Dork Vader Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 My ex and I have been talking for about 2 weeks. I'm not sure that it's dating or what it is. That said when we first talked on the phone again I asked if she had been seeing anyone else or anything. She said no and she told me she did not want to be with anyone else. Well recently we had been drinking talking and having fun at her place. Towards the end of the night we are heading to bed.. Number of partners some how gets brought up. She says something a long the lines of I'm at 10 now. I said I thought I was 10? She then goes O well then it's 11 now. I said when did this happen? She goes when we were broke up and not talking.. I said you're joking right? You said you hadn't slept with anyone else.. Her response was I guess you're going to have to figure that out on your own. End of conversation.. It was done in a sort of joking way. But it was also sort of serious... I don't know how to take this.. I really want to tell her straight up.. I don't know if you were joking, or trying to be honest. But leaving me hanging like that saying I have to figure it out is not okay. Especially considering what happened in our relationship. Opinions? I'm not happy about it.... If it was a joke it was a very bad joke especially considering we are trying to rebuild a relationship that ended because of promiscuous behavior on her part. She never physically cheated.. If it was honesty I feel like she lied to me about it when we first started talking. I also feel like it means she doesn't love/care about me if she jumped into another mans bed that quickly. If it was games an attempt to mess with my head. I'm done with her. I'm 30 and do not need this crap.
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I don't see the "joke." Do you? I see someone who let it slip that she lied about not being with anyone else when in fact she was. Then again, you're getting into Watergate syndrome: it's not what happened (you two were separated, she can do what she wants), it's that she lied about it and tried to cover it up. 2
Author Dork Vader Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 I understand that she was single and could do what she wanted. But if she did sleep with another man whether or not she was honest I'd be done. I don't date people who jump from one bed to another so quickly. It's not someone who can be faithful in a marriage. Marriages have ups and downs. It's a huge sign that they will jump ship when the marriage is down. Whether it be cheating, divorce or what ever.. It's not commitment and it screams volumes about how much she truly cared for me. 2
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 (edited) It doesn't sound like lying. It sounds like she was approximating a number and when you asked she immediately told you. Why was she supposed to be "committed" while she was single? Yes, you'd recently broken up, but you were broken up. You say it has something to do with not being faithful in a marriage, but a breakup is completely different from a strained marriage. One is a tough situation amidst a committed, dedicated, legally binding relationship; the other isn't even a relationship, period. It's over. If you're mad at her for hooking up with another guy so quickly, then admit it's because you wish she spent more time missing you. Don't pretend it says anything about her capacity to be faithful, honest and committed because it doesn't. Edited August 25, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ 2
Author Dork Vader Posted August 25, 2014 Author Posted August 25, 2014 Chimp you don't know the relationship. I get why you could/would say that. I don't know why I am even asking this question. The more I think about it the more I think how stupid I am to even be here.
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I understand that she was single and could do what she wanted. But if she did sleep with another man whether or not she was honest I'd be done. I don't date people who jump from one bed to another so quickly. Then you weren't on a "break." Clearly your break wasn't properly defined between the two of you. If it was a break with strings attached, she might have behaved differently, but then it wouldn't really be a break.
Author Dork Vader Posted August 25, 2014 Author Posted August 25, 2014 No we were done and she was free to do what she wanted too. But in my mind if sleeping with other men was what she wanted to do.. Then she doesn't want to be with me or love me. I feel that if you truly love someone even if you are technically single the last thing you're going to do is go sleep with another person. Especially 1-2 weeks after the break up.. But that's all beside the point I'm trying to gauge what is going on here. But I think I already made up my mind. It was not a joke. If it was it was not funny. At best it was games and her trying to mess with me. At worst she did sleep with another guy and flat out lied about it. The thing is I shouldn't even be here being tormented by this. If it was a healthy relationship..
