dammit, I want a breadcrumb!!!

[Ordinaryday]

confession time: while I desire no contact from most exes, there is one ex I was with for awhile and we did EVERYTHING together.... she told me she loved me, that she was happy to be with me, felt lucky to be with me, said that I made her feel special, etc.

 

anyway she dumped me about two years ago and since then I have heard NOTHING from her, absolutely NOTHING. to be fair I did tell her to leave me alone and not contact me, but I always kind of expected to hear SOMETHING from her....

 

I knew she wouldnt want me back, or change her mind or nothing, but I always at least expected a "hi how are you?" or "happy birthday" breadcrumb or something...

 

just SOMETHING, however small, that would tell me I meant something to her and she at least occasionally she has me in her thoughts....

 

but I have gotten nothing, absolutely nothing, in two years and it feels like crap... even though I wouldnt respond and I could never be just friends with her I admit getting a breadcrumb would feel nice because it would tell me that at least I meant SOMETHING, however small, to her.

 

but I have gotten NOTHING in two years, and I admit this kills me. after the first year of getting nothing I actually thought she must be dead but then I saw her in the street (I turned the other way and walked away quickly) in the city so I know she is still alive...

 

and even though a breadcrumb would be all but meaningless it would at least tell me that I meant something, however tiny, to her. the fact that she has not contacted me AT ALL, NOT ONCE, since the day she dumped me absolutely breaks my heart.

 

I want a breadcrumb! even though I know it means nothing I still want one!!

 

does anyone else feel the same way???? did you ever get that breadcrumb after you had long accepted you would never hear from them again? did getting the breadcrumb make you feel better... or worse???

[Lostdreams]

Lol I love how you wrote this - no I haven't had a breadcrumb yet but it's only been 2 months not 2 years.

 

I understand where you're coming from. I personally would absolutely like a breadcrumb as well - not that I would answer it - but at least if the ex would reach out it kind of validates the time spent together

 

Will it change my life if he does or doesn't ? Not really, he didn't want me in his life anymore - so I guess I am looking for a whole new loaf of bread instead of only breadcrumbs

 

Thanks for making me smile today

[Ordinaryday]

the thing is I 100% advocate full NC and I would never respond to a breadcrumb anyway.... and out of all the exes I have been with I dont want to hear from most of them, I would resent getting a breadcrumb from most of them....

 

but just this one girl.... we did everything together and I have not heard one single word from her since the day she dumped me almost two years ago!

 

I WAS CERTAIN on the day she dumped me that I would get a breadcrumb, I was certain.... and then nothing.

 

even though I would never respond to it just getting one would be validation that I meant something to her! I want that!

 

and even if it was just meant to relieve her guilt I dont care COS AT LEAST GUILT IS A GENUINE HUMAN EMOTION.... cos right now the way she has not once contacted me in two years.... I just dont understand how I can go from meaning the world to her to her not speaking to me once in two years!

 

even if I got a breadcrumb and it was clear she was just feeling guilty I would be happy... because guilt is better than this complete and utter total indifference it looks like she feels now. hell, I would rather she HATED me than be completely indifferent to me!

[True Gent]

Breadcrumbs aren't all that TBH. I've had a few since the breakup in October/November. They just make you think "so what"?!

 

My ex apparently feels incredibly guilty and she has to live with that everyday. Well boo hoo! So what? She still crapped on almost 10 years and she knew what she was doing when she was doing it. These breadcrumbs really mean nothing.

 

She even thanked me for being in her words " a wonderful partner for almost 10 years". Again, so..? If she thought that much of me she wouldn't of left with another man.

 

Breadcrumbs are an annoyance, because it's just BS to try easing their conscience if they hurt you badly. It doesn't change what they've done, how things currently are, or how cut up you've been.

 

If you haven't received a breadcrumb take it as a sign that they are moving on and that you should to. You must of meant something to them at one point otherwise you'd of never had a relationship with them. 2 years is a long time to still be wanting to hear something. You're better off just not wasting your energy, because they certainly aren't.

