imstatic Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Hello everyone, A couple of weeks ago I experienced my third break-up and I couldn't help to notice a pattern between them. Is honesty my biggest mistake or my greatest quality? Should I have invented a beautiful dream, instead of saying the harsh reality? So, the question here is: When it comes to the ladies, am I supposed to speak the truth or make up fairy-tales that aren't going to come true? Either way, she won't be happy with the outcome... A. Truth B. Lie A little bit of BACKGROUND if you're interested I am a hard-working guy and move around a bit in order to climb up the ladder. It's no secret, people who come in contact with me can see that about me. I'm definitely not perfect, looooots of flaws. Anyway, when I've gotten into a relationship, it hasn't been with promises of marriage, kids and so forth. Even when asked about it, I've always expressed that it wasn't in my plans, that I was planning to move to another place and get a better life. Nevertheless, time goes on like nothing happened, only to later break up in bad terms. She starts feeling insecure about her feelings, hanging out more with her suspicious "friends", etc. etc., arguments, and finally heartbreak. My exs mentioned the same thing in different ways: "I was sure I could have made you change your mind and we could have started a life together...". In the end, they each found a way get back at me for ... what??
guest569 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Are you just venting/expressing anger or actually asking? No, you have to be truthful and they have to accept it or get out. Why bother lying about it ? You're not in it for the long haul so you're lying to what.. Prolong the inevitable breakup. 1
redbaron005 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Honesty is a good thing. So I'll be honest. I think your priorities are in the wrong place. If it's all about you carving out a better life for you by making more money and building a career, where does that leave them? Sounds pretty selfish and misguided. Love is all there is, and if you really love someone you will make them part of your plans and make sacrifices for them. Your ex was justified in leaving because you basically said, I don't love you enough for you to have a say in our future. 3
guest569 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 And did you use the words "it's not in my plans" or "i dont want to get married and have children"?
Smilecharmer Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 What was in it for them if you just wanted a sexual partner only? It isn't a gf unless feelings and a future is somehow present for some people. Maybe they thought they could change you because they are immature, but at the end of the day you must be honest or you will lead people on even more. Be even more brutal and tell them right off....I don't want any future with you or love. I just want sex. I will never change my mind because I'm just in this for me. 1
Author imstatic Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 Are you just venting/expressing anger or actually asking? No, you have to be truthful and they have to accept it or get out. Why bother lying about it ? You're not in it for the long haul so you're lying to what.. Prolong the inevitable breakup. I'm actually asking... I've known couples who've had better breakups just by "living the dream". In the end one of them knows it's not going to last, but they keep playing anyway.
Author imstatic Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 And did you use the words "it's not in my plans" or "i dont want to get married and have children"? Yes, I did ....
Author imstatic Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 What was in it for them if you just wanted a sexual partner only? It isn't a gf unless feelings and a future is somehow present for some people. Maybe they thought they could change you because they are immature, but at the end of the day you must be honest or you will lead people on even more. Be even more brutal and tell them right off....I don't want any future with you or love. I just want sex. I will never change my mind because I'm just in this for me. I agree with what you're saying, except it wasn't only about the sex. It was like a regular relationship but with an undefined expiration date. Like the ones people focused on their careers have. I just want to understand why they weren't as "honest and brutal" with me? Why start cheating? Why not just break things off? why am I suddenly ending up like the selfish bad guy?
guest569 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Yes, I did .... Ok so you used both phrases? Cause "plans" can be changed which is probably why they thought they could change your mind. But stating clearly that you do not want to marry or have kids should be crystal clear but I am confused, are you talking about the breakup, or during the relationship?
guest569 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I'm actually asking... I've known couples who've had better breakups just by "living the dream". In the end one of them knows it's not going to last, but they keep playing anyway. A better breakup by living the dream? Huh? That is just cruel. For one thing, the "couple" doesn't have a delightful breakup, the person who was lying had a great time but the one who has been heartbroken doesn't. Just find other casual people, why would you set out to break their hearts?
Woggle Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 It is a good policy. If they knew what the score was from the start how can they blame you? If they weren't happy with it they should have said so instead of cheating. Don't let anybody make you feel bad about building a life for yourself.
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 When it comes to the big issues like that yes honesty is the best policy. You were honest with these women. They weren't honest with you because they told you they were OK with your choice but then got mad because you didn't change the way they secretly thought you would. It's OK to fudge a little -- or at least be diplomatic -- on the small stuff: Yes, I love eating your eggplant chickpea surprise; No of course you don't look fat in that; I am happy to go pick up your mother at the air port 2 hours out of my way. But marriage & kids, you are best to be upfront about that.
JDPT Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I've learned through past relationships that being honest with Yourself and is best relationship policy. You expressed your intentions loud and clear to your partner and not everything has to align perfectly in order for things to mover forward. I think, and you can correct me if I'm wrong that you are prioritizing your career/future which is an amazing thing and perhaps may not be emotionally ready to contemplate a relationship. Take your time to sort things out no need to rush it, life will always go on, never remain stagnant.
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