justash-x Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 The breakup was so painful and I was hurt so badly that I don't want to date anyone else as I'm scared I'll get hurt in the same way again! It took me a year to finally get over him and now I don't want to put myself in the position to be able to get hurt again. I would rather stay in on my own than go out on dates!! Anyone else feel like this? 1
sly_fly1 Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 yes, do not go on dates., when you date it is basically saying that you need to be in a relationship. no one needs to be in nothing. a real relationship will happen naturally, maybe youll be at the gym or sitting in a cafe and youll run into mr wright. but going on dating sites or night clubs., those people just want one thing, to bone. if i were you id stop looking and wait to be looked at
CDRdelta Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I'm only 2 weeks into the breakup. I can see myself getting back out there but not right now. Obviously 2 weeks after is never a good idea but I did consider what to do, like dating sites and etc. I think I'd rather just let it happen naturally. There's no pressure on either you or the person you are dating for it to go a certain way and you wont feel like you've wasted time or money. 1
Stsm5934 Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I understand how you feel. My relationship ended 3 weeks ago and I feel so hurt about the way it ended that I'm scared. It really undermined my self-esteem and self-confidence, right now it's hard for me to even be alone with myself. Before my relationship I was a really happy person and I felt really happy about where my life was. I feel like once I get back to that spot in my life I don't want to end up feeling this way again if a relationship fails. In my case though, I know I did a lot of compromising and giving up time doing things I liked to be on stand-by for him. I think avoiding that in another relationship would make the break-up more bearable. I don't know your story justash, but I think learning from your last relationship and the things that contributed to it being so hard to move on can help anyone. Ultimately, we all have to accept that no one can make promises in love. You can't promise you won't break someone else's heart, and they can't promise they won't break yours. It's all a game of risk. If your feeling good and you don't want to date, don't. We all take our own time, and when your heart is truly open again it will happen. 1
doeblin Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 If you feel in a rut, you might want to try and change your habits. Pursue your hobbies with more verve. You don't go to the gym? Go 3 times a week. Or visit art museums. Go to jazz concerts. Travel. And be open to meeting new people. I don't mean that you need to date someone, because you don't actually need anyone to be happy. What I mean is to be open to have an interesting conversation with anyone, a child, an old lady, or yes, someone you might be attracted to. Be unattached to the outcome. Be independent. Enhance yourself. Fearing another horrible breakup is a kind of cognitive distortion. I would like to recommend a few books. I know, I know... 99% of the self-help tradition is complete claptrap, but there's a school of psychotherapy that makes a lot of sense, and has a solid scientific base. It's called cognitive-behavioral therapy and it's closely related to the concept of mindfulness in Buddhism. The fundamental idea behind it is that our thought patterns, feelings and behaviors are interconnected. Negative thinking will lead to negative feelings which will lead to an unfulfilled life. It's almost a commonplace. BUT neurologists actually shown that if you change your thought patterns, you will change your neural networks. You can actually rewire your brain! And you will feel better. So these are some of the classics: Psycho-cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz Feeling good by David Burns Buddha's brain by Rick Hanson These were written by actual doctors and therapists, not some self-ordained gurus. This is some of the advice I've been giving myself. 2
Allumere Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 yes, I feel that way...I'd say it is normal, common-place early on in a breakup. Some people move beyond it quickly, others take a year or two. 1
guest569 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 It took me about 4 months to consider dating again, and by that time i felt positive about it and didn't really go into it with any fear. I did get hurt again a couple of times, but it was nothing compared to the pain from my ex. It sounds like a particularly bad breakup and you have healed a lot, enjoy the time on your own. Don't feel pressure to get back out there cause I think you will get to a place where you are ready to get back into dating without fear.
hockeydan Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Everything in life is a risk. We always sacrifice something in order to gain something. If there is no risk, the gains are not that great. For us to love again means we have to expose ourselves to being hurt again, but if we find that love that we have been looking for, all the pain will be worth it in the end. I am 2 months post breakup and I am not ready for a relationship and won't be for several more months, but when I am ready, I am going to jump into the singles pool and allow myself to be exposed to all the good and bad in order to find that person that wants to be with me. 2
54JA Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 If you feel in a rut, you might want to try and change your habits. Pursue your hobbies with more verve. You don't go to the gym? Go 3 times a week. Or visit art museums. Go to jazz concerts. Travel. And be open to meeting new people. I don't mean that you need to date someone, because you don't actually need anyone to be happy. What I mean is to be open to have an interesting conversation with anyone, a child, an old lady, or yes, someone you might be attracted to. Be unattached to the outcome. Be independent. Enhance yourself. Fearing another horrible breakup is a kind of cognitive distortion. I would like to recommend a few books. I know, I know... 99% of the self-help tradition is complete claptrap, but there's a school of psychotherapy that makes a lot of sense, and has a solid scientific base. It's called cognitive-behavioral therapy and it's closely related to the concept of mindfulness in Buddhism. The fundamental idea behind it is that our thought patterns, feelings and behaviors are interconnected. Negative thinking will lead to negative feelings which will lead to an unfulfilled life. It's almost a commonplace. BUT neurologists actually shown that if you change your thought patterns, you will change your neural networks. You can actually rewire your brain! And you will feel better. So these are some of the classics: Psycho-cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz Feeling good by David Burns Buddha's brain by Rick Hanson These were written by actual doctors and therapists, not some self-ordained gurus. This is some of the advice I've been giving myself. I read Feeling Good, and I agree. It's very helpful! Doeblin is right. CBT has good research base. It's empowering every time I discover my distorted automatic thoughts.
