My long story short. Have a look !

[mafia1]

Oh, boy, i'll need some real experts on this one or at least very patient guys to not want to stab or choke me.

First of all i want to apologize myself for any mistakes i could make because english is not my native language.

 

I'll have the need to write all down from the very beginning for being honest about everything and to get honest answers. It will be long post but please, take your time and read it because i'm sure you got left atleast once by somebody else and you know the need for support and advice.

 

 

I've met my girl 4 years ago in the summer. We both attended first year in university and by searching where to live (we do not have campus rooms) we met each other. First we searched for more ppl to rent a big flat but we fell in love and we decided that we could live together the two of us. Boy, i fell in love instantly. I never thought i'll find love like that.

Anyways, we moved in and lived together for a whole year. The thing i didn't knew back then was that she had an abusive ex bf. In that year she broke up with me several times because of that she wanted to "be" with her ex... who was miles away. I never cried so much in my whole life hearing her in the other room saying him on the phone that she loves him. How could i listen to the love of my life saying to another man she loves him? It was simply... devastating.

We got good times and we got bad times. It was my happiest year ever yet my saddest year so far.

At the end of the university year right before the summer we move out from the flat for the summer and... she dumped me. It was hard but somehow i spend the summer at my hometown. Funny thing was that i found another girl by the end of the summer and at the beginning of the new school year we got together. Sadly, just for one week. I never loved her. I just wanted to try with another girl. But my ex texted me back then that she could not live without me and can't stand that i'm with some other girl. Since i did not developed feeling for this girl and i was still inlove with my ex , i dumped the girl and got back to my ex.

We spend couple of months together but i didn't forgot what se did to me and it was impossible for me to show my love to her so i dumped her not to hurt her. I don;t recall exactly how many months we were separated but she contacted me again, telling me i was the love of her life and can't live without me. I decided to give it another shot. Yet i felt pain about what she did to me and we ended up soon.

Some time later we again got together but after several months and arguing 2-3 weeks straight we decided both to separate for good.

I thought that was it.

But after few months... oh, boy... I felt like i lost the love of my life, my soulmate, my life companion, my future wife... I decided to contact her and we began to exchange phone calls and messages. We decided to give us some time before we start over. In the fall i decided that i am ready to got commited and started chasing her. I tried to get with her 2 or 3 months and finally we got together.

 

I must say that i made a lot of mistakes, like taking her for granted sometimes, not listening what she had to say sometimes and stuff. She made a lot of mistakes too. We are both tough ppl to communicate and get along with.

So keep in mind i'm not the perfect boyfriend and i make mistakes all the time that i try to avoid in the future.

I must say that we broke up and got together a lot of times... like we broke up for 2 days and we got together again, so i don't count this times.

 

So we got together and started on a clean sheet. She told me she has been dating some other guy when we were separated but nothing much. I must say it was a rebound relationship. KEEP THAT IN MIND BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT!

 

We were together for 7 month straight. There were ups and downs but overall we were happy, made plans to live together and stuff.

 

Sadly for the summer we had to be separated in different towns. It was only for 2 months so we agreed to deal with it.

As soon as i left , the things seemed a little bit different. Few days in i asked her why and she told me that this long distance is not good for her and she could not express her feelings like when i was with her, but she will deal with it somehow for the summer.

Halfway through i made a mistake, i had the chance to go to see her but i didn't. Later she was mad at me because of that. It was ok after all.

Some time later i made another terrible mistake - she told me she was alone with her roommate (because his gf was on vacation for a few days) and anxiety kicked in. I started to doubt that she will cheat on me with him and i even said it to her. She god mad. The other day we never spoke. So i decided to finally go to visit her.

Long story short - she told me that she didn't love me anymore, she was unsure what she was feeling for me and for the other guy (from the past, the important thing) and she told me she do not want to be with me. She even said such a terrible thing that she slept with him several times (when we were together i asked her a lot of time did she just dated him or something more and she said that she only dated him a few times). She told me also that she slept with some other guy that i knew she slept 1 time and forgived her. But now she said she slept with him several times! I was... furious, mad, devastated, hurt. But i did not get angry because after all we were separated when all this happened. And i had the thought that she could lie me about all this just to test my reaction.

After all i left broken hearted and headed back to my city. As soon as i left she called me to come back. That was all i waited, i turned around right away. She waited there to hug me and to tell me she wanted to be with me, with no more explanations. I accepted it. I asked her if she wanted to be with me because she feel sorry for me (because i left with tears in my eyes) and she said no.

