cjrubby Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 My boyfriend and I had been seeing each other for eight months. There's little things about him I noticed were difficult to understand: he doesn't like to kiss passionately, doesn't initiate anything in general. He's openly said he's not the romantic type. He is, however, much more when it comes to laughing, conversations, and intimacy (minus the kissing). He's often stated that he is at a point in his life where "drama" "emotions" are simply not going to fit in. While I do understand no one likes drama, how can anyone not have feelings over time? He expressed that his friend was probably right and that i deserved to be w/ someone that will give me what i want. Anyway, we broke up b/c I expressed frustration about all of the above. He was truly angry and i wrote him a nice goodbye note: he will be deeply missed and that i might be all of the above (emotional etc) but I had always respected him and was truthful. He didn't respond. I think i lost him for not keeping my feelings to myself and frustrations. I feel like I should have been more patient and allowed time to bring us closer. So now what? My choices are (if I want to avoid being labeled crazy, desperate, pathetic; to stay away - no contact for good. My fear is that as I write this he's moved on and will not feel the least bit bummed out. A little about his background: he's been cheated on, left for someone who was richer or would give that person more. He was even left for his "best friend". I did no such things and for some reason it will not make a difference. My emotions and feelings for him were actually what drove him away. My heart is totally broken. I can't stop crying. The minutes are slower than ever. I want to crawl into a whole where the lights are out. The desperation to not feel a thing is overwhelming. I've hurt over a break up before, but something always went wrong. I didn't express love, I didn't take it there. I simply expressed dislikes at times or took things personally and expressed my dislike. Basically, I wasn't acting like someone made of stone. There weren't fights and blowouts. I just got tired of being kissed like a stranger and not romancing me a little. It boiled over and I expressed it in a way that was too much for him. I'm broken. Sobbing. Devastated. The worse part is that I know deep down, he will never contact me again b/c deep down I wasn't important enough to fight for.
Stsm5934 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Hey cjrubby, how long ago did the break-up happen? It sounds like a couple things are going on 1. You weren't getting what you needed out of the relationship. You repeatedly brought up an issue of importance to you, and nothing changed in the relationship. For whatever reason, he was not able or willing to give you the kind of love you need in a relationship. 2. I say this with a lot of love because I'm actually experiencing the same thing right now, but it seems like you have some underlying concerns related to confidence/self-esteem. The truth is, somebody else never assigns us our value, we do that. We learn to love ourselves and build a life around doing the things that build up that value. I've personally always had some unadressed issues surrounding confidence, not huge issues, but unresolved issues. When I went through my recent breakup it was like it all came out in extreme force. Everyone keeps telling me what I've just told you, but I know it is easier said than felt. For now, just know that his lack of contacting you does imply some internal, unmutable fact about yourself. You are lovable, you are good, you are important. I found this advice on another forum, and even though it didn't stop me from crying, I recognized it as very powerful. "I know this is painful, and unexpected, and shocking to you. My advice would be to just stop and be present and breathe in the moment. Be where you are. Everything passes, everything changes. And this too shall pass. As painful as it is now, it will lessen, it will change. And you will move on. You will move forwards. You say "I just can't stop crying." Yes, my dear one, my sweet little sister, you are grieving. It hurts, I know. Your grief is a testament to your love. But take your love and focus it on yourself right now. YOU. Don't keep the focus on him. For whatever reason, his choice was to separate from you. It doesn't matter why. Don't waste time trying to figure it out. It is over. Cut your ties completely with him. You have a choice now too. A choice to believe in yourself in spite of the pain of this break-up. A choice to love yourself, believe in yourself, focus on yourself. Accept yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself unconditionally. Wish yourself love and peace. Everything you have wished for him, wish for yourself. You utterly and completely deserve it. You deserve love. You deserve a man who wants you as much as you want him. And you will find him - I know it. Trust that he is waiting for you." It's going to be ok, not today, but eventually it's going to be ok. And for now, everything you are feeling is normal and right.
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