bathtub-row Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I just talked with my husband and told him I had been considering sleeping with my ex, and that I would not be contacting him again. I apologized and I told him that i wanted to work on our problems and he said he wanted to as well. He said that he had feared that I would reject him sexually because I might think it was insincere after so much time had passed. He apologized for abandoning me in that way and asked me to forgive him. I told him that I did. Part of me feels like this is just another excuse and empty promise, but I've got to give it another chance. Thank you all again for helping me see things clearly. It probably is more of the same old thing but at least you can say you gave it a try. Please keep us posted.
Author Jessicune Posted August 23, 2014 Author Posted August 23, 2014 Thank you Bathtub, I'm afraid you're right though. I will keep you updated. 1
FusionCutter Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 Thank you all for your replies. I will definitely not have an affair. It looks like I need to prepare for a divorce. The truth never hurts. It's the deception that hurts everyone involved. (yourself included) 1
No Limit Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 It's good to see that you've chosen the dignified way. Even if it seems hopeless to you, give him a fair chance. You can still divorce if your husband shows you that he's not working on it anytime soon. Best of luck.
Artie Lang Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 you chose the appropriate thing to do. you have already made it known there is a problem in your marriage. now you can address it. hopefully your marriage snaps out of the "funk" you have been experiencing. i do stress not making this an excuse to have an affair if nothing changes. regretfully, if things don't change/work out, you may need to walk away. it's not fair to you if this lack of intimacy continues. just don't cheat. 2
somedude81 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 This thread should really be called. "Considering a divorce." Thinking about having an affair is like thinking about murdering somebody. 2
James-London Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Look if he is not having sex with you, then there is either a) some physical or psychological problem that is affecting his ability to have sex with you, or b) he is not sexually attracted to you anymore. It sounds like you are only "suggesting" that he gets things checked out with the doctor. I would be putting it a bit more forcefully if I were in your shoes. From what he says, it sounds like it might be a psychological issue. I guess that is possible, but the male instinct to have sex is pretty strong so it usually overrides other things. The idea of him having an affair is always possible but seems unlikely, especially given his low self-esteem at the moment. But I would keep it at the back of your mind. Unless he has some serious medical/psychological issues, it seems he sees you more as a friend/soulmate than as a lover. That is what I would be betting on, to be honest.... Finally, well done for not cheating. If you did that, you would be putting your H in a whole world of totally unnecessary pain. Its really just not worth it. All you have to do is follow 3 or 4 threads on here to see how cheating totally wrecks peoples lives. If you want your ex - go for it. But don't cheat on your H first. 1
jellybean89 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Out of curiosity, when you were dating your H, did you have sex? Do you ever initiate sex, as in make HIM feel wanted? You don't work? So your H is responsible for providing for the family? That's a lot of stress on him. What do you do all day, besides being in touch with your ex? Do you volunteer anywhere? You have no kids, so I'm just confused on why you aren't working to help your family. It's obvious you have too much time on your hands. It's never appropriate to be in secret communication with someone, and since you were deleting messages, you know what you were/are doing is wrong. 50% of the state of your marriage is on you. Do something nice for your H. Do something to show him you love him. Of course, now he will have it in his mind that you were willing to start an affair and if that isn't an esteem killer, not sure what is. Institute date nights. Since you have so much free time, make sure when your H gets home, he can relax and not have to "work" at home after working all day. I'm sure he is tired, being the sole breadwinner in the family is hard emotionally. I believe you need counseling to help determine why you were so willing to get into an affair with your ex. 2
Author Jessicune Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 Jellybean, throughout our whole relationship it has always been me to initiate sex, unless he was drunk, then he would.
loveboid Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 He only initiates sex when he's drunk. That is a problem he needs to get looked at. Sounds to me like he is afraid to have sex and needs liquid courage. Maybe there is something in his childhood he needs to work through? Only he knows. If it is something terrible like that--which it might not be--then avoiding dealing with it this long is a common symptom and is a poor coping strategy long-term. It might have bought him time but now time's running out. It's really up to him whether the pain of a divorce is enough to make him deal with his problem...if indeed he thinks lack of sex is a problem for him. That is the question!
jellybean89 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 Jellybean, throughout our whole relationship it has always been me to initiate sex, unless he was drunk, then he would. Okay, so you knew going into the marriage that you would be initiating and yet you still married him. Did you think he would change?
Silveron Posted August 27, 2014 Posted August 27, 2014 Jessicune you already went over the boundaries. You say you love your husband but then also say you have feelings for your ex. You have already cheated! It just didn't go physical. It's called an emotional affair and it takes away from the person you are married too. So if your husband is having sexual problems the stress of what YOU just did is only going to compound it. So you are basically telling your H that unless he starts giving you good sex then you are going to cheat. WTF! There are TOYS for when your spouse is not in the mood. Really Jessicune, you need to grow up. Only having been married 3 years and doing this? My wife contacted her ex right after we were married and started our marriage off with nothing but untrust. Great job on doing this. Keep looking over that fence for greener grass but just watch out for the pile of dog crap that you might step into once you get to the other side.
pteromom Posted August 27, 2014 Posted August 27, 2014 1 - your EX is an EX for a reason. The only reason you are considering an affair with him is that you are desperate to seem desirable and he is making you feel that way. That doesn't mean he is somehow now magically compatible with you and the issues you had that cause you to leave him the first time have been solved. Quit talking to him at all. No good can come from it! 2 - Your husband needs to know how serious you are about this. He needs to know that you are willing to divorce and walk away due to this issue. You need to be very very blunt with him. Just asking for more sex is pointless... he will try, then it will go back to what feels comfortable for him. Just making himself do it more isn't going to solve the CAUSE. Instead, you need to tell him what steps you want him to take. Going to the doctor for a workup. Going to counseling alone. Going to counseling with you. Tell him that if he isn't willing to do those things, you either want a divorce or an open marriage. 2
Author Jessicune Posted August 28, 2014 Author Posted August 28, 2014 I told my husband how I was feeling and that for a little while I had thought of an affair, but that I knew it was wrong and would not fix anything, only make things worse. I told him that The right thing for me to do would be to try to fix things or leave him,not have an affair. He agreed of course and said he wanted to work on things. I let him know I would not be in contact with my ex again and that I was very sorry and wanted to work on our issues. He was very understanding about it. I just wanted to be honest, I wasn't trying to threaten him with cheating if we didn't have more sex. He apologized for making me feel neglected. Since our talk, he has scheduled an appointment with the doctor and has initiated sex twice out of the blue. Things are back to normal other than that. I talked to my ex one last time to tell him that what I was doing was wrong and that I love my husband and want to stay married and that I wasn't going to be talking to him anymore. I think what I was feeling for my ex was just me trying to fool myself, trying to create something out of nothing to fill the void in my marriage. I'm currently looking around for IC and MC for us. 4
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