[Ordinaryday]

Breadcrumbs aren't all that TBH. I've had a few since the breakup in October/November. They just make you think "so what"?!

 

My ex apparently feels incredibly guilty and she has to live with that everyday. Well boo hoo! So what? She still crapped on almost 10 years and she knew what she was doing when she was doing it. These breadcrumbs really mean nothing.

 

She even thanked me for being in her words " a wonderful partner for almost 10 years". Again, so..? If she thought that much of me she wouldn't of left with another man.

 

Breadcrumbs are an annoyance, because it's just BS to try easing their conscience if they hurt you badly. It doesn't change what they've done, how things currently are, or how cut up you've been.

 

If you haven't received a breadcrumb take it as a sign that they are moving on and that you should to. You must of meant something to them at one point otherwise you'd of never had a relationship with them. 2 years is a long time to still be wanting to hear something. You're better off just not wasting your energy, because they certainly aren't.

 

I know exactly how you feel and I have always hated the fake-polite platitudes accompanying many breadcrumbs like one I got which said "I will always treasure the time we spent together" and, similar to you, I did not take it well, rather all I could think was "well you obviously don't 'treasure' it too much cos if you did you wouldnt have tossed me out of your life".

 

that's why I have learned to not respond to breadcrumb's because however you respond they win: respond nicely and they can tell themselves "oh thats so nice, he was friendly to me, he must not feel too bad about me dumping him, now I can move on with my life, how lovely" and all their guilt is gone, and respond badly and they will think "oh what a jerk! thank god I dumped him, totally made the right decision!". either way they 'win', they only way for you to 'win' is to just ignore the breadcrumb.

 

still... getting one would be nice for a second.... but I know it just makes it harder later.... cos if you get one and then you realise they just wanted to say hi but they still dont want you back... well that can be a huge set back!

[erklat]

It is a year for me soon. I can most certainly say that she definitely is not treasuring anything and

I will most likely never talk to her again even though we live in the same small town.

 

That is just like life gives to me in situations like this. And this will be no exception.

[elseaacych]

I know that feel, OrdinaryDay.

 

It would be nice. But useless. Do you really want your chain yanked?

 

Something tells me you are feeling lonely. I start wishing for breadcrumbs when I feel lonely, but the few times I initiated contact with my ex, I only felt lonelier. I haven't gotten anything from him since we broke up. Oh well, but I only worry about it when I feel lonely. You've been a great source of support on this forum, and it stinks to hear you are feeling like this.

 

Can you go hang out with friends or family for awhile, who can build you up?

[Hoosfoos]

Be careful what you wish for. Trust me, they don't make you feel any better.

[Zapbasket]

I totally know how you feel, OP. The drama of the relationship dynamic is over and you are just a person out in the world, no longer someone to react against like in a relationship. You want your ex to reach past all that crap that broke you up and acknowledge YOU, the person who initially attracted her and inspired her to love you. A breadcrumb is a way of saying, "Hey, you really mattered." Unfortunately, depending upon the character and self-awareness of the ex giving the breadcrumb, it can also mean, "I am not aware enough of my own emotions and their origins to work them through within myself and so I am still playing out some part of our old relationship drama and reaching out to you for my own selfish validation needs."

 

I'm in your shoes now where it has been one year and NOTHING.

 

But in a previous relationship, where my ex ended our 5 years with the coldest, most condescending email I hope ever to receive and point-blank told me he did not want to see or speak to me ever again, one year and eight months later he called me. He left a voice mail saying he was calling to say hi and hoping we could talk in the near future. I didn't return his call, though it nearly killed me not to, and he never called again. So yeah, breadcrumb; yeah, I was still on his mind; but what kind of validation to my worth as a woman and human being was it if he didn't care about me enough to apologize for his cruelty at the relationship's end and / or to ask for a reconciliation? If you want to read about one experience with a breadcrumb, here's the thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/165921-finally-i-received-call-i-d-wished-so-long

 

That said, at present I am in the same shoes as you, and the ONLY thing I want is meaningful contact from my current ex. It would mean the world to me even if it is the lamest breadcrumb ever--because if all he can muster is a moldy flake of a breadcrumb, then that will only help me move on emotionally from him. Of course, I would like a delicious, fluffy breadcrumb that intimates it could be the starter for a loaf and then a whole host of loaves, like Jesus made. But for that to happen, Jesus would seriously have to intervene, to inspire a Biblical-scale epiphany in my ex.

