thousandsuns Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Hi all, This is a very important topic I want to cover and any input would help and be appreciated. Throughout my dating life, I have always tried to date girls who would be interested to go out with me. In other words I have settled for whatever I could get. This led me to dating girls who were either not compatible or were just not near by level of intellect or occupational status. My question is, is it okay to set standards for what type of a girl I would like to date? By the this I do not mean purely who I am attracted to. I am reasonably well educated and intelligent guy who has a great job and a reasonably wealthy or decent life style. Should I feel okay in setting standards for myself in dating someone who is sufficiently attractive, has a good job and successful life style as myself? My self-esteem has always been low and I'm finally questioning myself on this because I feel like I shouldn't have to settle for anyone. I shouldn't have to settle for an uneducated/unemployed/unattractive or drug user/smoker.
pash3 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I don't think there's anything wrong with setting high standards for yourself. I'm in exactly the same position where I've been in two long term failed relationships and I know that it's more than just attraction and a few common interests that will keep you together. Attraction and common interests are important but you need to find out from each other whether you value the same sorts of things in life and if you do disagree on something how important that thing is to you. Obviously, there is a chance you could be too picky about things but if it's a reasonable list of what you're looking for then I just see it as knowing what you want from a partner which from my experience is attractive indeed. Although, if you do meet someone who ticks most and you both have the potential for something great to happen. I would compromise those things she hasn't ticked because no one is perfect and you'd be lucky enough to find someone who ticks even half of your list. The dating game is harder than ever now. Find someone who treats you well and with respect.
Missy0724 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I agree. How old are you? I think that has a lot to do with it. When we are younger we are more of "in the moment" and perhaps give up some of values, don't think of the future with someone. We just go for it, and what ever happens, happens... I am divorced from long term marriage, and have had two serious relationships post divorce. Both from OLD. So hard, to date in today's world, being a divorced mother of kids, work, an ex, some baggage, etc. And whomever I date, is going to have some of the same... So for me, yes, I have to be selective and have standards. I am kind of picky. I met about 30 or so guys, before I clicked with the two guys I dated these past few years. For me, attraction of course important when first meeting someone, if you feel any "spark" or connection, interest in a second date. And yes, where they are in their life, if they are a good dad, if have kids, what they do for activities outside their job. That is actually VERY important to me. At this age, I believe a job is just a job and I don't really care what you do, as long as you love it, are good at it, it's doing something productive. The salary does not matter. I know so many women who judge a man by that, their "career" or education. I could care less. I want to know, what are your values? How was your past marriage? What is your relationship now with your ex? How do you treat your children? What are your plans for the future, where do you want to live, what are your dreams, passions, how do you stay active, involved in LIFE. What do you do for fun? And of course, when you get these answers, you will have a good idea of what kind of person they are, their values. How they may treat you. And if there is attraction, you can see yourself kissing this person at some point - hopefully there will be a second date! :-) And most importantly and I've learned this the hard way, and I'm responsible for it - pay attention to those red flags, differences in values, how they treat people, how they treated their ex, and even animals. Why they got divorced. Those little details are important, even though you may ignore them at first, if they are charming, very attractive, you are very physically attracted to them. Those chemicals will BLIND YOU. Be careful! Oh, how I shake my head now... Live and learn! And do NOT sacrifice your values or boundaries. You will regret it. Sure, there is compromise. But if you are giving up your values, to accept theirs or think you are being a "good person", an unselfish, giving person, by being so understanding of big red flags, or think you can get over them, accept them...be careful. It can blow up in your face. Be firm in your values. It's better to be alone, than with the wrong person, or sacrifice your values, standards. Not a good idea. There is someone out there for us, with similar values and standards! Probably won't match up on everything. But two people should match up on the big stuff. I think so anyway... That is what will get your thru the tough times with someone, if you are looking for a committed, long term relationship. Not the little stuff, but the big stuff, the values and wanting same things for the future. At my age anyway and what I will not settle on.
