Pattie Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Hello everyone, I am in a relationship with a person that I am head over heels in love with. There is just one problem, he can not stop cheating on me. In every other respect he is a wonderful husband and person. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why am I putting myself through this? I want to work things out! However, he does not. He tells me he is going to cheat on me again, that something is wrong with him and that he does not want to continue hurting me. He says he loves me but I guess not enough to change. When I was a child I was molested for several years and after all this time I am still afraid of the dark. I am afraid to sleep by myself. I am afraid to be in a room alone. I feel like I am losing my mind, my pride and my self respect. Please help me, I am lost, lonely and scared.
d'Arthez Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 It might be possible he suffers from a sexual disorder, or possibly a bi-polar disorder. Have you checked these possibilities?
Author Pattie Posted March 1, 2005 Author Posted March 1, 2005 I have offered to go see a counselor with him. But it seems like he is afraid that he might find out something is wrong with him.
Anais Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Pattie, Are you married? You said he is a good husband. Do you have children, family, friends? How old are you? I don't know what is wrong with me. Why am I putting myself through this? I want to work things out! However, he does not. He doesn't care. You deserve a better life!
d'Arthez Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 There is nothing "wrong" with people with disorders. They are morally speaking not lesser humans or anything like that. They suffer from a disorder, which prevent them from functioning as they want to function. He does not want to continue hurting you, but at the same time if he cheats on you, he does hurt you. He loves you, but cannot change on his own. If your husband loves you and does not want to hurt you, you should try to get counselling. A counsellor is not someone who passes moral judgment on him.
latesleeper Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Hi Pattie, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Please seek counselling for yourself. Your husband sounds like he needs counselling too. Maybe marriage counselling? If he is not willing, please do do it for yourself. I wonder if you're hanging on to him because you're afraid of being alone? This way you're not alone but you're being abused emotionally all the same. I hope you would go counselling and find that strength in you that has enabled to you survive your earlier abuse. If you survived that as a child, you can survive now as an adult, with more resources available to you. You don't need to be in an abusive relationship. You sound like you want to respect yourself and love yourself, just that you're afraid that you cannot cope. Start with counselling -- there're people out there who can help you discover the strength in yourself. If you cannot afford counselling, there ought to be organisations or helplines around that can direct you to some help. Once I called five helplines just to find out what's available out there that I can do for myself. You're already doing something to help yourself by coming here and posting here. You CAN do more for yourself. There're many wise people here who can help too. At one point or another, many of us here also felt lost, scared and lonely. Many of us are still scared. It helps just to visit and read about other people here and how they deal with their issues. Maybe you'll get some ideas for yourself. Hang in there, ok!
Author Pattie Posted March 1, 2005 Author Posted March 1, 2005 Anais, We have been married for 5 years. We do not have any children because I did not want to put them through any of this. I am 24 but according to everyone I act like a married old lady. In truth, I love being married to him. However, I can not continue to be abused by him and he will not make a commitment to change or seek help. I dont know if I can do this.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 Hi Pattie, I was molested as a child, and in addition to that, there was physical, emotional and mental abuse in my family. I know exactly how you feel. I suffer from PTSD as a result of the abuse in my household. It's taken two rounds of therapy for me over the years and down the line it could take more. If you haven't sought counseling then I beg you to do so. It will make a huge difference in how you view the world and yourself. As abuse survivors we are incredibly strong- you may not feel that way but honey, trust me you are- if not you would have curled up in a ball and died a long time ago. The abuse we suffered as children has left a permanent fingerprint on our lifes and personalities. That's not a bad thing, it just IS. The problem is that that tells us that we are less deserving to be happy and less deserving of the things that regular people take for granted. You may or may not be aware that you actually feel that way. If you let the fact that you were abused make you put up with treatment you shouldn't put up with- then in essence you are letting yourself be abused again. You are letting the original abuser win because they are still controlling your life. There is no way I would put up with my husband telling me that he was going to continue to cheat on me! Get some counseling for yourself. Then, with the help of your counselor decide what you are going to do about your marriage. I advise getting out if he will not seek counseling.
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