SycamoreCircle Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Thanks for your reply. I get it, "closure comes within ourselves", "happiness comes from within", etc... But I'm not a perfect human being - I can't just stay close to someone forever and hope my feelings will fade away. And I can't just distance myself like that; I have feelings and they stand in the way of doing that - I want to know where we stand. If she's open to try a relationship, fine. If she doesn't want it, then I leave. That's it, no ambiguous disappearing. I am not going to change my mind about talking to her and making it clear, I just need help with how to make it the right way, as this is the first time I've been in a situation like this and I don't know how to proceed. You say you don't know how to proceed. I'm telling you no "correct" arrangement of words, written or spoken, is going to get you any closer. The right way is managing yourself. Managing your feelings. You most certainly CAN distance yourself. And distancing stands a better chance of bringing her to a decision about the two of you. It puts you on the path to a centered place, as now your thinking is ruled by your emotions. Realize that the question is already in the air. You out of her life for good will make the question concrete for her. She will make a decision in accordance with her maturity. Time will tell.
irc333 Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Not sure why you ended it with this woman. You didn't get into specifics of the "baggage" that she had(as stated in the first paragraph) that caused you to break up with her. There was no way you could have lived with her baggage? Holysmokes dude. I went through the same thing a little while ago. I can tell you what I did if that helps. Also, might I say, it was 100% the right decision. I actually ended up dating the most extraordinary woman just about a month after and now we are blissfully in love. I know with 100% certainty that if I had not cut off my friendship with the previous woman I would have completely missed this opportunity. The Backstory: Dated the woman for about 3-4 months. Crazy sexual chemistry. Like CRAZY. Also, she was just an exotic person. Like no one I had ever met. I got cold feet due to some baggage issues she had and ended it. But then we remained friends but it turned out to be impossible. Texting turned into sexting. Dinners turned into... well you ge the idea. I dated a crapton of women during our friendship period but really couldn't get into any of them. I kept comparing chemistry with my chemistry with her and was continually disappointed. The chemistry with her was past life strong. Finally, about a week after our last dinner "meet up" where things got pretty out of hand, I just realized I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't date her. But I couldn't be friends with her and I couldn't move on. So I decided to end it. How I Ended It: I ended it with a letter. We always did all of our heavy communicating by letter as we are both writers. But I also needed to end it with finality. Make my points and move on. In person was totally out of the question as we all know where that would lead. On the phone - mmmmm not really a good venue. But in a letter I could make my points and end it with finality. So I wrote her a beautiful letter. In some ways it was a love letter. Telling her exactly what I found so amazing about her and about us. But also pointing out that we had no future, no path forward. And finally concluding that just having her in my life as a friend prevented me (and her) from moving on. That we were stuck in a lover's limbo and that there was simply no way out. I told her that it was very hard for me to say goodbye but I had to and that I wished her the very best in the rest of her life. After I knew she had received it I terminated all connections. No Facebook. No Twitter. No instant messenger, no Skype and deleted her number from my phone. It sucked for about a week and I second guessed myself a bit as I genuinely cared for her. My only regret is that I didn't thank her for the time we spent together. That would have been the right thing to do. Anyhow, less that 24 hours after I sent the letter, my present GF contacted me on Match and the rest, as they say, is history. In closing, I'd say be kind, praising, but also firm in why you can't be friends. And finally, leave no room for backtracking. Make it clear that you never expect or desire further contact.
morbot_k Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 Just be honest, tell her that it brings you pain to be in this position of having feelings for someone who isn't interested in a relationship with you, and you are both lying to yourselves to call this a friendship. You are not friends. That's the real truth. So what you have to do is have an indefinite break so you can take care of yourself and for your own sake - so you can as you say move on. And it would help if she doesn't contact you. There's no need to be brash or anything. Be gentle as you'd want the same from her.
Author CharlieFox Posted August 27, 2014 Author Posted August 27, 2014 I have decided to talk to her this Sunday. The bad thing is that she told me she is very excited to see me and can't wait for it, but she doesn't know that I will bring this up, and this makes me feel really bad. But there is no turning back, I know I should do this, and I shouldn't run from hard decisions, even when they might make someone feel bad. I hope I find the courage by Sunday.
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2014 Posted August 27, 2014 If she's excited to see you maybe she's coming around to your way of thinking & wanting to explore a relationship more than friendship. Even if that is not the case, if she values your friendship enough to be excited to see you, she should value you enough to give you what you need -- space -- if she doesn't want to date you.
