Should distance be considered when OLD?

[Georgia2014]

I sometimes get messages from men that live an hour or more away. Should I let distance like that be a deal breaker?

[thekid36]

I sometimes get messages from men that live an hour or more away. Should I let distance like that be a deal breaker?

 

I actually think that distance is only perhaps temporary. It is definitely something which can be worked out. If the will is there on both ends. What is much more important is the possible connection you have with someone. It may even make you miss out on being with the right one by limiting yourself to certain parameters.

[Georgia2014]

I actually think that distance is only perhaps temporary. It is definitely something which can be worked out. If the will is there on both ends. What is much more important is the possible connection you have with someone. It may even make you miss out on being with the right one by limiting yourself to certain parameters.

 

You have a good point on possibly missing out on the right one by not willing to extend the distance a little more.

[Zapbasket]

For me, there's just no contest. Starting a relationship with someone who already lives near you is so much easier. You get to know each other in a more real way, sooner, and you can gradually suss out whether you're compatible for a longer-term relationship without huge, blind displays of "commitment" in traveling long distances just to spend some time together. I put "commitment" in quotes because a commitmentphobe can hide behind distance so that you think you have a real relationship when really, they only had a toe in. This can of course happen in proximity because it's EMOTIONAL distance that is the most real culprit. But distance certainly complicates things, and muddies the waters.

 

I have politely refused chat requests online from people who live too far away. I say I'm concentrating on using the site to try to meet people who live in my area. So far, every guy has appreciated the honesty, and we wish each other luck.

[Gaeta]

I am not interested in someone living more than 40km from me. I want him to live close enough so we can get together on week nights. I don't want a weekend-boyfriend.

 

Also I don't believe I missing-out on great men by limiting myself to men that lives close. There are great men everywhere, far or close. I will stick with finding one that lives close.

[FitChick]

Meet in the middle.

 

If you are lonely or just want to get laid then date locally. If you are searching for your soulmate, distance isn't an obstacle.

[DazedandConfused8]

I sometimes get messages from men that live an hour or more away. Should I let distance like that be a deal breaker?

 

That depends. How often are you going to be comfortable driving one hour (I assume about 100-120 kilometres?) to see this person? Once a week? Twice a week? Once a month? That should give you your answer.

 

Or you can consider when one of you are considering moving to be closer together. Example: if one person is in the middle of nowhere, but they're planning to move into the city and will be closer to you, then why not?

[SDSweet]

Don't be silly, that's nothing--go for it. Give it a chance if he's someone you can trust!

[Mrin]

If you're looking for casual dating or companionship then absolutely. Dating a person who lives an hour plus away for companionship is like dating a mormon for casual sex (no offense to any LDS folk here).

 

But if you're looking for love, then don't let distance be a deterrent. Love is not always convenient. A lady I dated who lived four hours way from me once told me that. And its true. The woman I am madly in love with right now lives 3.5 hours away. We are both divorced with 50/50 custody. So I see her every other week. Not ten minutes ago we were chatting about how the distance works in our favor as the level of communication absolutely dwarfs what you have when you are dating someone just a few minutes away. More on that later:

 

So factors to consider when thinking about dating someone 1 hour or more away:

 

1. Actionable Plan: There must be an actionable plan to meet in person with some degree of frequency. That means each must have a car (or access to transportation). It needs to be directional - with both parties making the journey. By that I mean the dude has to be willing to pull his weight. I see far too many posts on LS where the lady is doing all the work. You should be able to get together at least twice a month.

 

2. Life stage: if you are in your 20's or wanting to settle down and start a family, this might not be for you unless one is willing to relocate. Not just a "ya, I would think about it" but really has the ability to relocate. If you're further along in your life, this becomes a little less important.

 

3. Communication: Both parties need to be strong communicators and enjoy communicating. Like good communication - banal text chats don't do much in the long run.

 

4. Trust and Self Confidence: Both parties need to be self confident and be able to trust. No trust, no relationship. You won't have those daily or every other day connections to reaffirm you're connection with each other.

 

All that being said, here's why my GF and I do and I think you'll see why it actually works in our favor.

 

1. We talk every night for at least an hour if not two on the phone. The only reason we hang up is because we need sleep. Conversations are genuine and deep. We've done FaceTime but while I love looking at her, the conversations turn superficial.

 

2. We text a bit off and on throughout the day. More just idle chit chat.

 

3. Almost every night we are apart I send her something before I go to bed. Sometimes it is a lengthy letter about something. Sometimes a short poem. Sometimes a link to something I found interesting with my thoughts on it. She reads them first thing in the morning a replies before going off to work.

