Supernatural Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 It's always struck me as odd that people that profess to love being single post on a message board dedicated to love and relationships. Somewhere there's a disconnect... People love to be single when all they have experienced are prisons of relationships. Being coupled is much healthier and better for someone, obviously. It's just finding that right person to invest in... And that search alone is exhausting. Because 9/10 people wont be a fit. 2
Smilecharmer Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 It's always struck me as odd that people that profess to love being single post on a message board dedicated to love and relationships. Somewhere there's a disconnect... Well LoveShack is really about all relationships, not just romantic ones plus ES is really quite well adjusted so I think she is right about what is right for her. However, some people who have never had a relationship who just decide to stay single because it is easier than trying, I don't get that either.
todreaminblue Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 To me single is just a state of being....i don't really change who i am I just have more freedom i guess to express who i am...i get sad occasionally because i am a team player without a team partner....but...hobbies and my life keep me fairly busy... I believe i actually am happier in a relationship because i get to express all of me instead of just parts of me.....i enjoy the challenges of keeping a relationship fresh , of working towards common goals dreams and hopes and being there for a partner in every way i can like another poster i see it as a team thing....i dont mind being alone.....in fact i need alone time....but i am able to take alone time in or not in a relationship... and when i am in a relationship coming together at the end of the day ...is a joy...to find out how their day was to talk about mine ...to share the ups and the downs and then just to enjoy the silences and the quiet times together is wonderful too...plus i miss sex....and to me the best sex i know is in a loving committed relationship where i trust the guy i dont do casual......so i miss more things in a relationship than i do being single...i miss the motivating and being a support person to my guy...i motivate my family or try to but often their dreams are not my dreams their goals are not my goals.i see paths they dont.....i feel a partner would see the paths i see and motivate me to walk on them..... my family well theres contention there............i just want them to succeed in life and i dont mean material wise but happiness wise..i want them to have a fulness of joy...theri idea fo joy and mine is very different....and i know what i have to give in a relationship and until i am in one ,there are sides of me that are not being used and wont be used.....so for me singledom ....there's aspects and dreams and hopes i have in life that are dormant with the sides i just cant show..........deb
Smilecharmer Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I don't really understand the ones who think people who are in a relationship don't stretch or grow...that hasn't been my experience. I grow more as a part of a couple than I ever did when I was flailing around trying to figure stuff out. Of course, if people don't have a good sense of self and who they are, it might be different but my husband and I were very self aware and independent when we met. We don't complete each other, we just adore each other because we are pretty awesome and well rounded. Not that I'm conceited or anything.... I don't believe coupledom is for everyone just as I don't believe singledom is for everyone.
carhill Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 For those of you that have been on both sides. What are the differences for you in your life? Having been married, I would opine being 'coupled' provided a certain 'energy' that love and commitment brings to the fore. On the single side, it's easier to wash dishes for one and the cat is cheaper to feed than my exW, though I will admit he's a bit crankier. I don't see any marked differences one way or another and I've been divorced nearly four years.
insert_name Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 It's always struck me as odd that people that profess to love being single post on a message board dedicated to love and relationships. Somewhere there's a disconnect... Not really, being brutally honest a single person can get some pretty good validation of their choice by reading about all the strife that other people go through in the pursuit of love. There are good relationships and there are god awful relationships, being single is massively preferable to being in a relationship where you feel you have settled or with someone who makes your life a misery but who you can't bear to leave for fear of being alone or whatever. So when I have a low moment where I start to think that I may kinda like to be with someone I come here and read all the depressing threads and realize that at least my happiness and future plans are not contingent on the behaviour of someone that I can't control. I alone am responsible for my own happiness. It's a nice position to be in. 3
Woggle Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I didn't lose myself or my freedom when I married. Sounds dysfunctional. I just gained a partner in life who wants similar things and loves me to bits. I much prefer coupledom because I found the right man for me. I still go places and have friends and feel supported in my friendships and goals. I built a little family with my lover and best friend. I'm blessed and happily a part of a couple. He is an amazing man. My marriage is like that as well but what you have and I have with our spouses is very rare. Most of it is just a sea of misery these days. 1
Supernatural Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 So when I have a low moment where I start to think that I may kinda like to be with someone I come here and read all the depressing threads and realize that at least my happiness and future plans are not contingent on the behavior of someone that I can't control. I alone am responsible for my own happiness. It's a nice position to be in. Kind of true. Nothing worse than problems concerning the love life. Want stress? That's stress. That's hell actually. Oh man. The falling out or fights with people we are close to, are the worst thing for mental health. 1
OwMyEyeball Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I thoroughly enjoyed being in a relationship until I lost myself in it and forgot what I was driving towards. That's no fault of hers, nor was it really something to be upset at myself for. I expected too much from the relationship and allowed my interpretation of her needs to supercede my goals. I became complacent. And unsurprisingly, when I lost myself, I lost her. Being coupled brought out a lot in me that I had never known was there. Being single allowed me to notice and hopefully learn from those experiences. Neither state of being is inherently "good" or "bad". Each has its own value.