Supernatural Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 No we were done and she was free to do what she wanted too. But in my mind if sleeping with other men was what she wanted to do.. Then she doesn't want to be with me or love me. I feel that if you truly love someone even if you are technically single the last thing you're going to do is go sleep with another person. Especially 1-2 weeks after the break up.. But that's all beside the point I'm trying to gauge what is going on here. But I think I already made up my mind. It was not a joke. If it was it was not funny. At best it was games and her trying to mess with me. At worst she did sleep with another guy and flat out lied about it. The thing is I shouldn't even be here being tormented by this. If it was a healthy relationship.. In so few words... I agree.
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 You broke up for a reason....you both didn't have the desire to work through the issues. So why bother getting together again? Those problem will still be there. It doesn't matter if you OR her slept with other people. At the time, there was no thought that there would be reconciliation, you both thought it was final right? So you both were moving on. Some deal with loss in their own way, and sometimes it is with poor choices. Emotions of emptiness will send some into heavy drinking, drugs, or sex. So don't crap on someone who are feeling vulnerable, scared or worried. If you really care about her, you will sit down and have a serious conversation about what transpired. You can't blame all this on her, you shoud have put the brakes on before going off to bed and dealt with it right there.
Supernatural Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 You broke up for a reason....you both didn't have the desire to work through the issues. So why bother getting together again? Those problem will still be there. It doesn't matter if you OR her slept with other people. At the time, there was no thought that there would be reconciliation, you both thought it was final right? So you both were moving on. Some deal with loss in their own way, and sometimes it is with poor choices. Emotions of emptiness will send some into heavy drinking, drugs, or sex. So don't crap on someone who are feeling vulnerable, scared or worried. If you really care about her, you will sit down and have a serious conversation about what transpired. You can't blame all this on her, you shoud have put the brakes on before going off to bed and dealt with it right there. You could get back with someone 1-2 weeks after a break up knowing they slept with someone else?
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 You could get back with someone 1-2 weeks after a break up knowing they slept with someone else? Yup............I have, and anything is possible.
Supernatural Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Yup............I have, and anything is possible. I would never be able to get past that.
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I would never be able to get past that. Everyone is different. For me sex and love are two different things. If I have unconditional love for that person, and feel they are worth fighting for, I won't let something like that get in the way.
Author Dork Vader Posted August 25, 2014 Author Posted August 25, 2014 (edited) I agree I should have dealt with it right then and there but I did not know how I felt about it right then and there. I just knew I did not like it. I did not want to make an rash decisions I would later regret. That said.. Smackie you might be okay with that. But the simple truth is I am not and here is why.. It does NOT matter to me whether or not it's marriage, relationship, dating or what ever... Jumping from bed to bed so quickly is not something I am okay with. No matter why she did it.. whether it was hurt, confused, worried, sad what ever.. If that's how she is going to deal with those emotions now.. Then that's how she is going to deal with those emotions in the future. Single or in a relationship. I've been down this road once before and I know exactly where it leads (if she did sleep with another guy).. It leads straight to sleeping with other men. That's not someone I want to have a relationship with. What will happen in the future when other things happen? Edited August 25, 2014 by Dork Vader
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 (edited) You were broken up, she didn't cheat. So why would you think she would cheat on you? If you can't accept it that is your choice. It was probably for the better anyways. She couldn't be honest about it. Edited August 25, 2014 by smackie9
Author Dork Vader Posted August 25, 2014 Author Posted August 25, 2014 I agree it was not cheating. But there was a lot more to this relationship then I am posting. I'm not into people who jump from one bed to another so quickly. It is a moral difference. Either way she should have told me when I asked the first time. Not gave me this spiel about how she only wanted me and so on. While we were in a relationship she may not have physically cheated. But I do know she was sexting other men. They did not have sex one is on the other side of the Country.
OwMyEyeball Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I don't understand. Were you fully broken up? Are you reconciling? You say you're not sure if you're dating or not, but then shortly after talk about how you're both rebuilding your relationship. I went back and read a few of your posts to get a bit more understanding. Is this the same woman you were in a very short (3 month) relationship with? The one who two doctors felt certain was responsible for giving you an STD?
