ladyunicorn11 Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 Hello everyone, I'm new here but could really use some support through this. I'll try not to ramble. Basically, I started dating this man 9 months ago. He had recently gone through a break-up with the mother of his two children. They were together 16 years. I know he wasn't looking for something serious. I didn't think things would go very far either. But we both realized fairly fast that we had a unique connection, many things in common, and intense chemistry. We fell in love. We dated exclusively although he was not ready to make things 'official'. I tried not to pressure him and hoped he would come around. After 6 months of dating with still nothing official between us, I broke things off. Throughout the 6 months, in spite of our connection and the growing feelings we shared, he was constantly flipping back and forth between trying to push me away, and then pull me back in. We had lots of really beautiful moments together, but it was a confusing time for us both. After breaking up, he told me his ex (who had left him without much explanation the year before) had asked to reconcile and move back in with him. He was considering taking her back. I was really hurt by this. At the same time, I tried to be understanding. He is an orphan. He is very close to his ex's parents. And his children were very unhappy about the separation and having a hard time adjusting from what he was telling me. Anyway, it was clear to me he needed to sort things out on his own. So I tried to go NC. Shortly after our break-up, he started to contact me saying he missed me and realized how much he loved me. I tried to be strong and ignore him, telling myself that if he really wanted to be with me, he would make it official and end things clearly with his ex. But I missed him very much and eventually I answered him and we ended up getting back together. A month later, the same scenario happened in a nutshell! I left him again, because he was blowing hot and cold and still confused over his ex and their situation. Again I try to go NC and he starts texting me and emailing me repeatedly. I was emotionally exhausted and missed him. I know I should have been stronger. Hindsight is always 20-20. But eventually I caved and we ended up seeing each other. This time things seemed to have changed. He told me he had clearly told his ex she could not move back in, that it was over. I saw him making big changes in his life including household renovations, etc. I could see he was working hard on himself. I began to hope it could really work between us. I tried to play it cool and not put too much pressure, just let things happen naturally. He was not very present, though, and it began to wear on me. But I kept hoping that with time he would come around... Anyway, he ended up breaking it off with me 2 weeks ago. He told me he just wasn't ready to be with me or with anyone else. I did the typical ex-thing and sent him a few emails saying I loved him and felt we had something very special, but that I was going to let him go and move on as best as I can. Then I went NC. A few days ago, I had to get in touch for a work-related issue (we did a project together and I needed his signature on some legal documents) and we exchanged a few emails. In the last one (sent tonight) he told me how beautiful he thought I am and that he missed me. I haven't answered and am going to go back to NC. We have a work-related function next week and I have to go. I think he will be there too. Other than that, I will be doing my best to stick to the NC this time around. My question is: will he come around? I know I need to get over him. We spoke on the phone last night and I asked him to tell me he didn't love me anymore. I was looking for some kind of closure. He told me he couldn't tell me that he didn't love me. He said in the past 9 months he had moments where he felt an incredible amount of love and other times when he didn't know how he felt. So I asked him to tell me to move on. It hurt to hear him say it, but I asked for it...! He told me to move on, that he couldn’t ask me to wait for him. Then this morning I woke up to an email from him saying he had loved me very very very (yes, he wrote three very's) much, no matter what I believed. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation? When a man clearly isn't ready...does it mean he's just not ready for YOU but could be with someone else, or could he come around eventually? Should I really go NC? Or keep in touch once in a while? I'm afraid that by going completely NC, it will create an incredible amount of pressure for him if he does eventually feel ready. ... I'm really heartbroken. Emotionally exhausted. I need some help. Thank you for reading.
Stsm5934 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 I think right now you need to go NC. Not so much in hopes of a reconciliation, but to spend some time really getting back to yourself. It seems that you have repeatedly accepted less than you deserve in this relationship. I know it is tempting to do this when you think a someone you love is just in the wrong spot right now and that eventually they will be in the right spot. But the thing is, either way, you aren't getting what you truly need out of the relationship. I know the lesson I learned in my first relationship is that love is not all you need, it doesn't build the house and life you want. He is throwing you crumbs to keep you from moving on, not because he is malicious or spiteful, but because he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to lose an option. You are an option to him, when clearly he is more than that to you. That isn't fair to yourself. I know it's not easy to hear these things and that in a lot of ways it doesn't feel like it even helps. But you need to get to a stop where even if it hurts like hell, you know this isn't the right thing for you. That was you can be with your grief and sadness and start moving through the process of healing yourself. Sometimes we hang on to these crumbs because we are terrified of beginning to move on. 2
Author ladyunicorn11 Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 Thanks for the reply. Yeah... it's hard to let go and move on. I really did love him. Still do. But it's true that I was accepting less than what I deserved. I just kept hoping things would change, that he would figure out things. But I guess that just isn't going to happen, not with me at least. I suppose I am afraid of moving on because I know that will mean I will be closing the door on a future with him. And that hurts like hell. I really felt we had something strong and special between us... I was thinking that if I was in his shoes and I eventually did realize I was ready for a relationship, it would be too much pressure to go banging on someone's door and promising them a commitment right off the top. That's why I felt that by keeping very LC, at least the door would be a little open if ever he changed his mind. And we could start slowly by just talking, eventually. My heart wants to hold on. But you're right... that would just keep me hanging on when I really need to let go and stop hoping. Ugh!! So hard!!
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 While I suppose it's possible he will come around -- just like it's possible you will win the lottery -- it's highly unlikely. You need to move forward in your life without him, sorry.
Stsm5934 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Unfortunately holding out hope for something that has a good chance of never happening can be a very very bad thing. It's hard to understand, but you can have a truly deep and meaningful connection with someone and they can still be the wrong person for you. A relationship is really about more than that "connection", they involve work, emotional intimacy and commitment to foster those feelings. When someone isn't a spot to do those other things its like having a garden that you don't take care of, it isn't going to live.
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