Titania22 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I'm more of a team player than that I'm a team player too, but my team is with my kids. Personally, the most positive relationships I have had (kids, friends) have been relationships that didn't involve sex. I seem unable to keep my boundaries and sense of self when sex is a part of a relationship. Just like Eternal Sunshine, I get all my needs (bar sex) met by the people in my life, and I really enjoy having a large amount of time to myself. 1
Giggle Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I would soooo rather be single than married to the person I was. He was the wrong person. I am positive there will be somebody I'd want that. You need to be single though. Some people never really know who they are and change to be what they think the other person wants. My recent ex was very much like that and he just jumped into another relationship. 3 months after moving out of my house he was living with someone else. 1
Author Mysterio Posted August 25, 2014 Author Posted August 25, 2014 My thing is this. I don't have a problem being single, where I feel lonely being single. I just feel this stress of not being in a romantic relationship over a long time period. I interact with women in a non romantic way so much, that I crave the romantic side. I feel like my life in that way is unbalanced. Looking at porn or hookers is not going to compensate. So for me it's a life balance. Of all the relationship things that I have learned in my life. It seems like family and friends is the most important. Way above the romantic thing. For me not to have the intimate relationship with a woman, at this time feels like being illiterate or if I was a woman I can't get pregnant. It really does not make sense to me. When I try its usually mined with obstacles that I don't see. I work fulltime. Have a condo. I work out, dress well, we'll groomed. I am even tempered, I can talk about anything, I am more introspective and am less jokey, yet I do have a good sense if humour. I do hide my dating woes. So whatever woman I am with is not bombarded by them. My all time situation would be a woman that is into me romantically, and I pick up on it. When I look at my friends that are in great relationships. It seems like the women were of good quality and were more the driving force of them getting together. On reading what I have written here, it occurs to me that the women my male friends that are married/involved with. The women lean to bring more the girls next door type.
Taramere Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 (edited) For me, I much prefer being single. I have much more freedom, to make decisions in my life, from the little things like what and when to eat, to the big things, like whether and where to go on a holiday, or what to do with my life. Personally I find relationships quite exhausting, and I am more prone to comfort eating and weight gain. I have tended to lose myself in relationships, so exercise and pursuing personal interests would take a back seat. I have been single ~6yrs now and I have never been happier. I'm glad I'm not the only one. With relationships, there's a lot of pressure to adapt to the other person's life. If they have a difficult clique of friends, you have to make all sorts of effort, for the sake of your partner, to be accepted. For the most part, when I'm on my own I feel a nice energy around me. The only thing that takes away that energy is...other people, frankly. Not all other people, of course. I feel energised by the company of people I like, but even then too much of it and I get that need to be alone to recharge. A lot of it comes down to whether a person is introverted and extroverted. Ultimately we have to pick the lifestyles that suit us personally, rather than the ones other people think we should have to demonstrate our social acceptability. Edited August 25, 2014 by Taramere 6
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 For example right now I work a lot. I get very little time for myself as it is and the job carries its own stresses that to me are totally worth it. If I was in a R, I can imagine being guilt tripped about working and not paying the guy enough attention. So I would have to add the stress of that on the top of work stress. Then I can imagine that a little free time that I have would mostly have to spent with the guy, leaving me drained and with no time for myself (time for myself is cruical for me). And not only that but on the weekend his mother I hate would be over or I would be dragged to a party I don't to go to (because I need to adjust and compromise). And for what? So that society thinks I am normal? So that I have "someone" because everyone else does? No thanks. For me, I can't see any benefits in the above scenario. 4
Imported Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Have you ever been with a guy where spending time with him was good and made you feel better about life instead of further draining you? Is your cat back with you? Cause I think you need him.