Dork Vader Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I think standards are a great thing to have if they are the right standards. Setting income standards is foolish IMO. Now wanting them to have a career or be doing something with their life is not. I would not date a 30 year old that's flipping burgers for a living. But I would date a 30 year old who is working on a career. I would date a 30 year old who let's say works for a non profit that they are passionate about. But has a low income due to being employed by a non profit. I view it more as having a career then a high paying job. As for intelligence.. I would not measure a persons intelligence via their level of Education. Having a degree does not mean you are intelligent. It simply means you went to school. I know a mathematician that has never set foot on a college campus. He writes math models and algorithyms for computer games and makes a fortune. I my self have never set foot on a college campus and do the exact samething. Google billionaires with no college education.. Intelligence is a gift from birth. It can not be altered or changed significantly. If we could improve ones intelligence we would have a cure for stupidity. That said you want to create a list of traits that you desire. Intelligence, career, driven, and so on..
Fondue Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 You should DEFINITELY have standards for yourself, bro. Hell, make a list of acceptable (and unacceptable) qualities. Follow that. Otherwise you'll only be settling. Which of these would you rather say one day??? "I found my ideal mate," or "I settled on her."
mightycpa Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 You're the man! So act like one. Think about what you want, and pursue it. If you have standards, you're the only one who can judge who is a keeper and who isn't. I don't know that I wouldn't date women who don't measure up in one way or another. I think I just wouldn't GET INVOLVED too deeply with them. They can still be interesting company.
Dork Vader Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I should add if self esteem is an issue for you. Then you need to work on boosting it. Read the book the six pillars of self esteem. It explains what self esteem and self worth are. It also explains how to build it. It's a great book and will help you with your entire life.
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Standards are important but sometimes a little flexibility is important. By that I mean remember intelligence isn't only measured by fancy degrees & good people may have done dumb things when they were younger. You have to look at the whole person & all of the circumstances. 1
PogoStick Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Should I feel okay in setting standards for myself in dating someone who is sufficiently attractive, has a good job and successful life style as myself? You should consider this mandatory. I notice this when I find myself involved with an average girl out of convenience. Then I'll go out on the town for a night and realize I'm surrounded by attractive women. I don't go out often, but I was just out on Saturday night and there were 3 bachelorette groups that came through. They're all dolled up and in cute dresses, 30 or so of them. Just stop and put yourself in that moment...Out of those 30 would you really believe there isn't a single one who would be interested? Give me a break. No matter how bad I may be, I can bat 1 for 30. So why waste your time with the girls who have let themselves go, getting overweight, having unplanned kids, didn't make it through college, and are stuck with passable employment? I just saw a damn bus full of young, fun, attractive girls riding the electric bull in mini-dresses. 1
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 You want to find someone that matches your set standards? NP all you need is to confidence. Highly educated, career women are confident...so you will be needing confidence to match in order to get what you want.
Author thousandsuns Posted August 27, 2014 Author Posted August 27, 2014 To everyone who replied thanks. It means a lot knowing that the way I see myself is very important and to have set standards. Just to clarify my age is 23. I do not measure intelligence based on qualification. However, having the ability to use proper grammar, articulate and convey thoughts in a concise manner is what I prefer. In a way I would say I enjoy someone who has witty humour and enthusiasm. Wit ties down to intelligence in some ways and that's how I viewed it. I just didn't want to sound shallow and that's why I created this thread. I have dated the following girls; -Uneducated girls doing nothing with their lives -Single parents once again doing nothing with their lives -Stay at home girls who do chores for a living -Unambitious girls who don't know what they want to with their lives -Aren't as attractive as I would like them to be (slightly overweight perhaps). The common trend I see there is that the girls are not that driven or aren't looking after themselves. Now because I have given all these types of girls a chance and have never considered anything that would account for as a flow, I truly now know the importance in setting standards. I do have to raise myself esteem a little too. If I can believe in the fact that I am worthy and capable of dating a decent girl with a decent personality who is driven and ambitious and is witty then I know I shouldn't settle for anything less than that.
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