So after all i got back to my city. First days after that were magnificent! All was back - texting, calling and stuff. After a week she began to act different again.

I pretended i sense nothing, because she said me she had a hard time without me for the summer, she felt alone and stuff. So i decided not to fight with her and let the summer pass for all this to wash away.

 

2 days ago she told me on the phone she would go out with some friends including that guy from the past. I flipped out. I could not help but ask her why, told her i was worried and stuff. After all she said me that she don't see the problem since she told me that she didn't love me and stuff.

What the hell? I asked her. Why did she called me then to turn around so we could be together again?

She said that she felt lonely and she needed someone and thats why. I felt terrible.

 

We had an arrangement that i'll go to visit her for a couple of days on the 27th of august. She even asked me 2 times will i still can visit her then the days before. And now suddenly she told me not to go. I insisted but she got angry and told me NO, NO, NO! However she accepted that i'll go and even told me that she have shift changes (so i know when to go).

 

I can't imagine why she would finally accept me to go and why she would bother to tell me her changes if she doesn't love me for real and do not want to be with me?

 

I must say that she said she didn't love me in the past too... but we got together.

 

So my questions guys are 3:

 

1) Do you think that she really don't love me anymore or this is some kind of test, some kind of "change something in yourself or your behavior" sign? I can't imagine why she told me she never loved me in the first place and in the same time all the time we spend together she did all this romantic stuff for me, like presents, saying that she love me in romantic ways via text, letters and stuff.

 

2) What does it mean that she refused that i'll visit her many times but finally she agreed. If you do not want to see someone for real would you ever accept him or her to come to you?

 

3) I wonder how to act when i go. I feel like it will be very wrong if i start to discuss our relationship, future and even beg her to be with me, say that i love her and stuff. I don't feel right to act like a friend also because we are not friends. We are or we were a couple.

One of my serious problems and mistakes are that i want to know everything no matter the price. I ask, ask, ask some more. When i got the answer i feel like it's not true and proceed to ask.

So i bet she expects exactly that (maybe one of the reasons she broke up with me) and i expect her defenses to be to the maximum!

So i think i should not say a word about us, about our mistakes, relationship and stuff. I just want to spend the best days with her, doing stuff we never did and making sweet love to her.

The last time we had sex even she did not want us to be together so i think what she would agree now too. But i do not want to make sex to her. I want to make a really sweet love like all the playing before the act, even giving her head and stuff. I want to remember it.

What do you think, would that be a mistake?

 

 

So i think to go, when go for NC 3 or 4 weeks straight.

I just hope that this is another women trick and not serious about breaking up because she is the love of my life and i even wanted to propose to her the following year.

 

What do you think guys? Is it some kind of a test, a change yourself trick, or could she be serious about it?

[mafia1]

Nobody responding is not ok at all...

 

BUT NOW I NEED SOME SERIOUS HELP, FOR REAL!

 

I have now strong doubts that she is seeing the other guy and maybe sleeping with him.

GOD, she said she changed after the first year when i forgived her for the same behaviour.

How she could even tell me all those love me and **** and see him after all?

Why are women like that? Why are you, women, so ****ed up?

 

I'm in so much pain right now because i thought it was me (it may still be me tho..) causing the problems. But seriously? Him? She even told me she don't have him on facebook anymore and i believed but i see now it was a big lie.

 

I still have a little desire to be with her but the most i'm feeling right now is ****ing anger!

ARE YOU ****ING SERIOUS ABOUT THIS , BITCH? FOR THE SECOND TIME?

What the **** just happened. I want to kill this bitch, i want to kill that mother****er!

 

I considered go and meet with her in 2 days but now i don't know what to do. If i go i have strong doubts that i'll remain calm (i'm actually very calm, i don't even shout back), and when i'm angry (which is very, very rare) i get ****ed up big time and become another person that don't know what he is doing and there is a chance to speak up a lot of insulting words. I GET ****ING MAD! MADDER THAN HULK!

 

Why the **** would that ****ing bitch does this to me? How can she tell me she loves me and in the same time have another man in her mind. HOW?

 

Help me guys how to deal with this situation because i want to cry, i want to kill, then kill myself. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

[broken2828]

Dude, your relationship is poisoned. Ask yourself, do you really want to be with a woman who treats you this way? You would be worried that she'll cheat or break up with you for the rest of your life. Can you imagine marrying and starting a family and having this bull**** go down?

 

From what ive read you havent really done anything wrong. People question each other about infidelity, its natural when youre in love with someone to be jealous sometimes.