 

Still, I wish; still, I hope. It is illogical and it sucks.

 

I'm with you.

[Tomboy917]

Hi, from woman to woman, why did it "kill you" not to return your ex's call? He sounded like a douche. I've never understood the whole wanting a breadcrumb or acknowlegment for douchebag exes. Frankly, when a relationship is over because of cheating/any kind of disrespect, I promptly block and move on. When and if they try to make contact (and they always do, for whatever reason) I promptly delete/trash whatever they send and keep on with life. The way I think about it, wishing a douchebag ex would contact you is like hoping the garbage man would come back and return something smelly you threw away a year ago. Why would anyone want that?

[Zapbasket]

Hi, from woman to woman, why did it "kill you" not to return your ex's call? He sounded like a douche. I've never understood the whole wanting a breadcrumb or acknowlegment for douchebag exes. Frankly, when a relationship is over because of cheating/any kind of disrespect, I promptly block and move on. When and if they try to make contact (and they always do, for whatever reason) I promptly delete/trash whatever they send and keep on with life. The way I think about it, wishing a douchebag ex would contact you is like hoping the garbage man would come back and return something smelly you threw away a year ago. Why would anyone want that?

 

I think, Tomboy, because I'm unfortunately susceptible to magical thinking. I wanted SO BADLY for that ex (and my current one--it's a deep-seated pattern) to be what I needed them to be. I thought that if I lit a fire under them, they could become that, they would WANT to become that. I wasn't talking about them changing their core personality, but their narcissistic woundedness that was harming me and our relationship. My 2007 ex was problematically uncommunicative. My most recent ex was highly prone to irritability and derisiveness and relished getting under my skin. I begged them to stop those behaviors; I got mad at them for not stopping, or trying to stop. I wished they would stop; I imagined that they COULD stop, that it was a matter of willingness and not capability.

 

Not returning my ex's call was me finally acknowledging that he was never going to be communicative the way I needed him to be. And the fact that he didn't call with an apology showed even more that he was continuing in his cowardly, uncommunicative ways. It killed me because it was me finally accepting what had seemed so incomprehensible, and unacceptable. It was very painful...and even today, there's a glimmer of a wish in me for contact from him saying, "Sorry."

[Tomboy917]

Thanks for explaining. I went back and read your story and honestly, I'm relieved you didn't call your ex because I knew how that was going to end. Whether you want to believe it or not, simply calling your ex back would've given him an ego boost. You don't need to compliment someone to boost their ego, all you have to do is acknowledge them. That's how the human ego works, by acknowledgement- good or bad. And that's why no contact has such a powerful effect on people- because it goes right to the ego and issues a huge blow through lack of acknowledgment. So kudos to you for being strong and ignoring, because if you did call (no matter what you said) it would've been an ego boost to your ex and you most certainly would have lost a bit of self-respect in his eyes as well as yours. Ultimately, I can see that you have emotions tied to this person and that means you haven't totally healed and moved on. Indifference at his call, and a smile to yourself when you listened to his vmail, before promptly deleting it, would signify that you have moved on. The fact that you ruminated and expended so much mental energy on whether to call means you are still in a vulnerable state of mind. Although you are stronger, I can still clearly see you are vulnerable. Professionally, I am a clinical psychologist and I frequently I meet women with stories like yours and their exes (or current significant others) are flat out narcissists and some are sociopaths. There are very bad people out there, who feed on the emotions and vulnerability of others, and that exactly what sociopaths and narcissists are. Narcissists and sociopaths are not at all uncommon (the average is 1 in 20 people), and women are especially vulnerable to men with these personality disorders- which are not curable by the way. Flat out, I'd take a bet your ex is one of these people. And I would strongly urge you to keep him out of your life and forget about getting an "I'm sorry" (which won't be genuine btw). You have to cut him out like cancer. In fact, I always tell my patients and women I counsel to think of people like your ex as cancer. They will eat you alive and destroy you. And once the cancer is gone (whether you left him or he left you), be happy. Extremely happy to be cancer free! Have you ever met a cancer patient? All would give anything to be cancer free. No one, ever, in the history of time, has ever said "Gee, I sure miss that cancer. I wish I could just have it back for a few minutes to say hello and catch up." See what I mean?