CrystalCastles Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I didn't lose myself or my freedom when I married. Sounds dysfunctional. I just gained a partner in life who wants similar things and loves me to bits. I much prefer coupledom because I found the right man for me. I still go places and have friends and feel supported in my friendships and goals. I built a little family with my lover and best friend. I'm blessed and happily a part of a couple. He is an amazing man. I find this too. Some people on here make it sound like relationships are just horrible work, and you gain little from them. Maybe they are if you're with the wrong person. But when its the right person, a relationship is enjoyable and it isn't difficult. Sure, there are problems even in good relationships. I have them in my relationship too sometimes. Usually its because of a lack of communication (mostly on my part, still learning about how to be a good and supportive partner and sometimes I screw up). But I find that I don't lose my freedom or stop doing my hobbies because I have a partner. The only downside to being in a relationship is money. I don't have heck of a lot, and sometimes it runs a little low. But its worth spending that on my partner, I don't mind. 1
O'Malley Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I was lucky in finding someone whom I have a great relationship and friendship with, where neither of us has overwhelmed the other's life, but if I wasn't with him I'd probably have preferred to be single the rest of my life. Besides my SO, I haven't met many men that I've shared anywhere near the kind of rapport that I have with him, I like my "me" time quite a bit and enjoy having my own living space. My sister has been happily single for years; she's extremely self sufficient at heart and doesn't feel or act like there's a void in her life because she's alone. Not everyone lives (or should be expected to live) their happiest or healthiest life as half of a couple and that's fine. 1
Sunfire73 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I have always been in relationships, because I want to. Even when I was single, I enjoyed dating. There are times where i like being alone, being with friends and just having fun without any partner, but being in a good relationship is better for me. This last one, i took the time to make sure he is a good one, because I'd rather keep finding and dating if I don't meet my match. So far, it's been good. If I haven't found him, it's ok to remain single, but I would continue to date and have fun doing it until i find one.
Taramere Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I find this too. Some people on here make it sound like relationships are just horrible work, and you gain little from them. Maybe they are if you're with the wrong person. But when its the right person, a relationship is enjoyable and it isn't difficult. There's a lot of luck involved in meeting the right person, though. And sometimes you can feel as though you've met somebody who's right for you, but it won't necessarily mean you gel with their friends...and if the relationship involves having to spend a lot of time with other people who you really don't have much in common with, that can be pretty draining. When you read commentary about single women on here (and elsewhere), there's often a lot about how it's their own fault for being too picky etc. Being picky, to me, means that if you're going to be with somebody it has to be somebody with whom you'll be more, rather than less, happy than you already are. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 I find this too. Some people on here make it sound like relationships are just horrible work, and you gain little from them. Maybe they are if you're with the wrong person. But when its the right person, a relationship is enjoyable and it isn't difficult. Sure, there are problems even in good relationships. I have them in my relationship too sometimes. Usually its because of a lack of communication (mostly on my part, still learning about how to be a good and supportive partner and sometimes I screw up). But I find that I don't lose my freedom or stop doing my hobbies because I have a partner. The only downside to being in a relationship is money. I don't have heck of a lot, and sometimes it runs a little low. But its worth spending that on my partner, I don't mind. Like Woogle says, it's rare and it's so much more to do with luck than people realize. I have never been with someone that makes me feel happier than when I am single. I have gone through tons of self reflection and some therapy and at the end of the day, I feel that I haven't met the right person for me. There is not much I can do about that. There are many people like me around who choose to marry someone that is not quite right, that doesn't make them happy due to pressures of society and desire to have kids. There are also some (like my brother) that just can't stand being alone. Everyone should do what makes them happier. For me, it's being single and I shouldn't be looked at as damaged or that there is something wrong with me. 3
CrystalCastles Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 Everyone should do what makes them happier. For me, it's being single and I shouldn't be looked at as damaged or that there is something wrong with me. Nope I definitely didn't imply that, sorry if it seemed like it. I'm in a relationship now and its my first. I've been single by choice- I have been meeting the right men, so I don't see any point in being in a relationship with them. I certainly don't see the point in being in a relationship for the sake of being in one. I think your mindset is a healthy one. Why should you settle for someone you don't like? That just doesn't make any sense.
