 and my fears are that I won't get too many other chances? It hurts so bad not to see or talk to her anymore.

[Zapbasket]

Why didn't you want to go to the wedding? Was there something you were afraid of?

[Demoralised_10]

That's just it, I'm not sure WHY I didn't want to go to the wedding, I probably naively thought that it wouldn't be a big deal if I wasnt there for the reception as it was her family thing.

Ironically I knew on the evening that I should have been there for her that's why I made the decision to get in my car and drive to her no matter what.. However by the time I got there the evening was over.

Maybe I was also still in the early stages mindset of still being somewhat nonchalant about the relationship. It seemed that once I knew the relationship might be severely affected by this I changed and became the attentive and loving boyfriend I should have been. However for the last 2 months I've been someone I'm not. Does this make sense? Was it a fear of not wanting the relationship to end rather than losing that person? I'm not sure, I'm very mixed up and confused right now!

[Waynester]

Obviously you answered your own question...as to why you did it, or didn't do it, attend the wedding is difficult to say.

I think hine-sight shows us just how important these decisions are. Maybe at the time you just didn't realize how important. Now of course..sadly it's to late.

 

Don't give up though, I'm 42 and fear the same..time running out etc.. If you believe in fate, or soul mates, she clearly wasn't the one. It ended because it had to, so you can find the one you're meant to be with!

 

I try to hold onto this way of thinking..positive thoughts.

[Demoralised_10]

Waynester, thank you for your advice. I think you're right, at the time I probably didnt think about the importance and significance of the event although to a degree I did, just something inside of me was telling me that I didn't want or need to go?!

I agree with you, I don't think she was the 'one' but my judgement is being clouded by thinking did I love her or the relationship? That's the hard thing I'm trying to come to terms with in my head.

I try and remain positive - it's just awfully hard right now.

[Smilecharmer]

You will know when you find someone you want to build a life with. Everything you do becomes cognizant of how it will affect them. You will want to spend every moment together and there are no doubts what or how you feel.

[Demoralised_10]

Thank you Smilecharmer, I agree with you. Perhaps subconsciously I knew that this wasnt the right person for me and hence why I was so unsure when I made decisions that even I KNEW would have a decisive effect on the other persons feelings.

I think perhaps my heartbreak and depression at the moment is me grieving for the loss of what a relationship brings to my life rather than that person who was entering into it with me.

Unfortunately I seem at the moment similar to Waynester, in that I've become very conscious of my age and time of life and am desperate for another relationship. Logically my head says I need to sort myself out first yet my hard wants to experience that comfort a relationship brings?

[mightycpa]

she asked me to go to her sisters wedding reception...didnt want to go....she was distraught I wasn't coming...I dallied .... eventually late at night drove the 3 hours to be with her... the evening was over and I missed the reception...she never forgave me for that...she ended it

 

This sounds like teenage drama, not a mid-30's relationship.

 

this could be a reason:

 

I suffer greatly from a lack of self esteem and confidence due to how I percieve I look.

 

At 36, time is running out for you to fix that.

[Demoralised_10]

Thanks for your comments mightycpa. Can you expand on why it constitutes a teenage drama, in that emotionally I'm immature or as in character?

I agree my own perception of the way I look and the confidence in myself has a big impact on the way I think about things. In what way is time running out to fix that?

[Natsu21]

Thanks for your comments mightycpa. Can you expand on why it constitutes a teenage drama, in that emotionally I'm immature or as in character?

I agree my own perception of the way I look and the confidence in myself has a big impact on the way I think about things. In what way is time running out to fix that?

 

Your problem is that you think that your age affects your self-esteem. You're 36, you're still rather young.

 

She broke up with you over a reception? Sounds kinda immature...either way dude, life goes on. Don't sweat it. Just keep going!

[mightycpa]

Thanks for your comments mightycpa. Can you expand on why it constitutes a teenage drama, in that emotionally I'm immature or as in character?

 

I'm happy to expound on this with my own point of view.

 

Reasonably well adjusted people in their 30's recognize that sometimes you will disappoint people (I won't go the the wedding) and that you will get disappointed (he's not going to the wedding). It is not always pleasant, but this is rarely a dealbreaker, unless disappointment is a frequent constant. Teenagers, in my experience, are much less tolerant about disappointment. What people in their 30's generally won't do is make emotional reversals at the last minute (drive 3 hours to miss an event) or hold a grudge over something so trivial. Teenagers will do exactly that. I'm not saying it doesn't ever happen, just that usually the issues that drive older people apart are more about compatibility and perspectives on life.

 

I agree my own perception of the way I look and the confidence in myself has a big impact on the way I think about things. In what way is time running out to fix that?

 

At 36, you've spent half of your life as an adult. It is during these youthful years that people bake and correct their mistakes, and tame their demons. This allows them to live the next 20, 30 or 40 years not having to deal with all that bull****. There's plenty of stuff to deal with that doesn't come from within, and not putting down your own baggage doesn't help you. You're running out of time in that your patterns are becoming more and more permanent as you get older. It is harder to change now than 10 years ago. I don't know what your problem is... maybe you're fat, or you have a big nose, or your face is full of warts or you're just plain ugly. Maybe all are true. Fix what you can, and accept the rest. If you're ugly, then overcompensate by working out and becoming grotesquely overdeveloped. Find a female friend or a tailor or a cosmetic counter that can help. Date lots of unattractive women. DO SOMETHING other than cower from your fears for almost 20 years. Take a look around - there are plenty of big nosed, warty faced, ugly, fat slobs who are married and perfectly content.

 

The problem is in your thinking, not in your appearance. Two decades of thinking that way is enough. Stop it before it becomes permanent.

[Demoralised_10]

Thank you again mightycpa for expanding on your views, I believe there is an element of truth in that perhaps some of my decision making bare some similarities with a teenager esque perspective. I suppose it again comes down to the fact that the previous 10 years of my life I had been relatively experienced when it came to women and relationships (cowering from fears comes into this as you mentioned).

I agree with everything you said in the 2nd half of your post, I find myself on a constant revolving wheel of following the same path and ending up ultimately disappointed and depressed again.

My issue (I've posted about this on here) is my hair loss. I am far from an ugly bloke but the hair loss issues has ruled alot of my negative thinking for the last 5-7 years. I agree it must stop before it becomes permanent. Having lived with negative thinking for so long it's hard to excrete that formulation.