 

Youre going to meet another woman who treats you 10x better, your only concern should be not letting this bad experience taint your future one/ones.

 

You ask us to interpret her behavior. I think she likes drama and abuse.

[mafia1]

Man we've been through so much after all this time that i decided to forgive the past and i swear she was showing me really strong love. I felt loved. I thought everything will be fine AT LAST. We planned to live together and i even planed to propose her to be my wife? What the ****...

 

How can she tell me she loves me and a month later she decides that she don't love me anymore and she want another guy?

She said she tried to be with him and back then i even didn't knew what she's about because we were split.

 

And now this mother****ing bull**** on her facebook timeline?

 

"But it's just not so

And after all this time, I still can't let go..."

 

Keep in mind... she DELETED me and i CAN'T see that, a friend concerned what's going on told me. So i guess it's not meant for ME.

 

Anyways i must say that i'm not sure about this and i don't know if it's true or not. It's just my guess for the situation. Because it makes so much more sense to be that way than the other.

 

Anyways i'll still go to see her but not say a word about that. I want sex. And she is the only person that can give it to me right now. I'll **** hers brains out as much as i can for 2-3 days.

I think she'll agree because the last time she told me she didn't want to be with me was 3 weeks ago and she gave me a blowjob because she was in her period.

I'm sure this sound disgusting guys what i'm planning. But why the **** would i care about how that sound and feel when it's clear that she don't give a **** about my feelings and me anymore?

 

I should start my healing process and get over her, right. Maybe i feel that's the start.

I feel sorry for myself. I should have seen that coming a long time ago and spare some wasted time. 4 years, God, that is a long time in my 20's.... AND I'M EVEN IN COLLEGE! I missed so much from my college life. And this is my final year....

[Shields boy]

WOW dude, I think you need to calm down. You seem to have been driven into some kind of muderous rage over this girl.

 

You need to stay clear and forget about her as she is clearly not worth it.

 

Some women's hearts are fickle I'm afraid.

 

Get your head down and fully focus on your final year. Success can be the best form of revenge.

 

Good luck and happy healing

[Zeurich]

How ever the lover you are been a super idiot what I see when I read your novel. If you break with some one don't go back. The trust issues begun already. If you want my advice if you want to hear. Leave her behind and move on. She is kind of a woman who is failing with other men just using you to spend the time. If you need sex you can find just for that,,, don't you?

[mafia1]

Thanks guys.

 

I'm doing my best to calm down but it's a little bit hard.

 

I feel like a child that has his candy stolen away from him.

 

I had so much plans for our future , i've invested my whole time, energy, love. I've even stopped contact my friends as much as before just to have time for her and build my life around her.

And now all this is taken away, i feel empty, i don't know what to do anymore in the future.

 

Why does it have to be like that. How can some people be like that?

I went through all our messages, all the presents she gave me and stuff. All was filled with love. How can you love someone and in 1 month say that you don't love them more and you doubt that you've ever loved them. Because that's what she said - she gave HER the opportunity to realize if she love me or not for the past months. What the hell? What about my feelings? Who will give them the opportunity they deserve...

I don't know what to believe in anymore because it all seems like a big lie. You tell someone you love him everyday, make him presents just to know you love him and suddenly you doubt your feelings and even tell him you don't have love anymore?

[saltyfishhead666]

All I saw there was anger and swearing.

 

You my dear need an EX GIRLFRIEND and a punchbag (do not use said ex girlfriend as said punchbag btw)

[Chi townD]

Okay, you need to calm down. Personally, don't see her. Don't go!

 

 

First you make plans with her to meet up on the 27th for a few days. She was fine with it. Then, out of nowhere, she doesn't want you to come. NO! NO! NO! I believe is what she's quoted as saying to you. Why the sudden change of heart? I believe the OTHER guy became available and she couldn't see him if you were around. You bugged the hell out of her until she said, "Fine! Come out to see me!" So, I guess she's rescheduling with the other dude.

 

 

I would do this, just don't go! Go somewhere else and have a good time. Don't tell her that your not coming. Just don't show up! I guarantee you that she won't be as upset of the fact that she isn't seeing you as she will be upset of you screwing up her plans to be with some other dude! She'll be more mad about that, because she was expecting you. So, she can get mad all she wants, you always expected to have a faithful girlfriend. Sometimes we don't get what we want.

[mafia1]

I feel like i need to go because that is maybe the only way that i'll be sure if there is someone else really or it's just my imagination and trust issues.

 

No guarantee she won't kick me out in the first or the second day though...

