SDSweet Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and have had a very close relationship. We have a long distance relationship. He lives in Northern Cal, and I live in Southern Cal. I'm 36. He's 50. He loves me very much, so he says and he has always treated me like a queen and always puts me first! We've had-over all-a great relationship...best friends. I've always wanted to move to Nashville to pursue my dreams working in the country music industry. When I brought the topic up to my boyfriend---he supported it. He said he had regrets in life, and didn't want me to experience it. He said we'd stay together and see what happens. He said he'd be sad, but we would work it out and he'd be there to support me 100%. I felt relieved to FINALLY have a man who could encourage me, so I felt safe to follow my heart. Since then I've become very excited...and hopeful about my life...and excited to meet new friends -- and I know he sees my excitement because it's all I talk about. Fast forward 6 weeks, and things have tanked the closer to my move we get. We had a big trip in July for my birthday, and it was horrible. I was stressed about my move, trying to plan things and dealing with last minute issues....I was not the most considerate I could've been--and I made him feel horrible--without realizing it. We had a big blow up fight, and didn't talk for over 2 weeks. It was bad.... I extended the olive branch, and he apologized profusely for his wrong-doing saying he was a jerk in how he blew up at me and he wanted to call me to apologize but figured I was so mad at how he handled himself--. And, I apologized for not being considerate for all his actions....and we vowed we loved each other and just made mistakes... Since then...though--he's been hot and cold....he pulls away often. I'm moving to Nashville in just a few weeks, and he tells me he feels he can't hold me back. He says he loves me very much, and just feels in his gut that he's being selfish by staying in the relationship. He says he sees a young, beautiful woman pursuing her dreams and he doesn't want to have me worrying about him or having to deal with missing him or just having to deal with him, in general... etc..... I'm not sure if that's BS or if that's the truth....? Last we talked--we were giving it a shot--we were going to see each other before I left, and just be 'us' because we felt so much crap had gone on lately....so we wanted to to just spend some time alone. Anyway, a few days later--he's back to withdrawing....and this time I let it go. He hasn't communicated with me in THREE days...tomorrow will be FOUR....and I decided I'm not reaching out this time...again. And, I guess I don't know how to handle this. I don't understand why he can't just tell me what is going on. If he wants to break up, then why can't he just tell me--instead of being vague and wishy washy and hot and cold. On some level I feel he wants me to break up with him, so it's easier for him or that he doesn't feel he's the one hurting me. But, I'm not going to do it--this is on HIM to be a man. I deserve the respect and dignity--after a year of a loving and very committed relationship to at least be broken up with--with some dignity. Right? I've never been in this kind of situation before so it's really hurting me for him to act like this.... Dealing with a break up is fine--it's one thing. But I'm building resentment and anger over his withdrawing, and it's really hurting me....We don't have to end on bad terms is how I see it--but it's starting to get really ugly for me emotionally... Would he just simply break up with me by never talking to me again? What is going on...I'm battling a lot of emotions--and I can't understand them.. Sorry so long...
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I wouldn't know what to say about why or what is going on with him. Sometimes we have to take matters into our own hands and just deal with it. If it were me I would call him, ask him if this is the end, and just call it.
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 To add, you both are at different times in your lives and it couldn't be more obvious now that you are starting a new chapter in your life. He physically can't be a part of it....so there is no point in staying in a relationship. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 You put him between a rock & a hard place. He wants to be supportive as you go follow your dream but he also wants you to stay. He's upset that you are leaving & he's handling it badly. Take pity on him. Be nice to him then pull the pin & break up when you leave rather than trying to hang on & failing. It will be a cleaner break.
Emilia Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 You live in the same country, I don't know why you are in an LDR, why can't one of you move to be with the other? Maybe that's the root of the problem. Otherwise he is right, he shouldn't hold you back. You are still relatively young, he is much older. Perhaps he couldn't deal with the upheaval. He should have thought about this sooner.
preraph Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 He doesn't want to do a face to face emotional breakup, plus he's already mourning. Leave him a nice note of some kind when you leave and let him do his thing for now.
mightycpa Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 At 50, he's probably done at least one LDR already, and he knows that it sucks, and how it generally turns out. Being there counts for a whole lot. At least he didn't guilt trip you into abandoning your dream. Nashville is a great town. Stop by Honky Tonk Central, and tell them mightycpa said hello!
Author SDSweet Posted September 21, 2014 Author Posted September 21, 2014 Thanks everyone for caring enough to read my story and respond. All of it makes sense now. I guess I wonder how anyone can just vanish instead of talk it out and end things appropriately. I don't understand that mind set -- I think it's rude and disrespectful towards me and our time together and I feel abandoned--so I just never reached out to him. I'm struggling with how someone who loved you very much--can just be so cold and withdrawn. I take it personally-that I don't at least get the respect and decency to be broken up with like an adult. This is childish to me and ridiculous...I'm amazed at what I feel is immaturity and coward behavior.
ThorntonMelon Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 Not that it matters, but I don't sense him being a coward. You're dealing with a man who may have believed he'd finally found the woman he'd grow old with walk out of his life, and doing it basically because she (and I am not making a value judgement here) is prioritizing something over him. While maybe he should be more open about that, he is feeling selfish for his feelings and generally probably very disoriented by the whole thing. All I'm saying is cut him some slack. It's not as cut and dry as you're putting it. 2
smackie9 Posted September 22, 2014 Posted September 22, 2014 I agree you need to cut the guy some slack, a face to face farewell is probably to too painful for him. I doubt very highly he's running off into the sunset clicking his heels together. 1
mightycpa Posted September 22, 2014 Posted September 22, 2014 You should probably write a song about him. Plenty of fodder for a good one in your story.
Author SDSweet Posted September 23, 2014 Author Posted September 23, 2014 Thank you for the responses again! It's really helpful---I didn't really think of him as being abandoned and he probably was resentful deep down of that, I suppose. I have considered calling him...but I feel raw emotionally and afraid he'll reject me again. I told him I wanted to make it work--and he just pushed me away anyway. So, calling him won't make a difference. It's been a month now since we've communicated--so this is over. I just have to learn to deal with it---and move forward. It breaks my heart. It just hurts to see this unfold--LIKE THIS--when we were so close. To add...you won't believe what happened. Our mutual friend--who's 51 years old---CALLED HIM this past weekend WITHOUT my consent or knowledge. I'm beside myself, and feel my trust has been betrayed by her. She called to tell him I deserve a fair 'goodbye' and to tell him how upset I was--this is so humiliating! She called to confess to me, and I am so angry at this out of line behavior. I have never felt so vulnerable. He's still not called or reached out....even after that. So, it's clear he's done. And, it's time I let go.... It's all so sad. You'd think I cheated on him, lied to him, betrayed him---how he's just shut me out. Really, it's just such a disappointing situation. Sigh.
smackie9 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Some people like myself cut all ties after a relationship. I never saw the point of lingering, discussing, or becoming friends...it's over, it's over. As for your friend, she did it to see if she could make it better for you because she cares...she had no idea you would feel resentment for her actions so be easy on her. Some people can be so short sighted.
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