 

So you see, it totally works for us. We are FAR closer that we would be if we lived 15 minutes apart. But we make it work in our favor. Such a relationship isn't for everyone. It works smashingly well for us. In fact, we have a joint blog we use as a repository for everything - our story if you will. She just shared two new poems she wrote a few minutes ago and they're precious to me. Ya, we are what Pablo Neruda was talking about.

 

Best of luck!

[PegNosePete]

My daily commute to work is about 30 minutes and I do that twice a day without (much) complaint. My rule of thumb is, I would travel just as far to meet someone.

[GemmaUK]

I'd much rather date someone local.

 

I've attempted LD three times and it's just not for me.

 

I thought it would be easy going and fun while also having some space to myself. I need my me time.

I'm the kind of person who some days, just once or twice a week I just want to know I have an evening after work where I can get home, do a bit of yoga to loosen up and de-stress from a busy day, cook something nice to eat, get the pots washed and sit with a glass of wine or iced water and watch tv or read a book and just relax and lose myself.

I am aware now that this isn't a normal thing to want to do in an LD as so much more contact and communication is required for an LD.

I suggested 'date nights' 3-5 times per week with my last LD so that I knew I could sometimes just have an evening like that but it never did happen as he was always available for a long call and he wanted one each night even after texting all day. If I did need a night off I would have to explain myself.

Due to all the texts and calls I found pretty quickly that I literally had no time to properly look after myself so I ended up always catching up with housework etc on a weekend in the daytime over the weekend I wasn't seeing him.

If he was visiting me on a weekend I would spend my Friday rushing around getting everything done in time for when he arrived.

 

Going up to see him involved a 6-8 hour train journey one way so on a Friday night I wouldn't get there until midnight at the earliest and then on the Sunday he wanted me to stay as late as possible which meant I had no time for any shopping nor washing so would roll into work on Monday totally unprepared for the week - and then could only do a little to catch up each night as the calls and texts were back on from the Monday as we weren't together.

I also couldn't do my own washing when he visited me as his needed to be done and there was no other space to hang things to dry. He worked away all week in his truck so at whatever time he arrived on a Friday night, midnight, 1am, 2am I had his washing to do and it needed hanging up to dry that night so it was dry enough for when he would leave Sunday night.

 

It was simply exhausting!

I tried time and again to organise myself and set boundaries but with the LD guys it wasn't possible as they were 'always available'.

 

You also can't just have 'dates'.

A whole weekend is the date so you very quickly have to learn to live together.

In the earlier stages it gives you much less chance to just reflect on whether you enjoyed the date night out that you had on the Friday (for instance).

Over a weekend so much can happen and if you disagree on something there is no time to think about it and I found it could be better to just brush things under the carpet as he was still gonna be there another day so I just made the best of it.

 

Contact via texts and mails was also much more time demanding with an LD. Before I was even awake there was a text to respond to. After we had had a call he would go back to texting me and he insisted I tell him goodnight when I was going to bed but then he would reply an hour later by which time I was asleep so that would wake me up if the phone was by my bed.

I always keep my phone charging by my bedside just in case something happens just for safety reasons but even on silent it would light up and wake me up so I took to leaving it downstairs.

 

He really wanted us to eventually move in together but his job would always mean he was away all week and it wasn't long before I realised that this was how life with him would always be as we would basically always be long distance. He loved his job and had no intention of living in a house all week.

 

I tried to break up with him a few times at which point he would agree to not needing so much contact but within a few days we would be back to square one.

 

I have found that guys who are more local need less contact. You can see them more often so I think maybe they have more chance to get to know you slowly so perhaps have more trust.

 

I never had a problem dating someone local and having space and time for me as well as plenty of space and time for him but with an LD and a busy job and a house to look after I just couldn't keep up with the demands.

I won't be going for an LD again unless the 'he' involved really does have a much more relaxed view of it.

[d0nnivain]

Distance is a consideration & only you know where you will draw the line. I don't think a hour is too bad. I travel at least that far sometimes farther for work so it's no big deal to me. Also I am an hour away from the big city so again, I was OK with that distance.

 

I wouldn't date somebody that I'd have to relocate to marry & I wouldn't voluntarily do an LDR again. I did a bi coastal thing n grad school where I was on the east coast & he was in Southern California.

 

But on balance, a hour seems OK even if it's the outer limits of what you will accept

[Georgia2014]

The furtherest I would be willing to go is 15 miles apart. That way we can still see each when we want with it being only a 30 minute drive one way.