health Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 (edited) Backstory - with ex girlfriend for over 5 years - I left her because she was around this other dude a lot essentially emotionally cheating - when I dumped her - she rebounded with him 3 days later. Points - I cried every night for the first year - read books on breakups - quit drinking - resumed - got promoted, then lost my job - completed major art projects on the side that were fulfilling and made money - dated only 3 girls - one just for messing around, another university educated girl with problems, another alcoholic - got back to College with a gov program that I didn't have to pay back! - Worked hard - graduated - now this is recently - could not find a job in law after working so hard, and job searching - 4 months living off my hard earned savings watching it dwindle - now I am finally coming around to having a minimum wage job - after College - I will still look for a higher one - Can't go back to my Moms house - I'm in my early 30s and it's a toxic environment with a sibling there - after 1 year not drinking, 2 years not smoking relapsed on both - quit again - it was just 2 days of that - I would like to think I healed, and I DID! I did so many amazing things and grew - BUT! The life situation of living alone off savings and looking for ANY work triggered me - as did getting rejected by practically ever girl I liked - I feel like after all my healing work - if the right woman comes around, it will heal me more. I am strong alone as well though. Some days it's hard though, because love is a great to have - with a girl. My ex used to brag how she got over me - sure, a rebound - she never dealt with her grief - did it come out in uglier ways? Last I heard she was on anti deppresants, pain pills. Both her and the guy she rebounded with - they're still together and are on welfare - they never worked. When I think of that - I get so hurt and fearful - like I worked my ass off and I'm still struggling - and they're abusing the welfare system and have each other. When I get triggered I check her facebook and she posts sometimes sexual jokes. I feel like no matter what my achievements - College Edcuated, work history, quit addictions - nothing compares to what they have - supposed love. But they're relationship is also dead energy almost - ours was filled with energy and action. The guy shes with is an alcoholic, lazy non working weed head. I've been no contact with her but part of me feels like messaging her to ask her are you mad at me? Get it out. Let me tell her I forgave her, and sorry for hurting her...and leave it at love. Cause I also heard she still wants to kill me - why I don't know. I just don't want to think of her any more. I want to heal, and I want to find new love and be less anxious. All the girls I meet now have kids, talk to other guys, are taken - it's tough in the dating world. Any suggestions? Edited August 24, 2014 by health
erklat Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Keep the nc. No good will come out of it And you will probably relapse in this matter too. Your fears are completely irrational. Being difficult means You are searching in a wrong places.
ThorntonMelon Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I don't see therapy on your list. 6 years out honestly you're a little more hung out on this than I'd expect though I'm not a mental health expert. I'd say with substance abuse issues and emotional attachment issues, a good long run of therapy could help you greatly. She sounds like a loser; you seem to have dodged quite a bullet!! Good luck.
JDPT Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I'll like to commend you on all your accomplishments regardless of all the adversity life has thrown at you. All the time and effort you have set forth is not in vain and in due time it will all pay off. Do not allow anything to stand in the way of your goals in life. You have certainly come a long way, everything in life is a lesson, all we need to do is learn form them. With regards to breaking NC, we have all broken NC at some point but what I'm certain is that it always leads to the exact same bad place we are trying to walk away from. Do yourself a favor and do not cave in to this temptations. Your ex is where she is because she chooses it. You have choices as well. Relapsing is just part of the process, it only shows that you are trying to better yourself and improve whatever imperfections you may have identified along the way. And of course nothing is perfect. Don't sell yourself short you hold a tremendous amount of value and someone will eventually will be able to appreciate that in you. Pace yourself when it comes to dating, it may just be that you aren't ready to play the field quiet yet. And that's perfectly fine you don't have to rush this process. Focus on healing your wounds and coming out of this a new and improved you.
Author health Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 Thank you to everyone who replied! I woke up, read these and felt empowered! Keep the nc. No good will come out of it And you will probably relapse in this matter too. Your fears are completely irrational. Being difficult means You are searching in a wrong places. I know about NC. NC is very powerful for healing and so much more. The thing with this is - I almost want to reach out one last time - even though she hurt me so bad - to say sorry for anything I did, for her to let go of her anger towards me - she was clean and sober with me, now she's worse of a hypochondriac taking pain pills - that can all destroy her slowly - I just feel everything she's going through is a result from not taking the time to heal, getting lost in a rebound and staying angry at me. Although I have written letters like this before - where I don't send them just yet - I think I'm clear - but then weeks pass and I get bothered again - like "That bitch" haha so I'm deciding to wait. What you said about being difficult is spot on, thank you so much.
Author health Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 I don't see therapy on your list. 6 years out honestly you're a little more hung out on this than I'd expect though I'm not a mental health expert. I'd say with substance abuse issues and emotional attachment issues, a good long run of therapy could help you greatly. She sounds like a loser; you seem to have dodged quite a bullet!! Good luck. I know it's been 6 years, I am healed - it's just the triggers that trigger me back at times. There are people out there in 15 year marriages that still miss their exes because they didn't deal with the grief correctly, living a lie essentially. I've done a lot, and for some reason I believe it's all going to go away very soon. It's almost like other life challenges made me think of what felt like simpler times. Yeah, apart from how I thought she looked and her personality - her actual character was not good - high school drop out, smokes, sleeps all day - in all reality I couldn't stand it anymore - what decent hard working person would take that crap? She was with me who had money saved and paid $820 for rent alone to trade in for a situation where she constantly got kicked out of apartments because she and her "Man" both who don't want to work can't maintain an $800 apartment as a team. I have talked about this with a therapist over the 6 years as well. I stopped bringing it up after 4 years though. I feel like I just had a relapse with life challenges etc.
Author health Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 I'll like to commend you on all your accomplishments regardless of all the adversity life has thrown at you. All the time and effort you have set forth is not in vain and in due time it will all pay off. Do not allow anything to stand in the way of your goals in life. You have certainly come a long way, everything in life is a lesson, all we need to do is learn form them. With regards to breaking NC, we have all broken NC at some point but what I'm certain is that it always leads to the exact same bad place we are trying to walk away from. Do yourself a favor and do not cave in to this temptations. Your ex is where she is because she chooses it. You have choices as well. Relapsing is just part of the process, it only shows that you are trying to better yourself and improve whatever imperfections you may have identified along the way. And of course nothing is perfect. Don't sell yourself short you hold a tremendous amount of value and someone will eventually will be able to appreciate that in you. Pace yourself when it comes to dating, it may just be that you aren't ready to play the field quiet yet. And that's perfectly fine you don't have to rush this process. Focus on healing your wounds and coming out of this a new and improved you. Thank you so much for that. I know the more I think of, part of me feel it's almost an insult to tell her I'm sorry. Even though I worked hard and got through alot. I want to have steady work before I consider dating, because I want an on point woman. I used to think alot of women just didn't work, then when I went to College - I was around girls who not only graduated but are now working in their respective fields, and I respect that. Thanks again, everything you said was on point. Another thing I'm going to focus on is writing down my thoughts and emotions when things get a little too much. Thanks again everyone! 1
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