Mrin Posted August 27, 2014 Posted August 27, 2014 Not sure why you ended it with this woman. You didn't get into specifics of the "baggage" that she had(as stated in the first paragraph) that caused you to break up with her. There was no way you could have lived with her baggage? Ya. I could have lived with her baggage but the relationship would not have progressed much further than basically where we were - BF/GF with exclusivity. I also would have hesitated to have her meet or get close to my family. So in the end - she was a no go.
Author CharlieFox Posted August 27, 2014 Author Posted August 27, 2014 If she's excited to see you maybe she's coming around to your way of thinking & wanting to explore a relationship more than friendship. Even if that is not the case, if she values your friendship enough to be excited to see you, she should value you enough to give you what you need -- space -- if she doesn't want to date you. Thank you very much for your replies and support. We will see on Sunday I guess. Even if nothing happens, I have learned a valuable lesson and I will know better in the future. She mentioned today that she is ready for a new chapter in her life (I am not sure what she meant and I am trying not to get into it much), but for it's also that time. Still have a few days to think about it but I will not back off my decision if she doesn't want to be anything more.
Author CharlieFox Posted August 30, 2014 Author Posted August 30, 2014 So it is happening tomorrow, but I am extremely nervous about it. I can't take my mind off it. I'm trying to get prepared to lose something from my life that I really cared for. I am not hoping for the best outcome, however I want to be assertive and clear, and I will not be backing off my decision. It might feel horrible for a while, but I know this is the best thing to do, given the situation. I just hope I don't give in to stress too much tomorrow..
Author CharlieFox Posted September 1, 2014 Author Posted September 1, 2014 Well, for the few people here that related to my story, I wanted to bring back a short report to what happened. I met her and we had the talk; she seemed to take it okay from the beginning of my words and trying to smile it off, but progressively, her smile started to fade away, and eventually she bursted into tears. I didn't get nervous during the whole meet, I was very clear and didn't show hesitation. She said she is just reluctant to open up to anyone, because she is still afraid to get hurt, and at one point in tears she said "I don't know what to do.. I don't know what I want". Eventually I had to leave her, and she told me she will just sit on the bench for a while, and told me to take care. It went easier than I expected, I didn't lose my tongue or anything, but a while after the meeting, I felt horribly bad. I don't remember the last time I felt this bad for seeing someone crying. I know I deserve to feel bad, if I just left earlier on it would've been easier, but the thought that I just hurt someone makes me feel sick. I don't know what to say, even to myself. I feel like a horrible person and I am trying not to think about it, and just be occupied with other stuff. Thank you everyone who shared your opinions and advice, I really appreciate it.
travelbug1996 Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I am in this same situation. after 1 year he kept hemming and hawing about not being ready to be in a relationship. I told him its better to not stay in contact as friends and that I would like no further contact. I've never been in a situation like that and it was one of the hardest things to do. One thing I know about setting boundaries is that I can't draw a line/set a boundary AND take care of the person's feelings at the same time. It's impossible. You did what was best for you. She was keeping you hanging on dangling the carrot in your face (which was the best thing for her). Now she gets to deal with the consequences of trying to string someone along for her own selfish reasons. Stick to your boundary. If she comes around and says she ready, you may not even be interested anymore. I know a bit of it was my ego saying "I'm a great person, why wouldn't he want to be in a r with me".. I'm glad I didn't just disappear on him either because he didn't deserve that. I tried to but it only lasted two days. I knew I had to handle it as an adult. If I had tried to disappear it would have tormented me and I still would have longed for him. But by being honest, I feel like the situation is resolved. YOU DID WELL. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Charlie Sorry I was away & am late getting back to this. Good for you for standing your ground. She alone had the power to harness her own happiness but alas she let her own fears stop her. When she was lamenting that she didn't know how to open up to anybody, if she had simply risked it for the privilege of being with you, things may have been better for you both but at least you were brave enough to try. I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted but in the end you can & should be proud of how you conducted yourself. 1
cristalina Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Everyone has some really good feedback here. I'd be honest with her. Tell her how you feel, and that you can't be friends with her any longer if you're going to be able to move on. Then cut things off, and stick to it. It's so difficult to do, but absolutely necessary. Chin up. - Cris
Standard-Fare Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Charlie, you did the right thing. I'd just urge you to stay strong with keeping your distance from this girl. Be true to your word so she knows she can't walk all over you. I was once in a similar situation, I had a similar talk with a person I liked ("we can't be friends anymore, this isn't healthy for me"), but afterward I completely caved and our relationship continued... on very weird terms. I felt extremely vulnerable after putting my feelings out there and the situation became even more unhealthy. The good news is that after a good amount of time and distance, I was able to resume my friendship with this person a few years later, when I was in another relationship and all my romantic feelings had vanished. The same might be the case for you, if your friendship is strong enough.
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