 

I don't have real proof that she is seeing someone else, but i feel it deeply in my gut. Often i trust my instincts. They didn't let me down the first time...

 

I don't know why but i find it easier to cope if she is actually seeing someone than she broke up with me for no real reason. If she is seeing someone, why should i give a damn about her and about what we have? It's not my fault after all. I'm not the one that is seeing someone else and showing i don't care about my significant other.

In fact i hate those people. All i have for them is hate because they hurt feelings. Nobody have the power to hurt the others feelings ON PURPOSE.

 

I feel i should go. That is the only way for me to figure things out. Don't get me wrong - i'll not ask something about our relationship and why we broke, neither i am going to beg, cry or something. I just want to go and see her behaviour. I know her very well and i know when something is meant to be or not meant to be.

This will be like an excursion for me, i miss the city though. And if everything fails after all and i see no hope... at least we can **** each other several times for the last time and then i'll move on with my life like going full NC and regain the hobbies and activities i gave up for her.

 

Yet there is the possibility everything is fine and it's just a big misunderstanding. If it is so... i'll still do the NC and the other stuff but if she try to contact me i might consider to give her another chance if she really show me she changed and i'll not waste my time again.

 

 

I have the need to show you our last conversation to say what you think. I want to do this because of the post above, that she said NO NO NO and stuff. Anyways i'll not write down the whole conversation though.

 

Her: I don't see why you should come since you know how i feel about you.

Me: Because i want to. We agreed to spend some time together. That is why.

Her: NO! You would not come. If you come you'll sleep on the street.

Me: Fine! If that is how is going to be, sure i'll sleep.

 

She got angry and hung me up. I tried to call again but she did not answer.

15 minutes later she called me.

 

Her: What do you want?

Me: I just want you to know that i'll come because i'm tired of this **** and i'm tired of you breaking up with me on the phone every goddamn time. We are not little kids anymore and we can't decide such stuff over the phone anymore. I'm tired of it.

Her: Fine, come then. I'll have to let you know that my working schedule has changed. I'll work bla bla on 27, day off on 28 and bla bla on 29th.

Me: OK, have a nice day, see you on the 27th.

 

Anyways she refused for me to go, but after all she agreed and even told me her shift for the whole 3 days. This is confusing because if i do not want somebody to come i'll not let that happen by any means necessary. Said so why should i even bother to tell him my schedule?

 

That is why i am unsure if she is actually seeing the other guy or is it just a problem between us. It is just not logical to see somebody if you do not want to be with him. All of you guys have been there and i'm sure no matter how long you've begged, they neither saw you nor wanted to see you, am i right? If that is the case, why the hell would she accept to see me? I feel like this is some girl trick to change something, just don't know what and why it's got to be that way...

Edited August 25, 2014 by mafia1

[mafia1]

Ok guys i'll need some serious help now.

I've done a lot of reading in the night and now i am sure that my gf or ex gf is having BPD or Border Personality Disorder. As i roll back in the past i discover that she did almost everything that a person with BPD will do.

 

Anyways after discovering that the whole time the problem was not in me at all and i'm not crazy at all (because i thought i must be crazy like for real, having some mental disorder) this does not make me feel alright.

 

I assume that the fact we broke up so many times over little fights and that everytime she came back to me or even i she doesn't and i made the contact first... she agreed to come back, this will be one of them since we spend 4 years together and if she has BPD it wouldn't be really easy for her to move on.

 

I understand the fact that this is NOT the relationship that i want but also i discovered that there is a way to help those people and you can manage to get your relationship with them going pretty well. I understand also that this is worth a lot of effort, emotion breakdowns and stuff.

 

However even if i'm attached to her in the caring way (as the other person in such a relationship would be) i really love her and i know that in my heart. I really want to help her because besides her problem she is very good woman and i feel we can get along in life with her.

 

Any advice would be appreciated from people dealing with BPD partners. I know and i understand that logically i do not want this relationship but deep inside me i can't let go of her just like that.

[Requiem4Dreams]

If she does have BPD then you should run away, and run fast. Borderline personality disorder is not something that anyone should get tangled up with. Why the hell would you want to be with someone who has it?

 

I was in a relationship with a woman with BPD. It was literal hell, and she recycled the relationship 4 times before I wised up and ran the hell away. This isn't something that can be changed, it takes a massive amount of counseling to even make a dent in someone who has BPD and I guarantee that this person whom you think has it, will say it's not her, it's you.

 

People who have BPD blame everyone but themselves. They are incapable of owning up to their responsibility and project it unto others. They use sex as a tool for blackmail and power.