Author Dork Vader Posted August 25, 2014 Author Posted August 25, 2014 One.. Yes it is the same woman. It honestly would not be fair for me to place all the blame on her for it. The doctors basically told me most people get symtpoms with in 4-8 weeks but that it was possible I already had it. They said I'd never know for certian where I got it.. But none of my ex'es from the last 8+ years have it. So who knows? As I said it is complicated. All I can say is it is love.. I love her.. So confused..
Supernatural Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 If I was with a girl and found out she was texting back and forth with another guy, I would question everything... lf she was sexting.. I would be done right there.. Sexting is cheating. 2
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Based on your other threads it sounds like the STD you're describing is HSV2. While she may have given it to you, it really and truly is impossible to know for sure unless you've had only one sexual partner. I know several people who didn't have their first outbreak until years later (usually after they'd met The One and been married...awkward). In your other threads you also talk about having 50+ partners. Given that 80% of people with HSV2 don't even know they have it, it's very possible that you've had it for a long time without knowing. I don't understand why someone's choice to sleep with someone else while they were single is so appalling to the men here. If the love of my life broke up with me and slept with another girl before we reconciled, I wouldn't be thrilled, but I wouldn't be particularly angry. I don't have any claim to him after a break-up. I wouldn't necessarily assume it meant he didn't love me, either, because real adults know that people (both men and women!) can have sex purely for the entertainment factor without any emotional intimacy involved. If he and I got back together I'd worry most about whether he was smart and used protection. 1
Author Dork Vader Posted August 25, 2014 Author Posted August 25, 2014 Chimp you're sort of right.. But there is a lot I am not posting about that situation. It's neither here nor there.. I don't blame her for it now. When I posted that I was hurt and angry. All of that said.. I don't know how I feel about this. If she had been honest I might have been able to move beyond it. The more I think about it the more I feel that.. It's the way she handled it. Who would leave someone with a question like that? Who would say you're all I want and there hasn't been anyone else? I think I'm just going to sit her down and talk to her about it. Find out the tuth and go from there.
mightycpa Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Maybe #11 is a toy of some sort. That said, the game playing is disturbing to me. Maybe it was drunken play, and maybe you just need a 100% sober conversation.
isisisweeping Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I feel that if you truly love someone even if you are technically single the last thing you're going to do is go sleep with another person. Especially 1-2 weeks after the break up.... Well that part is just not true at all. If she was really hurt and needed validation and in a low place she'd probably be more vulnerable at that time period. I don't know her or if she's healthy for you at all, and a nything else, but that has nothing to do with fidelity in and of itself.
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Varder I believe you will feel better or at least have some of this confusion cleared when you have a straight discussion with her. Seems this would be a better start to reconciling, than trying to pick up where you left off. All those things you haven't revealed makes me suspect you have much to discuss. Even if things don't work out, you will have closure. Best of luck.
Author Dork Vader Posted August 28, 2014 Author Posted August 28, 2014 I talked to her about it. Anyways this are starting to get more serious and I did not want to talk to her about it right now. But the fact that things were getting more serious forced my hand. I basically just said Friday night we had a conversation about numbers. It seemed like you were joking but it also seemed like you were trying to be honest. You basically made it seem like you had. That said I wont get up set but I need to know if you did sleep with another person. I don't want to find out months down the road that you did and so on.. She said she had not and said when would I have time? Then she told me the closest she got was exchanging numbers with another guy. He asked her out to have drinks.. But that they never did have drinks. I did say I don't get why you'd even joke about something like that or lead me to believe that.. She said she did not know and did not remember the conversation.. I feel she is being honest. I gave her no reason to hide it. I'm not going to worry about it anymore. If she was honest about the guy asking her to drinks, then she'd be honest about having sex with another man.
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