An extreme instance of "not letting go"

[Inflikted]

Let me get some background info out of the way. I'm a 25 (almost 26) year old guy, who's never dated, never been involved with another person, never even really had any semblance of a social life. I'm very anti-social and I don't "like" people very often (although, I also don't deny that I'm not good enough to be a part of anyone's life, anyway). I have no friends, I have no close family members, and I certainly don't date.

 

I don't like the fact that I don't like people very often, but I can't exactly force myself to like anyone. And despite my anti-social nature, I'm extremely lonely, but I've recently been working to accept a solitary life. For the most part, I think I'm becoming okay with it. But there's one very nagging reoccurring thing.

 

About two years ago, I actually made a connection with another person. Our personalities were extremely compatible, we had a lot in common, and the more we interacted, the more I realized that she was pretty much exactly who I always pictured my ideal girl. I fell for her very hard, and I pursued her romantically, but of course, she rejected me (a case of me convincing myself I was "good enough" for someone, when I most definitely was not). Over the next year and a half, some drama developed, things were very awkward, and she pretty much wanted nothing to do with me. I haven't seen her for nearly six months now.

 

Yet, I still can't stop thinking about her. I've thought about her every single day since I first fell for her, over two years ago. I get that she wasn't attracted to me, and it is what it is, but to me, she was the best person I could've ended up with. Nobody else could ever stack up to her.

 

I can't even wrap my head around trying to date other people, because I'd spend the entire time comparing them to her, wishing they were more like her, and that just wouldn't be fair to anyone. She was it, for me, and I wasn't good enough. Nobody else could ever be more than "second best", in my opinion, and who wants to settle for "second best"?

 

I'm annoyed with myself that I can't stop thinking about her, period. I mean, it's been two years since she rejected me, and it's been over six months, now, since I've even seen her. Yes, I have hobbies and things to "distract" me, but it's never enough. She inevitably creeps into my head at some point in the day, and to be honest, it's quite a nuisance, to me. It's extremely difficult to accept a solitary life when I can't fully move on from the best possible girl I could've been with.

[54JA]

When you like someone, it is because that person is special to you, and it is natural for you to feel the way you do about her. I get it. While I do think that you can benefit from improving your social life (while being careful), I don't believe that "you are not good enough." In a sense, no one is good enough because everyone has some aspects of themselves that could use improvement. You don't have to wait until you feel you have become "good enough" to start living yourself. Sure, you might fail with your first relationship, but such experience makes you compassionate and helps you grow. Don't shut out opportunities to get to know people even if it feels terrible in the initial stage. By meeting more people (friends and romantic interests), you will expand your understanding about people, what makes each of us human, and become better equipped to develop meaningful relationship.

 

You might also consider going to therapy. I am in therapy for multiple reasons, and one of them is for working on myself confidence. Good luck!

[Inflikted]

I have no illusions of ever being "good enough" for anyone. I'm just not. Regardless of how much I may have wanted it in the past, I'm incapable of having people in my life. It's just something I have to keep trying to learn to live with.

 

But again, my incessant thoughts about this girl I had feelings for make this process even more difficult than it needs to be. I kind of hate that I ever connected with someone so well to begin with, because when you catch a brief glimpse of something great, it's hard to get it out of your mind.

 

As far as dating and relationships go, my line of logic is as follows:

 

I don't enjoy being around most people for a long period of time, especially one-on-one -> Attempting to go on dates with any girl I can get to say yes seems like torture, because it would involve a bit of time spent around someone I don't particularly like -> I would either A) end up going on numerous first dates but never giving anyone another chance after that, or B) I'd be so desperate for a habitual companionship that I'd stay with someone even if I'm miserable with them -> If I date someone, I want it to be someone I already know I like, but... -> I don't enjoy being around more people for a long period of time, especially one-on-one

 

As you can see, it loops back around in a circle. Essentially, the thought of "dating around" seems awful to me, because I don't like most people, and going on dates with people I'm not sold on just doesn't seem very fun at all. I already knew I liked the girl I had feelings for, and thus, I knew that I WANTED to spend time with her. That's what I want, in a potential partner, but the odds of me finding that again are pathetically low, and it would never work out, anyway, due to me not being good enough for anyone, to begin with.