 

Honestly based on the thread I'm reading you could probably do good with some therapy yourself. No person willingly would want to be with someone who has BPD.

 

Talk about toxic.

[mafia1]

I'm pretty sure i don't need any kind of therapy. I was completely normal person before i met her.

 

The fact that keeps me thinking i could help her is that after all the reading i've done she don't have such behavior that is associated with strong BPD.

 

Yes there are some thing she would get mad about for no actual reason (like i ask her "what will you do later" and she gets mad that she don't know and stuff)

but in fact there were times that she actually admitted she was wrong for something.

No suicidal thoughts, no self harm either.

She never used sex for anything i guess because i've never felt it that way.

There were some times that she would get upset if we did not had sex because i was tired but not a big deal - the next day it was gone.

[mafia1]

I forgot to say that today is my girl's birthday and i don't know what to do.

Should i call her or text her? I feel like i don't want to, really...

 

But in the end i'll still go to see her tomorrow because i'm not sure of anything. I'm not sure if everything is going to be alright, i'm not sure if there is another man involved or not, i'm not sure if the have BPD or now. So i feel i should go.

 

Would it be awkward that i don't wish her happy birthday today yet still go tomorrow? I fear that if i wish her happy b-day today she will refuse again that i'm going tomorrow and i will be very disappointed because i got my luggage ready, my car ready, her present ready (i can't be cruel bastard after all, she still have b-day and needed to get one for her).

 

What do you guys think ? Should i save my happy b-day wish for tomorrow when i'll go?

[Zahara]

Good god. Your behavior only feeds into her madness. You are as dysfunctional as she is.

 

I can't even believe you're chasing this woman. Where the heck is your backbone? Find it because if some man tossed me around like a rag doll, I'd be walking the other way. Instead you're chasing her because you need to be validated. BPD, NPD, OCD -- whatever disorder or non-disorder she has or you have, this was never a relationship. There is no love but a toxic dependence on each other. There is nothing healthy about the way both of you behave.

 

I will tell you, that as a woman, the most unattractive thing a man can do is act like a doormat.

[mafia1]

I'll make a promise here just to see it if i need to.

I'll go tomorrow to spend a couple of days with her as planned and then i'll go NC and move on with my life.

 

I take all your blame on me. I was not that kind of person before i met her. I don't know if i had fault in our relationship but i sure do have fault that i did this to myself or more precisely i let that happen to myself.

 

Every bad thing has a good aspect though - i've gained a few pounds before the summer and was too lazy (who am i lying, a was busy dealing with her **** all the time) to lost them. In the past days i lost them. Not in a very healthy way though but it's still something.

[Zahara]

I'll make a promise here just to see it if i need to.

I'll go tomorrow to spend a couple of days with her as planned and then i'll go NC and move on with my life.

 

I doubt it. After the many times that she has told you she doesn't love you, after the many times she's toyed with you about being with other men, after the many times she has pulled you back and pushed you away because she was using you as a crutch -- if all that hasn't slapped some sense into your head, then seeing her again is only going to make you fall far deeper into your hole.

 

As I've said before, some people need to be beaten to a pulp to learn. You will have to learn the hard way.

[mafia1]

I'm not going to fall anywhere! I'm serious about this. It takes long for me to have enough but after this time i HAD enough.

 

Don't ask me why i'll go but i feel like i need to. Not just to see her but to accomplish something for myself that i don't know how to describe. I have a gut feeling that i should go, but at the end i still realize that this is the end and there is nothing more i could/should do.

 

I feel somehow lonely yet relieved after all.

[Zahara]

I'm not going to fall anywhere! I'm serious about this. It takes long for me to have enough but after this time i HAD enough.

 

Don't ask me why i'll go but i feel like i need to. Not just to see her but to accomplish something for myself that i don't know how to describe. I have a gut feeling that i should go, but at the end i still realize that this is the end and there is nothing more i could/should do.

 

I feel somehow lonely yet relieved after all.

 

You need to go because she's like a drug and you need a fix. That's what toxic relationships do to you. And you need to see her so that you can be validated, feel that you were/are loved because you can't stand the fact that maybe she didn't/doesn't.

 

If one has had enough, they don't revisit what has exhausted them. They stay away from it.

 

Your situation is not unique nor is it an exception. You're not the first one that has come on here with delusional thoughts of having enough when deep down inside, the only reason you're going back is because you want that one more chance, because maybe this time, this one last time, things can be different. It's always easier to tell yourself what you want to hear.

 

Good luck. I hope for you to stay true to your word and stay NC after your meeting with her.