Taramere Posted August 26, 2014 Posted August 26, 2014 (edited) Like Woogle says, it's rare and it's so much more to do with luck than people realize. I have never been with someone that makes me feel happier than when I am single. I have gone through tons of self reflection and some therapy and at the end of the day, I feel that I haven't met the right person for me. There is not much I can do about that. There are many people like me around who choose to marry someone that is not quite right, that doesn't make them happy due to pressures of society and desire to have kids. There are also some (like my brother) that just can't stand being alone. Everyone should do what makes them happier. For me, it's being single and I shouldn't be looked at as damaged or that there is something wrong with me. You're an INFP, aren't you ES? I am too. It's one of the slightly less usual personality types, so I suppose it's inevitable that you can end up feeling like a bit more of an outsider at times. It's just a temperament though, and not some sort of disorder as a few people would like you to think. That said, I often wish I could change my temperament, as a lot of things would probably come to me much easier if I could. I've tried by throwing myself into situations that take me out of my comfort zone, but it always comes back to "this is who I am, and I can tackle it to a certain degree - but only for short spells." When I look at relationships I've had, they fall into two categories. 1. In a minority of cases: Guys I felt connected to, comfortable with, had a playful and affectionate vibe with and was happy being around. Which is the ideal, but it's very rare to have that level of connection. When you encounter something like that and lose it, the hurt is so great that it's quite a thought to go through it all again. 2. In most cases: Somebody who was okay, but who I didn't really feel it for. Sometimes with a bit of time you can develop those feelings. In fact, come to think of it - with an ex who I would have put in the number 1 category, I didn't fancy him straight away. I did by the time he asked me out, but we were friends first (and for a few months). Guys nowadays expect things to move really quickly though. Especially with the disposable online dating culture. Either they're going to lose interest if you don't have sex/behave like a long term girlfriend (ie in terms of the comfort level you demonstrate with them) after a date or two...or they'll become frustrated to the point where you have to cut things off before they take an unpleasant turn. I see quite a lot of "2" attitude on the internet, when men are talking about women. That kind of extreme love/hate thing whereby a man's strong attraction to a woman has to be accompanied by a pretty strong level of dislike for her. A kind of resentment of the power he perceives her as holding as a result of his attraction to her. Having somebody like that come into your life is like bringing a dark cloud in. Things are going to turn negative very very quickly. With 1...well, that's the scenario where people say "but you have to trust again. You have to open the door, and expose yourself to the possibility of being hurt." And I guess I would, but I hardly ever meet somebody who I have that feeling of connection and comfort with, who is unattached and who seems interested. Mostly, what I've encountered over the years have been 2s. Guys who soon let their frustration, negativity and aggression show when you're not conforming to their expectations of what a woman should be and how she should respond to them. And being around/with somebody like that is not conducive to greater personal happiness so far as I can see. Edited August 26, 2014 by Taramere 6
Titania22 Posted August 27, 2014 Posted August 27, 2014 You're an INFP, aren't you ES? I am too. I am an INFP too.
Author Mysterio Posted August 28, 2014 Author Posted August 28, 2014 I really feel that I have not met the right person. For me I only think it would work if the woman is really into me. I don't have the desire in me to go hung hi, if I don't even feel any reciprocity. I really can't get into the woman. Marriage for me is slipping away from my desire, unless I meet a woman that blows me away.
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