[Tomboy917]

Also, the fact that you recognize a pattern of magical thinking in relationships and picking these types men, I'm even more convinced you may have issues with "co-dependency". There are certain types of people drawn to narcissists/sociopaths, and types of pathological people do seek out individuals who display traits such as insecurity and c-dependency. So I would strongly encourage you to start researching narcissists and how to avoid/cut them off, as well as seek counseling to gain more insight on yourself, and how become stronger, more confident and a "take no BS type of person. My 2 cents.

[guest569]

OP had the 2 extremes.. One stalking you for 10 yrs trying to make contact, and nothing from the other..

 

I also wish to hear from my ex.. It would feel like he cares and i mean something to him. But he knows how upset i will get if he contacts me when I'm trying to get over him, he said he will leave me be, but it feels like he doesn't care or think of me.

[mtnbiker3000]

Breadcrumbs do not indicate anything about how an ex feels about you. Or whether or not they miss you or think about you. They are usually just to relieve guilt or verify they made a good decision by ending things. They are 100% for the dumper and 0% for the dumpee. Why would you want that??

[jb82]

My favorite received breadcrumb took just under two years to receive. The ex called me to wish me a happy birthday after not having spoken to or seen me since the breakup day. I struggled with it in the past as it seemed like he never cared but I had gotten over it by this time. It was my favorite breadcrumb because I got to tell him that I was in Vegas with my new boyfriend and didn't have time to talk. The satisfaction of that was the best and I never heard from him again.

 

After a different but very harsh breakup I changed all of my contact information partially so that I wouldn't dwell on waiting for a call or contact. I can now say - yeah he probably tried to call but couldn't get through, etc. I will never know, but it doesn't bother me at this point.

[Tomboy917]

AWESOME! Breadcrumbs are all for the dumper and a way for them to slither their way back into our lives. I love stories like yours because it's the best revenge. Living well and indifference. Some dumpers are so self-centered they actually believe dumpees are waiting around for them. They're totally delusional and they truly believe they are so "special" that they can make contact years later. LOL! I have stories similar to your Vegas b-day and it's such a DELICIOUS moment closing the door firmly in an ex's face and watching their ego crash. THE BEST!

[Tomboy917]

This is very interesting! For my own knowledge and growth I'd really like to know more about your situation and mindset if you don't mind sharing. Being that you're a guy too, I'd really like your perspective because it will give me more insight into the male mind during breakups. So first, despite the fact that you told your ex not to contact you, you still want her to contact you? Interesting. Why did you and your ex breakup? Was it cheating or something you caused? I had a similar breakup situation, where I initially dumped my ex but his initial indifference made me feel like the dumpee.Actually, I think in some twisted way he was intentionally being a jerk and cheated so I would be the one to pull the plug on our relationship. Or maybe he just believed that I would stick around for his crap. I don't know.

