maevee Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 (edited) Hi everyone, I recently became close friends with a guy I work with. He has been in a relationship for a few years and plans on moving in with his girlfriend soon. I truly enjoy his company and appreciate our friendship as I do not have many friends. We are very similar and get along well, he is very supportive and helpful and reliable as well. I could see myself falling for him if he was single, but of course I have not let myself go there because he is definitely off limits. We spent most of our breaks together for the past 6 months and text a few hours most evenings about random stuff. We haven't said anything that I consider inappropriate, although I do know that he thinks I am attractive and vice versa. The few people who know about him have told me that there is no way he is spending that much time with me if he isn't falling for me, but I just figured he appreciates me as a friend. My friends and family tell me that it's highly unlikely. Am I naive or is there more to this than I thought? He is still moving in with his girlfriend, which is a pretty serious move. I've also noticed that he has stopped texting me when his girlfriend is around, which doesn't bother me at all because his time should be spent focused on her. Now I'm starting to wonder if he's not texting me when he's with her (or answering my text right away) if he's making an extra effort to hide our friendship? What do you guys think about the situation? Thanks for your opinion. Edited August 24, 2014 by maevee
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 If you already "know" you'd fall for him if he was single, you've gotten too close. Male-female friendships only work when one isn't trying to date/sleep with the other. You need to back off.
Author maevee Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 (edited) If you already "know" you'd fall for him if he was single, you've gotten too close. Male-female friendships only work when one isn't trying to date/sleep with the other. You need to back off. He is undeniably a nice, nice-looking man. However, I have no intention of sleeping with him or dating him. Also, why is it my responsibility to back off from an otherwise perfect friendship. I know my intentions. Shouldn't it be for the person in the relationship to back off if his feelings have changed? Edited August 24, 2014 by maevee
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 He is undeniably a nice, nice-looking man. However, I have no intention of sleeping with him or dating him. Also, why is it my responsibility to back off from an otherwise perfect friendship. I know my intentions. Shouldn't it be for the person in the relationship to back off if his feelings have changed? You already said you'd probably have fallen for him if he was single. That means you have feelings for him but you're suppressing them because he's taken. It doesn't mean you don't have feelings... just that you're hiding them in an attempt to remain friends (but again, you'd fall for him if he were available). It's his responsibility to not cheat on his girlfriend, and it's your responsibility to act appropriately with a person who's taken.
Author maevee Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 You already said you'd probably have fallen for him if he was single. That means you have feelings for him but you're suppressing them because he's taken. It doesn't mean you don't have feelings... just that you're hiding them in an attempt to remain friends (but again, you'd fall for him if he were available). It's his responsibility to not cheat on his girlfriend, and it's your responsibility to act appropriately with a person who's taken. I don't want this thread to go off track but seeing the possibility of falling for someone if circumstances were different and falling for someone are two very different things. I am completely in control of myself.
amaysngrace Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I am completely in control of myself. Then go date someone and don't start threads about this guy.
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I don't want this thread to go off track but seeing the possibility of falling for someone if circumstances were different and falling for someone are two very different things. I am completely in control of myself. Maybe I can try to say it differently: it's not about "control." You have already categorized him as being in the "if he was single..." category, as if you're waiting for him to become single. No one is saying you'll act on that desire, but you've placed him in that category and thus everything he does/you do together will be viewed through the lens of being a potential partner. You need to back off so that it's clear you're not pursuing/waiting for him in this category.
MissBee Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I don't want this thread to go off track but seeing the possibility of falling for someone if circumstances were different and falling for someone are two very different things. I am completely in control of myself. That's what everyone who's ever had such a "friendship" that eventually crossed the line started off believing. Read the Other Woman/Other Man forum if you don't believe it. We're humans. If you like someone and the only reason you aren't pushing for more is because they are not single yet you keep hanging out one on one, texting, and building up emotional intimacy...more often than not you slip and slide right into more. You're right, since he is the one in a relationship he should be the main one to back off. However, what harm would it do for you to back off? If he won't be responsible, no reason you can't or shouldn't. Also...if one day he tries for more, will you be "in control" then? Or will you be so happy you'll give in? Be honest with yourself about it. 2
Author maevee Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 That's what everyone who's ever had such a "friendship" started off believing. We're humans. If you like someone and the only reason you aren't pushing for more is because they are not single yet you keep hanging out one on one, texting, and building up emotional intimacy...more often than not you slip and slide right into more. You're right, since he is the one in a relationship he should be the main one to back off. However, what harm would it do for you to back off? If he won't be responsible, no reason you can't or shouldn't. Also...if one day he tries for more, will you be "in control" then? Or will you be so happy you'll give in? Be honest with yourself about it. I wouldn't go for it even if he did try. My morals are too strong. Even if he were single, I doubt I'd go for it because of religious differences. I figured I should back off as a precaution, but I would sincerely miss having him as a friend. And considering I have no reason to doubt his intentions, I think it would just be upsetting for both of us. I also don't want to make a drama out of nothing by telling him I think I need to back off (and I would have to be straight because I can't just back off without an explanation) when I doubt he has feelings for me. This is why I'm torn.