54JA Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Congratulations on surviving the entire year!! Don't feel bad if you are not ready to date yet. Now is your time to be really happy with yourself. When you are happy, you won't easily fall for those unworthy guys because you are not looking for a quick fix to fill the void. Keep working on yourself. You have done great!! For me, I wanted to find another boyfriend right away to ease my pain. I was not ready to date, but I wanted a boyfriend because being alone was too much to take. This was a very dangerous situation to be in because you can end up with a no good weirdo. I had one rebound hook up. I also went on a few dates. Because I was not ready, those dates actually made me feel worse than I already did. I kept comparing my dates to my ex (who was also a no good weirdo). Then luckily, it went dry. I could not find a date for a long time. After a year and a half, I met my current boyfriend. We have been together for almost 10 years.
Lostdreams Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Well done on reaching 1 year - I'm only two months in but really can not envisage another man in my life just yet. I foolishly went on an OLD site thinking I have to get myself out there and panicking about being alone - but I really wasn't ready and pulled my profile down after a week. I'm also reading Mindfulness for Idiots to help understand my thought patterns and get better in tune with myself. I find attention from the opposite sex flattering and good for self-esteem - even if we are not ready to go there just yet - at least we know we could. I absolutely do want a relationship in the future - I don't think we are built to stay alone. I'm kind of in the "expect nothing and you won't be disappointed" mode currently - I wouldn't call it fear of being hurt I guess we should never let ourselves get hurt for the same reasons if we learn from our mistakes. My experience has been that the BU was always for different reasons in the 3 LTRs in my life. You can never be fully prepared or secure a guaranteed success but you can take the positive and move on. This last BU as the dumpee is by far the worst I have ever felt. So healing and taking care of my needs is the only priority now until I can open my heart once again. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 yes, do not go on dates., when you date it is basically saying that you need to be in a relationship. no one needs to be in nothing. a real relationship will happen naturally, maybe youll be at the gym or sitting in a cafe and youll run into mr wright. but going on dating sites or night clubs., those people just want one thing, to bone. if i were you id stop looking and wait to be looked at I disagree 100%. Going on dates doesnt mean you want to spend the rest of your life with them or anything. You can go on casual dates with the opposite sex to have a good time. In fact, its a good way to boost back up your confidence, since usually, that is easily the most wounded part. With that said, if it doesnt feel RIGHT, don't do it. Your own pace on YOUR own time. 3
newmoon Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 i felt as you did, but i did go on dates immediately, to make myself feel better/attractive, etc. and get the self-esteem back up. then i realized i wasn't ready and stopped dating for quite some time. fast forward to about the one year break-up point and i'm ready now to meet someone else. it takes time to heal if you were really invested
doeblin Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 i felt as you did, but i did go on dates immediately, to make myself feel better/attractive, etc. and get the self-esteem back up. then i realized i wasn't ready and stopped dating for quite some time. fast forward to about the one year break-up point and i'm ready now to meet someone else. it takes time to heal if you were really invested The big benefit of doing your own thing is that your self-esteem is not dependent on dating people. If being in a relationship is the only (or the main) source of joy in your life, then you are bound to be crushed after a breakup. So don't put all your emotional investment into your relationship. Your next partner might respect you more, because you have another drive in your life that makes you happy, which will make you a stronger person. I guess it's a win-win 1
elseaacych Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I disagree 100%. Going on dates doesnt mean you want to spend the rest of your life with them or anything. You can go on casual dates with the opposite sex to have a good time. In fact, its a good way to boost back up your confidence, since usually, that is easily the most wounded part. With that said, if it doesnt feel RIGHT, don't do it. Your own pace on YOUR own time. THIS. Also, if you don't feel ready to get out into the dating pool, go out with a group of friends. The key is to re-integrate yourself to being social. Social interactions are not zero-sum.
Mythodea Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 The big benefit of doing your own thing is that your self-esteem is not dependent on dating people. If being in a relationship is the only (or the main) source of joy in your life, then you are bound to be crushed after a breakup. This pretty much describes my ex. Ever since I met her about 8 years ago, she hasn't been completely single for more than a year. She's always getting involved in relationships, long or short. Hell, after she broke up with me three months ago, she began dating another guy two weeks later. But I guess it's a process of maturation, something I am going through right now that I'm realizing I don't need anyone else other than myself to be happy. That I and only I alone am responsible for my happiness and that it cannot depend on any other person. When I can fully and absolutely be happy with myself, then I'll be able to be with someone and SHARE my happines with her, not make her the source of my happiness. 1
Lingo1 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 For me i have been broken up for 2months girlfriend said she wanted to be friends and then out of nowhere she was talking to someone on the low and everytime i would ask if she is talking to someone else she would say no .but hi she lied and she kept telling me she was happy . Which i am happy for her i really am she got mad because my friend hit her up and she even told them shes happy i mean i didnt tell them i am doing NC with her so shes mad at me because they hit her up lmaoo dumpers are funny how can u be mad at someone and u broke their heart huh? lmaoo i mean i am coping well i do think i will find love again one day what surprises me the moment is i use to think about her alot for 2months now she doesnt even cross my mind so im happy and i have moved on everything just takes time we all will find someone one day . As the saying goes "How you got the man is how you'll lose him" lol She moved on in couple of few didnt even give herself time to heal from our current relationship but o well none of my business
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