 

 

Anyways, I dumped him 1 year ago and to my shock he agreed. I guess I expected him to fight for us but when he didn't it sort of set me into a panic and I immediately changed my mind and tried see if we could work things out. He said no, and I was shocked. So in an instant I became the dumpee. Anyways, I kept asking him to reconsider for about 10 minutes and he refused, then had the audacity to try to blame me for my cheating. Interestingly enough, this was our 2nd breakup- both times were initiated by me. We had broken up 1 month before because he was being disrespectful and I "sensed" he was cheating, so I pulled the plug. The next day I caved because I really didn't have solid proof of him cheating. Still, he accepted the breakup (the 1st one), didn't admit to any cheating though, and then I caved and blew up his phone the next day. At that time I still didn't trust him but I was being needy. I see that now. Anyways, after some "declarations of my love" (when I think back it's laughable now because I never truly loved him. I thought he was lousy in bed and I always felt he was douchebag. But I was just in a bad place in my life at the time, so I clung to him to escape reality). Anyways, during our 1st breakup, I came back and he did make me beg for a while, before he agreed to try again. Our relationship continued for about one month, he continued with the disrespect and lying, and then finally I caught him cheating. Unfortunately, I repeated the same pattern during the 2nd breakup and I started to backpeddle again when he agreed to the breakup. He seemed so calm about the whole thing and I remember he had this smug look on his face. I think me caving before during the 1st breakup, and then again, made him feel like he had some type of control over me. I truly believe he thought I'd be back the next day begging him back.

Anyways, just to see definitely if he was as much of a douche as I figured (and to see if he was even willing to accept responsibility for cheating) I gave him one last chance and I told him that if he truly didn't want to work things out I would leave and never come back. My exact words were, "If you don't fight for us, then that will be it." He asked what I meant and I repeated word by word looking he straight in the eye. "That. Will. Be It." He said "OK, goodbye." Once he did that it was like a lightbulb came on and I was truly done. It was like flipping a switch. I immediately left his apartment, without saying another word, and never looked back. In that instant I finally saw him for the manipulative piece of trash he was and I was truly happy to be rid of him. It was like a weight was off my back. Funny enough, right after I left his apartment (not even 5 minutes later) he went on Facebook, changed his status to "Single" and began openly flirting with women. I knew he was doing it to hurt me and get me to come running back. I smiled and didn't. His true colors were on full display and I then immediately deleted him on Facebook, deleted all his friends/family, blocked his number and promptly moved on with my life.

 

 

 

Also, I should add this his birthday was the next day, and I think this gave him even more confidence that I'd contact him. But I didn't call. LOL. In fact, I went on a date with a cute guy the day after and had a blast! The next day, he sent me a Facebook friend request. I ignored it and blocked him. I have a Youtube channel and he commented on one of my videos. I deleted the comment and blocked him. Then 2 months ago he added me on Twitter and sent a tweet congratulating me on something. I didn't respond and blocked him on Twitter.

 

 

It's now been a little over a year since the breakup and life is GRAND! Don't miss him at all (I actually never missed him after the breakup), I'm dating someone awesome, and now I come across your post! At first I thought you were my ex, LOL! I haven't seen my ex since the breakup 1 year ago though we live in the same city. I've never tried to avoid running into him, and if I saw him I'd ignore him. No mean looks or anything, I'd just walk by like he was a stranger. But surprisingly we haven't crossed paths, or maybe he has seen me and ran away before I saw him. LOL! Either way, now it makes me wonder if my silence eats away at my ex the same way the silence from your ex eats away at you. Could my ex be feeling like I never cared. Do you think my ex thinks me me the same way you think about your ex- like the relationship never meant anything to me? Suffice to say, my ex is dead to me and will never get any acknowledgement from me. My very last words to him were not a bluff. I sure he sees that now. LOL. I'm totally indifferent to his existence and it feels great to have him out of my life. But still, your post caught my eye and I'd like your input on the previous questions regarding my ex's state of mind. Your thoughts?

[Bigmess2]

me ex ex (the one before my most recent) I was with for 4 years. He started his next relationship 2 weeks after we broke up... He's still with her now (over 2 years later) He is VERY random with leaving me breadcrumbs. I got my first 1 a month after we broke up, the next about 4 months after. Both just sparked very small talk.

 

5 months after the break up he left me a breadcrumb and he wound up coming to my house and we ended up having sex (very random- I didn't realize he still had the girlfriend otherwise I would have NEVER done that. It was literally wam bam thank you ma'am but it actually brought me so much closure. I realized he was a pig and I didn't need that)

 

After that he texted me at least once a month. I'd text back until I had gotten into my relationship. Then anytime he would text I would never respond. I'd say he tries to text me every 3-6 months. Usually with a random comment I never answer. I always wonder why he continues to send them because I'd never text someone if they continued to ignore me.