you_can_not_see_me Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I don't want this thread to go off track but seeing the possibility of falling for someone if circumstances were different and falling for someone are two very different things. I am completely in control of myself. what is the purpose of this thread then? its pretty obvious you want someone to tell you to go for it. 2
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 You're right, since he is the one in a relationship he should be the main one to back off. However, what harm would it do for you to back off? If he won't be responsible, no reason you can't or shouldn't. No. He is in a friendship with a woman while he's dating his girlfriend. He's doing nothing wrong, and the OP has said nothing about him having inappropriate feelings. She is the one with inappropriate feelings, it's up to her to back off.
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Even if he were single, I doubt I'd go for it because of religious differences. Now you're just making excuses. Your OP said you'd probably have fallen for him if he was single.
Author maevee Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 what is the purpose of this thread then? its pretty obvious you want someone to tell you to go for it. Not at all.
Author maevee Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 No. He is in a friendship with a woman while he's dating his girlfriend. He's doing nothing wrong, and the OP has said nothing about him having inappropriate feelings. She is the one with inappropriate feelings, it's up to her to back off. I do not have inappropriate feelings. You seem to have trouble with differentiating possibility from reality. I am a very logical person and circumstances are very important to me. I also do not behave as someone who might one day want to date him, because I probably would not date him because of possible complications due to religion. This is all I have to say with regards to your incorrect assumptions.
amaysngrace Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I do not have inappropriate feelings. You seem to have trouble with differentiating possibility from reality. This is all I have to say with regards to your incorrect assumptions. Then why this thread and why do you talk to your family about him? You need to get real with yourself. You spend free time thinking about him. That's reality.
54JA Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 It's possible that he is trying to hide his friendship with you from his girl friend. I think there are a couple possible reasons for this. 1) He appreciates your friendship, but he is worried that his girl friend may get jealous. 2) He has feelings for you and he feels guilty. He is keeping his options open. Or he could just simply be busy right now. If neither of you do not have romantic feelings towards each other, and there is nothing inappropriate going on, may be you could suggest that three of you hang out sometimes. This way, you can save your friendship with him and may even be able to become friends with his girl friend. I would say keep a distance if you suspect he has feelings for you. If this is the case, you have nothing to lose because it is not a true friendship. To find out, you can simply ask him or take a more indirect approach where you ask him to "hook" you up with one of his friends and see his reaction. 2
MissBee Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I wouldn't go for it even if he did try. My morals are too strong. Even if he were single, I doubt I'd go for it because of religious differences. I figured I should back off as a precaution, but I would sincerely miss having him as a friend. And considering I have no reason to doubt his intentions, I think it would just be upsetting for both of us. I also don't want to make a drama out of nothing by telling him I think I need to back off (and I would have to be straight because I can't just back off without an explanation) when I doubt he has feelings for me. This is why I'm torn. If your boyfriend was in a situation like yours, what would you want to happen? Whether or not he likes you, you like him and I'm TELLING you...this is how it starts. You don't need to stop talking to him altogether, simply find more spaces of doing your own thing and simply speak less and have lunch less. If he asks why you can simply say he has a gf and you're coworkers and you don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. Or you can admit your feelings and be honest that you want to back off because of how you feel so you're on the up and up. Have you met the gf? If not, to make things even more open, invite him and her out to something with your other friends. If you're such good friends, she should know about you and all should be on the up and up. In normal friendships your SO doesn't have secret friends or friends they text so much and hang with so much yet you've never heard of them. 1
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