 

With my most recent ex (ended 3 weeks ago) I have yet to receive a breadcrumb. I'd love one as well. Just so you know you were a thought in their minds for a brief moment. You never know though... I think about my ex pretty much every second of the day and I haven't made any sort of contact to him either. But only because he ended it and i'm not brave enough to reach out.

[mtnbiker3000]

Living well and indifference... it's such a DELICIOUS moment closing the door firmly in an ex's face and watching their ego crash. THE BEST!

 

Meh. Kind of a contradiction here. If you are indifferent (the goal), then it shouldn't be delicious at all. You should care less about their ego and where it is or isn't. If not, than clearly it is still in the forefront of your heart and mind. Such an activity should be rather 'tasteless'

[Always Pondering]

Ordinaryday, I completely understand how you feel. Similar to your situation (with the exception that she contacted me once to relieve guilt, which I fell for), we did everything together, got dumped, then told her to never contact me again. It's been about a year since and expected a "Happy Birthday" breadcrumb as well. I've had moments before where I'd want a breadcrumb, with the belief that it would make me feel significant in some sort of way.

 

As time goes on and on, I've actually become more grateful that I haven't received one since I told her to not contact me. Whether it's because she has moved on or is respecting my wishes (or both), it's helped my healing. I always see you advocating NC all the time, you and I both know that breadcrumbs wouldn't help us. Sure, we may get an emotional high for the time-being but what does it ultimately accomplish? Nothing!

[Ordinaryday]

thanks for your responses guys, I posted this during a lonely moment and I now realise that I dont really want one, your responses helped!

 

I also got a different breadcrumb recently from a different ex and it just made me sad, it didnt bring me closure.

 

it was a very general email telling me how she is going, saying she hopes there are no hard feelings, etc.

 

I had not thought about this ex in ages and getting this email did not but remind me of her dumping me, and it put me in a bad mood for days! I wished she never sent it!

 

sometimes dumpers just dont stop to think

[emotionalMess]

I totally understand however my approach would be different. I would not mind a breadcrumb either and for the same reasons as you but, I actually would respond to it. My reasoning is, not responding sends a message that you are still butt-hurt. Responding but with true indifference makes for a much better story - a complete reversal/turn of the tables. She sends the message to ease her guilt only to find you so over her it's laughable.

 

My response would be something like this:

Hi! Its been a long time and it is good to hear from you. We had some great times together and I will always cherish my past with you. Take care of yourself and thanks for thinking about me.

 

I would not go into any detail about my life after she removed me from hers.

[Sugarkane]

I understand how you feel aswell. No one wants to be forgotten or insignificant. It doesn't help the vast majority on this site, get contacted/ always break NC.

[Missy0724]

I just did what EmotionalMess said... My ex emailed me last week (day after what would have been our anniversary-interestingly enough!) to say, "Hi, how are you? Sorry I haven't contacted you bc I wanted to give you time and space."

 

I waited few hours, then responded, "Thanks. I understand. All is good! Busy with getting son ready for school. Hope is well with you."

 

That's it. Felt good. Didn't ignore, or be rude. Just wanted to be clear I'm fine, apathetic. Which I am after two months post break up. He broke up with me. It sucks, but I'm not interested in someone who doesn't want to be with me. And maybe someday we can be friends. But that's not today. And Im not wasting precious energy thinking about what the future may bring, with this person who hurt me. I'm pretty sure he just stroking his own ego, by contacting me. There are some personal things going on in my life, that he knows about. Did he ask me about those? Nope. Sorry, that's NOT a friend. (after break up he wanted to remain friends...) but has not shown that to be true at all, by his actions or words. So, Sorry! Not very interested...

 

Not sure how he took my email, or if he will ever contact me again. I'm ok with that. Life goes on. It always does...